How To Connect With People If You Have Anxiety

We all handle relationships in different ways. And one powerful way to understand these differences is through the lens of attachment theory. According to psychologists, there are four main attachment styles which have profound effects on our relationships. And in this video, we're going to break down those different styles using iconic characters and show you how you can use this knowledge to improve your relationships with everyone around you. The first type is the avoidant. The avoidant is marked by their discomfort with deep connection. And in real life, you can think of the person who ghosts out of budding relationships or feels that any display of emotion is overkill. You can see it in in moments as simple as hugs.

That's not a hug. I'm just grabbing the door for you. We're not. We're not there yet.

It could come through even more subtly, such as avoiding eye contact in situations where either person is likely to get emotional. In this case, where Tony dubs Peter an avenger for the first time, which he knows is something that means the world to him.

You'Re an avenger now.

This discomfort with connection can lead to rather creative ways to avoid it that go beyond just the physical. One simple way is to invest much more in the beginning phases of a relationship than in the later phases. This way, the avoidant can enjoy the exciting aspects of relationships while escaping when that deeper connection threatens to form. In fact, avoidance can make for very charming daters, but often for upsetting long term partners. In addition to simply disappearing, another common tactic of the avoidant is to use humor to quickly defuse situations that might become too emotional. It's one of their most effective tactics because their fear of intimacy is well hidden behind smiles and sarcasm. You see it for instance, in Good Will Hunting, when Will trolls all of his therapists as they try to reach.

Out to him, skyrockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Hey. Afternoon delight.

As you see there, avoidance can often be funny in a very irreverent way, which makes us think that they've got everything under control. They will also use that biting sense of humor to control others. When they begin to open up to them, they're prone to shame any sort of display of emotion and return to the limited connection that they are much more comfortable with.

Dad went to 711 to get scratchers. I guess he won because that was six years ago. Hmm. Which happens. Dad's leave. No need to be a pussy about it. Here's what I need.

Like all attachment types, the avoidant is created in childhood. Something occurred that made the avoidant associate connection with pain. Hence the tremendous unconscious effort that they exert to escape it. A typical story is that one or both parents were physically present, but emotionally unavailable. And Tony Stark typifies this childhood experience.

What do you remember about your dad? Huh? He was cold, he was calculating. He never told me he loved me. Never even told me he liked me.

It's only through great effort in the later movies that we see Tony start to overcome this blockage that he has to connection. Which is good news if you are an avoidant yourself, because you too can change. One thing you can do today is to simply send a thank you letter, an email, a text, or better yet, tell someone in person how much they mean to you and look them in the eye while you do it. The second type is the anxious type. And those are the inverse of the avoidant. They fear the loss of connection. Now they're often in relationships or hopping from one to another. And the psychological reason for this is simple. For an anxious type, being without a cherished connection can feel like dying. And it's no mistake that they often describe it that way, saying, you're my everything.

Or the thought of not being with you. I can't breathe.

Unconsciously, anxious types sometimes use the pain of being without their loved one to control the person that they're in a relationship with. They make the other person fear their own suffering. And they fear it so much that they might not break up with that person, even if the relationship is failing. Other times, they literally might threaten self harm, though this doesn't happen always. Now in the Notebook it is played as romantic. But take this out of the Hollywoodization and you have an extremely unhealthy example of anxious style, threats and obsession.

What? No. Noah. No. No. Hey, Pap, she just told you. Why not? I don't know.

Because I don't want to.

Noah. Well, you leave me no other choice then. Oh my God.

The notebook. In Star wars get another aspect of the anxious types romantic behaviors. Correct. Obsession can form before really even knowing an individual. Noah threatens to kill himself after staring at Allie. That is, as long as they have seen one another in their lives. Anakin remains obsessed with Padme for years without even seeing her. What is really happening in these situations, if you've experienced something similar in your own life, is that the anxious type is projecting an idealized image onto the object of their affection. Their low self image can blind them to the flaws of others, making them willing to change anything just to be close to that person.

I can be whatever you want. You just tell me what you want and I'll be that for you.

Unfortunately, the anxious type's low self image also makes them suspect that that perfect object of their desire could never really want to be with them. Not for long anyway. So even when they may be in a relationship with that person, they tend to cling tightly. Eventually, all that clinging turns to suspicion and they drive people away, confirming what they've suspected all along.

No. You're with him.

You brought him here to kill me. Like the avoidant, the reason anxious types are both needy of attention and expecting of abandonment goes back to childhood. Obviously, there can be many factors, but the loss of a cherished caretaker at a young age can cause this. As we see with both Anakin and Peter Parker, who exhibits these to a smaller degree. Connection is felt to be valuable but impermanent and thus must always be safeguarded. Now, if you are an anxious type, a good stepping stone is to cultivate a hobby or skill that has nothing to do with relationships. Something that you can do by yourself. Having those style of things going on in your life makes it so that you don't base your entire identity and self worth simply on other people. Next up, we have the fearful type. And thankfully this type is very rare compared to the others, making up roughly 2% of the population. But it does combine the most challenging traits of the anxious and avoidant types. They can be unpredictable and they find ways to sabotage the very things that they seem to want the most. One of the attributes of these fearful types is that they bounce between that anxious behavior, like the people pleasing that we see from Nebula in Endgame, and the hatred and the fear that we see just a short time later in that timeline.

