How To Win (Almost) Any Negotiation

You never want your negotiations to end like this.

It would be a very hard thing to do business like this. I tell you, you're in no position to dictate what we're going to feel. You don't have the cards. With us, you have the cards, but without us, you don't have any cards.

But moments like this don't pop up out of nowhere. There were many common behaviors in the Trump Zelensky press conference that made that meltdown likely. And there were also some moments that were handled really well. So in this video, I want to break down what you can learn from this blow up so that you win in high stakes negotiations in your own life. To be clear, this is not about what Trump or Zelensky should do from a foreign policy perspective. I'm starting on the basis that Zelensky wants American weapons, money and backing, while Trump is signaling that he may not send it. I'm taking those starting positions as a given. What I want to focus on is what Zelensky could have done in a weak past power position in the negotiation so that you learn what you could do to win a negotiation where someone has something that you really want. But first, I want to weigh in on a common negotiation question. Who do you want to make the first offer? Should it be you or them? I firmly believe that in negotiations it is in your best interest that the other side make the initial offer. This is because, one, they might offer more than you hoped for, and, and two, it will direct you towards what they want out of this deal. In this case, Trump spelled out his desires immediately.

We look forward to getting in and digging, digging, digging and working and losing thousands of soldiers on both sides. We're losing a lot of soldiers and we want to see it stop and we want to see the money get put to different kinds of use, like rebuilding. The rebuilding. I will say that. I'll say in front of you, you've heard me say it a thousand times. If I were president, this war would have never happened. We would have had a deal negotiated for without having to go through what you've gone through.

A rare earth mineral deal, an end to the fighting so that money can be spent elsewhere and credit as a peacemaker. So far, so good. Zelensky knows what Trump wants, but he fumbles the next essential point, which is to show how working with you gets the other side. What they just said they want. Do not try to make the other side want something that they didn't say they wanted. Now, it's understandable that Zelenskyy would do this. But instead of emphasizing what Trump wants, he makes it a point to show Trump photos of mistreated Ukrainian prisoners. And he repeats over and over what Ukraine needs, while saying almost nothing about what Trump wants.

Of course, we need very much the air defense. You have the best air defense in the world, and we need licenses for quick production. We need our nation to be calm, that we are secured.

For some, this is going to sound harsh, but in a negotiation, you need to recognize that the other does not want the things you do. Behaving like they care about. What you need, even if you need it badly, isn't going to help you get it worse. Emphasizing how bad your situation is, how desperate your need is, can sabotage your position. And unfortunately, that is what Zelenskyy did, highlighting that without America, there may be literally no other option for him because Europe wouldn't participate.

Without the United States, they will not be ready to be as strong as we need. And of course, oh, I'm sure that United States president will not stop support. This is crucial for us.

Later, when things blew up, Trump echoed that desperation that Zelensky showed him right back to him, emphasizing that he had no choice without a US Deal.

I don't think you'd be a tough guy without the United States, and your people are very brave. But you're either going to make a deal or we're out. And if we're out, you'll fight it out. I don't think it's going to be pretty, but you'll fight it out. But you don't have the cards.

So do not beg to get your needs met by the other person. Instead, listen for what the other side wants and show them that they can get that more effectively by working with you. Now, I'm not a foreign policy whiz, but in this case, it might be something like showing Trump how a harder line with Russia, a demilitarized zone, weaponry and NATO troops on the ground could get him the money in the form of a minerals deal and the reputation as, as a great and powerful peacemaker. That would be speaking to what Trump has already said he wants, while getting Zelensky what he needs without having to beg for it. Now, of course, it's not all about their perspective, which brings us to the third point. You need to employ the friendly no. This means you reveal your disagreements without budging, but also without forcing their resolution. Now, this piece causes a lot of confusion. Some people think that you need to disagree loudly, make a display of strength so that you don't get Pushed around others, avoid disagreements and play nice to keep things flowing and friendly. The truth is you should disagree firmly. When you can hit these three points, you make your position clear. You don't ask the other side to agree with your reasoning, and you do it in a friendly manner. Zelensky does that beautifully. Here.

