How To Confidently Defend Yourself In A Disagreement

Changing someone's mind is hard.

Not listening. I'm not listening.

Part of the problem is that we often trigger one another's emotional defenses before the content of our arguments can be evaluated. And that is why in this video, I want to give you five do's and don'ts to actually change someone's minds who may vehemently disagree with you. And we will be using Steven Crowder's Change My Mind segment to do it. Two caveats before we begin. First, I will only be showing Stephen for the examples of behavior that I'm referring to. He he's had guests who have illustrated both the do's and the don'ts, but he's the face, so he is the one that I will be using. Second, this has nothing to do with who is right, either morally or logically. Sound logic is of course important, especially when it comes to forming your own beliefs. But this video focuses on the interpersonal guidelines so that you can learn to communicate more productively. So our first point is that when it comes to persuasion, you are best served to go. So just about anything that gives you and the other person a rest from a barrage of point counterpoint can do the trick. Stephen has an opportunity built into the beginning of a segment where he explains what's about to happen.

This is designed to be a discussion that hopefully opens a civil dialogue. I believe in searching for the truth. My presupposition is that there are two genders. And if you would like to change my mind on that, you're more than welcome.

But Stephen also catches when people are making points that aren't responding to one another. And he often suggests that people cause to catch up to one another.

Ask you a question. Sure, I want to make. Because we like, we just. And I appreciate you taking the time and I appreciate you being civil. I think we're maybe missing each other here. Can you explain to me someone crosses the, let's say, Mexican American border, Right?

You can do the same thing if you're ever feeling lost in an argument or if it ever looks like the person that you're talking to isn't quite understanding the point that you're trying to make. What is far less effective from a persuasion standpoint is going quickly. Now, from a logical perspective, this may sound counterintuitive. After all, if you know that your point requires four supporting pillars, you may be tempted to get them all out there ASAP so that you can save time and wrap the discussion up. But this is actually counterproductive because when people are offered information that clashes with their belief systems, they'll often disagree reflexively if they aren't given time to integrate the new information. This leads us to our second point, which is a particular form of slowing down. That is the most important piece of changing someone's mind, and that is building rapport. Because if someone doesn't like you, the odds that you change their mind approach zero. And then we see Steven build rapport in a number of ways that to a logician might seem entirely useless. For instance, in those situations where you might know just a little about someone, establishing the basics of their life can be essential.

Now, let me ask you this. You said you come from your first generation immigrant family?

Yes, I am.

So could you tell me a little bit about your family and your parents?

Similarly, if you have something positive to say, you don't need to hold back because you're in an argument. In fact, it's best to let those compliments fly.

Dig the shoes. Okay.

Also incredibly useful is establishing commonalities is it might seem silly, but sharing a hobby, an acquaintance, or a location that you've lived in immediately makes people feel that you are like them, which makes them view your position with less suspicion. I grew up in a like Longview, East Texas.

I have an in law from Longview, actually. Longview. You would go to Tyler, right? Is that where they had the big escalator? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

To be clear, rapport building is not something that should be done simply at the beginning of an interaction and then cast aside in favor of syllogisms. Especially when things get heated, it is important to allow the flow of argument to break. This communicates that the relationship is more important than who is right. Watch STEPHEN Break after 10 minutes of discussion in this next clip.

Very welcoming people. Very welcoming. Food was a big thing. We would sit and I learned the squishy bread, all that stuff. I didn't like it at first. The texture was a little weird.

You have to dip with the sauce. Right now, the opposite of building rapport is breaking rapport. And while it might sound obvious you don't want to do this if your goal is to persuade the person with whom you're talking, yes, breaking rapport can get a crowd behind you. And that's partially why Christopher Hitchens Hitch Slap compilations have become so popular.

You give me the awful impression, I hate to have to say it, of someone who hasn't read any of the arguments against your position ever.

If it's of interest, we can cover the insult argument in the future. But for the purposes of this video, we Won't dive any deeper because those hitch slaps don't change the mind of the person with whom you are speaking. Similarly, these insults do not work when it comes to changing someone's mind. So don't do stuff like this.

