8 Clear Signs Someone Is Gaslighting You (with examples)

There are dangerous people in this world who will try to manipulate and control you. One tool they'll use is gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse that makes you doubt your own reality. This lets them get away with things that most people wouldn't tolerate in a relationship. So today you'll learn eight signs someone might be gaslighting you. One important thing to remember, gaslighting is a pattern, especially with some of the more subtle signs from later in the video. Seeing them once doesn't necessarily mean you're being gaslit, but be wary if you see these signs repeatedly. The most obvious sign someone is gaslighting you is if they genuinely attack your sanity. Here's a quick example of what this can look like from the movie Goodfellas. Ray Liotta's character has just been accused of cheating, which he is doing out of my life. You're f ed up in the head, Karen. This is all in your mind. You're a lousy B. People use gaslighting as a way to escape admitting they've done something wrong. So one potential red flag is phrases like, you're being paranoid. You're making this all up, or this is all in your head. A more subtle way gaslighters deny wrongdoing is by rewriting the past. Here's an example from the show the Bachelorette. For context, the guy is mad that his potential wife went naked bungee jumping with another contestant.

I'm just thinking of you holding him bare skin. And I'm just thinking in my mind, like, it really pissed me off. I mean, it really frustrated me. I mean, I'm looking for you to meet my family soon, and I felt like it was a slap in the face.

No gaslighting so far, just a disagreement. But listen to how he responds later when she brings up that she didn't like what he said in that conversation.

You did say, like, it felt like a slap in the face.

You're twisting my words.

You want to be confident about letting me meet your family.

I was totally misunderstood there.

Rewriting the past is so effective because days after a conversation, it can be tough to have total conviction in your memory of what happened. But that conviction is the only way to protect yourself from gaslighting.

I wasn't even talking about the bungee jumping thing at all at that moment.

Well, you were. Yes, you were. We were talking about that, and it was, like, in that same, like, breath.

I was totally misunderstood. Now that you're bringing it to me.

That way, keep an eye out for phrases like, I never said that. Or you're misremembering. If you're constantly doubting your memories or you find you want to take notes so you can be sure you're remembering things the right way, you might be a victim of gaslighting. Now, as we just saw, completely rewriting the past is hard to pull off. So some gaslighters avoid outright denial. Instead, they minimize their bad behavior.

Hit you across the face in a proper slap. But I was hitting you. It was not punching you. Babe, you're not punched.

Here's another example for you of what this might sound like. This time with Jada Smith trying to minimize having an affair, I got into.

A different kind of entanglement with August.

If you do feel like someone is trying to diminish your emotional reaction by using inaccurate or vague language, call it out.

You need to say clearly what happened as far as what you and I decided we were going to take our space and what happened?

Yeah, and then I got into an entanglement with August. That's what I said.

An entanglement.

Yes.

Yes, a relationship.

Yes, it was a relationship.

Another form of minimizing is trying to normalize bad behavior so your sense that you're being deeply harmed gets overridden by the other person's insistence that everyone goes through these situations. Here's a few examples for you of what this might sound like, because I.

Feel like there are a lot of couples that go through those periods. Any relationship and trying to get to deeper understanding of love is going to be forged in fire. Yep, you got to go through some to get the answers.

It's true that all relationships have their ups and downs, but this doesn't automatically justify all bad behavior. So if you notice someone making vague statements like this to justify something they did, get specific. If you are in this situation, you can protect yourself from losing touch with your reality by saying something like most couples do go through conflict, but most couples aren't dealing with their spouse having an affair with their son's teenage friend. One final lesson from that Will and Jada conversation, Keep an eye out for empathy hijacking. This is when someone justifies doing something hurtful or selfish by saying they needed it in order to heal. They are hoping that since you are an empathetic person who doesn't want someone to be in pain, you you'll accept that this justifies their behavior. For example, listen to how Jada frames sleeping with her son's friend.

I actually don't look at it as a transgression at all. Through that particular journey, I Learned so much about myself and was able to really confront a lot of emotional immaturity, emotional insecurity. And I was really able to do some really deep healing. It's been a huge healing on my life.

You do not have to accept this frame. Being unhappy is not a free pass to treat you poorly. The next sign someone might be gaslighting you is if they regularly deflect blame onto you. Here's an example from the show euphoria of what this might sound like. In this clip, Kat's boyfriend Ethan has just caught her in a massive lie, pretending to have a terminal brain disorder as an excuse to end their relationship.

I feel like you're lying to me.

Lying about a terminal brain disorder? That's sick.