Our friends, and they are our very supportive partners. They really gave a lot. Mr. Brett. Really, they did.

I gave a lot. But they gave much less.

No.

Much less.

No. At least no.

Don't argue.

No.

But pushing back in other ways is doomed to be totally ineffective. This occurs when you're not just revealing where you disagree, but asking the other person to agree with your point of view of how and why you arrived there. Zelensky falls into this ineffective negotiating habit as he repeatedly points out that Russia invaded, seemingly hoping that Trump will agree with him that they're wrong for doing it.

You know, think of the parents. Think of the parents, whether they're in Russia or Ukraine. Think of the parents of all these people being killed needlessly.

They came to alter.

Should have never started. This would if I were president.

The president speaks about the people and the soldiers which are dying, but they came to our territory, they came to our land. They began this war and they have to stop.

This can be a tough pill to swallow, but in many negotiations, you will have to accept that the other party is going to walk away with a different story than you. This occurred as I negotiated with my co founder to buy out Charisma on command. We disagreed as to who had contributed the likely future, and basically we were living in different stories. What I learned from that was that trying to get him to agree to my story, or vice versa, is derailed things entirely. But when we allowed one another to have different stories and focused instead on how to move forward, we quickly got to a deal that worked for both of us. So do not try to change the other side's story. Focus instead on what you can exchange and what you can enforce. For Zelenskyy, this could mean dropping that attempt to get Trump to blame Putin or feel bad about the Ukrainian prisoners, which is all story, and instead focusing exclusively on getting him to take concrete steps to protect Ukraine and return those prisoners. Now we get to the part where things break down. Vance talks about diplomacy with Russia and Zelenskyy has an issue with his suggesting that diplomacy is even a viable route.

The path to peace and the path to prosperity is maybe engaging in diplomacy.

We signed the exchange of prisons, but he didn't do it. What kind of diplomacy JD you are speaking about. What do you mean?

I'm talking about the kind of diplomacy that's going to end the destruction of your country.

Yes, but he feels.

Mr. President, Mr. President, with respect, I think it's disrespectful for you to come into the Oval Office and try to litigate this in front of the American media.

This was a huge mistake on Zelensky's part because not only is he trying to get Vance to agree with his point of view, which, for the record, I totally get his desire to do that. He's wasting his time negotiating with someone who isn't the decision maker. Just don't do this. Now, we make fun of it sometimes, but the Karen technique of asking for a manager is exactly what you should do here in your life. You don't argue with the frontline employee without power. You ask immediately to speak with the person who can make decisions. Unfortunately, Zelenskyy gets into it with Vance instead of the guy who actually runs the show. Now, to his credit, Zelenskyy remains very calm here, but it's this unnecessary conflict that creates the shouting match with him and Trump.

You have nice ocean and don't feel now, but you will feel it in the future. God bless.

You don't know that.

God bless. God bless. You got a war.

Don't tell us what we're going to feel. We're trying to solve a problem. Don't tell us what we're going to feel.

I'm not telling you because you're in.

No position to dictate that. Remember this, you're in no position.

At this point, things are going off the rails. Trump and Zelenskyy are over each other. No one is getting through. Trump's leaning in and touching Zelensky several times to make him stop talking. Vance tells him that he needs to say thank you.

In this entire meeting, have you said thank you?

And Trump ends the exchange with the patented, excuse me, it was your president.

Excuse me, that was with Obama.

