5 Red Flags In Dating You Should NEVER Ignore

Few things can ruin your life faster than a toxic relationship. What have you lost as a result of Ms. Heard making these allegations against you?

Nothing. Less than everything. No matter the outcome of this trial, I'll carry that for the rest of my day.

That's why in this video, we're going to cover five early signs you or someone you love is in a toxic relationship so that you can change things before it ruins your life. Keep in mind that none of these mean you must break up immediately. Toxicity exists on a spectrum, and these are just signs that you need to move things back towards the healthy side or get out. The first sign that things are getting toxic is when someone uses totalizing language in arguments. Listen to Amber Heard do it here.

You made me be the bigger person every single time. I'm the one to do it every time. It means I'm the bigger person every time. It means I have to be the strong one. It means every time I have to fight for our relationship. You never, ever do the work.

The problem with this language is that it is almost never true. People may mostly be in one way, but to say always or never is to reduce the positive things about your partner down to zero while elevating your contribution to the max. It makes the person on the receiving end feel attacked and underappreciated, which is likely to make arguments spiral into bad faith personal attacks. So if you or your partner does this, make an agreement to speak about your feelings and what you'd like, rather than speaking in absolutes. This means instead of saying, you always make me clean up the dishes, you can say, I clean up the dishes more than I'd like and I would like you to help out more often when you speak about your feelings and what you'd like. What you're saying can't be argued with, and it makes disagreements much more productive. The second sign of toxicity is feeling compelled to gather evidence against your partner to show them how unreasonable they've been. This happened several times in the Dep Herd relationship with Amber taking secret recordings of Johnny while he was drunk. Maybe in your life you are tempted to record an argument to show your partner how unfair they're being. Or perhaps someone makes a list of mistakes that their partners made so they're prepared when they say, well, when have I ever done that? The problem with both of these is that it's a clear indication that one partner cannot trust the other to honestly and clearly reflect on their own behavior. Which takes us to the third sign, which is justifying aggressive behavior by making it a Sign of love. For instance, listen to Johnny Depp's words to Amber, hear. And then you write, the only reason we go for the throat is love. Did I read that right?

You did.

We saw something similar in Will Smith's acceptance speech after he hit Chris Rock.

Love will make you do crazy things.

When you say these type of things or allow someone else to say them to you, you guarantee that your relationship is filled with drama, craziness, and potentially violence. Because if drama, craziness, and violence are proof of love, then that's what relationships supposed to produce. You are much better off believing that aggressive, cruel, violent behavior is a sign that someone doesn't love you. That way you don't tolerate that kind of behavior and either change it or get out. Now. Sadly, this habit of using love as an excuse to treat people poorly is very common because so many people were raised in homes where parents represented their imperfect behavior as totally loving. But we're going to get more into that towards the end. For now, we're moving to our fourth point, which is not believing someone when they show you that you're not compatible. For instance, on the TV show the Ultimatum, this guy is dead set on having a family and kids. While this woman doesn't really want to be a mom.

Everyone here, I feel like, for the most part, is, like, very open to having children. I'm the black sheep.

What is it?

It's 75% like the parenting thing.

I'm a family man. Simple as that. You think it's something that you could possibly overcome in the future?

Maybe, yeah.

The problem is, this is his takeaway from that conversation.

She wants to have kids. I can tell she wants to have kids. I feel like I'm a guy who can comfort those feelings she's having and hold her hand as she goes through.

People often believe that accepting a maybe on something that they need in a relationship is an act of love. They think that they can see through to what the other person really needs deep down. But there's a lot of ego involved in thinking that you're going to be the one to tame the bad boy or inspire the single girl to want a traditional family. It casts you in the role of savior who can heal others with your special brand of love. Except that more often than not, maybes don't become yeses. And as time goes on, those compatibility issues that you didn't take seriously can become the major source of pain in your life. Here Will Smith describes how difficult things got when he realized that Jada wasn't going to Change her mind about the life she wanted. For context, he thought she'd come around to wanting the life he'd always dreamed of with a traditional partnership guided by traditional measures of success.

And I realized she didn't want none of the stuff I had built. The house was too big. She didn't want all of her kids to be getting trolled on Twitter like she didn't want any of that.

