5 Habits That Kill Your Confidence Immediately

Every single day we do some things that are fantastic for our confidence and we do others that aren't so good, they drag it down and destroy it. Problem is we can't always tell which of those is which. And that's why in this video I want to show you five very common behaviors, some of which I bet you are doing, that are secretly destroying your confidence. Because if you can remove these from your life, it's dramatic how your self esteem and your confidence will skyrocket. So the first one that I've had a very, very first hand experience with was staying in a situation that you really dislike. Now it's obvious that you're not going to want to stay in a situation you dislike by definition, but it actually destroys your self esteem when you do that. And I realized this back in the day when I had my first job as a consultant. I didn't love. It wasn't horrible, but when I got up in the morning, I felt like I was faking it. I felt like I was putting on the suit, pretending to care about something that I didn't really care about. Simultaneously, I, I found myself feeling less confident in myself. I was starting to doubt myself. Social situations which used to come easier were all of a sudden a little bit more murky and rocky. I didn't know how to behave and I didn't put these two together until I read the book Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Brendan. Absolutely fantastic. But there was an exercise in that book that made me realize when you do an action that implicitly says I don't believe in myself, your self esteem goes down. So every single day when I got up in the morning, I put on that suit and I knew I didn't like it, but I had no exit plan. I was telling myself, I don't believe in you. I don't think you're capable of getting a better job, I don't think you deserve one, and I don't think that you should have a higher degree of fulfillment in your life. This is right where you belong. And that is why my self esteem and my confidence plummeted. Now weirdly enough, when I finally left that job and my money started plummeting and I was living on my friend's flight and I didn't know how I was going to earn a living, my confidence was through the roof socially, in other areas and that was where I had the guts to start. Charisma on command. And it was because I had taken a vote of confidence in myself. I left. I said, you know what? I Don't know how, but I believe in you to figure this out. So I'm not saying you got to quit your job, but I am saying if you're in a relationship, whether it's romantic or with a friend, if you have a job that you really dislike, you need an exit plan. Not just for your life, but for your self esteem. Because if you can't bet on yourself, your body knows it. And that's when your confidence tanks. So the second thing that a lot of people don't realize is destroying their confidence is their intense focus on practice. Now, people could go, wait a second, I need to practice. Of course I do. I have to be competent in order to be confident. Now that is absolutely true. But let me give you an example of where this goes too far. In an interview setting, I know people who will study their questions, tell me where you're from. Technical questions about up until the moment that they enter that room. And unfortunately, what happens is, despite the fact that they've been practicing long, they go in, they're flat, they forget what they were gonna say, and if they do remember it, it's terribly rote. The problem is they should have taken those five to 15 minutes prior to that big moment. And instead of practicing, they should have built an internal state of positive feelings and confidence. This is true of musical performances. Anytime you're on a stage, if there's a date coming up, whatever it is, stop worrying about what you're saying or going to say five to 15 minutes before, stop worrying about the performance and start feeling good. Watch a YouTube video that pumps you up, could be one of ours. Watch something funny, hang out with your friends, laugh, move, do things that make you feel energized. And I again realized this for the first time way back in the day when I would have dates and I was so nervous before these phone calls, I would think, what am I going to say? I try to plan out every line and. And one day I just was having fun with my friends. I called in that moment of having good time and it went fantastically. And that became my go to. Rather than worrying about what I was gonna say right before the phone call, I would have fun. And that made them go so much better moving forward. Which takes us to the third thing that people don't realize is ruining their confidence is believing this myth that there's one person or you need an individual to approve of you in order to be happy. Now, we don't realize this, but we unfortunately do this quite often when there's an interview Or a job that we feel like we need this job, or there's a particular person that we'd like to be dating and we just have to get them to like us. We get very, very focused in this narrow view of what could make us happy and fulfilled. We start to give away our confidence. We feel needy, and we need them to like us. If we can broaden our perspective. If, prior to a job interview, you