How To Turn Insecurity Into Confidence

Like it or not, we have all felt insecure. It's something even world famous celebrities have to deal with.

I feel like you think that I'm a terrible person. Is that what you're thinking? What are you thinking?

Because worrying about what other people think of us is such a universal experience. In today's video, we'll go over some easy ways you can look more confident and some techniques you can use to actually build more confidence. We'll do this by breaking down clips of Scarlett Johansson. She does a great job of coming off as confident and likable. And even when she's expressing feelings of insecurity, you can improve both your self confidence and other people's perceptions of you simply by adjusting your body language. One way in which Scarlett is able to convey confidence while she speaks is with her hands. We all know that when you're nervous, your body tends to tighten up, leading to short, stiff movements or fidgeting. By contrast, bigger hand motions while you're speaking convey confidence. An easy way to learn this, if you aren't sure where to start, is the voice rule. Simply move your hands in rhythm with your voice. Watch these two clips of Scarlett to see what I mean.

Honestly, it brought a closure to me that I needed. Just go see it. Go see it. It's really, really. Yeah. It's so unusual. It's so fun.

In addition to making you look comfortable and confident, purposely getting your arms away from your body and making bigger gestures will actually start to make you feel more confident as you speak. If you've been watching the channel for a while, you probably noticed Scarlett has another good body language habit. She shows her palms when she gestures. We've mentioned before how revealing your palms shows that you have nothing to hide, whereas hiding your palms makes you seem less trustworthy. In addition to that, revealing your palms will also make you more confident by overriding that natural tendency to shrink and close off when nervous. You probably never noticed this before, but watch how often Scarlet reveals her palms in conversation.

She came last night to the Rough Night premiere and we, we did get kind of trashed by the wings. I ordered wings and a Caesar salad. You touch after you do eat those hot wings. I'm just.

Yes, yes, yes. By moving your hands in rhythm with your voice, getting your elbows unstuck from your ribs, and showing your palms, you'll go a long way to both looking and feeling more confident. Now let's move past body language and onto tips for what to actually say. One of the most frustrating parts of feeling nervous or insecure is how your mind goes blank in conversation. Suddenly, all the normal wit and charm that you have when you feel comfortable goes out the window. When you find yourself in that situation, you want to buy yourself a few seconds of time to think in a way that feels unforced and natural to the other person. One way to do that is the echo technique. Listen to how Scarlet responds to Jimmy Fallon when she isn't immediately sure what to say. Did you. Did you take anything from the set?

Did I take anything from the set?

Echoing a question like that gives you time for your mind to catch up when you're feeling nervous. It's also an easy form of mirroring, which helps you connect with the other person.

Excited about this? I'm so excited about this. I'm so excited about it. I can't wait to share it with everybody. And then where's ours? That's crazy. Yeah, that is crazy. You also have made a lot of money, but I'm saying you've made the studios a lot of money. Yes, the studios have made a lot of money with the films I've been in.

Repetitions may seem insignificant, but psychologists have found that when you repeat someone's words back to them, it can help build feelings of likability, trust, and rapport. So next time you find yourself in a social situation and want to buy yourself time to think or just build a connection, use the echo technique. You'll be surprised to see how much this little habit can improve your conversations. Just don't overuse it. While this is a good way to cope with insecurity in the moment, eventually you'll want to overcome your fear of being judged at a foundational level. The first step to overcoming your fear of being judged by others is to stop judging yourself so harshly. The quickest way to do that is to learn to laugh at yourself. Watch in these next clips how Scarlet laughs after saying something she's embarrassed by.

Yeah, he was kind of like. He was like, oh, hey, you were in the video, or whatever. Sorry, that's a bad. I knew who it was right away. Sorry.

Yeah.

So embarrassing. You'll cut that out later, right?

Okay.

The White House correspondence dinner, and Obama was hilarious. Actually, he really, like. He. We were all. We all drank the Kool Aid. We were sold. It was amazing. Well, do you think that he has a future in. Oh, wait, that sounded terrible.

Being able to laugh at yourself is a great marker of confidence. It also makes you more fun to be around. But laughing at yourself is easier said than done. It can feel forced if you're not actually comfortable laughing at your own mistakes. So what can you do to genuinely become more comfortable laughing at yourself? Scarlet has a good trick for this. Watch how she talks about auditioning for commercials.

As a kid I had a very deep husky voice and so all those kids parts, you know, I'd open up my mouth. It was like Ethel Mermaid, you know, it's just not did not match the pigtails and the overalls.

Here's one more quick example where Ellen asks Scarlet about her first kiss. See if you notice what's similar between these two clips.

And was it a French kiss? Oh yay. I don't remember if I don't think so. I think it was like one of those gross in between ones that sort of like. I think that's the. I know.

