Common Mistakes That Will Ruin Your Relationships

There's one thing that ruins budding relationships unlike anything else. And today I'm going to tell some of my stories. But the truth is, this can happen to men. This can happen to women, to gay people, straight people. It can happen to you. And that thing is neediness. On the extreme side, it's the person who on the first date, starts talking about how they want to marry you and what they're going to name your kids. But maybe you've experienced the lighter side, which is you send a text to someone you like, and then rather than moving on with your day, you find yourself checking it, checking it, wondering, why haven't they gotten back? Whether it's big or small, neediness can ruin relationships. And that's why I want to talk about three of the most common instances that you might be experiencing and how to deal with them. Because quite frankly, this is the one that ruins the relationships that you want the most. So the first thing, and the one that I have personal experience with is in contacting the person every single day. And I will never forget how I learned this. This was scarred into me way back in undergraduate. I was in my second year, and a friend of mine connected me with a girl that I wound up liking. And the story behind it was that this girl actually had a crush on me. So when we were put together, I was like, oh, my God, this is gonna be great. Hung out on a Thursday night, had a lot of fun, and by the end of the night, I was smitten. So I invited her out Friday and said, do you want to come to this place? She was very enthusiastic. She said, yeah, let's do it. And then whatever. Her plans fell through. We didn't wind up meeting up. So I said, okay, she likes me. I'm gonna invite her out again Saturday. So Saturday I said, hey, let's go out. And she said, okay, let me let you know, maybe we can do it. And she never got back to me that night. So I'm thinking, okay, she definitely likes me. So what I need to do is invite her out on Sunday. And I invited her Sunday, and she wrote back some sort of middling response. And by the time that I went to ask my friend to re coordinate another meeting with us, she said, it's over. You blew it. It's too late. She's no longer interested. And I tell you this story so that you realize that you often need to create some space in between seeing someone that you really like. Now, you can put an artificial amount of time in there that is a surface Level thing, like saying, okay, I'm gonna wait three days. People have different rules, but the better truth is to fill your time with things that you like. So especially after you were maybe to go on a date and it fell through, make sure the next night you do something awesome. Could it be a date with someone else? It could be, if that's the way that you want to go. But. But maybe it's just something that you love to do a movie that you like spending time with friends. Especially when you feel yourself getting very invested in someone that you don't know that well. Go back to the things you love and make sure you're doing them, because if not, you're going to go all in on that person and it will ruin it. So the second thing that comes up and I see is begging and pleading. Now, you might be thinking, okay, I'm clear here. I don't beg, I don't plead. I've never done that. But it's more common than you think. When I say begging, what I mean is you invite someone out, you say, hey, would you like to go tonight? And they say, ah, I'm sorry, I've got this thing that I need to do. And rather than saying, okay, cool, we'll do it later, you say, come on, it's gonna be so much fun. You know, you want to, like, just cancel those plans. It'll be great. And I've done this. Absolutely. I have friends who have done this. But while this seems fun and cheeky, the truth is you're putting them in a position where they are guaranteed basically to like you less. This is not cute. Because what it forces them to do is, is to say no to you. And the way that our brains work is when we find ourselves saying no, no, no to someone, even if we like them, part of us goes, okay, why am I saying no to them? I must not be interested. Plus, you're asking them to devalue their own time so that they can invest in you, which tells them that's what you would do for them, which is the crux of neediness. This is you not valuing your own time or their own time. The appropriate answer here, as long as they didn't flake last minute. And it's not a terrible thing where they just, like, stood you up after you bought some really expensive tickets or something, which you shouldn't do anyway. But the appropriate thing is just cool, have fun, and then make plans several days later. Very simple. The third thing here, and this is one again that I have very personal Experience with is in changing your schedule for the other person. Now this is one that I've had that I've learned and forgotten over and over again. Most recently, it can happen to a relationship that's been going on. I had been seeing a girl for a period of time. We really liked one another, but for her own reasons, she started to put in less effort and pull back and become less available. And because I liked her and I'd been spending time with her, my response was, okay, I'm gonna be more available. I've got this flexibility. My time is, you know, I can work this time. And my friends are pretty flexible too. So if she says, we're gonna hang out Tuesday, but then cancels, I'll just make sure that I'm free Wednesday for lunch. And that went on. And as that happened, she became less and less available. It was more and more work for me to actually get her out. So it came to a head on a Sunday night and we had plans to meet