How Being A "Nice Guy" Is Sabotaging Your Relationships

The nice guy gets harpooned. In today's society, we're told that nice guys finish last. We're told that nice guys can't get the girl. And this is true of nice women as well. I completely disagree. I think that that might be true of a weak person, an indecisive person, someone who lacks confidence or people skills. But a nice person, a good person, can also be an incredibly charismatic, strong, leading, attractive person. Now, that being said, there is a habit that I see from nice people that is sabotaging your relationships. And there's a better way to do things that can get you more of what you want while conveying extreme levels of confidence and will make people respect you more. All of this is top of mind for me because I just realized that I myself was incredibly guilty of this in my relationships, especially my relationship with my girlfriend. That hurts to admit, but I think that this video will be incredibly helpful for people. So I decided that I would just suck it up and make it so. There are two main ways that I see that quote, unquote, nice guys will actually be the opposite of nice. They will be manipulative in an attempt to control someone and get something from that person. And the first is scorekeeping or trading. You can call it whatever you want. But I realized that when I was doing nice things for my girlfriend, I was not doing them just to be nice. I was doing them because I wanted something. Whether it was a behavior like I would give her a massage, hoping that she would say, oh, wow, that was really nice, I'll give you one, or I was giving her gifts, not hoping for gifts, but just hoping that it would make her love me. So instead of giving out of love, I was giving to get love. And ultimately you don't always get what you're hoping for and you end up bitter or resentful. And the other person has no idea because you're not saying anything. You're just hoping that by doing these things you can manipulate them into being the person you want or acting the way you want. It's incredibly destructive and ultimately it hurts you more than the other person. Even the second thing that I see that a lot of quote unquote, nice guys will do is, is they will ask indirectly for something or they will try to use guilt to get something. And I was guilty of this too. I would, you know, my girlfriend is an excellent cook, for example, and I would love for her to cook more. But instead of just saying, hey, baby, I love your cooking, would you mind cooking dinner tonight? I would Say, hey, why don't you cook as much as you used to? And I didn't want the answer. I wasn't waiting for her to explain that work had picked up and she was more tired, or that the grocery store down the street maybe got more expensive, or any of these plausible reasons that it could be. I was just doing it to start this conversation in a passive, indirect way so that hopefully she'd go, oh, I didn't realize that you wanted me to cook more. And it's very irritating and it doesn't get you what you want. It certainly didn't get me what I was going for. So how do you get what you want if it's not by doing nice things or trying to be indirect, using all these covert types tactics? It's just by asking, why is that so hard for us? Why are so many people averse to just asking for what they want? I think it comes down to two things. One, this is totally accurate, but we've been taught that being needy is the death of romantic relationships, and I think that's true. No one likes a needy person. But being needy is so different from having needs. We all have needs. I have needs. You have needs. The most and least confident people that we know have needs. And there's no shame in asking for what we want. But some of us have been convinced that you shouldn't necessarily just ask directly for something because the person might suddenly like you less. And it's total. I'm not supposed to swear, but it's total bs. The second reason that I think so many of us are averse to asking for what we want or need is, is because we're afraid the person will say no. And that can be hurtful for two reasons. One, if you're asking for something reasonable and your partner says no, your relationship is kind of in the toilets. If you try to duck around and skirt around and give and trick, you don't have to face that reality. But if you turn to your significant other head on and you go, hey, I love your cooking. Would you mind cooking for me tonight? And they don't either say yes or tonight's not good, but how about this weekend? And they just go, no. Now you have to face that you're not dating the person you probably think in your head you are, that's tough. And that puts you in a really tough spot. And the second reason that you might not want to ask directly and hear that no is because you don't just hear no. I didn't just hear no when I Would ask for something and get told family or a significant other. And by being aware of it, you can start to catch yourself. You can notice yourself giving and say, am I giving because I love the person, I just want to make the person's day. Or am I giving to get something? And the answer probably is it depends. Sometimes you probably give out of pure love and sometimes you probably give to get. And by knowing this you can catch it. Same with the questions that are indirect or the use of guilt. Just by knowing this, you become aware of it and you can go, you know what, I'm just going to act directly. And when you ask directly, ironically you, you are way more likely to get a yes. Like I said, I went through this personal development seminar this weekend. It was 40 hours over the course of three days and it's where I learned this about myself. And there's a graduation ceremony, so I called my girlfriend, I explained to her what I learned, I apologized and I said I would really love if you were to come to this. I asked knowing that we're long distance. So it's a nine hour drive round trip for a 36 hour visit and she had to go and get up for 5am to get back to her hometown in time to go to class. So I was fully expecting a no, but I figured I would just ask directly to practice. To my surprise, she said yes. And it shouldn't be a surprise because she loves me and she's willing to do anything to make me happy. It blew my mind. It made my day. She was there for something important to me. It was a really incredible experience and I want that for you. That's why I'm sharing it. So please just try to be aware of this and ask for things directly because you will hear yes and you will be viewed as a confident person that people can respect. So hopefully you like this video whether you liked it or not. Let me know in the comments because I'm thinking about making a lot more mindset videos like this where we talk not just about eye contact, your body language, the external stuff, but the internal that I think makes a huge impact on how people react to you and the quality of your life. And if you want more videos like that, definitely subscribe and click the notification bell because Charlie's been working on a 30 day program that's all around emotional mastery and mindsets and confidence I think is going to be amazing. So thank you very much for watching and I will see you in the next video.