5 Common Habits That Make You Unlikeable

Paul Rudd is almost universally well liked. And after watching his most recent Hot Ones interview, I realized he makes an excellent example of some of the most fundamental and easy to implement charisma principles that nonetheless, most people just skip. So in this video, we will be covering those five core principles and what you can do to make sure you're not one of the people who are getting it wrong. Our first point has to do with touch. As we've often discussed in previous breakdowns, physical contact is a direct way to communicate that you care about someone. But too often nowadays, we pass up on the initial chances to make that sort of contact contact. Skipping a handshake or hug to opt instead for a fist bump or a wave. It may feel proper the first time that we meet someone, but before long we've known someone for months and still feel awkward about any sort of friendly touch. Paul Rudd, though, shows what happens when you don't let that pattern play out. Like here, I wish that someone would lean on my shoulder like that someday.

Off.

And here with Jeremy Renner.

Look at this. Yeah, with you too. Stop.

Okay, this is great. This is perfect. Now those are obviously big and more intimate moments of touching, but the initial point stands. In order to get to this point, don't pass up on the chance to initially friendly touching in those first interactions. So stand up out of your chair when someone walks into the room, give a handshake or even a hug. And then as the relationship develops, that can develop into shoulder squeezes, back pats, or even full on hugs. And we have a ton more about touching in our video on Chris Hemsworth and Oprah, which I will link to in the description. But these clips actually show another element of Paul's charm, which is that when given the chance, he chooses to joke positively about other people. For an example of this, let's go back to that clip of Paul leaning his head on Scarlet's shoulder and take a look at what happens next. It didn't feel as real as the.

I know. You know why it's cause that weird angle. I couldn't. I couldn't.

I need a beefier shoulder.

Now.

After Scarlet teases herself, Paul has two options. He could either follow it up by teasing her in turn, or he could go the opposite way by turning the joke around. And of course, he goes for the option that elevates Scarlet by shifting the fall towards himself.

I gotta start with this. No, you don't. I just need a beefier head.

Yeah, you need a much beefier head.

Ew.

Here's another example Notice how Paul chooses to validate the two hosts in response to Conan's self deprecating joke instead of accepting the joke's premise as itself. Congratulate you. You are in the sexiest man alive issue now.

Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. Thank you.

That's okay. We stepped aside this year. So did you. And again, here's Paul responding to a joke about only being there to promote a movie by expressing his affection for the host. So you're being a team player. You want to promote this film. You want to get it out there.

In the proper way.

I hear you, Paul.

You know, it's, it's, it's about you, Rich.

The point of all these clips is that while playful teasing can be charming on occasion, amongst friends, opting for more supportive forms of humor makes people more drawn to your positivity and your friendliness. So the next time a clever joke is on the tip of your tongue, ask yourself, does this elevate someone or does it put them down, even if it's just in a joking manner? If it's the latter, try instead to comically exaggerate that person's positive attributes, which can get you the same amount of laughter, one while making them like you even more. Now this takes us to the next point, which also has to do with raising others up through humor. But this time it's about supporting other people's jokes. No matter how good or lousy a joke may be on its own, having two people play off one another creates a back and forth dynamic that can turn even a simple joke into a hilarious running gag. Even so, most people tend to focus on coming up with their own jokes, missing many potential opportunities to build on the jokes of others. Paul, though, seems keen to jump on the end of jokes that don't go over so well to make something of those jokes. Like here with Sean Cauliflower Wings.

I'd like to point out yours is much neater than mine. It's falling off the board.

I like it. It looks like an abstract painting.

Well, you want to see an abstract painting? I'm doing Jackson Pollock. When we're done shooting this segment, Paul.

Prevents the joke from falling flat and validates Sean for coming up with it. Now, of course, it's always easier to joke around with people that you know well. So the best example of Paul supporting other people's jokes come from the press for Avengers with Jeremy Renner. The dynamic usually consists of Jeremy making a joke and then Paul building on it. Like here.

So I'm very excited to see this movie. Me too. Can you see it in my face? This is my excited face. I can see it. I've hung out with him a lot. You can't contain him right now.

You can see that people really crack up once Paul takes that joke to the next level. And sometimes all it takes to do this is to mirror someone's position for a bit of physical comedy. Like here it's been.

Tell me it's been. I gotta say.

Here'S my Oprah question. Building on other people's jokes makes you a fun person to be around. But that's not the main reason that it is such a charming habit. It's because having our jokes fall flat can be quite embarrassing, even humiliating at times. So when someone supports even the most dud of a joke that you might make, you will really appreciate that person. Which means that when you're out with people you spend time with, like friends or colleagues, instead of focusing on one upping their jokes in order to get attention for yourself, look for opportunities to build on their jokes and make them feel good. You can even save a joke that is failing in front of a group, which will make them appreciate you a ton. But of course, the most straightforward way to validate people and make them feel good is to compliment them. And that brings us to the next thing that we can learn from Paul about direct and genuine compliments. Now, obviously, compliments can on occasion make people feel self conscious or embarrassed. And in previous breakdowns, we've talked about breaking that tension that might be created by adding a joke afterwards like this.

You look nice. I like that dress. Thank you.

You'd lead with such a flattering foot.

Well, I'm a creepy perfect guy.

That might have given you the impression that you can't just give a genuine compliment, but that is definitely not the case. Simple, direct compliments can be very well received, especially when they are earned, specific in nature and pertain to something that the other person identifies with. Watch here as Paul compliments Sean Evans after his Hot Ones interview.

I must say, though, it's a great idea. It's a great construct for an interview.

Thank you.

