How To Stop Negative Self Talk

So this week is gonna be one of those weeks where I share with you something that I am just learning. And the reason is because, well, I just learned it and I think it would be cool to do an experiment and have you explore along with me. That thing is a new mindset. And it came from a book that a friend recommended. One of the lines in that book said, I'm trying to be a better best friend to myself. And when I read that line, I immediately thought back to the times in my life where I was not a best friend of myself, where I was mean, I bullied myself, I was kind of a mental terrorist. And it made me think of the times in my friends lives where they've had issues. And often times what it seems is that they're self bullying. It's not that there's something horrible in that moment occurring, it's that they fear something will happen or something happened and they're beating themselves up about it. So personally, where I went to was to a breakup that I had. And if you've watched the channel, you know, this was a couple months back, broke up with my girlfriend about two years and I was so mean to myself, right? I look back at the types of things that I was saying to myself that made me feel really sad. And it was, man, you screwed this up. You might be sad forever, God knows, I mean, did you screw your life up with this? Are you ever gonna get over this? Your friends are leaving, they're going on vacation, you're gonna be alone. What kind of idiot are you? And when I think of the way that my best friend talked to me when I would reach out to him to try to feel better, it was a very different perspective. You see, he came in from a calm, not being completely emotionally involved, like I was perspective and say, dude, I love you man. I know this is a hard time, but I gotta tell you, you're gonna be okay. You're an amazing guy. You work hard to better yourself every day. I promise you this is not the last time you're going to be in love. And I promise you that on your deathbed, you're not gonna look back at this and think, wow, that was the end of the happiness in my, in my life. There's so much more good to come. Keep your chin up, it's gonna be all good. And when I talked to him in those moments, I felt much better. But as soon as I left, I felt bad. And that's because I realized I would go back to those mental processes of just beating myself up. And what I think would be interesting and what I want to try now with you is to have this best friend brain where I don't need to go talk to my best friend every two seconds if I'm having a tough time to get his perspective. What if I could just have that locked in my own head? What if you could have that locked in your own head? And that's the experiment that I want to run for one week. Anytime life throws a small difficulty, a big difficulty, whatever it is, I'm curious the type of results I can create in my feelings and in my life if I don't let myself do that mental terrorism stuff that so many of us do. And I think that there's four pieces that I'm going to purposefully make sure that I don't do for a week, and I want to invite you to do with me. The first thing is to feel mentally isolated. And I know this kind of sounds strange, but one of the things that has made this exercise work especially well for me is when I imagine best friend, right brain in the voice of my best friend, when it's not just my own mental talk, my own mental imagery. Because sometimes when you're in your own head and you're going through the same phrases, the same images that you always use, it's tough to get perspective. Whereas when you speak to yourself in the voice of someone that you respect, maybe you have a best friend who's really great, maybe there's a mentor that you look up to. When you just take someone and you use their voice, oftentimes you get immediate perspective. Their problems are not your problems. They can see them with distance and say, okay, this isn't going to last forever. You can overcome this. They're not so emotionally involved. They can give good advice. And oftentimes the crazy thing is all that you have to do to get that isn't necessarily pick up the phone, it's just adopt a different voice in your head. So that's the first thing. Make your best friend brain kind of a separate entity that you can talk with. Sounds crazy, but it makes you feel, I'll be honest, less lonely in the moment. The second thing is that your best friend brain, even if your best friend isn't like this, does not let you complain. It is solution oriented. Now, your best friend or your best friend brain might give you 30 seconds to talk about the things that are wrong, but it's gonna whip you into shape and say, okay, what are we gonna do about this right away? The contrary to this Which I see so often. I was on the phone today with a girl who was having an issue with her roommate, and the roommate isn't cleaning up the way that she would like. She wishes she would. She told me about the issue for 30 seconds a minute. I said, okay, here are some things you can do to change it. But then we talked for probably another nine or ten minutes about all the ways in which it wasn't fair. And