How To Overcome The Feeling Of Never Being Good Enough

So I think that this is going to be the most profound video I've ever put on YouTube. And I'm not exaggerating with that. It's also the most personal because for the insights that I'm sharing, there's no way for me to communicate them to you without letting you know what's been going on in my life for these last couple of weeks. So if this is rambling, I apologize. I'm putting my thoughts together on this still, but it is incredibly important, and that's why I wanted to share it with you. So here's the personal part. About two weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half. And if you've ever been in a relationship with someone for that long or longer, you know, and you've broken up, it is. It is not a fun feeling. So the reason that it occurred was not because we didn't love each other, because we didn't like each other. The reason that it occurred is because our values for what we wanted in a relationship long term were just not in line. And there came to be this moment of realization and acceptance that she wasn't changing and I wasn't changing. And for the both of us, the best thing that we could do was separate. Not because we wanted to, but because it was the right thing to do. So it started off completely fine, like we were both logical, rational. I started packing her things. She lived in this house with this studio in my bedroom, and started packing her things, started putting them in the car. And by the time we get all the things and put the stuff into the car and the last thing is in there, she is bawling. And I see her like this and I'm. I'm numb, right? I can't even believe this is happening. It's. We've been talking about it because we think it's the right thing, but in that moment, I'm just, like, freaked out. I want to show her that I care, but I don't want to fabricate, manufacture these tears. So I feel guilty about the fact that I'm not crying. And I eventually send her off. I give her a hug and a kiss, and I tell her that I love her. But she drives off for another apartment and I come back inside. And that numbness stays with me for a couple of hours until that night. And that's when the numbness shifted into loneliness and sadness and I believe bawled my eyes out, right? I held a voice recorder up. I talked my feelings out into my phone, which I need to Delete if that's on the icloud. Don't need that getting out there. But I just balled into this phone for probably 10 minutes, said everything that I felt, everything that I regretted. I typed it out. I felt miserable. But even at the end, I felt better, a little bit relieved. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt even though, that I knew that I did the right thing. I felt incredibly lonely because this was a bedroom that I'd shared with her. So what happens after that is a couple days go by. I still have this feeling. I'm with my friends. They're trying. They're amazing, right? Taking me to escape rooms, all the things they know I like, trying to keep me busy. But in between these events, this feeling comes back and I'm thinking of her. And I eventually go to her Facebook, which is the dumbest thing that you can ever do if you've had a breakup. Do not do this. I go to her Facebook, and before I can even scroll down, I don't know why I reflexively did this, I saw a picture of her that I hadn't seen before. That was of her in a dress with a group of people near a club. And I booked it off that page. But not before my adrenaline shot through the roof. My blood pressure started pounding. I felt my heart beat. I felt myself get angry and jealous, and my head just started to go into these crazy spirals of, you know, I can't believe that so soon after she would go out. I was angry at her. I felt silly that I had wanted to be upset on her behalf. Here I am a night and a half ago, or even the previous night, crying in my bedroom. Maybe she'd gone out that night. I didn't know when this was taken. I start wondering if there was a guy there from her past, or maybe she met someone at a club, she kissed him drunk. How that would be like, low standards and this guy couldn't compare, blah, blah, blah. So now I'm comparing myself to this person and imagining how I'm going to go become better in every way that matters to me. Meaning I'm gonna go work on my business. I'm gonna try to get more talented with music. I'm gonna try to be a better friend. I'm going to travel more, become more worldly. I'm comparing myself to this person who doesn't even exist. An imaginary guy that she might have seen and kissed at a club. I'm in a death fight with in my head. And five minutes later, I realized, what am I doing? But I can't snap this streak for the rest of the day. And the next couple days, I feel divided. Every time that I'm with my friends, I'm wondering, what is she doing now? And I don't know if you've ever felt this, but it tends to happen with a friend, a family member, someone close. When there's a falling out, sometimes you wish that they're not having a good time, right? Or even people that you don't know well, that maybe you're jealous of. You start wondering what they're being. I'm have him sit me in a chair, knock me out, and make me feel amazing. So I've never done it, but that's kind of what I'm looking to sign up for. This guy in town, drive in, get to the office, and I see he's got. He's got the plush black chair, and he's got the desk with the chair there. And I'm ready to go sit into this giant black chair and just be put to sleep and made to feel like a million bucks at the end of it. And he kind of goes, that's not how it works. I'm not gonna really do too much hypnosis today. Just sit down in this chair next to the desk and tell me what's going on. So I start to tell him, and I get to the story about Facebook, about how I saw her and my blood pressure rise, and it just felt terrible. There are these triggers for me. And he says, you know, something similar happened to me. There was a girl, hadn't been dating as long as you guys had, but there was a real connection there, and it didn't work out. For whatever reason, I wanted to date her. She didn't feel the same way. A few days later or weeks