I think you're an excellent interviewer.

Let's go through that checklist. This compliment is earned since it does come after the interview. It's fairly specific since he's complimenting Shaun's interviewing skills. Though mentioning a particular question could probably make Shawn feel even better. And it relates to Shawn's identity because he created Hot Ones and presumably works very hard on it. If Paul had genuinely complimented his Choice of clothing that might not have meant a lot to him, though it would in the case of someone who spends a lot of time thinking about fashion. The point is that when complimenting someone directly, you can get the most bang for your buck if you check these three boxes. And the best way to put this into practice is by simply getting in the habit of complimenting someone out loud whenever you think a positive thought in your head. It'll give you great opportunities to practice during the day, and it'll help push your comfort zone. Now, this isn't to say you always have to check all three boxes. In fact, an area where less specific compliments can still be highly appreciated is when speaking about someone who isn't present. Like here.

And then he gave me a pair of headphones.

Wow.

I love him. I love all of these people. That guy cracks me up. He's the best. He's the best guy.

He really.

No joke.

I mean, when you talk about people who are absent in a positive way, you avoid that tension from the direct compliment entirely since the recipient isn't there. But more importantly, you're showing that you have positive things to say about people, even when you're away from them, that you're not the type of person who is only going to be gossiping as soon as someone turns their back. And trust me, the people who are present will notice. Now, this takes us to yet another way that Paul makes people feel good, and that's by turning questions around. As a celebrity, he often finds himself as the center of attention, especially during interviews. But instead of just going with the flow, he likes to invert that social dynamic by sometimes turning the interview around and asking questions of his own to the interviewer. Like here.

Can I ask you some questions?

Whatever you want.

Because I think that you are the most fascinating character within this setup. How many of these have you done? Where are you from? Chicago originally, right? Three stars. Yeah.

Makes sense.

Are you a sports fan? You like Bears? Got any brothers, sisters? I do.

I have a younger brother named Gavin.

What does Gavin do?

Now, Hot Ones is a more open interview format, but you also see it with Paul from time to time on standard television appearances.

I have a question for you. Yes, go right ahead.

In radio broadcasts, what's one of yours?

What's an unpopular opinion that you.

Of course, this doesn't only apply to celebrities. During interviews, when you find yourself at the center of attention, try to see if someone in your social group is being left out of the conversation and then ask them a question. It could be the one that was just asked of you. When you're inclusive towards other people, it shows that you're willing to share the spotlight and that makes people enjoy your company more. And you can apply the same principle to people in service roles who might be expected to ask about you, and instead you just turn the question on them to your barber, doctor, waiter or waitress. Now this brings us to the mindset that ties everything together. So far, whatever we've talked about has been about showing consideration towards other people, be it through affectionate touch, supportive humor, complimenting them or putting them into the spotlight. And we all kind of know these things, but might find it hard nonetheless because we see being special as a zero sum game. Of course we all want to be special, and because we might not feel it often enough, we can become quietly competitive in conversations, steamrolling other people's stories, baiting for people to compliment us, or withholding kindness until someone has given it to us. We subtly fight for recognition and the validation that we crave. Now, none of this needs to be overtly hostile, but it all comes at the expense of others, since we can't all be in the spotlight at the same time. As paradoxical as it may seem, one of the best ways to get other people to think you are special is to find ways to put others in the spotlight. The examples in this video are a great start, and perhaps the best way to get the positive feeling that comes from being special is to drop the need to feel special in the first place. That's what genuine confidence looks like. It's feeling good about yourself, whether you just made the whole room crack up or someone else did. Then you won't be tempted to have covert competitions. In interactions, elevating others becomes natural because it costs you nothing. Even better, it doesn't detract from your position, but quietly enhances it. And if you're interested in the fastest way that I know of to build this social confidence and charisma, I would definitely recommend checking out our program Charisma University. It'll give you the step by step daily guidance on how to become more confident and charismatic in just 30 days time. Now you can read all about that the link below, but as usual I like to let you know what the course is about by letting the members speak for themselves. So here are just a few things that past CU members have written in first, thanks so much for creating Charisma University. This is a game changer that changed how I approach my boss, my peers and strangers. It gave me the guts to stand up for myself and others start a business and engage with others. Even after the 30 day program, I still feel like there is so much track to run on and I'm just getting started. This next one comes from a guy who says charisma diversity helped his dating life and he says hi Charlie. Firstly loving your course. I have cherry picked a few things, for example the filter lesson in the conversation section. This one lesson completely changed my life. I've liked someone for over a year now but never thought much of it because I thought she was just too pretty. Took your listens, gave things a shot and now we are dating. And this last one comes from someone who started a new job saying, I wanted to let you know that I nailed those first days at work. Everything that I needed was right there at the moment. The confidence, the energy, the smile, the positive mindset. And with all your tips from last Tuesday in mind, it could just not go wrong. And he finishes by saying, I wanted to emphasize that what I did the previous days would not even have come to my mind if I had not discovered that Charisma is a skill that can be learned thanks to your YouTube channel and university program. And you can see more success stories like those in the comments if you decide to join the course. If you do join, it comes with a 60 day money back guarantee or 100% for any reason at all. No hoops to jump through, no secret requirements like some other online courses have. You can go through the entire program and if you decide that it wasn't worth it, you can get your money back. That's how confident we are that you will be thrilled that you joined. So if you want to check out the course, just go ahead, click the link on screen now or below in the description. We've had over 5,000 members join the program and get a ton out of it and I would love for you to do the same. Either way. I hope that you enjoyed this video and I look to forward forward to seeing you in the next one.