And it was a decline from there.

Yup. To have to let go of the picture.

Yeah.

To have to let go of the dream was devastating.

These problems are what caused the Smiths to separate. Then the whole issue of seeing other people. And regardless of how things wind up working out for them, they can both attest that you need to take what someone says they want and don't want in a relationship with very seriously at the beginning. Don't view changing someone as an act of love, and definitely don't make it your project. Sadly, many of us do the opposite. We pick partners that we are totally incompatible with, then try to change them because we haven't worked through our childhood issues. And this brings us to our fifth sign. And I warn you, most people have this sign, so don't take this as an attack. Doesn't mean that you can't have a happy relationship, but it does make it harder. And that sign is when you don't know the traumas that formed your childhood experience of love. As an example, let's say that a girl grows up in a household with lots of conflict to the point of violence. But when the conflict dies down, perhaps one parent leaves. This could lead to the child assuming that fighting is a necessary part of love, because as long as there's fighting, there isn't abandonment. That's how you get lines like this from Amber heard you at least have.

The knowledge in the back of your head that you can fall back on that I showed up, that I fought for you. Let's face it, it's because I f ing fight for this.

And then lines like this when Johnny says he's going to walk away from their argument, triggering the childhood terror of abandonment.

So you're killing me with this. You're killing me. You're killing me.

Or take a boy born into a household with physical abuse. He may think that remaining strong through that abuse is a demonstration of love, which he believes is totally appropriate. That's what Johnny Depp answered when asked why he stayed with Amber despite episodes of physical abuse.

I'm sure that it's somehow related to my father remaining stoic as my mother would beat him to death when two.

People in a relationship haven't healed their childhood trauma around what love means, it can guarantee that things become toxic without realizing it. They're very likely to create exactly the scenarios that they say they don't want as they search for the love they're most familiar with from childhood. Now you may not have big obvious traumas in your childhood, but comparatively little ones can still create dysfunctions down the line. For instance, maybe your parents didn't know how to handle you being angry other than by withdrawing from or punishing you. You might learn that love can't tolerate being angry and therefore you repress your frustrations. In relationships, this might seem like a great low conflict strategy, but down the line those unconscious frustrations will find a way to express themselves in your life, perhaps as self critical behavior or sudden bursts of anger. Now this is just one hypothetical outcome of many but whatever the case, we all have unconscious rules around what love means and we act out those patterns until we consciously heal them. That's why it's a good idea to explore our early life relationship traumas, even if we think we don't have any. Our video on Will Smith goes more in depth on this if you'd like more on the topic. In the meantime, if one of the areas you think you could improve is your confidence, you might like our course Charisma University. It's a step by step video guided program that is guaranteed to give you more charisma and confidence in 30 days. Now you can read all about the details in the link below, but I think that the strongest way to let you know what it's all about is just to let the members speak for themselves. So here are a few of the things that our CU members have written in the first is from a guy who was interviewing for new jobs. He says, I interviewed at dozens of places for jobs after medical school. At the end of one of my interview days the doctor pulled me aside and said that I, hands down had the best interview out of everybody and they would love to have me at their program. They ranked me number one and it's my current job. Another person wrote about their social life saying it has been truly incredible. I've instantly had results that seem insane. So many more meaningful connections. My friendships have improved and my interactions with total strangers are new. Exciting, fulfilling thing. I want to recommend this to everyone. This should be in our basic education system. And this last one is from someone who says that the course has been life changing and he says you, course has been life changing to the point where I wake up in the mornings feeling like I've been transferred to a new person's body, the person I kept dreaming about becoming before I found charisma on command. I It is incredible. I found myself and I found what makes me happy. And you can see more success stories like these in the comments if you decide to join the course. If you do so, it comes with a 60 day money back guarantee which is 100% for any reason at all. And I make it 60 days even though the course is only 30, because I want to make sure that every single member truly feels like they're getting a ton of value out of the course. Otherwise you can just refund. So if you want to check the course out, go ahead, click the link on screen now or below in the description. We've had thousands of members go through this course, get a ton out of it, introverts, extroverts, men and women from all over the globe and I would love for you to do the same. Either way, I hope that you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.