How To Look Charming When You're Socially Anxious

No matter who you are, we've all been nervous before, and sometimes your nervousness can get in the way of making a good impression or connecting with someone you like. But being nervous doesn't have to ruin an interaction. There are ways to be incredibly charismatic, even if you're nervous. That's what we'll be learning in today's video on Tom Hiddleston. Now, I'm not saying Tom is always nervous, but he's a great person to learn this from. He's incredibly likable, despite showing some telltale signs of nervousness in interviews, like filler words, fidgeting and blushing. Here's a quick example.

Is that where the Hiddlestoners came from? From Loki? That's a whole other world I don't know about. You know all about the Hiddlestoners.

Despite those habits, Tom is considered extremely charismatic, humble and charming. So in this video, we'll break down five easy tricks you can learn from Tom to come off as charismatic even when you're nervous. Once you learn a few of these tricks, you'll have people saying things like this about you too.

All the above. I mean, he just has the best personality and we got along so ridiculously well. We really did. I'm not joking, I'm not exaggerating.

He was fantastic. I couldn't ask for a better situation. The most sort of charming, relaxed people that makes you feel instantly at ease to talk to. The first trick is extremely easy and has an impact both on how you feel and how you're perceived. Anchor a positive first impression. People often make their first judgment on whether or not they like someone within five seconds of seeing them. In Tom's case, his tailored suits, good posture and big smile dominate how you perceive him, so that even when he's stuttering or using filler words, he still seems charismatic. Beyond that, what you wear has a psychological effect in your mind. Tom describes it nicely here.

The clothes, they make you stand in a different way, they make you behave in a different way, they kind of give you a different bearing and different manners, but also they make you feel sort of more solid in a way. It was a different world, you know, back in the day.

This doesn't mean you have to wear suits all the time, especially if that's not your style. But when you think you look good, it'll make you feel more confident and give you courage in those moments you feel nervous. So don't just dress to blend in with the crowd. Dress in a way that makes you stand with confidence. The next trick you can Steal from Tom is for when you're in conversation. It's to use a one second cliffhanger pause. Most nervous people make the mistake of thinking they have to fill conversational silence. So if they're nervous and their mind goes blank, they will fill the silence with ums and uhs as they struggle to think of something to say. You are much better served to simply stop talking and collect yourself. Not only does pausing for a breath help you internally calm your nerves, it actually makes your stories more captivating and your jokes get bigger laughs. As an example, here's Tom talking about filming the elevator scene in Ragnarok. Watch carefully. See if you notice a pattern in how he uses pauses.

The dialogue was scattered across these different places as they were trying to escape and find their way through. Taika said, guys, do you know the rest of this scene?

As you may have noticed, the key is to pause in the middle of your sentence, not at the end. Pausing at the end might confuse people into thinking you're done speaking, leading them to jump in and accidentally cut you off. Pausing mid sentence safely buys you a moment and keeps people hooked. A mid sentence pause is also a great way to make something funnier. Here's a quick example with Tom telling a story on the Graham Norton Show.

I was challenged, requested, required by, suggested, I think by Graham to do an impersonation of Robert De Niro in front of Robert De Niro. To this day, I still don't know why I did that.

It's not an especially funny sentence, so why does it get a laugh? 1. A pause builds anticipation. 2 Humor is often about defying expectations, and a brief pause lets the listener try to guess what you're going to say, so that what you do say can be unexpected. If you struggle to maintain eye contact when you're nervous, pausing also lets you cheat. You can look away as you think of what to say and then return to making eye contact as you speak, just make sure to look up and to the side rather than down. Another quick thing you can focus on to help your impression if you're nervous is keeping your voice confident, using pace and timbre. Notice in this next clip of Tom, he says, clears his throat, swallows, touches the back of head his but his voice remains low and slow the entire time.

An Italian film based on the Italian novel about kind of the Sicilian Sicilian royalty in the late 19th century. And there's extraordinary party in that film.

A deep, calm voice can help you seem captivating and confident, even if you happen to use filler words or have less than perfect body language. That said, don't try to make your voice unnaturally low. Just be aware if it sounds higher than normal because you're nervous. And if so, take a breath and bring it back to your normal register. If you're interested in a few exercises to actually improve your voice, I'll link to our video on how to create an attractive voice at the end of this video. The next thing you can steal from Tom to be more charismatic when you're feeling nervous is commitment. For example, Tom is known for doing impressions. He's also known for greatly admiring Robert De Niro. Watch how nervous he gets when Graham starts to set him up by asking De Niro if he enjoys seeing people do impressions of him.

It's great. I love it. I only ask. Tom Hiddleston does impress. You do impression of lots of people. So who is in your canon? It's an expression of admiration, just to be clear. So I do. I do.

