4 Reasons You Are Losing Friends

Have you ever met someone that you really wanted to form a friendship with and you got the chance, but things didn't work out? Or worse, you have a friend, things are going well, and for some reason you start to sense that they're pulling away from you, and before you know it, that friendship is over. If you've experienced either of those things, this is what we're going to be solving in today's video. Because I realize on the channel I talk a lot about things that you can do to add to your charisma. But what I often neglect are things you may be doing which can be sabotaging friendships and first impressions, and which, unfortunately are a lot more common. So in this video, there's four things that I want to talk about in particular that can help you maintain and actually build very strong friendships. The first thing that will end a friendship is a lack of integrity. And a lot of people don't realize this integrity. For the purposes of this video, it's a huge topic. Integrity is when your words and your actions match. And a story that illustrates this point is, I have a friend, and he had a buddy that at first made very fast friends because this buddy liked to talk about big ideas. He'd come in and they'd talk about which businesses he had, and he had these great business ideas. And then he talked about cool things that they could do in the future for parties or things on the weekend. And at first, this was very exciting. My friend wanted these things to happen. But before long, it became clear that this guy had no intention ever of starting any of the projects that he discussed. Right? None of the businesses ever got anywhere near. They were never even researched. And none of these fun parties ever came to fruition. And it also rolled over to other areas of his life. So when he'd set, like a New Year's resolution to get more in shape, my friend would hear that and go, you gotta be kidding me. Because of course, it meant nothing. The problem with this is that when you find yourself or someone talks a big game and doesn't follow through, they destroy trust. When your words and your actions do not match, you destroy any trust that your friends can have in you, and you will destroy those friendships. Because friendships are built trust. This can happen in smaller ways, too. And honestly, the more common way that I see it is another story. Example, spoke to a girl today. She had a yoga class set up, invited a friend to come. Now, he could have said yes, he could have said no, but he said yes. He said, I'll be there I'm excited now. Unfortunately, something came up before the class, said, I'm really sorry, I have to cancel Happens. But he said, I promise I'm going to clear my schedule next week and I will definitely be there. Well, what happens next week comes along, she sends him a text, I totally forgot I did something else. I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to make it. When you promise to show up somewhere, whether it's on time and you don't go there on time, or you say you're going to be there, you don't show up at all. You are undercutting the trust your friends have in you. When your friends cannot rely on you, they're not friends. Trust is a foundation of friendship. It can only exist when you have integrity. So ask yourself, have you ever told your friends that you were going to quit smoking or drinking? Or that you were going to get in shape or start a business or break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or ask another boy or girl out? Whatever it was, do you talk a bigger game than you live up to? Because if you do, this isn't just damaging your self esteem, which it likely is, it's actually sabotaging friendships because you're destroying that trust. So one of two things needs to happen. First off, you either need to make your actions match your words, so when you say you're going to show up somewhere and it's inconvenient, you get there anyway. Or you need to be much more careful with your words. When somebody asks you, can you make it to this party? You need to pause and go, honestly, I'm not sure. So I'm not going to commit. I'll let you know a little bit closer to the date. 1. And both of those two things needs to happen in your life for that integrity to show up and for friendships to be stronger. So that's the first piece, the second piece that can destroy friendships and again goes under the radar. People don't realize, they do. It is guilt. This is one that has been used on me and worked very well for a large period of my life and still does today in some ways. When I was about 20 years old, I lived in Costa Rica and there was a guy there who was one of the best friends in some ways that I've ever had. I called him brother in Spanish. That's how tight we were. He taught me a ton of things, was a truly great friend. But even at that young age, the way that he got me to do things, like when we were at a club and he wanted to stay later. And I was tired. I wanted to go home. Is rather than say, come on, man, it's gonna be fun. It's gonna be so great. Which is a little bit of guilt. He would lay that guilt on. On thick, and he'd give me this look and say, are you actually gonna go home now? I can't even believe you that I came out tonight and I would feel this guilt. Oh, man, I'm letting my friend down. I gotta stay out. And so I did, and that worked. He got me to do, you know, all the different events that he wanted to do. And we'd stay out later than I wanted to do. We'd go where he wanted to go. That was when I was 19 years old. I leave Costa Rica. I start to grow up. I get more confident in myself. I start to have an opinion that doesn't need to. To agree with everyone else. And what happens is when we get on the phone, he starts back in that guilt. So I call him. He says, hey, man, glad that you called. It's been a while. I wish that you called a little bit more often. And that starts to peeve me a little bit. I don't feel good. So we get off the call and I'm like, man, that wasn't very fun. So I wait a little bit longer. The next time before we speak, maybe I skip one of his calls or his texts. Next time we get on the phone, he's more angry. Well, it's been two months now since you've called. Like, I thought that we were friends. This continues up until about last year when the guilt for me hit a breaking point. And I was just like, dude, I'm done. Like, I don't care. And it fizzled. That was it. I haven't spoken to him since. And that is a huge bummer, because I can tell you the thing that destroyed that friendship was guilt. And where this is coming in in your life is if you have a friend, typically, that you are close with, that maybe circumstances took in different directions. You went to one college, you went to another. You guys live in different cities or whatever it is. If you get on the phone with him and you are chastising him for not talking to you or her, this is going to destroy your friendship. And there is a way to do it much better. And I think of another great friend of mine who I only speak to probably three to four times a year. And I happened to speak to him today, and the way that