later, she. I see on her Facebook that she is in Hawaii, and she posts this photo, and it's with her and this tanned, huge, handsome, stunning set of pearly white teeth guy on this beautiful island in Hawaii with the sun setting in the back. And she's wrapped around him with the biggest smile I'd ever seen on her face. And I'm sitting there, I'm like, man, that's. I know that's rough. I hope you're okay. And he goes, yeah, yeah. All I could think about in that moment was how grateful I was to that guy for making her smile so big. And that, for me, was a complete plot twist. I could not have seen that coming for a million miles. Because when I got sad I went to myself, how does this affect me? And what he taught me that I want to start to teach you guys, that has been perhaps the most pivotal shift is how to get to that point of sharing in the happiness of other people, even when you don't necessarily feel it. Because in that moment, what he made me realize is that even though I did love my girlfriend, I had a very limiting concept of what love was. First off, if you look back at my story, love meant to me that you need to be able to negatively impact the person, right? So when I saw her cry as we drove off, I went, there you go, proof that she loves me. And I felt guilty because I wasn't crying in that moment. I went, oh man, she might not know that I feel that way about her. So when I did finally cry at night, I was like, crap, I want her to see this. I want her to know that I care. Now that's all nice, and that's how we oftentimes perceive love. But guess what? A part of your definition of love is that you need to be able to make someone feel terrible. You will have to make them feel terrible at times to feel love. Another part of my definition was that I want to make her happy. If I love her, I will make her happy. Now that's nice. And it made me do a ton of nice things for her, right? It made me be a better person because I wanted to spread that to her. But it also made me very self centered in where her happiness came from. It wasn't that she should be able to go out with anybody and her friends the day after. And I was happy for her that she was happy. I was jealous and upset that shortly after our breakup, she'd gone out and been happy with other people. By the way, I. I later find out that photo was taken weeks prior when we were still dating. And this entire episode in my head was completely manufactured. But the point stands that I couldn't feel happy for her because my definition of love was that I needed to be the one that made her happy. And of course, the third piece of my definition was that love means you need the other person. And if she was out there not needing me, or if I was getting over her quickly, that meant that we didn't truly love each other. So I was stuck in this negative spiral to prove to myself and trying to get out of her that she loved me. And the only way that we could demonstrate that to one another was by continuing to stay hurt. That's a really screwy definition. And it will guarantee pain in your life if you want love, which we all do. A much better definition, and the one that I have been trying to go for, and I will teach you guys how to implement into your own life, is that love means truly wanting the happiness of someone else, no matter what. So the definition that I'm driving for would have had me see that photo of her with that smile on her face and went, thank God she's not sitting at home crying about this. I'm so happy and grateful to whoever it is in her life, whether it's family, a friend or someone else that she met, that they're making her feel that way. Because I care about her and I love her and for myself, right? If I expected her to love me, I would know, you know what? She doesn't want me to sit in my room and cry and do a voice recorder. She would want me to be happy. And I want that for myself too. So rather than do that, I'm not going to have this predetermined grieving period. I'm going to try to feel good immediately. That doesn't diminish how I felt about her and how important she was to me. That is just what love should look like. And this shift though, and it sounds nice, and I go, you know what? If I really love her, I should feel that way. But then I'd imagine thinking of her out with another guy and that was not how I felt. Immediately that trigger came back and I would be jealous. So I said, how do I actually get here? And this is the crux, I hope now, of this video, now that you kind of understand where I'm coming from, which is how do you feel that genuine feeling of love for someone else? Well, it starts with the fact that in order to do that, you need to feel loved first. This is a human trait. Babies, if they don't get touched, will literally die. Humans thrive on the affection and the love of other people. If we don't get it, our lives go out of whack. Everything starts to break down, our health breaks down, we start being mean to other people, we stop achieving our goals. We need to feel that. And so the metaphor that I think of is that our well being is kind of like a tabletop. And as long as it's supported with legs, it's fine. So what we spend a lot of our time doing in our lives are getting okay. I've got my friends supporting me, making me feel loved. I've got my family who makes me feel loved. I've got my Girlfriend who makes me feel loved. And everyone has different ones. Think now who are your legs that provide that love, that sense of well being that you have? The problem is that these legs are inherently unique, unstable, because life happens. I mean, take this one for instance, right? I've got my friends, my family and my girlfriend and we break up and my well being just goes to crap. It's awful. I'm no longer not only feeling good, but I'm certainly not being very fun for the people around me. And I'm bitter, right? I'm not very nice. I'm not very concerned with how things are going for other people. So what do most people do in a breakup when their table's been knocked off? Well, they spend more time with friends and they spend more time with family and, and then they go, they get another girlfriend. Boom. After a month or whatever period of time, they're