Become A Master Of Influence

Lets talk about the core of all communication, the thing that determines how persuasive you are if you get what you want. In the case of this video, if you live or die. Speaking of, I should let you know that we'll be exploring this particular thing through the world of Game of Thrones. So yes, life and death does come into play. And the thing that we're going to be exploring is called a frame. And you'll see that in a lot of ways the Game of Thrones is really a game of frames. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First off, what is a framework? A frame is basically all of the unstated beliefs that give context to any interaction. The frame gives meaning to the words that we say. So the difference between me saying cool and saying cool comes from the belief that I have when I say that word. The first thing that I want to talk about is the importance of frames when trying to convince someone of anything. In this next clip, the two characters whose faces that you're going to see are passing through the woods when some pretty savage people who roam the mountains find them. Watch this clip and see if you can note each person's frame, meaning each person's beliefs that they bring to the interaction.

Come, share our fire. Help yourselves to our goat.

Clearly there are a handful of different frames in this scene. You've got the people who are surrounding them and their frame appears to be you're surrounded, we're in control, and we are going to kill you. Bronn, the guy who pulls his sword, has the same exact frame, except that he intends to fight so that he doesn't get killed. But Tyrion the dwarf proposes a totally different frame. He acts as if they're friends. He acts as if he's inviting them to share their food and their fire, like they just stumbled upon him. The genius of this frame is that if they accept it, he will escape with his life. So let's watch what happens when you meet your gods.

You tell them, Shagga son of Dolph of the Stonecrow sent you.

I am Tyrion, son of Tywin of Clan Lannister.

How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?

Here Tyrion responds in the same fashion as the man that he's speaking to, saying his father's and family's name again. His frame is that they're introducing themselves as friends, but clearly it's not go going so well. So now he's tried this friend frame twice. It's not working. So what can you do? Because this type of situation with much, much lower stakes is going to happen in your life. You will want someone to assume your frame, but they're going to resist. So watch how Tyrion handles it.

In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around my cock.

He totally breaks this guy's frame with humor. See the laughter there in this frame and in real life, too, Laughter is a telltale sign that someone has had their frame shifted. Usually, it's the person who is laughing that has had their way of viewing the world disrupted. And in this case, the guy with the axe thought that Tyrion should choose right then and right there how he died. Tyrion purposely misinterpreted his question. He added a bit of humor, and that was enough to make this guy break his frame and. And laugh. If you've ever tried to be mad at someone while they continually make you laugh over and over and over again, you know what this feels like. It gets tough to stay mad at them because they have reframed you and they've interrupted your pattern of being upset. In these moments, right after someone has shifted their frame is when they are most open to being persuaded. So the lesson here, for your own life, nothing to do with Game of Thrones, is that if you're trying to persuade someone and they're being resistant, don't just keep pushing. Instead, you need to reframe them. And humor is a great way to do it.

Take the half man. He can dance for the children. Kill the other one.

No, no, no, no, no. My. My house is rich and powerful. If you see us through these mountains, my father will shower you with gold.

We have no use for a half man's promises.

You see here, Tyrion doesn't just plead for their lives. Now that he's broken their frame and at least gotten them to listen, he can begin to persuade them. And if you're interested, I can cover the full list of persuasion tactics that Tyrion uses, because there are many. But suffice to say that if someone is being resistant while you're trying to persuade them, the answer is not to just go over and over again down the same path. You need to disrupt their pattern. You need to reframe them, and then you can begin to speak to their interest and speak more logically. For now, let's just continue talking about frames and move to insults. Every single insult you've ever said or heard is a frame game. Even from the school days of I'm rubber, you're glue. The goal is generally to turn the insult on the person who said it. And I do not recommend engaging with someone who's putting you down or insulting you. I usually just try to take the frame of this isn't worth my time and then walk away. But it's still informative to watch how frames determine exactly who wins one of those back and forth exchanges. So watch this clip. In this case, Tyrion is talking to Robb Stark, who does not like him or his family very much. Watch here.

Slightly warmer welcome on my last visit.

Any man of the Night's Watch is welcome at Winterfell.

Any man of the Night's Watch, but not I, eh boy?

I'm not your boy, Lannister. I'm Lord of Winterfell while my father.

Is away and you might learn a lord's courtesy.