Who are you arguing with? You're Don Quixote fighting windmills, man. I know you like to sound really intelligent by speaking in paragraphs. One thing, you've misused words several times. And if someone were to call you on it and be as rude as you are, you might look what you might refer to as stupid. Okay, so you're using it in an insulting way. You can say that. Okay, a little bit of banter, A little bit of. Yeah, well, we don't call that friendly banter. Generally, we call that being a dick.

You may have noticed that Stephen mentioned that he felt he had been disrespected first. And I'm not trying to say whose fault it is, but I do want to highlight that if you get to a point where insults have been hurled, you're no longer changing minds, but competing in a dominance game. And I'd recommend our video on Russell Brand for how you can go about disarming these attacks without insulting someone back instead with humor and get back to genuine persuasion. But for this video, it's enough to say that insults aren't doing anything to help you change someone's mind. And winning an insult argument is. Isn't going to get you very far in that department. Now, as the conversation moves along, inevitably you run into areas where you're going to disagree. That's kind of the point of these types of arguments. And the instinct here is to fact check or push back at every single opportunity. In fact, that's what many of the people who sit down with Steven do. They immediately disagree despite knowing only a three to five word summary of Steven's position. A better strategy is to resist the urge to point fight and instead wait until you deeply understand the other person's position. Before you begin to disagree concretely, you should attempt to concisely summarize how the other person feels, like you see Stephen do here.

So you're saying. So you're saying that sex and gender are very different. Yes. Okay, I understand. So that's your premise. Retransformation of society based on. From what I'm hearing from you, unless I'm mistaken, abstracts. I haven't heard a number. I haven't heard what defines male or female, only how people feel. And I just. That's, to me, that's not very convincing or conducive toward a productive society. So I want to make sure that I'm understanding your reasoning for why it is a baby outside versus inside the womb, even though it's the same age. You are saying that location and that determines whether it's a human life. Because in fact, when it's inside the womb, it is not a separate human being. It is a part of the mother.

Yes.

Okay, I've not misrepresented you there. I understand you correctly.

Yeah.

Okay.

Only does this technique prevent you from wasting time debating positions your partner doesn't even hold, but it satisfies a core emotional need for anyone who might change their mind, and that is to feel that they've been personally validated, repeating their position back to them, asking for clarification. That is an effective way to do that. For illustration of how the opposite can hamper discussion, watch the student's face here. When Steven tells him he he leans left politically even when that student has previously said that he doesn't.

I would argue no. And I think that's because, again, this is more of a leftist view. I know you said you're not really liberal, but I can tell you by your worldview on economics that you do lean more left because you're seeing it as a zero sum game. Wealthy people can't get wealthy off of the backs of poor people if they make them more poor.

So if you find someone verbally or visibly disagreeing with your characterization of their stance, pause and clarify. If you don't, it won't matter how many points you score, you're not going to change their mind. Similarly, when it comes time to share your own perspective, no matter how certain you may be, it is usually best not to state your beliefs as objective truths. Instead, use language that makes clear you're speaking from your individual perception of reality.

Like here, based on. From what I'm hearing from you, unless I'm mistaken, abstracts. I haven't heard a number. I haven't heard what defines male or female, only how people feel. And I just. That's. To me, that's not very convincing or conducive toward a productive society. Seemed pretty upset. I would say that you were shouting, but I guess you don't see it that way. And that's okay. By the way, I don't begrudge you. What is it that you wanted to clarify for me?

Great phrases for this can include the way that I see things, or unless I'm wrong or according to the studies that I've read, these make people less likely to get defensive at being flatly told that their position is objectively wrong. The opposite of this would be laying claim to objective reality that contradicts the other person.

Okay, so everything you've just said is inaccurate.

This can sound frustrating, especially if you are certain that you are right and the other person is wrong. Why would you want to not claim objective truth? But it's important because presenting your beliefs as tentative understandings rather than unchanging truths is more than just rhetorical. Your study may in fact be misleading. The research that you're citing may be upturned in five years time, and the words that you heard that other person say just a moment before might be misremembered. There is always a chance that you are mistaken. So it's not only more persuasive, but also more precise to add these types of qualifiers. One caveat here is that people on the fence will often be persuaded by confident proclamations that reveal no doubt. But when you're talking to someone who disagrees with you, it's much better to use qualifiers. Now, when it comes to winning, the problem here is that if there is a clear winner, there is necessarily a clear loser. So try not to highlight your opponent's concessions or contradictions with uproar. You want to frame the discussion not as a tug of war, which you have won, but as a search for agreements to which you both contributed.