completely back to their old self because they've built another leg there or they've strengthened some of the other legs. All good, wonderful and great. But that doesn't solve the problem that this table is so wobbly because the legs underneath it are not for sure. The truth of life is people can die. People will leave. Even my friends, who I have complete confidence will be friends with me for a long time, are going on a vacation for two months to the other side of the planet that I don't want to participate in. So that leg for me is going to be shaky. What we try to do and what I tried to do was to reinforce these legs, right? So we go, I need this. Well being here. How can I lock these in? We try to build braces around the legs and that brace can look like a couple of things. For some people it looks like threatening. They say if you leave me, I'll hurt myself. And that way they'd be certain that, that that person will never leave them. I had a bit more healthy way to do that, which is I would try to make myself very important to that person. And it had a lot of self improvement and self development. That's kind of how this channel got started. A lot of situations in my life, particularly with girls that didn't work out, I would go back and say, how can I avoid this? What I'll do is I'll work on myself. I'll make myself more critically important. I'll make myself better at making people happy and that will ensure that the people who are most important to me stay in my life. But like I said, the truth is my friends are going on vacation. Doesn't matter how important I am to them, they want to do that. So I'm not going to have them. And that's when these braces become negative. Take my friends, they're going on vacation rather than being just happy for them because they're going to spend two months in Asia. It's going to be amazing. When we talk about it, I find myself going, you don't want to go to that city. It's going to be no fun. You know, probably skip that one too. You probably just want to come back two weeks earlier because you're not even going to like it, right? I'm not so concerned with with if they're going to have an amazing time. I'm concerned with how it affects me. Take my girlfriend, my ex girlfriend rather. Right over here, this leg. I was so concerned with myself being the happiness that was my brace that if other people did it right, if she went out with a different guy who was maybe single and had a great time with him, that would threaten me and that would make me feel crappy. And that's why that Facebook photo affected me so dearly. So what you have to realize is that every single leg in your life, insofar as it comes from someone else, is unstable and you will be insecure for the rest of your life. No matter how good your friends, family and loved ones are, if you do that, you will constantly be seeking security. There's only one solution and that is to build yourself not just a wooden leg, but a marble pillar coming up from the ground through your well being table that is supported by you and that is called self love. Now, my concept of self love prior to this, I thought that I completely understood it. I was like, I like myself. I'm proud of myself. I've done a lot of things that make me feel really good about me. I've got self love handled. And the truth is that couldn't have less to do with self love. In any sort of universe, self love has nothing to do with what you've achieved, has nothing to do with goals. It is completely unconditional. Just as your love truly for another person should be unconditional no matter what, with me or without me. Self love for yourself means I love and I accept me regardless of what I've achieved. Even if I'm a complete success by my own standards, that has nothing to do with my self love. My self love on my worst days, on my best days, needs to be the same. And if you can build that pillar of self love, it doesn't matter what happens to all those wooden legs. Your friends can go on a vacation in case of mine, and you can still feel supported, which means that you can be nice and happy for them. You can have a breakup, your girlfriend can leave. But as long as you have that central pillar, you will ultimately not get stuck in this thought process of comparing yourself, or am I better than her new boyfriend? Or whatever. You'll just feel good and you can feel happy for her. One of the most amazing things that I've realized is that this enables you to tap into the happiness of everyone around you instead of being concerned with what you lack. So I want to try to teach you now the exercises that help you do this. And I realize this has gone long. I've got to keep going to plow through it, because this is the action step. So first thing is that every emotion that you have is a habit. Same way that you learned to play the piano, for instance. You play a chord first time that really clumsy. Ten times, 100 times, a thousand times. Each time you play it, you're blazing a neural pathway in your head. And with repetition, that gets stronger. It gets easier to fire, so you play it more clearly every single time. Same. The same thing is true for everything we learn, including emotions. We all have habits with emotions, and you should try to identify yours. Because for me, in this relationship, I could go to guilt easy, right? That became something that if I saw a glance from her, I'd go, crap, I feel guilty. You need to figure out what yours are. Maybe you get angry very easily. Maybe you get sad. Maybe you're a person who gets joyful or happy at the slightest thing. The point is, your emotions are habits, and you can retrain them with, with practice. But you need to identify the bad ones first. So for me, it was this spiral of comparison, right? I'd wonder if I was better or could prove myself beyond some imaginary guy that my ex girlfriend might see. So this was the habit that I needed to first cut off. I need to interrupt it. So whenever I was out, say for instance, I'm in the gym, I see a guy I know that was her type. I go, I hope they never meet. I gotta be better than that guy. Yada, yada, yada. Boom. Cut it out. Notice it. Stop it. Easiest way to stop it is something called an eye scramble. And