He's clearly nervous. He touches his legs, knees and tie, fidgets and licks his lips, but he still does the impression. There's two things to notice when he does it. Here's the first part. Think about what you notice.

Michael Mann cuts back to the esteemed gentleman at the end of the sofa.

Tom gets a laugh before he even speaks because he commits fully with his face and body language. The second thing you saw is Tom didn't rush into the impression even though he's nervous. And as you'll see next, he doesn't cut himself short, even though he's embarrassed to do it.

What if you do got me boxed in? I'm not gonna put you down. Moving face to face. Yeah. But I will not hesitate, not for a second. That's my.

Here's another example from a different appearance on the Graham Norton Show. Tom's here to promote I Saw the Light, where he plays musician Hank Williams. Because of this, Graham asks him to yodel. Watch Tom's reaction.

So it goes a little something like this. Oh, God, Here we go.

YouTube is strange about music copyrights, so unfortunately, we have to cut the clip there. But he goes on to do a very committed yodel. Now, most of us don't do impressions or know how to yodel, but there's two things here that we can all take with us when we're in conversation. First, a common mistake that most people make when they're nervous is to keep their movements small and their body language tight. Instead, when you notice yourself feeling nervous, purposely open up your body and use more expansive gestures when you speak. Second, when you're nervous, you may feel an urge to cut yourself short, whether telling stories, doing impressions, or making a joke. But ironically, it's by cutting yourself short that you create a nervous impression. Now, the easiest way to learn to commit to your stories and jokes is by changing your mindset when you're nervous, especially in social situations, don't worry about being cool. Make your focus to have fun and create a fun atmosphere and people will love being around you. This is made way easier once you cultivate the ability to find humor in your embarrassment. This is the final piece that allows Tom to be so charming even when he's nervous. For example, watch as he tries to describe why he loves the waltz scene in Crimson.

The waltz where you danced with your partner face to face, chest to chest. You could, you know, smell each other's breasts, breath. Sorry.

Oh, a whole bunch of people just got very happy in the audience. Most people's public speaking nightmare is to misspeak in front of a large crowd and get laughed at and called out immediately. But you can see Tom has a big smile on his face. Here's another quick example for context. He's talking about shooting the movie Skull Island. First, notice again how he uses the mid sentence pause to introduce the story.

It's the great Jordan Vert Roberts, who directed it, really was insistent that we go to places on earth which are both beautiful and dangerous.

Now watch as Tom gets teased for his first dangerous location.

So we went to Oahu in Hawaii.

Dangerous.

Scary. I'm terrified. Tom. Yes, it's very windy.

I'm sure you know someone who would get defensive after basically being called a a wuss in front of 3 million viewers. But unless the joke is genuinely offensive, you're much better off laughing and playing along. This ability to laugh when other people would get defensive is basically a charisma superpower. The people around you will be impressed with your confidence, but beyond that, you'll find yourself much more excited to go into social situations knowing no matter what, you're going to have a great time. And when you don't fear messing up or being playfully teased, a lot of your nervousness will naturally go away. A lot of the tips from this video, like anchoring a positive first impression and using a cliffhanger pause, these are things you can start doing right away. Having the confidence to enjoy your most embarrassing moments. That's something that may take a little bit more time to build. If you want to go deeper and learn some specific exercises you can use to become more confident, you may like our program Charisma University. It's a step by step program that takes just 30 minutes a day and comes with a daily action guide so you know exactly what to do each day and to become more confident and charismatic as quickly as you can. You can read all about it in the link below, but I figure the best way to learn about it is to see what past members have said about it. So here are just a few of the things that people have written in this first one is from a guy who joined after a breakup. He says, thank you so much for Charisma University. I thought that after completing this course I'd become a smooth talker and be able to take over a room. What I didn't realize is I get that and feel so confident in myself I I feel liberated. Thank you for creating this course. This next one is from a woman who works as a clinical psychologist. She says, I absolutely love the content and I am happy to pay for the modules. I'm a clinical psychologist looking for material that could help my clients who have social anxiety. Charlie's material is exactly what I was looking for. So excited to be a member of Charisma University. And this last one comes from a guy who got promoted to a senior position early in his career. He says, I don't even have a bachelor diploma in yet. They want me to fill this position. And when asked why this was the answer. You have great social skills, which is rare for an engineer. You can think quick on your feet and you are open and self assured in your demeanor. Thank you so much for all that you have taught me. You have truly changed my life because without CU I wouldn't have qualified for that position in a million lifetimes. You'll see more success stories like these in the comments if you decide to join the course. If you do join, it comes with a 60 day money back guarantee which is 100% for any reason at all. We make it 60 days even though the course is only 30 days because we want to make sure that you truly feel like you've gotten massive value from the course. If you want to learn more, click the link on screen now or below in the description. We've had thousands of people join so far and get a ton out of it and I'd love for you to do the same. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.