How To Make A Disrespectful Person Look Insecure For Insulting You

You're going to come across some conversational bullies in the course of your life. Now, generally, people try to shut them down with insults and aggression, and some others prefer to walk away from these interactions to avoid that kind of negativity.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Yeah, you're right. Thank you.

But there is a third, potentially more effective way to deal with these toxic people. Russell Brand, for instance, tries to take control of the conversation instead of shutting it down. This allows him to stand up for himself without coming across like a jerk. And his interview with three hosts of the MSNBC morning show is a perfect examp of the main strategies that you can use to dominate any bully in any conversation. So let's begin by quickly covering the best practices for any group interaction. Then we'll come to what to do when things go sour. One general rule of thumb is that you want to make sure you don't leap into conversation only to be cut off. Otherwise, people will subconsciously believe that your opinions aren't worthy of being heard and you can actually get pushed around more. So when you begin talking, it's usually best to continue to the end of your sentence like this.

I wouldn't do that. I don't want to disrespect your program.

Okay.

No, no. You did ask to speak to my.

Fellow Englishwoman, so I'm obliged.

You don't have to dominate the conversation or refuse to be interrupted during long monologues, but you do need to speak with enough momentum to at least finish each sentence before yielding the floor to someone trying to interrupt you. This is going to lead to people being far more likely to listen when you share your opinions. And you can contrast the feeling that you get from watching Russell do this.

Okay, Russell.

Oh, sorry about that. That's all I realized.

It's just disrespected the table Giant Jenga.

It's like your desk is a puzzle.

It is. I'm sorry about that.

With a young Jaden Smith who does not.

That'll get you really humble.

How does that keep you humble?

It's not that Jaden's thoughts don't have any merit. It's that he hadn't yet learned to speak with enough conviction to be taken seriously. By at least finishing your sentences, you encourage others to respect you more. Now, the next principle that is extremely valuable in any group setting is to treat each member of a an individual. Obviously, a concrete way to do this is by referring to each person by their name.

Brian, you are free to wear whatever you want. Best you Focus on your driving, Brian. Thank you very much, Kat.

I admit this can feel awkward at first if you're not used to it, but it actually has a very positive effect on the person who is hearing their favorite word in the English language. But even if you don't know people's names, you can show that you value each individual by taking time to look at each person while you speak. Especially if someone is quiet or shy, taking those three seconds to make eye contact with them while you speak goes a long way towards making them feel included. In fact, if you're finding that you lose groups attention when telling a story or a joke, this is one of the quickest fixes. Give each individual a few seconds of your focused attention to keep them hooked. Now, lastly, we like people who are like us and who like us back. So when you're in a group it always helps to emphasize similarities with other members.

No, I did.

And I like fellow Englishwoman. Obliged.

And to give genuine compliments.

You also look beautiful, of course, in your wonderful country and in our country, you're a powerful woman. You've got a lovely job. What seems to be the trouble you've seen?

Russell did everything I mentioned, but sometimes conversations turn hostile despite your best efforts. So I want to show you how to disarm people who become aggressive in a way that is both subtle and charismatic way before you actually have to get direct with them. The first thing to realize here is that perhaps the most powerful tools that you have to influence the tone of a conversation are your nonverbal signals. Now, these can be grouped roughly into more signals and less signals. When you show these more signals, you'll get more of whatever you're responding to. Show less signals and you will get less. For example, watch how Russell gets Mika to switch from being rude and passive aggressive.

He's a really big deal. I know. I'm told this. I'm not very pop cultured. I'm sorry.

To complimenting him in an effort to win him over.

You look fantastic.

That is a very kind compliment.

First, we have that calm stare in the eye with neither malice nor a smile. This is going to make anyone who is being rude feel uncomfortable doing so. It's like they're being watched. Second, not paying attention to that person will also make them change their tact. You see Russell's attention wander and it immediately makes the host feel that they need to do more to be kind in order to win him back. And third, the prolonged silence. This is one of the most powerful nonverbal tools at your disposal. When people are unkind, you may feel an impulse to quickly speak or to smile so as to diffuse the situation or cut that uncomfortable tension. But Russell doesn't. He waits until Micah compliments him and then speaks up quickly.

