How To Be Charming When Talking To People

What's up, everybody? This is Charlie from Charisma on Command. And today I'm going to be doing a charisma breakdown of Jennifer Lawrence. And I'm going to be focusing on two things that she is amazing at, which is being more relatable and more likable. Now, it's not just because if you go on any YouTube channel, any sort of Internet forum, there's this incredible outpouring of love and affection for her by people who have never met her. Really, they just watch these videos. It's also that she's the most famous actress on the planet, yet she does not seem to garner any of the animosity or jealousy that you would expect for someone in that position. That is very common when people achieve high status. And I want to talk about why, because it's something she does in just about every interview. So let's get started.

Close. You were working there. I don't know what you did.

It didn't come across over the course of a full week, what I did there?

No. I had a really big crush on you.

Okay, so this is your first hint. What she does in just about every interview is she tells these vulnerable, embarrassing, weird human stories. And while you can tell stories about just about anything to build a connection, because we love narrative, people love narratives. The ones that really are gonna create the most impact are these embarrassing ones. And it's threefold. The reason why, first off, as soon as you start telling an embarrassing story, you've got somebody's interest because it's gonna be juicy. The second thing is that you have instant credibility. People don't like to talk about the things that are awkward, different, weird, or embarrassing about them. And so when you start telling the story, that trust is built almost instantly. And then last, if you go there first, you are demonstrating that you are a leader. Because, honestly, this is the stuff that we bond over with our friends. And if you're capable of doing this in interactions or group environments, not that you're just bleeding your heart out, but if you're capable of telling these embarrassing stories, people are instantly going to find you a leader because you are the one who has gone there first. So let's see what she does.

Yes. And so I had this whole plan, like, all week. I was like. I was like, he's gonna ask me out. He's totally gonna ask me out. No.

Okay, I wanna pause here real quick. A second thing to keep in mind. As she tells the story, she does it very well. Count the different number of emotions that she embodies so she did the first. Very embarrassed, put her head down. Now she's in a power pose. This is a short story, but there's of emotions that she actually acts out that keeps us emotionally involved. Remember this from a storytelling perspective. The entire goal is to take someone on an emotional journey. And the easiest way to do that is to go on that journey for them, to show them the exact emotions that you experience. So just watch her do that.

And then, like later in the week, I was like, I'm ask him out. I mean, he said, like, surely, because I created the romance in my head, because I'm delusional, okay? And so I was like. So I was like, okay, you know what? I'm doing it. I'm doing it. And so I'm in the middle, I'm getting a costume fitting. And I had this whole plan. I was going to ask you out. And I was like. And I started, thank God. I talked to the wardrobe lady about it. And I was like, I think I'm out here. I'm going to give him my number. And she was like, honey, he's engaged. I was like, cool, Good talk.

So again, there were so many emotions in there. And I just want to highlight a point that I talk about all the time on the channel. Congruency is king. When you are telling a story or anything, you want to make sure that you're one. The words, the facial expressions, the gesticulations are all in line with what you are the trying to communicate. If you say, yeah, it was really exciting, you do not build trust in people because the tone of voice that you have and the content of what you're saying don't match. So if you can't make those things match, it is very suspect that you will actually be honest. At least that is how people will perceive you. So make sure you nail the congruency thing. The second thing is that this is so simple. This story is so basic. She didn't ask a guy out who happened to be engaged yet. We laugh the whole time. And I want to highlight it because of the emotions that she acts out. If you want to go for laughs, you can do it in really smart ways. But I've talked about this before. The easiest way is physical comedy and committing to your jokes.

But it was so long ago that now I feel like I can tell.

You, yeah, and it's safe because it worked out. I married that lady as you're married.

So that worked out safe. You're locked away.

So cheers to how everything worked out. Yeah.

Cheers to my humiliation, I guess.

Do you have.

That feels great. That's the greatest thing I've ever. Cheers.

We should have had you do a toast at our wedding.

I'm not happy or without you.

And so you see here she continues to tease herself. And this is something that's called self deprecating humor. Now before I go any farther, I want to talk about this because there are a lot of misconceptions about when it is best to use self deprecating humor and when you shouldn't. So first, when you shouldn't, people think it has to do with your social standing or status when you shouldn't use it. And in fact it has much more to do with your level of self esteem. We've all been around someone who was insecure about their weight or something else and they started to talk negatively about it in a joking way, but you could tell that they were really insecure about it. And it makes this awkward feeling of just being alien from them, of wanting them to stop that line of conversation. Please stop beating yourself up. You do not want to do self deprecating humor if you have low self esteem because it bleeds through. Another note, I will do a video on self esteem. I love self esteem as a topic. It's incredible for improving your life, but this is not the time or place. Keep your eyes out for a different video on that. The second thing, the time. That self deprecating humor can be really useful, honestly. You can pepper it sporadically throughout conversations, but it is incredibly powerful when you are in a high status, high power position or when you're asked to talk about your economy accomplishments. And that's what I want to show you right now.