In both clips she's sharing embarrassing stories from her distant past. If you don't feel confident enough to laugh at embarrassing moments as they happen, then this is a great place to start. It gets you practice laughing at yourself without actually highlighting any present day flaws you may be insecure about. So now you have a practice to expand your comfort zone and build up your foundational base of confidence. But what about those high pressure moments where even confident people start to feel insecure? This varies from person to person, but we all have that one area that we feel extra nervous. Some common examples would be approaching someone attractive, giving a public speech or performing on stage. Watch how Scarlet handles feeling nervous after Stephen Colbert asks her for spoilers about the Black Widow movie.

I can't say anything and now you're getting me all wound up. I'm afraid something's gonna slip and my palms are sweaty.

Common advice when you're nervous is to play it cool and basically ignore the emotion through willpower. For some people, this is great advice. If it works for you, stick with it. For other people, trying to play it cool only makes things worse. So if you find yourself in a situation where you're caught in a mental loop thinking about how nervous you are and it's stopping your ability to perform or to connect, it can be better to share what you're feeling with a smile rather than try to hide it. As you'll see in this next clip, a loop breaker like this can be enough to make the negative feeling go away.

Are we nervous about tonight? I'm always nervous about stuff like this because. Oh yeah, yeah, always nervous about it. The whole thing makes me nervous. But now that I'm talking to you, I feel better.

Depending on the situation, admitting your nervousness with a smile can even make you more likable. It allows other people to feel comfortable about their own negative emotions. By seeing you comfortably admit yours, and ironically, by volunteering to share it, you show it doesn't bother you as much as it bothers most people who would try to hide it. Revealing your insecurities with a smile can also help you overcome your fear of being judged because it reinforces the belief that you aren't ashamed of who you are. That said, don't fall into the trap of oversharing and telling everyone how nervous or embarrassed you are every time the feeling strikes. So that's the last resort if you can't get out of your own head in a high pressure situation. But how do you make it so that you don't even feel that nervousness at all? One incredibly effective way is gradual exposure therapy. Basically, take the situation you want to stop feeling nervous in, find a low stakes way to mimic it, and then get a bunch of repetitions in. The good news is social courage is a muscle that is transferable. Meaning if you push your social comfort zone in any way, whether it's by public speaking, a job interview, talking to people you don't know in social situations, whatever it is, if you push your comfort zone, it will bleed over into all of the areas I just listed. In Scarlet's case, by starting her acting career at a young age, she got a lot of exposure to rejection. But beyond just exposure therapy, Scarlett developed a trick you can use to soften the blow of rejection. She shares it in this next clip with Barbara Walters.

How did you handle rejection when you're auditioning that much? As much as I did when I was a kid. You get rejected most of the time. I was very competitive and I think I always had this weird. I don't know, I felt like it was their loss.

The trick is to reframe success and failure. In Scarlet's case, she reframed failure as the other person being wrong about her and missing out. That's a great way to protect your ego. At the same time, it can hold you back by making you think you don't need to do anything to improve yourself. I would argue there's an even more useful reframe for you. Rather than framing success as getting one specific job or one specific date, reframe success as doing anything that improves you. So even if you're rejected, as long as you reflect on what went wrong and how you can do better when you're in that situation, again, that's a win. If you genuinely do that and are proactive about this gradual exposure therapy, you will very, very quickly be fearless. Now that said, confidence alone will only take you so far. Whether you're looking for a new mentor, more friends, or more dates, there's obviously a lot more to it than just feeling confident. You have to be able to approach someone and start a good conversation, hook them in the first few minutes so that they want to learn more about you, and then build a real connection so they want to see you again. If you'd like a step by step guide that lays out how to quickly master those skills, you may like our program Charisma University. It's the fastest way I know to become confident and charismatic. You can read all the details in the link below, but I think the strongest way to let you know what it's all about is just to let the members speak for themselves. So here are a few of the things that CU members have written in this first one is from a guy who joined after a breakup. He says, I thought that after completing this course I'd become a smooth talker and be able to take over a room. What I didn't realize is I get that and to feel so confident in myself, I feel liberated. Thank you for creating this course. This next one is from a woman who works as a clinical psychologist. She says, I absolutely love the content and I'm happy to pay for the modules. I'm a clinical psychologist looking for material that could help my clients who have social anxiety. Charlie's material is exactly what I was looking for. So excited to be a member of Charisma University. And this last one comes from a guy who got promoted to a senior position early in his career. He says, I don't even have a bachelor diploma yet. They want me to fill this position. And when asked why this was the answer. You have great social skills, which is rare for an engineer. You can think quick on your feet and you are open and self assured in your demeanor. Thank you so much for all that you taught me. You have truly changed my life because without cu, I wouldn't have qualified for that position in a million lifetimes. You'll see more success stories like these in the comments if you decide to join the course. And if you do join, it comes with a 60 day money back guarantee which is 100% for any reason at all. I make it 60 days even though the course is only 30 days because I want to make sure that every single member truly feels like they're getting a ton of value from the course. So if you want to check the course out. Go ahead and click the link on screen now or below in the description. We've had over 8,000 members go through this course and get a ton out of it, and I'd love for you to do the same. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.