we got off the phone today was he said, Man, I gotta let you know, I gotta get going. I'm about to get inside. But it's been amazing talking to you. I am so proud of you. The stuff that you're up to is incredible. It's truly inspiring. And I cannot wait to see you in June or July or honestly, whenever we get to see each other. And I hung up that phone going, man, I hope I get to see him before June or July, because this guy is awesome. He makes me feel incredible. Now, he's a wonderful friend in many ways, but that simple switch. If my other friend had taken those first and last sentences on our phone calls, we still might be friends and close today. If you guilt people, you are destroying the foundation of the relationship. And even though it might keep it tight in the short term, it's going to end it in the long term. So that's the second thing. The third thing that ends friendships, and this one is tough to spot, is inconsiderateness. The problem with being an inconsiderate person who doesn't think much of other people is that you do not realize it because you are by nature self absorbed. And I will raise my hand here and say, this is the one that, that I struggle the most with. I am fairly inconsiderate. This is not to say that I am mean or rude or push other people around, but I'm not actively thinking, hey, what's something nice that I can do for my friend or roommate? So there are some questions that I have to ask myself. And then I recommend you ask yourself to keep yourself honest on this one. First off, when was the last time that you went out of your way to do something nice for your friend, specifically unsolicited? Right. Did you ever go out and pick up food because you knew that he was hungry, he was having a tough day, or did you go out and know that he was missing dental floss? Right. My buddy, my roommate has been missing floss, has been taking mine for the last couple of days. When you were at the store, did you pick up some from him? These little things go such a long way. Ask yourself if you can't think of something, that's not a great sign. Secondly, have you borrowed cash or an object in the past that you have not delivered? And I admit I was going through this exercise before this video, and I realized I took some dark chocolate from my roommate the other night and he's in the other room and I have not yet replaced it. So I have to go buy dark chocolate tomorrow and get it back to him. But the longer that this goes where you've taken something and not given it back, that is inconsiderate and that will destroy friendships in the long run. I'm sorry, Benji. I'm gonna get you your dark chocolate. So ask yourself those questions. It is very possible that you are inconsiderate without realizing it, as sometimes I admit I am. So that's the third one, the fourth one that underpins all of these and is un. Well, it's common in the world is when values shift. And I think back even as young as kindergarten, when I liked the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I got to first grade, I wanted to play Power Rangers, and my friends who liked Ninja Turtles wanted to play Ninja Turtles still. And I'd moved on to Power Rangers. This happens all the time in our life, right? In middle school, some friend decides that he wants to go talk to boys or girls or whatever it is, and the rest are kind of doing their own thing. You get out into the real world, you have one career, your friend goes a different direction. Unfortunately, where this is most common, and I've seen it in my own life and in the lives of the people who watch this channel, is when you get interested in self improvement and your friends don't. This is the hardest one. Whether you're all of a sudden interested in fitness or starting a business or taking the tips from our channel or our courses and going and becoming more charismatic and confident, all of these things take a little bit of effort and they're going to take you into a different direction. And oftentimes friends can resist this. And in my own life, this has been what caused separation of friends and quite frankly, the addition of new ones. Two things to realize here. One, your values will inevitably take you on different paths than people you have been very close to. It's a bummer when it happens, but you can't force everybody to take your path, nor should you stay on theirs. Just to have company. You need to branch off. Sometimes you will walk a path alone, but new friends will come. Secondly, you can persuade people to join you. And the most influential way is not to beg or to cajole them or to tell them they have to, it's to give them the same source material that you have. And what I mean by that is, if it's a fitness video that really motivates you and you're like, man, it is time for me to go get my butt in shape. Ask them, hey, man, I watched this super motivational video. I thought you'd like it. Check it out. Or in my case, there's a book for our workweek. I mention it often. That really inspired me when I gave that book to people and said, man, I think this book is awesome and I think you would really like it. Check it out, I'd love to talk to you about it. If people read that book, which was more likely because I told them that I think they'd like it and I'd love to talk to them about it, which is flattering. If they went through and read it, they were more likely to get the idea of the four hour work week versus other friends that I just told hey man, you've got to do this. We got to quit our jobs together nine to five. It's over, man. We're moving into the information age. That didn't work as well. So when values start to diverge, the only thing I can recommend is ask your friend in a very vulnerable way, say, hey man, this is something I found. It's important to me and I think you'll like it a lot. It would be great if you could watch this, read this because I'd love to discuss it with you. After that is the best chance you have at taking someone once your values have kind of veered towards self improvement and getting your friends who are maybe some still stuck doing the old thing to come along with you. So I have talked for a long time in this video. Appreciate you guys sticking with me. This is the last video I will be doing. Fingers crossed from this room that looks like a grandma's grandma's hospital. It's my Airbnb here in Brazil, but we've got some lights coming. I'm hopeful to get back to a nice studio setup next time. If you like this video, I encourage you subscribe to this channel. Subscribe now. We'll be doing more videos, charisma breakdowns. One coming next week. That should be on Conan o'. Brien. I'm very excited for that. Plus lots of different topics that come from you guys. Which brings me to the comments. If there's anything you'd like to see me cover in particular, go ahead, write it there in the comments. So I hope that you've enjoyed this video. I hope that maybe you've discovered something about yourself that you didn't realize. Perhaps you're inconsiderate like me and maybe you can go on in the future and start to better that trait. So I hope that you've enjoyed this video and I'll see you in the next one.