probably in that moment I should have put an immediate stop to it, but for her own sake and for all of our own sake, that dwelling on the problem, while it might feel cathartic, is just not useful and doesn't make us actually feel good in the end. Yes, the best friend brain doesn't say there are no problems. It says, okay, tell me your problems, but now we're going to fix them. We're not going to connect and whine and cry about them. We're going to come up with solutions. So that's the second piece. Give yourself 30 seconds to a minute to, you know, dwell or be sad about something or even if you need more time to figure out what the real problem is, take it. But don't just repeat the problem and how it's unjust. Come up with solutions. Third thing about best friend brain is that the best friend brain gives you tough love. It's got high standards for you. So in the position of this girl who was talking with me, I realize what she should have done for herself. And many of us have been in this position before said, look, yeah, it's a bummer that there are plates, but you're better than this. Are you going to let your hour, your day get upset by the fact that there's dirty dishes that are left there by someone who's actually really close to you and that you like a lot? Are you going to focus on these things and allow yourself to be miserable for any period of time because there's plates in places you don't want them to be? You're better than that. Wake up. You've got so much to be grateful for, and I'm not going to let you be unhappy. I love you too much for that. That's the best friend brain. High standards, tough love. And the fourth thing that is very different sometimes from the way that I talk to myself is that the best friend brain and my best friend, thanks, Ben. Is very flattering. I don't often tell myself all the ways in which I'm amazing or great because it can feel unhumble. And I think that a Lot of us feel this. You know, you don't want to have too much arrogant mental talk. But for many people, and I suspect that a lot of people watching this fall into this category, we don't give ourselves enough self congratulations. And the best friend brain, when I think of the way that Ben would talk to me, goes, you know, when I'm going through this breakup, goes, dude, I love you. You're awesome. You're one of the coolest, smartest, hardest working guys that I know. You're going to be okay. You're going to get an amazing. Like, you're going to get an amazing girl. You've got all these wonderful qualities that sometimes in the situation where I'm going, you're never going to feel happy again. Those things don't always come through. So give yourself permission from that secondary perspective to flatter yourself a little bit. You don't need to become attached to all of these things. But in a moment it's nice to stop and reflect and say, you know what? I do work hard. I have a lot going for me. This is going to be okay. And just to pause here, if you're going, well, I don't have anything going for me. I bet every single person watching this video can say the following things. One, I do try hard to do the right thing. Maybe not as often as I should, but I do try hard. Second, I am capable of changing my life for the better. I can overcome whatever problem is in front of me. I know that I can overcome it. I have that capacity within me. And so your brain can tell you those things. If you don't feel like you've got everything else lined up right now because of where your life is, those things should still be true. So what I want to invite everyone to do is right now, if you're watching this, is to for the next week, stop your thought processes when they go to a negative place and sub in this best friend brain. Hear someone else's voice coaching you through it with these four qualities. And if you do that, I suspect I'm gonna be doing it along with you. You'll see that you can solve problems a lot quicker. You probably spend a lot more time in your life being happy. So that's what I'm gonna be doing this week. I wanted to make this video a little bit brief and short because next week I'm gonna be creating a much longer video video. And it's on the I don't give movement right. I don't give a fill in the blank. I'll swear a lot more in that video, but for now, I'll leave it as is. And it's going to incorporate a lot of different things. It talks about Fight Club, it's going to talk about the character Tyler Durden. So if you're interested in seeing that, make sure that you're subscribed to the channel. And if you are subscribed, hit the little bell icon on mobile or beneath this video on desktop, because if you don't, we will not show up on your home screen. Just sometimes in the sidebar, which is a new change from YouTube. So hope that you've enjoyed this. If you do decide to participate, write with me in the comments. Just go ahead and commit yourself. Say, yes, I'm in for a week, and if you want to come back, let me know how it's gone for you with the first couple days. Definitely would be interested in seeing that as well. So hope that you've enjoyed this video. Hope to see you in the next one, and I look forward to doing that. See you there.