Now listen to how Kat tries to gaslight her way out of the situation by making him the problem.

And to be honest, the fact that you think I would even lie about something that awful means there's a big problem in this relationship, which is, like, literally what I was trying to say in the beginning.

No. No.

Sadly, a victim of gaslighting can start to doubt themselves here, wondering, am I the one causing problems in this relationship? It's easy to get confused because gaslighters use language that an honest person would use if they were wrongly accused. The only way to know if it's gaslighting is if you see a pattern of shifting the blame to you. So notice if you feel you're walking on eggshells around this person, because they always find a way to blame you for anything that goes wrong. The only way to protect yourself from this is to maintain conviction in your reality, which is much easier said than done. One thing that can help is stating your version of reality out loud.

In the beginning, I feel like you started to break up with me, and then you pivoted to telling me that you got, like, a terminal brain illness. And now I feel like you're using my skepticism as, like, a reason to break up with me.

That's your experience.

No, I think that's the experience.

Another red flag to watch out for is projection. This is when the gaslighter will accuse you of having the negative qualities or intentions that they have. For example, watch what happens when Ethan gives Kat a chance to end their relationship.

Cat, you don't want to be in a relationship with me, and I get it. If it's okay, just say it. Just have, like, the courage to actually be honest, because what you're doing right now, it's just, like, feels like.

Here's the first example of what Projection might look like I. Wow.

I can't believe this. You're literally trying to break up with me.

No, I'm trying to help you say what you want to say.

A gaslighter will even go so far as to project their manipulative tendencies onto you.

Yeah, you just gaslight me, tell me how to feel, all because I don't meet your expectations.

This can be very confusing, especially if the person has gaslit you enough in the past that they've weakened your faith in yourself. You start to wonder, wait, am I accidentally doing this bad thing that they're accusing me of? That's their goal. To put you on the defensive and shift the focus away from their own manipulative behavior. A more common form of shifting the blame onto you is making your emotional reaction the problem. Here's an example of what this might look like from Jay Shetty's YouTube channel. For context, this guy is cheating with his friend Karina.

I'm a little uncomfortable with you and Karina's friendship.

What?

Baby, come on. I told you. I just look at her like one of the dudes. Okay, I really think you're overreacting.

This is such an effective form of gaslighting because it's exactly what someone would say if they weren't cheating and you were overreacting. So how can you tell if you're being gaslit? One thing to consider is if you've gotten this feedback before from people that you trust. If so, it's possible this is just an accurate way to describe you. But if it's only this one person who accuses you of emotionally overreacting to things, and it's mostly when you mention something they've done wrong, that's a red flag. So what's the impact of all these gaslighting behaviors? They lead you to regularly feeling confused, second guessing your own feelings and thinking there's something wrong with you. That you can't trust yourself to accurately understand what's happening in your own life. So what can you do if you feel like you might be in a relationship with a gaslighter? Here's a four step action plan. First, speak up and share your perspective. Calmly let the person know that you feel like they aren't respecting your view of reality. If your partner seems to really be listening, acknowledges your feelings, and then permanently changes their behavior so that you stop seeing the signs in this video, then it's possible it wasn't purposeful manipulation. If the person tries to completely shut down the conversation and your feelings, that's a sign to move to Step two Calmly take space Once you're away from the person, get other people's perspectives. This can be professional help or friends and family that you trust. Outside perspectives can help you realize that you've been a victim of gaslighting. This is why abusers will often try to separate you from the other people in your life. If you can confirm that you are in fact being gaslit, it's time to strongly consider ending the relationship. If you have a family member or someone you co parent with who gaslights you, this may not be possible, but you but you can still work to create space and minimize the relationship. And if your gaslighter is a friend or significant other you don't share children with, your best path forward is to cut ties with them altogether. I know this is easier said than done, but when it comes to being emotionally abused, very often cutting the person off completely is the only path towards healing. If you are in a relationship with a gaslighter or if you have been in the past, please recognize that you are not flawed for falling for the tricks of an emotionally abusive person. This isn't your fault. Abuse can happen to anyone. It's recognizing emotional abuse that takes courage and strength. And by watching this video, you've already taken the first step towards reclaiming your life and regaining some of the self compassion you may have lost. The next step is to focus on rebuilding your self esteem and self love. Get back to the basics. Prioritize your health by eating well, getting enough sleep and exercising. Get back to doing the activities you enjoy. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself and potentially seek support from helplines, a therapist or an organization specializing in abuse recovery. It won't happen overnight, but taking these steps will lead you to a better life with more genuine love, respect and happiness.