How To Stop Chasing Things That Make You Miserable

When you're trying to change your life, it's likely that your beliefs are the biggest obstacle that you face. You can change your habits, you change your behaviors, but no matter what, it can be like there's an autopilot pulling you in the opposite direction. Now, this was actually a question that came up on our podcast from someone who didn't want to be chasing money and prestige, but found themselves pulled towards those things even though they weren't making them happy. And I thought that the answer might be useful to you here. Now, this is actually a clip from the podcast, as I mentioned, and if you enjoy these on the main channel, you can let me know. And if you don't let me know in the comments as well. Either way, you can. Here you go.

So Ashley asks, how does one overcome cognitive dissonance and value systems?

Ayahuasca.

Well, continue. Sorry if you value something such as prestige, money, etc. But you know you shouldn't, how do you change that?

This is hard. And this is. This is such a good question. I don't. Maybe you realize for those who haven't asked this question, this is one of the most important questions you can ask when. Which is how do I stop valuing the things that make me unhappy? Because that's it, right? If you could orient yourself towards the things that you have, statistical experiential data will actually improve the quality of your life and your joy and your happiness. It's easy. The problem is we still want to be famous and beautiful and well liked and have a ton of Instagram followers. So how do you do this? I have had some success, but not complete with this. And I'll show you the things that have that have helped. One is to treat it like an addiction in that alcoholics don't hang out in bars if they're smart, and people who seek validation don't hang out on Instagram if they're smart, they don't go to the places and they don't hang out in the environments that trigger. And what I can say is, you know, having gotten off of this stuff.

And validation would count. I would count prestige in there. Which is your question. I like prestige.

Yes.

Prestige is about the perception of other people. Siege is not really about your accomplishments.

Oh, no.

If you continue to accomplish great things in your career and in your philanthropic efforts, but you just don't brag about them on social media, you're now just doing good stuff. You're no longer trying to chase the prestige.

So what I've seen, and then this is True of addiction as well. There's a massive difference between zero and one. Like zero drinks and one drink are not the same thing. And so five minutes a day of Instagram and zero minutes of a day of Instagram are very, very different in terms of how your brain gets wired. So I would advise to find the things that trigger these values that you'd like to shift whatever they are, whether they're people, whether it's a place, an app, a job that you may have and cut it to zero.

What if it's friends? What if you have a friend group that's very prestige hungry and it's constantly asking you how much you make? Oh, did you get the promotion? Or what firm did you work at? Oh, you got that firm. That's crazy. That's so good.

Yeah.

What do you do now? Because they're your friends.

So I have. Well, I think you might have an answer.

No, I don't.

So what we did, I was really lucky. One person makes all the difference. Human beings need social validation to feel like they're not schizophrenic.

Yeah. They're not insane.

So having been when I started my business, while everyone else told me I was crazy and I wasn't gonna do it and this is a waste of my time, I felt not crazy at.

All because we had each other, got together. No, you guys are the craziest.

You're the craziest.

You don't get it. Because I have a ton of friends. I still do have super high paying, prestigious jobs in. In finance on Wall Street. And they were all like, you're gonna leave to go to Brazil to start a business that does what? But I got to go to you. I got to go. These people don't get it. But if I was by myself, I think it would have been a lot of pressure that would have eventually.

So seek out and find at least one individual. And in order to do that, you have to speak up. So I had to give all these books that I liked to all of my friends and saw who took to them and they didn't all. And Ben had to get the four hour workbook.

100% of people.

Ben had to give the four hour work week to a bunch of people and they didn't care. Luckily, we were best friends and we both happened to seize upon this book that put us down a different path. So that was one. If you can get just one person and then, man, make that your home base and build from there, it will grow.

Then you'll be wearing on your Sleeve whatever you do. So you're trying not to care about prestige, but you will care about something. Right. Maybe it's helping people and not posting about it.

Yeah.

You will find a place to volunteer and the people there will be volunteers and some of them will be doing it for the Instagram likes and you'll avoid those people, but you'll meet other genuine by doing what you actually want to be doing. You'll meet other people that have those values.

Yeah. And then so that's the one that has really worked the best. When I look at the things in my life that are the most stubborn changes, it's that other things are these massive intervention experiences. So I don't just mean ayahuasca, which we talked about, but I also mean I've gone to personal development program weekend things where they get you for 40 hours over the course of the weekend and they beat you down and you break at some point and something shifts inside of you. Doesn't make all the change. But those have been valuable. I know that some people say that about Landmark.

I would recommend books actually. I was as prestige hungry as you get. So I was a nerdy kid growing up, wasn't good looking or good at sports. So I just went, okay, well what's going to get me any sort of pat on the back is great. Suddenly I wanted to go to whatever was the best school I could get into. It's all I cared about. Right. I wanted to go to California so bad, but I ended up going to Philadelphia. Like that's a ridiculous decision.

Yeah.

And then I did not want to go to investment banking when I was a sophomore. I ended up in investment banking because it's what all my fraternity brothers were patting each other on the back for. And so what firm did I go to? I went to the most prestigious one.

Yeah.

I was very prestige hungry and I read a book and it completely changed my paradigm. So I think reading, reading alternative paradigms, reading things written by people who don't have the values that you want to avoid, that can actually be some of the most life changing stuff.

Yeah.

Because weirdly enough, I was that to a T until I was 22. You know what I mean? Couldn't find someone more prestige hungry. I didn't want the money, I just wanted the validation and the pats on the back.

Sure. And the last thing that I'll say, and this one has worked. This works for the ones that aren't the deepest in you but are like mid level things that are stuck in you is a video we have called how to stop self sabotage, I believe. And it has an exercise in there where you go and you do free association to pull out whatever associations you have to prestige or to money. And what you'll realize is some of the roots of these. Not every time, but you can get in there. And that helped me with actually limitations around earning money. I put the brakes on our business for a long time because I thought that earning more money would make me unhappy, because I lived in New York City and I was seeing all of these rich, unhappy people. And it was only when I did this exercise that's in how to stop self sabotage that I saw that and went, oh my gosh, this doesn't line up. And I could start to unravel that. So that long answer. But these are a handful of places to start.

It's tough, though. It's a great question.

It's the question. It's the question.

I've kept my worst one.

I think most people have. So you're safe in good company.

I just like to date.

So I hope that you enjoyed that short clip. If you liked it, you want to see the podcast in its entirety. The link is in the description. Now, Ben and I have been doing this for roughly 20 episodes. And on the podcast, we cover everything from psychology, philosophy, sometimes politics, and we touch on current events, but mostly to get into the psychology, philosophy and politics. If you guys are interested in that, like I said, link in the description. We didn't want to share this on the main channel before it was ready, and that's why we shot 20 episodes. But based on the feedback that we're getting in the comments, some of the reviews that we've gotten, I. I feel like it is ready to share with you guys, which is why I wanted to give you this little sneak peek. So if you liked what you saw, you want to see more, go ahead and check it out. I have been having a great time with it. And there's this added bonus that we actually take calls from people who want to talk to us. So we'll answer questions about charisma. If you want to chat, if you want to debate with us, you can do so on the podcast. And in order to do that, just go to the most recent podcast that we find. You can find it on the channel, whatever it is, click the link in the description. There'll be a link there that says that you can call in and we will call you and we'll have a little chat if you're interested. So I hope that you decide to Check out the podcast. Let me know if you want more clips related to Charisma on this main channel on the off days, or if you don't and we won't do it anymore either way. Hope you enjoyed this video. I look forward to seeing you in the next one.