this is what the guy taught me in the hypnotherapy thing. It goes like this. You can hum a song. And he gave me Happy birthday. And when you feel that emotion, the first thing that you do is you just go like this. Looks ridiculous, feels ridiculous. But what it does is if you know your brain is divided into two parts. There's people who say that I'm not sure about this, that your eye, depending on where it goes, accesses different parts of your brain. So you're quickly just cycling through all the things in your brain. You are basically etch a sketching what was going on. You do this a couple of times and you'll come pretty much to a neutral state. As long as you're just imagining something negative now you're neutral. So you interrupt the pattern. That's step one with an eye scramble. Step two is now that you're neutral, you need to feed yourself what you really need. And I promise you, whether you're feeling jealous, insecure, angry, less than whatever it is, the feeling that you're craving, it might feel like you need to feel respected, it might feel like you need to feel important. The underlying feeling that you need beyond all of that is love. And I'm telling you, you can give yourself those intermediaries. The respect, the importance, the significance, the one that is going to fill you up is love. So give it to yourself, make it a choice. And again, simple way to do this. There's tons of exercises. I could talk about them in other videos. For now, I'm just going to keep it very simple. You can go to a mirror or imagine yourself standing in front of a mirror in your head and say out loud or in your imagination looking at yourself even though you're feeling jealous of that guy, or even though you're running laps in your head, or even though you miss your ex, or even though your friends are gone. I love and accept you exactly as you are. Even though ex, I love and accept you exactly as you are. You do it a bunch of times and you'll start to smile because it's goofy. One, because you're talking to yourself. But two, you, you will start to generate that feeling. That's a good sign. Once you've broken that, you're starting to feel good. That's the second step. You need to feed yourself that self love. The third step, and this is the part that locks it in, that is the hardest part. If you remember, you cannot feel love for other people in an unconditional way unless you first feel full up yourself. So the way to test if you're full up yourself is to try to extend that to the person that you least want to extend it to. And what I mean by that is that I would go okay, just fed myself. I interrupted. I fed myself the self love. Can I feel genuinely happy for my ex no matter where she is? Can I imagine my ex on a date and hope and mean it that the guy that she perhaps is on a date with is awesome and makes her happy and is great in a lot of ways? And can I imagine him being there and be happy for him that he is spending time with someone who I think is so great? And when you can get to that point, which might sound ludicrous and sounded crazy to me when I first walked into this guy's office, when you can get there in the moment you are free, you come back down to being present. You don't have to worry about what everyone else is doing all the time. All of a sudden, rather than comparing where you are, you get to just look around you and see all the happiness in the world and you get to partake in it. I had never, in a completely unselfless way, just looked at someone else and been happy for their happiness. I always wanted people to feel happy, but I wanted to have contributed to what made them happy. So it wasn't like I was running around being a completely jerk of a person. But I was not going, oh, you know what? That guy did something on his own. That's amazing. But for the first time in my Life, I see LeBron James win, for instance, the NBA Finals in Cleveland, and I feel a swell of like, that is amazing. That was that guy's dream. And it can fill you up and you can get that from every person in the world. You don't have to be concerned with what you're lacking. All of a sudden, all the happiness in the world becomes yours to tap into. So that is the basics of what I've learned this week. I will definitely be talking about this more. I hope those steps are clear because they are the important pieces. Interrupt the pattern. It's a habit. You need to get in there, cut it off. Second, once you've interrupted the pattern, you need to feed yourself self love. Like I said, lots of exercises here. I'm happy to touch on more if you guys want. And then third, extend that, make sure that your cup is overflowing. This is the second analogy. We've got the table, the cup. You need to fill your love cup to the point where it is overflowing. And then you can start to distribute it to other people. It's kind of like the oxygen mask, right? You need to take care of yourself and your self love first before you can really extend it to other people in a meaningful way. You do those three, you will develop happier habits that make you less insecure, less jealous, and a more joyous person. It is the most profound thing that I have come across in at least the last year, and I hope that you guys have found it helpful. If you want more on this, subscribe to the channel. There will definitely be more of this, of course. More Game of Thrones and breakdowns and all that stuff. I'm not gonna stop, but I do think that this is gonna have a lot more. If you have any questions related to this. I've never taught this before. Everything else on this channel, I've been studying for 10 years. This is the first time I started this two weeks ago that I stood in front of the camera and tried to share. So if I went over anything too quickly, if I rambled on things that aren't important, there's a piece you'd like to know. Please let me know in the comments. I will definitely be doing more videos on this, and I want to answer your questions. And then of course, to my ex, who I'm sure will watch this video eventually because she's been incredibly supportive of the channel pretty much since the beginning. I love you. I really hope that you're happy and. And I love you. So that's all.