You are 23 years old, you just got nominated for your third Oscar. So you went to the Oscars for the third time.

Yes.

So this is exactly what I'm talking about. This is a difficult subject to talk about, being nominated for three Oscars at age 23 without coming across as arrogant. So just watch how she tells the story and see how your feelings about her evolve as she tells it.

And how was it? Did you approach it any differently? For the third time I did.

Well, my best friend Laura like sat me down when I first came, when I first got nominated for Silver Linings my second time. And then she was like, I get it. Your family like has to go, but if it happens again, I'm going.

So here's a point where everybody else starts talking about the dresses and what other famous people they saw and she's about to tell a story of her and her friend going to a party. Now, it does happen to be the Oscars, but she tells it from an angle that people can relate to. That is important.

And I was like, okay. And then I took her. She was a terrible influence on me. She kept like. I kept. We, like, left. And then she was like, meet me at the bar. And so I, like, snuck. I was like, oh, my God, I can't do this. And she.

And again, she's not telling this story from the perspective of being an insider. She's telling it as she would if she were just a normal person picked off the street who happened to be at the Oscars. And because she presents herself that way, and because that's how she feels, the audience, who is just normal people off the street, feels much more able to relate to her.

I was like, you can do whatever you want. And I was like, I can. And then we ran into Brad Pitt. And she was like, get Brad Pitt over here. And I was like, I can't do that. She was like, yes, you can. And then so I just went, hey, Brad Pitt. Hey, Brad Pitt. And then he, like came over. He smelled like sandalwood. Really? It was unbelievable.

So she goes and tells this story. And if you're like most people, you probably have had this feeling of being able to relate to her because she doesn't tell it from a perspective of this being totally beneath her. She tells it from a perspective that most people have, which is nerve wracking, exciting, starstruck upon seeing Brad Pitt, not knowing exactly how to behave yourself. When you tell a story about your accomplishments, particularly to someone who has not been there, you want to focus on the human aspect of the journey. There's this old adage in football, you know, act like you've been there before. When you're talking about accomplishments with someone who hasn't been there before, do not do that. You want to share with them the excitement, the nervousness, because that's the only way that they're going to be able to relate to you. And it's something that she does incredibly well.

Yeah. And then I was like, okay, I'm going out for the first. I've never gone out after Golden Globes or Oscars or anything. You're just sick of people by that point. God. But this time I was like, I'm going out and I puked all over. There's this big fancy party, this Gaia Syria Madonna party. If you get invited, you're like, you know, super important.

And again, so she's mocking the hoity toity ness of the entire event while talking about how she puked on this guy's porch. That again, makes her much more relatable. Not that you need to go out and screw up and throw up all over the place whenever you're doing this. Don't invent things in your story, but if you are talking about your accomplishments in particular, or if you just want to, if you feel like in a situation that you might have a little too much status, you might feel unrelatable to the people beneath you, this could be someone that works for you. This could be if you're in school, perhaps someone several grades younger. It often has to do with age and position in companies and things like that, but it can also occur in just a group where someone is not as talkative and outgoing as you are. If you feel that this has occurred, you might want to consider a bit of self deprecation because honestly, a bit of relatability and a bit of vulnerability couldn't hurt in that moment. So I hope you've liked this video. Really, it's been a discussion of self deprecation and vulnerability and how those add to people feeling like they can relate to you. Because if you've ever read Robert Cialdini's Influence, there are six factors, and one of them is likability. If people like you, you can influence them. And the biggest thing that contributes to likability is feeling like you are similar to them. So when you have the same problems, the same struggles, the same embarrassing moments that people can go, oh my God, that's exactly how I would behave. It has a very, very strong impact on how much they like you and how much you're able to influence them. In addition, this can create two, maybe three of the emotions that you need to make an amazing first impression every time. And in fact, there are four emotions. Four emotions that if you nail and get in the right order, you're basically guaranteed to amazing first impression on anyone. So if you want to learn more about what those emotions are, go ahead and click the link here. It's going to take you to another page where you can drop your email and we've set up a video after that talks about what those emotions are so that no matter where you are, it really does not matter what part of the world, what sort of status of the person you're talking to, you know, the kind of emotions that you need to create in them and the order you need to do it in so that you're not sunk. Because honestly, if you get it wrong, first impressions can be tough to recover from. So I hope you've enjoyed this video. If you guys have anyone else that you want to see, go ahead, add them in the comments. I really use those for inspiration. And if you want want more videos like this, I'm going to create one a week. Not always like this, sometimes just me talking to the camera. But that is my early New Year's resolution. So go ahead and subscribe. You'll get those all the time coming up, maybe twice a week. I don't know. I'm excited. But anyway, this is Charlie. I hope that you've enjoyed this video and I will see you in the next one.