Maybe I could loosen up a little, show a little more chest hair. And he said, maybe I should.

I only think Russell can do that. You look fantastic.

That is a very kind compliment.

Now that she's gone through that bit of rudeness and has returned to being kind, he gives strong more signals. This is going to work in a one, two punch where he says, don't do this, but do this and see if you can spot these more signals.

You also look beautiful. Brian, you are free to wear whatever you want. This is one of your freedoms that is afforded to you.

I appreciate that.

First, Russell verbally applauds what Micah says. Now, calling out any sort of behavior that you appreciate is going to elicit more of it. Then he returns her compliment and finally he becomes playful and smiles. Now, of course, all of this is on top of the fact that he's engaging in a much more enthusiastic way. This dispels that tension that was mounting and strongly associates it with a more polite way of behaving. People do not like tension in conversations, so don't get rid of it while they're being mean. Wait till they are kind. All of this is a strong more behavior signal that adds up to a nonverbal statement about what kind of behavior he expects throughout this conversation. Now he continues to send these signals, paying much more attention to Micah, who is being more courteous than to the other host, Brian, who is continuing to be rude. In fact, Brian starts to make a comment that he later finishes about how he can't understand Russell's accent. And suspecting that that guy is headed in a bad, Russell flat out ignores him. This is a great strategy.

It's funny though, because I travel a.

Lot and so these people are at work, are they?

Yeah, they're working.

They're just at work.

Well, no, work more quietly.

This effectively makes Brian's next question much more courteous. And we see Russell respond positively.

Everyone asks, what do you like better? Tv, movies or stand up? Which actually, which one's more difficult? I mean, going on stage I think is probably pretty tough. Movie can be boring because you shoot a thing a hundred times. TV is what it is.

There are challenges in all of those different disciplines. The thing I enjoy most is stand up comedy.

You can do the same thing in group conversations. If someone is being insulting, passive aggressive, rude, pay Attention to other members of the group. Turn so that your body faces those people. Smile. Be warm, engaging, even loud with them. It shouldn't take very long before that rude person says something more kind, at which point you can shift attention their way. Now, one final indirect option is to do a those types call out. Now, this is where you speak about a type of behavior that you don't like. Perhaps a type of behavior that someone in that group is currently doing, but you allow that individual to save face by not calling them out directly. Instead, it's about those types of people. Do this with a smile to remind the person that you're still on the same team. They don't have to be the type of person you're describing and you're not yet saying saying they are. Watch how Russell does this in his answer.

You know what happens if you work in media. People like to change the information so that it suits a particular agenda. If you're in a room with people, then what you're saying is clear. If you say something that people are confused about, you can explain it to them. Then if you say something as a joke, people can't pretend that you're saying it seriously. So I like having direct communication with people because I believe people are very, very intelligent. The information gets manipulated a lot. And people like to cause like, you know, fake stirs and stuff.

The those type strategy is a sneaky way to influence the tone of any sort of conversation. Imagine being at a networking event and complimenting one group on their enthusiasm, talking about those other types who are a little bit dull and boring. You can bet that that group's energy will rise to meet that stellar reputation you've given them and not be like those other people. Now, unfortunately, these signals do go unheeded in Russell's case, as they rarely but sometimes do in real life. The hosts continue to be rude. Brian abruptly says that he can't understand Russell's accent.

The accent, you know, when I see him in person, it's totally fine. Forgetting Sarah Marshall or the TV show, it's fine. But on satellite radio in the car, I can't understand a single joke.

You said you can't understand it.

Another host forgets his name.

Would you do therapy with Willy Brandt?

With who? Willie Brand. Would you do therapy with him? That is where Willie is heading.

Who is Willie?

And they all start speaking about Russell in the third person like he's not present.

It's experience. It's just sort of taking it all in.

You are talking about me as if I'm not here. And as if I'm an extraterrestrial, you know, I'm from a country that's near to you, dummy.

We're just sort of admiring the whole.

You know, it's the whole thing.

After nonverbal and then the indirect, those type warnings. Sometimes you have to go direct and flat out say what behavior you would like to see done differently.

You shouldn't say he when a person is present. You should refer to the person by their name. That's basic good manners.