can step back and remind yourself, I really like this job, but there's a lot of amazing jobs out there. There's tons. There's ones I'm not even familiar with. Same thing. I might like this guy or this girl, but there's so many other fantastic people. Weirdly enough, when you do that, you're going to have a much more confident interaction with that person, whether it's an interviewer, anyone else, because you're telling yourself, I don't need you. I would like this, but I don't need it. And that inspires confidence in you. The fourth thing people don't realize, this is the one I am most guilty of today is, is disqualifying yourself verbally prior to doing anything. And if you see me on this channel, I did this, and I do this before I talk about music. Sometimes I'll mention that on my Instagram, Arliehoopert. I play music and I play the guitar. But I will say, you know, I'm not a great singer, so don't expect too much, or, I haven't spent as much time on this one song, but just take a look. That's disqualifying. That's trying to lower the bar. People do this prior to speeches. They get up there and they say, I haven't really done this before. This is my first time. Sometimes they do it in interactions when they tell someone, I'm not really good with names, so I might forget yours. We think that in setting the bar low, we won't disappoint people. But actually what we do is we say, this is the level that I'm going to play at really low. We destroy our confidence. So if you're doing that like me, solution is say nothing. Don't preempt it. Don't tell them it's going to be good. Don't tell them it's going to be bad. Just go. And in my case, that means saying, if you would like to hear me sing, play guitar, you. You can go to my Instagram Arliehoopert and you can let me know what you think rather than having me tell you what it's going to sound like to you. The fifth thing that people do all the time is, and this just happened to me today, is they say I don't care, as if it was a kindness to someone. Now let me be clear. Not having to get your way all the time and have a demanding preference is a virtue. But you've been in those situations where people are trying to figure out where to go to eat. Everyone doesn't care. What should we do tonight? Nobody cares. What movie. Nobody cares. People are craving leadership. That's the first thing. So rather than saying I don't care, just surge inside yourself. Find is there a minor preference that I could voice here? Cause one, people will appreciate the fact that they at least have a direction. And you're not gonna search on Yelp for hours and hours and hours for a restaurant. The second thing though is that people who lack confidence are often are disconnected from their true desires. And it's not that they don't care, it's that they learned a long time ago to separate themselves from what they really wanted. So getting in the practice of detecting minor preferences of which food you'd like or what movie you'd like to watch, how you'd like to spend your evening, is telling yourself, I believe in you. I think that your voice has value. I think your preferences are worth hearing. Doesn't mean you're always gonna get your way. Doesn't need. You don't even need to argue about it, but simply voicing in a scenario. I'd like to go here. Other people can say where they'd like to go. You guys can talk about it and wind up in a different direction. That's going to build confidence inside of you. It's going to make you more decisive, a better leader, and of course it's going to make you more confident. So I hope that you guys have found those five tips helpful. A huge and fantastic resource for these, like I said, is Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Brandon. And you can check that out today actually for free courtesy of our sponsor, Audible. So if you go to the link in the description audible.com charisma or if you text charisma to 500 500, you can get a free 30 day trial of audible with one free credit and you can put that towards, I recommend six Pillars of Self Esteem. So the way that it works after that is it's about $15 a month and you get access to a huge library of audiobooks. It's continuing to grow, it's got just about everything you could ever want in there. And if you're the type of person that is on a commute often, who is driving, who doesn't have time to read, this is an absolutely fantastic resource and a great first start for confidence, like I said, is Six Pillars of Self Esteem. And in the month of July there's another deal for those of you who have Amazon prime that is you can get three months of Audible for the price of one. It's going to cost $4.95 for each of the first three months, $15 after that, but same deal through the link in the description below which is www.Audible.com Charisma or you can text Charisma to 500500 and I highly recommend checking out the Six Pillars of Self Esteem. I hope you guys like this video. I look forward to seeing you in the next one, which I think is going to be a long overdue charisma breakdown from someone that has been around for a very, very long time and has absolutely earned it. So if you want to see who that is, make sure to click subscribe. Hit the notification bell and I look forward to seeing you in the the next video.