4 Things That Turn BOYS Into MEN

How do you become a man? Cultures around the world have long believed it doesn't just happen with age. Certain steps need to be taken. And recently, the topic has gotten even more complicated with concerns of toxic masculinity on the rise. So in this video, I'll be using Cobra Kai to break down what I see as the four stages that men go through in the road to, quote, unquote, manhood. We'll talk about where guys go wrong and what you can do to get to the next phase of growth. And if you're curious, some of the lessons can be adapted to apply to women. But since it's such a theme in Cobra Kai, I'll be speaking mostly about masculinity. Spoilers through season two of Cobra Kai to follow. So the first stage for all of us is boyhood. This is the stage we find Miguel, Eli, and Dimitri in at the beginning of season one. They are uncomfortable, awkward kids who don't fit in in large part because they don't have strong role models to teach them. They think that none of that is ever going to change. Middle school life is their destiny. Dimitri is the mouthpiece for this worldview.

You pretty much signed away all hopes of losing your virginity before college. It's probably for the best. It was starting to boost your confidence. Isn't that a good thing?

No.

What has confidence ever gotten anybody except for a black guy in their backpack thrown in the trash? What is the best superpower anyone could have? Super strength. Wrong. Invisibility. A distant second would be super speed. To run away fast.

In this phase, being bullied is very common, but so is being directionless, which is what we see exemplified in Robbie Keane. But what every one of these boys shares in common is that they lack strong male role models. They feel stuck without a game plan to overcome bul make good friends, and other challenges of growing up. Adolescence for them is painful. In some cases, their caring mothers try to step in to protect them. But it only makes things worse because it reinforces that they cannot take care of themselves.

I'm not going to name names, but the other day, a mother called me up because her son was crying after some kids online made fun of his facial deformity.

And as far as these boys know, they're stuck. That's just life until they enter stage two. The mentor arrives, and the boy becomes an e eager student.

You're gonna be my karate teacher? No, I'm gonna be your sensei.

The mentor can be a book or a person or a way of living, but whatever the form it's the knowledge and guidance of a man who has come before you. A man who has figured out the solution to the problems that plagued your life. Though the advice that this man gives is often challenging and stretches your comfort zone, when the boy follows it, things start to get awesome. In Miguel's case, he stands up for his friends in the face of a bully, defends the girl, and becomes one of the most respected kids in school. School. Not to mention that he winds up dating that girl who, of course, he has a crush on.

You know, this may be the best date I've ever been on.

Eli follows a similar path, going from the kid that everyone picks on to hawk the quintessential confident bad boy that never gets picked on and girls swoon over.

Hey, where you going? Oh, look at this freak. Oh, what kind of girl would ever kiss this? Damn, he is so hot.

This new life path works so well that young men often become evangelical in their adherence to these new rules of masculinity. They try to convert as many of their friends as possible, often believing that their role model, book, or life path is flawless.

Is not a loser. If you knew him, you'd see he's a great man.

Because this role model seems perfect. Every piece of advice about being a man is taken to be law. Some of the advice is useful, like being aggressive when it comes to achieving your goals.

Watch and learn. Hey, I like your hair. Thanks. I like yours, too. It's spiky.

But other bits of this law of being a man can be ridiculous. For instance, when I was going through middle school, wearing tighty whitey underwear meant that you weren't man enough. It had to be. Boxers wearing Axe brand body spray meant that you were definitely cool. But then in high school, that rule got flipped, and it meant you definitely were not. And none of this was being passed down by successful men who had come before us, but instead by slick advertising campaigns that knew we would do anything to be manly because we were lost. And in every case of prescribed manliness, we followed and enforced these rules on each other without even thinking if they made sense. But the biggest problem is not these ridiculous rules. It's that some of the rules that you are told about being a man actively hurt you and those around you. And this brings us to the third phase. When you start to recognize that blindly following every rule that your mentor or book gives is damaging to your life. When that happens, you become a wanderer. In this phase, you realize that your mentor isn't perfect. Whether he's deeply wounded, like Kreese and Johnny, or just run of the mill imperfect like Daniel LaRusso. You realize you can't blindly accept everything that's been told to you. What worked for one generation in one context doesn't necessarily work for you. Today, you slowly begin to realize that you can't live by a set of rules that's been handed down from on high. And it's a very scary period. The first season shows that Johnny is entering this phase. It starts small, when he changes from insisting that using computers will make you a nerd and shouldn't be bothered with.