That is where Willy is heading.

Stop saying he. I'm present. Russell, what's wrong with your manners? You're good being polite now.

A lot of people mess this up and just make things get even more hostile. The key here is to criticize specific behavior, not the people doing it. When you say that someone is a jerk, it's likely to make them defensive and doesn't specify how you would like them to change. When you say instead, don't call me by that name or don't speak to me in such a loud tone, you'll be much more likely to get what you want. Now, admittedly, what Russell does here is hard. Staying calm enough to keep steady eye contact, not getting riled up when people take an antagonizing tone. Maintaining that sense of humor through all of this, most of us would probably just sweat and either underreact or overreact. So I want to share just one last mindset that takes a while to develop but will help a ton of you need to learn to detach your ego from personal attacks. Watch how Brand is able to take a personal criticism, namely that he isn't qualified to speak on a particular topic and brush it off as disconnected from the points that he's making.

I'm not having a go at you about that.

I'm just asking you, why would you.

Take you seriously when you're so unspecific? You don't have to take well, firstly, I don't mind if you take me seriously. I'm here just to draw attention to a few ideas.

And here, look how Brand is able to see that something is offensive without necessarily feeling personally offended or getting defensive about it.

I want to bring you a sign.

First of all, this says fag Pimp Brand.

Absolutely, absolutely.

Make yourself comfy, mate. Now, this, of course, is clearly offensive as an object.

Unlike most of us, Russell doesn't feel the need to immediately defend himself from personal attacks because he isn't heavily invested in what most people think of him. He wastes no mental energy on protecting his ego, which allows him to be wittier in the face of criticism. Paradoxically, not defending himself actually makes him come across better than if he did.

That's not a very flattering photograph. The face you made, you made the face I made, the face I pays the price. Fair enough, that's true.

Now I'll actually be talking about all the different tools that you can use for humor, including how to develop more of the speedy wit in a future video, which is going to continue to break this clip down. Yes, there is a ton happening in seven minutes, but that will likely be out next month since we have some big videos planned in the meantime. Keanu Reeves, Tom Holland, potentially Andrew Yang. So if you want to make sure that you don't miss on that video or any of the other ones that I've just mentioned, make sure to hit subscribe and to turn on notifications now. That way you're going to get a message when those come up and it won't be something that you never hear of again anyway. One of the things that will allow you to begin to detach your ego from any sort of particular attack is a deeper sense of self acceptance. If you feel comfortable with yourself, with who you are at a base level, what other people think or say is much less likely to phase you and rile you up. When you have solid self acceptance, all of your self worth doesn't come from being praised or well liked. It comes from a belief that you are enough, no matter the opinions of others. Now this is quite frankly a long journey, one that takes time to integrate. But if you would like to get started today, I have created a guided meditation that is focused on developing that deep sense of self acceptance and you can get it today for free courtesy of this video's sponsor, Simple Habit. Simple Habit is a meditation app that has a ton of different guided meditations that help train your brain more towards the emotions that you want. Now I have had ones that have been very impactful for me, specifically with gratitude, joy, positivity, since those things can be hard for me from time to time. I tend to be very achievement oriented, always focusing on what needs to be done and not enjoying the moment. I also actually spent a lot of time on my own doing self guided meditations without any sort of track because I couldn't find one that was both vast and powerful. So I decided to make one that was what I would have wanted and I put it on the Simple Habit app. So if you join simple habit@simplehabit.com confidence on your phone, you can listen to that guided meditation that I designed specifically for self acceptance and you can also get another one that I created that is about stressful social situations. You listen to it before you go out and it primes you to be at your best. Not only that, you get access to every single meditation that they have for a full week and if you do decide to check it out I would definitely recommend seven days of joy. Now if you like the app and you decide to stay past that first week it is $11.99 a month very well spent for unlimited access every guided meditation they have and if it's not for you you can just cancel and lose nothing. So if you'd like to check out the guided meditation that I create or any of the others, there's nothing to lose. You can check that acceptance meditation out@simplehabit.com confidence on your phone since it is an app. Either way, I hope that you have enjoyed this video and I very much look forward to seeing you in the next one.