For example, we both agree if someone sought to nationalize oppressed, that would be a problem. That'd be a step toward fascism, right? Would we both agree on that? Yes. Okay, good, good. So we have some common ground there.

The opposite of this practice would be dunking on someone, making a show of the moments where they've contradicted themselves or moved to your side. Take a look at the student's reaction here. It's reflexively defensive and unconvinced.

The rich, the upper class. See, it's a different classism. Hitler, you know, we say the 1% Hitler said the Jews. So the point is. No, no, it's not a false equivalency.

Just know that if you do dunk and you make a big deal out of these moments, you're very likely to take all that hard work that you put in and throw it away. So even if you feel the other person has been a jerk or they've debated in bad faith or insulted you, don't gloat in victory. Just calmly call out that it seems like you agree. It doesn't matter that you've been perceived to win if your goal was to change someone's mind. And because that has been accomplished now, as I was finishing this video, Stephen released another Change My Mind. And at the end of it, the professor with whom Stephen is speaking has one of the more profound reversals of opinion that I've seen in all the change my minds that I've watched.

Yay. And I'm saying the best student should be the one who gets into school. I agree.

So again, we go back to the.

Beginning of this thing. I said it's not racist, and now.

I'm thinking maybe it's. What's most interesting here is that Stephen and the professor spent most of their time just talking about life, their stories, joking around, even having the students do a hip hop wave at the end, they barely touched on statistics. And as mentioned, this is possible because one of the most powerful ways to change someone's mind is to build strong rapport. Building rapport creates trust, mutual understanding and likability. And without those, you can't be influential, persuasive or inspiring. And this goes beyond just debating whether you're asking for a raise, selling a product, trying to land a date, or, or leading a team. Your success heavily depends on how well you can build rapport. And if you want the ability to quickly build rapport with just about anyone that you want, you should definitely check out Charisma University. Charisma University is our flagship step by step guided program that is guaranteed to make you more charismatic and confident in just 30 days. And when you are extremely charismatic and confident, building rapport, being persuasive and influencing people can become second nature. Now Charisma University also comes with a daily action guide that makes it super simple for you to form your charismatic habits. So this is all second nature. You don't have to think about it. All that you have to do is follow the guide and you will get the results. And we've had thousands of people go through this program and get life changing outcomes. And this is what some of the members have to say. So the first one comes from a guy who got promoted to a senior position very early in his career. And he says, I don't even have a bachelor diploma yet. They want me to fill this position. And when I asked why this was the answer, they said, you have great social skills, which is rare for an engineer. You can think quick on your feet and you are open and self assured in your demeanor. Thank you so much for all that you have taught me. You have truly changed my life. Because without charisma diversity, I wouldn't have qualified for that position in a million lifetimes. Now this next member writes thank you so much for creating Charisma University. This is a game changer that changed how I approach my boss, my peers and strangers. It gave me the guts to stand up for myself and others, start a business and engage others. Even after the 30 day program, I still feel like there's so much track to run on and I'm just getting started. And now this last member for today says I've always been bad at expressing myself in situations that weren't one on one. Even one on one. I'd struggle to make connections half the time. But after Charisma University, I am way more confident in saying what I think and feel. Even in bigger group settings, I feel much more happy all the time. I was even able to talk to a woman that I've had a crush on for a year and make a great first impression. Overall, I love this course and I keep coming back to it whenever I need a refresher. Thank you so much for making it. Now this is just the tip of the iceberg. You can see many more success stories like these in our course. Comments if you do decide to join now, Charisma University also comes with a 60 day money back guarantee which is 100% for any reason whatsoever. And it's 60 days even though the course is only 30, so that you can go through risking absolutely nothing if you decide to join. And that means you either become a more charismatic and confident version of yourself in 30 days or if you're not satisfied, you can of course get every single penny. So go ahead, click on the link on your screen or the link in the description to find out more about Charisma University if that is appealing to you. Also, with New Year's coming up, this can be one of the best resolutions that you ever make. Anyway, I hope that you've liked today's video. I wish you a happy New Year in advance and as always, I look forward to seeing you in the next one.