at about 10:00'. Clock. She called me at like 9 and said, Hey, I. I'm really sorry. I'm at my family's and I'm not gonna be able to make it out tonight. And I've got plans Monday. I've got plans Tuesday. I've got work Thursday and Friday, so maybe we can do something on Wednesday and earlier. What I would do is absolutely great Wednesday. It is also bummer that you kind of flaked on me last minute, but I forgive you. And what I did instead here was very simply because my friends had asked me earlier that day if we could go out Wednesday. There was no fixed plans, but my friends had said it. And so I told her, I've got plans Wednesday night, so I can't. And she paused and said, well, wait a second, if you can't Wednesday, then I can't see you this week. I said, yeah, that's what it sounds like. And she started to go, well, why don't you just cancel your plans? I said, no, I'm not going to cancel my plans. I have plans with my friend. And I could hear her starting to get more frustrated and nervous. And she said, okay, let me call you back. Hung up the phone. Ten minutes later she called me. She said, I'm going to wrap up here. I'm going to finish with my family. I'm going to see you tonight like we had planned. And so she came over and we hung out as we had planned to do at 10pm And I tell you this story not because this was A huge victory. She came over on Sunday and, you know, not Wednesday, but because this was a turning point in the relationship. Whereas she had pulled away previously. When I started to protect my own time and invest in the promises or even just the brief plans that I made with my friend, she began to put in more effort, she stopped pulling back, and she started to match and becoming more flexible rather than me having to be the one that was constantly adjusting for her. And quite frankly, I think this probably saved the relationship. So if you sense that this is you, you're getting down this line where you're the flexible one. You're always adjusting for the other person and you're like changing plans so that they can cancel last minute. What I really recommend that you do is start becoming a planner, meaning at the beginning of your week, set up things that you have to do. Even it's as simple as on Thursday night you're going to watch a TV show with your roommate. So if you get asked to go out Thursday night, you can't because you have to watch a TV show with your roommate. When you protect and respect your own plans, people will respect you more. This isn't to say that later in a relationship you cannot have a little bit more flexibility after you've got a give and take. But early on, it's the kiss of death to start flaking on your friends for someone else. And in fact, one of the best things you can do here is if it is a more open and inclusive event, like it's a TV show with your friend and it's not some secret pow wow. You could say, Thursday, I'm actually watching TV with my friend. We're going to watch a show. But if you're interested, you're welcome to come hang out with us. That shows the person that you are inclusive, that you do value your friends and your plants. So I hope that those three things help. But beyond this neediness goes more than the surface level, which is what we've covered. Where neediness comes from is not feeling like you have options, like feeling like that person is your best chance at being happy. And the real way to combat that, which takes effort and time, is to create options in your life. That doesn't just mean dating other people, though, it can. You know, that's going to clearly give you some options on a Friday night. But it can also mean investing in your fitness regimen, which you have to do. Creating a business, more habits, spending time with friends, the more things that you have in your life that make you happy and the less willing you are to compromise on those actually, the more people you will draw towards you because you are valuing yourself and investing in you. And that is going to signal to them that they need to do the same. So I hope that this has given you something to reflect on. Maybe you've seen some neediness in yourself that you can begin to root out. But I know that this video covers a lot of what happens to after the first meeting. But a lot of people have asked me, well, how do I actually get that to occur? And there are some simple things, some simple three things typically that I will say to a girl that I'm interested in when I want to talk to her. And we set up a video that has that. If you want to click the link here, that's going to take you to another page where you can drop your email and then get those three things that typically I use to start conversation many of the times. Now, do these work for women or gay people? Gay men, women? I'm honestly not sure. I've only been myself and my experience is limited. So I will say these absolutely work for guys that are interested in women. Everyone else, I'm sorry, I don't have the experience and I'm not certain. But regardless of who you are, I do hope that you decide to subscribe to the channel. It's not all the time that we do dating advice, but I've seen this happen to a bunch of friends recently and I wanted to touch on it because neediness is not just going to kill your romantic relationships. It can actually ruin friendships. So when you got it, when you start investing in yourself, things just go better across the table. So I hope that you guys decide to subscribe to the channel. It's going to be much more than dating. We've got charisma, confidence, all those kind of things. Plus celebrity breakdowns. And of course, any comments, go ahead and drop them below. I hope that you've enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.