5 Common Phrases That Make People Think You're Insecure

Sometimes we all say things, unfortunately, that can make people judge us negatively. And in this video, I want to talk about things that make you come across as lacking in confidence because these phrases are arrogant. And as you may know, it's the most arrogant people who are oftentimes the most insecure. So I want to give you five phrases in this video that will make you come across as lacking in confidence and what you can say instead to not come across that way. The first phrase is obviously also related to obviously is oh, that's not hard to tell, or I already knew that. Now, of course you can use these phrases in other areas of your life, but if you find yourself saying this after someone has told you something that they thought was novel and interesting to you, you are essentially dismissing what they said. You're saying your perspective has nothing new to add. I already knew that. It was so obvious to me and I am so smart for having known this before you told me. Now, what should you do in the scenarios where someone is telling you something that you already knew? You put yourself on the same path as them. You are two learners. So you might say, for instance, oh my gosh, that's so interesting. I was just reading a book on the same topic and it was saying a lot of what you had to say. Or you know what's funny? I studied this in all throughout my college and my senior thesis had a fairly similar angle to what you're saying. This way you are not putting yourself superior, not saying you know everything all the time. You're simply sharing when you learned the information that, that they are sharing with you. And that way you're not going to come across as thinking that you are superior to them. The second phrase is one that you might say or hear when giving advice and it's you should. You might hear, you should lift weights like this. You should do this with your business. You should quit this job. And it can be particularly aggravating because the phrase you should assumes that the person saying it knows all the details of your life, knows your goals, and knows everything that you have tried to achieve those goals in the past. So if you find yourself saying you should or wanting to give advice, what I recommend is adding a qualifier. And the best qualifier, there's lots of them. You could say, from my perspective, if I were you, that's that one's a little bit iffy, but generally speaking, you want to just add the word if. So what you might do is say, you know what, if your body is similar to mine, you should check out this particular kind of workout or this trainer. Or you might say, you know what, if you're looking for a place to get more traffic for your business, I found this one to be particularly useful. You're not setting yourself up as some all knowing person, but you're saying in relation to this goal, this is one way that you might achieve it. And it comes across as much less arrogant. The third phrase is probably my least favorite one on this entire list and it is the word real. It's when people say a real man would do this, a real woman would do this, a real American would do this, or real music sounds like X. If you find yourself saying this, you are probably alienating far more people than you know. On the one hand, yes, it can be very persuasive to people who want to to fit in, but at the same time it is so grating because you are setting up your perspective as the one valid one. And everything else of course, is not real, therefore it's not legitimate. So if you find yourself saying the word real, consider cutting it out of your vocabulary, at least in this particular context. The fourth thing, I've heard a lot of this because I'm doing breakdowns on debates. I was looking at the Jordan Peterson, Sam Harris and Ben Shapiro stuff, which may come up soon in our breakdowns. But one thing that I see is the phrase no, but after someone else has made a point. And what a lot of people don't realize is even the most intellectual among us want to be emotionally validated when they're having a discussion. And when you hear something and you disagree with it, and your first two words are no, but you are saying I have negated everything that you just said. And it can feel personally almost like an attack because oftentimes we're very identified with the positions that, that we hold. So when you're in a situation where you do hardcore disagree with what someone has said, find a way first to validate something or at least to rephrase what they have said. And I got this from the book Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. He's an FBI negotiator. Really, really interesting. But the phrase that he talks about, even if you completely disagree with what they've said, is it seems or it sounds like, and you just say you know what it seems like what you're trying to do and you reiterate their argument, or it sounds like what you're saying and you reiterate it. They will oftentimes correct you mildly or just say yes. And from there you can Move on. So if somebody's yelling at you that you haven't done the dishes, you can say, you know what? It seems like you're upset because I said that I was gonna do these and obviously the dishes haven't gotten done yet. They go, yes, exactly. You're getting it. You go, okay. I did not realize that I was going to have so much work tonight when I had said that. I still have a lot to do now. Would it be alright if I got to it tomorrow morning? That is going to be much more effective. If you have validated their concerns for first with the phrase it sounds like or it seems so, add that to your arsenal. The fifth thing is one that I found. I was researching arrogant celebrities in an attempt to find what really defined it for this video and one that came up was, I don't mean to pick on her, but Gwyneth Paltrow. And the phrase that really had upset people about her was when she was comparing her job to working mothers and she said that working on set as an actress is more difficult than having a 9 to 5 office job. No comment on whether or not that is true. I've never been a mom of any kind, so I don't know. But this is a very, very common human fallacy. We assume that our lives are much more difficult than someone else because we struggle to imagine the difficulties that other people have. In fact, most people hide them so well. So if you find yourself saying that your major is more difficult or more rigorous, or that your job is more challenging, or that being a mom or dad, a stay at home, work, whatever it is, is more challenging than someone else's life. Pause. Because you are about to come across just about as arrogant as you ever have in your life. First off, a mindset. Recognize that you do not understand the challenges that other people face. So you can't say with certainty what is or isn't harder. But if you do want to make these sorts of comparisons, I recommend doing it within your own life and only the situations that you have actually lived. So if you've been a doctor and an accountant, you might say, I found that being an accountant is harder than being a doctor, or vice versa. But if it's something that you can sense the other person, you know they're a doctor and they're going to go, wait a second. You can add to that. That's my experience. And of course everybody else is going to find it different. One of the most insulting things you can say to someone is that they haven't had struggle because they know that they have. So be careful of this one. Those are the five phrases for this video. If you guys like this, we have other phrases. I know a lot of people like to know the specific things that make them come across in particular ways. In addition to this, you would want to check out the guide that I mentioned from Chris Voss, which is never split the difference. And you can do so today for free courtesy of our sponsor for this video, Audible. If you go to audible.com Charisma or text Charisma to 500 500, you can get a free audiobook with your 30 day trial of Audible. And I found this to be very, very useful if you're the type of person who has to commute every day, who has a lot of chores to do in the house and wants something to listen to or who is maybe taking a hike or a long walk and still wants to learn during that time period. Now this book is going to be very, very interesting for those of you who have found these phrases useful because it's from an FBI negotiator, right? This is someone who had to get people out of hostage situations without having this person who was on the edge of. So if he can use it in those situations, you can absolutely use it in your own life. And if you want to check it out for free, just go to audible.com charisma or text Charisma to 500500 to start your 30 day trial. I hope you guys have enjoyed this video. I look forward to seeing you in the next one. Of course, if you have any comments, go ahead, write them below. Made it so far without a stutter, but here we are. Take care guys. I'll see you in the next one. Sam.