Have you seriously never owned a computer before? Yeah, I'm not a nerd.

But Johnny shifts his opinion when a viral video saves his financial life and Facebook lets him check up on Old Flames. The true culmination, though, of his realization comes when he sees his own son fall victim to the no mercy, win at any cost mentality instilled in him when he was the eager student. He finally sees that some of the rules of manhood are destroying the things he cares about most.

Sweep the leg.

You have a problem with that.

Sensei? No. We want to win, but it's gotta be the right way. We have to fight dirty. Dirty? There's nothing dirty about winning, Sensei. You taught me that.

Miguel enters this phase in season two when he discovers that Hawk has vandalized Miyagi do and stole Mr. Miyagi's medal of Honor, all under the sanctioned Cobra Kai rules of conduct.

They even took Mr. Miyagi's medal of.

Honor in your own life. This phase comes when some problems don't go away or get worse. Even when you do things the way a man is supposed to. And as uncomfortable as it can feel to have your rules and way of life upended, it's essential to your growth. Otherwise you'll want wind up like Kreese, living by a code that made sense for a time but now just holds you back. So to help you out, here are a few of the lesser questioned beliefs about masculinity that I see messing up lives today. First, believing the only acceptable negative emotion is anger, so you get furiously angry or covertly depressed rather than experiencing pain in the form of crying or asking for help. Second, believing your value depends upon pleasing a partner. So men sometimes keep jobs they hate, sacrifice friendships, or shape their personalities, all to be acceptable to their romantic partners. Third, believing that certain interests make you unmanly, whether that's liking Dungeons and Dragons, poetry, dancing, or something else that's not considered manly enough. Fourth, believing fixed traits which you didn't choose can make you unmanly, like being shorter than average or being gay. And fifth, putting your pride, ego, or manly reputation as highest priority, which makes you snap and sabotage your goals like Hawk does in the tournament.

Leaving early to fix that stupid haircut. Hey, what the hell is that? That's enough illegal contact. You're disqualified.

I could rattle off more examples, but the common thread is that it's at least worth questioning any of the unspoken rules you hold about what you need to do to be a man. Some you'll keep, but some are middle school holdovers that have serious downsides to your success and happiness. And this brings us to stage four, the Free Thinker, where your wandering stops being so circular and you form your own path. You've lived enough to know that there were valuable lessons in that second stage of being a student, but they need to be adapted to your life's circumstances. You've learned that people will tell you to be a real man in order to control you and get you to do what they want. And that is echoed in the advertisements that want to convince you that you can buy manhood with their product. Unlike Johnny, you've learned to ignore that.

Sir, it's time to settle your tab and move on. Light beer is for pussies. Do I need to call the cops?

In stage four, instead of trying to become a man or prove your masculinity, you're secure in the fact that what you are isn't defined by what other people say or think. You realize that labels like nerdy, girly, or lame were mostly mechanisms of control that just got you to shut up and do certain things. And labels like badass, manly, or cool made you do other ones. It was a mechanism of control that got you to ignore your own interests. So you let go of caring so much about the labels and start caring about what you actually like. And by letting go of being perceived as more masculine, you naturally adopt the confidence and self assuredness that has marked masculinity throughout history. Instead of looking to the world for signifiers of manhood, you simply are. You do your thing and you know that's enough. So whether you're a guy or not, I hope that when you watch this channel, you keep all of this in mind. While the advice we offer has worked for me and many others, the ultimate test is how it impacts your life. Test the guidance we give sincerely. But don't let the rules we share trump your own experience. Even if you're in that eager student stage where you're following our advice and things are awesome. Keep in mind that eventually you will do things your own way and that will be even better. Thank you to our sponsor for this video Audible Audible is having a special offer where you can get one month of Audible plus for free at audible.com charisma or by texting charisma to 500 500. Audible plus gets you unlimited downloads of Audible originals from creators like Mel Robbins, Mark Manson, Kevin hart and Neil Gaiman. Plus you get unlimited access to classic books like 1984 and the Art of War. Now one from the plus catalog that I especially like is called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl and if you haven't already, check it out. I highly recommend it. Plus you can do it for free with the L below. The nice thing about Audible is that you can listen to it while you do things like run errands or do chores. So no matter how busy your day is, you're always able to find time to learn and grow. You can go to audible.com Charisma or text Charisma to 500500 to get one month of Audible plus for free and then just $7.95 a month after that link is on the screen and in the description. Either way, hope that you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.