This is a fairly straightforward insult, or even just a diss. Tyrion calls Robb Boy, insulting his inexperience, and then Robb denies it, saying that he is a lord. Tyrion responds by saying that he isn't behaving exactly like a lord should. So despite his protests, Rob the guy at the end here doesn't come out of that exchange looking so great. Fighting the frame of an insult normally makes you look like a chump. Watch this next clip. In contrast, in this one the same guy, Robb, has become commander of a huge army and is speaking to a prisoner from Tyrion's family, the family that.

He hates, just not with yours. Smart boy. What's wrong? Don't like being called boy?

Insulted again. Same insult, same guy. You're a boy, you're inexperienced. You're just playing at war, which is really not a great thing when you're in command of an entire army. But this time something has changed. Watch how instead of fighting the frame, Robb flips it and he uses it to his advantage.

Will you insult yourself, Kingslayer? You've been defeated by a boy. Be held captive by a boy, perhaps you'll be killed by a boy.

You see that he takes the prisoner's own words and uses them against him. This works much, much better, because an insult is really just a battle to see who can control who. When you get mad at an insult and you fight it, you have already lost. But when you don't fight the words and instead change the frame, meaning that you turn their insult into praise for you or an insult to them, then you have taken control. That is how you win the frame game. Not having the best zinger, but by being the person in control. So the third and most important frame game that I want to Talk about is options. And for this I need to give a little context for non Game of Thrones fans. Tyrion the dwarf is wrongfully accused of murdering the king. He's basically set up his trials, a total farce, and he's told that his options are death or to plead for his life and to be granted exile into the coldest northernmost part of the world, where he'll basically have to work as a servant for the rest of his life. He's told that those are his only choices and that he'd better just beg for his life, beg for exile in order to save himself. But instead, he creates a third option, and this is one of the most famous scenes of the entire series.

Have you nothing to say in your defense? Nothing but this. I did not do it. I did not kill Joffrey, but I wish that I had. I will not give my life for Joffrey's murder, and I know I'll get no justice here. So I will let the gods decide my fate. I demand a trial by combat.

This is basically how Tyrion survives all of his encounters. He creates a third option that other people don't see. Everyone thinks that the choice is between exile and death, and he chooses trial by combat, which strictly speaking, in this world is legal. But nobody presented it to him as an option earlier in the series, again when he was wrongfully framed for another assassination attempt that he didn't commit. He's held in prison until he confesses. Those are basically his options. He can die in prison or confess to a crime that he didn't commit, but instead he cleverly stages a confession and uses that public arena to his advantage. He's able to shame his captors into giving him a trial. Watch this.

Is this how justice is done in the van? You accuse me of crimes, I deny them, so you throw me into a cell to freeze and starve? Where is the king's justice? I am accused and demand a trial.

The point is this. Whoever controls the options has the power. Your options are rarely exactly what people tell you are, because that's how people have powers. They control options. The truth is that everything that is possible changes based on your creativity. Nothing is fixed. So you need to be resourceful. You need to not take what other people put on the table as your only choices. When you' faced with the decision that says this or that and you don't like either choice, refuse them both and create a third way. The way out is probably going to be different every time. But the realization that your options are never just exactly what people say they are and that you can break free from the options that are presented to you is going to be valuable for the rest of your life. That's how you stay alive in the Game of Thrones, and that is how you win in the game of life. If you're interested in learning more about solidifying your frame so that you don't lose these frame gains and miss out on options, we've actually created a separate video on on improving your confidence and your conviction. It is a real life exercise that you can do to boost your confidence in about one minute. And I've used it repeatedly in those situations where a strong frame is really, really important. From interviews, tough conversations, first dates, all those sorts of things. So if you want to see that video, go ahead, click the link that will pop up right now. You're going to be taken to another page where you can drop your email and get the immediate access to that video. If you haven't done so yet, please click subscribe right now, the button on the video. You'll get notified of our videos every week and never miss a new one that way. Also, a hu Huge thank you to everyone who has subscribed. It is because of you that I can put so much effort into these videos and make more than one a week now, which I'm very happy about. So thank you guys very much. Your support means a ton and it's the reason the channel exists. So again, thank you guys. Lastly, let me know if you've enjoyed this video in the comments. I don't normally do fiction. This is the first time I've ever done it. But if you liked it, I can do more. And if not, quite frankly, I will not. So your guidance is going to be what determines the direction this channel goes next. Please let me know in the comments. I take that very seriously. That's why we did this video in the first place. But I want to know how you think it went. So I hope that you enjoyed this video, hope that you learned something and I will see you in the next one.