You're going to kill my father? You dare to oppose me?

You see what he has turned me into? You kill him, I will help you.

Destroy a thousand planets.

And though I previously mentioned him as an avoidant example, as we see more of Will in Good Will Hunting, it becomes clear that he is truly a fearful type. He displays avoidance early in his relationships and and then extreme anxiety when Skyler invites him out to California to connect deeper. He can't believe that she would want to stay with him.

You just want to have your little fling with like the guy from the other side of town. Then you're gonna go off to Stanford. You're gonna marry some rich prick who your parents will approve of and just sit around with the other trust fund babies and talk about how you went slumming too once.

Will, being a fearful type craves, yet is uncomfortable with the affection that comes in a relationship which makes him lash out unpredictably at the people he cares the most about. And we see his fear and anger boil over in this exact pat.

I look like I need that? No. God, I just want to be with you. I love you. Don't push at me. Don't you fucking bullshit me.

If you've ever known someone who can't seem to find a stable relationship, no matter who they date, who becomes more violent as they get closer to someone, you may have witnessed a fearful type in action. Now, in terms of childhood, fearful types are often victims of trauma, which may have included verbal, physical or sexual abuse. They may have felt that they had no one that they could rely on for love. Nebula, for instance, was torn apart and berated by Thanos. Her sister, pitted against her will, was beaten by his foster dad after being abandoned and orphaned. The fearful type has the most robust defense mechanisms. Because in their experience, vulnerability means ultimate pain. Which means that in those rare emotional moments. When the vulnerability is threatening to expose itself, you can see just about every defense mechanism under the sun. Come back to back to back. And Goodwill Hunting did an excellent job of portraying this.

This is not your fault. Yeah, I know that. Look at me, son. It's not your fault. I know. It's not your fault. I know. No, no, you don't. It's not your fault. I know. It's not your fault. All right? It's not your fault. Don't fuck with me. Not your fault. Don't fuck with me. All right? Don't fuck with me, Sean. Not you. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Now, if this seems like you. It is often the case that childhood trauma can be at the root of this issue. And it's best to move through these with professional guidance. Be sure, though, to find someone that you have some rapport with. Because trust is a necessary piece of addressing these traumas. Lastly, we have the secure type. And unfortunately, we don't see a whole lot of these types in romantic movies because they don't tend to be very dramatic. They don't cling or run. And it's because, unlike all the other types, the relationships of that secure type are. Are not driven by fear. That isn't to say that they don't feel fear. They simply trust that they have the fortitude to deal with the inevitable heartache that comes from deeper connections.

Don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid. I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of? You're afraid of me. You're afraid that I won't love you back. You know what? I'm afraid too. Fuck it. I want to give it a shot and at least I'm honest with you.

Secure types can trust others to see them in vulnerable moments because of an unconscious belief that they can open up without immediately being burned for it. They're also comfortable in conflict because they aren't afraid of abandonment. When they disagree with someone, they tend to do so in a calm manner. Cap doesn't have to raise his voice, his tempo usually stays even, and he doesn't point fingers or throw his hands up in exasperation.

Tony, you chose to do that.

If we sign this, we surrender our right to choose. And when it comes to working with others, they don't have a one size fits all solution. They don't need to be mindlessly independent or fearfully group oriented. They can treat each situation separately, deciding whether their goals are best suited by working alone or by relying on others.

How are you guys planning on beating that together?

The common thread with the secure type is that they are not reenacting their childhood trauma so they can treat each new relationship as it is. They're not just focused on whether or not there is a connection, but on the quality of that connection. They keep the good ones and discard the bad. In the case of the relationship with Tony in Civil War, Cap doesn't have to run back to him because he's terrified of being alone. Neither does he have to cast him aside forever because he's afraid of getting hurt. Instead, he apologizes first and he offers a path to reconciliation because he respects and trusts Tony's moral compass.

I wish we agreed on the Accords. I really do. I know you're doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do. That's all any of us should.

Now, we don't see much of Steve's childhood in the mcu, but you get the sense that he received ample love and consistently got his needs met. He also had a long friendship with Bucky. Instead of the competitive relationship like Nebula had with Gamora, Bucky was always looking out for him, showing him support when he most needed it.

Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own. The thing is, you don't have to. I'm with you to the end of the line, pal.

If you're a secure type, congratulations. You're doing well and you probably had a strong upbringing. But of course no one falls fully into any of these categories. Keep your eyes out for behaviors and motivations that might indicate anxious or avoidant tendencies, and recognize that not being driven by fear doesn't automatically mean you always act exactly like you might wish. So brushing up on some other videos of ours regarding relationships couldn't hurt. So I hope this helped you learn about your relationship style and potentially to improve it Quick announcement that we now have a podcast and it is not necessarily charisma related, but hopefully still entertaining. So if you want to check that out, there's a highlight channel link below and of course here in the corner. We'll be uploading full podcasts once we nail the format, but for now it's highlights. Also, if you are interested in improving your relationship starting from the beginning, you might want to check out a video that I made that explains the four emotions you want to create every time to make an amazing first impression. Create them in the right order. You're going to make an amazing impression and if you skip them, do them out of order. You might not. So if you want to see what those four motions are, go ahead, click the link below, drop your email and check that video out today so you can start using it. Either way. Hope that you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.