Now, obviously this isn't what you would ever want were you in Zelensky's position. Your blood would probably be boiling from being spoken to like that. I know mine would. But there is a way to recover from these moments and it's not some hard nosed negotiating tactic or devastating comeback. But I swear it really, really works. It's to ask a genuine question about the other side's feelings. For instance, what do you feel that I haven't fully understood here? Or what is it that you're most wanting from this deal? Most People cringe at these questions, but you need to realize that these questions concede nothing. The only thing you let go of is your need to be seen and heard in that moment. It's about releasing pride. This is one of the hardest things for most people, and it can be your greatest advantage in negotiations, because most people negotiate in part to get their feelings validated. We saw that Trump wants to be seen like the peacekeeper. And if you can drop your need for the other side to validate your feelings and how you see yourself while being willing to validate theirs, it gives you a powerful negotiating chip. Now, it's not the same power as tons of money or tanks or bombs, but in uneven negotiations where you feel like you need this deal, this can tip things in your favor. And just to be clear, validating doesn't mean agreeing to the other side's worldview or reducing your ask. You can remain completely firm. It just means that you hear them and reflect back that their desires are important. That didn't happen, though, and Trump kind of pointed as to why.

It's going to be a very hard thing to do business like this.

It's going to be very hard to succeed in a negotiation or any business deal when you have unprocessed contempt for the other side. And while he was outwardly deferential for much of the conversation, the eye rolling and other nonverbals signals Zelensky's contempt and frustration with Trump throughout this conversation. And to be clear, it wasn't like Trump held back with his contempt.

Then you tell us, I don't want a ceasefire, I don't want a ceasefire. I want to go and I want to this look.

But in a negotiation, you can't control the other side. You can only do your own work to get the outcome that is best for you. And I think this prior emotional processing was what Zelensky most missed. He came in wanting Trump to be someone other than he is. He hadn't processed the pain and frustration and anger that he felt at Trump's approach, which had been telegraphed for weeks beforehand because he didn't feel his feelings about Trump's approach. A combination of wishful thinking and frustration led Zelenskyy to behave in ways that didn't best suit his interests. So before a negotiation, it can be extremely helpful to imagine the other person doing exactly the upsetting thing that it looks like they're going to do and to scream your head off at them privately. This lets you process your feelings beforehand rather than having them leak out passive aggressively. Now there's something that happened off screen that would be criminal to leave out. Zelenskyy met with European leaders the following weekend, which is the most important piece behind every tactic that will occur on the day of the negotiation. Because 95% of powerful negotiation is having a second option that you're happy with. He who cares less wins, and he who has a great plan B will care less. So talking with Europe is a good move for Zelenskyy. If he's able to make up the Americans contribution from them, which is admittedly a very tall order, it will help his position tremendously. The the good news for you is that in your life there's almost always more than one option to get your needs met. So remember, if you're ever feeling pinched or stuck in a negotiation, the best strategy isn't to talk more cleverly, but to develop a plan B that you're genuinely excited for. And it's also worth pointing out that walking out on a deal is really not a problem. Inexperienced negotiators will freak out at this, which makes them weak and unable to draw boundaries. But as long as you can do the no deal option without angrily blaming the other person to their face, there usually isn't a problem. Now the whole Fox interview after was a mixed bag strategically for Zelenskyy, but these parts exemplify what you want to do in a no deal walkout situation. That is say thank you for the opportunity to discuss, express respect for the other person. And if you do say sorry, it's usually only sorry that things didn't work out with a hope to find another way that works for both parties.

Very thankful to Americans for all your support. You did a lot. I'm thankful to President Trump and to Congress. Bipartisan support.

Mr. President, a thought that you owe the President an apology.

No, I respect President and I respect American people.

Remembering that you can walk out and then come back later. As long as you do all of that respectfully will help you avoid many bad deals. And if someone gives you an offer that they threaten to take off the table without you having the chance to think on it privately, that's usually a good sign you don't want it anyway, so walking is fine. Now all of this has been about hard power, how to operate in a world of concrete exchange. But there is a lot of life and business that is about soft power that's operating in the world of social exchange where people get jobs, dates, raises and other opportunities not because they negotiate hard, but because people like them and want to be around them. So if you'd like to master your soft power skills to reap those benefits, you might want to join Charisma University. It's our step by step 30 day course to make confidence easy to tap into in any moment so that people and opportunities naturally gravitate to you. Here's what one member had to say about the soft skills that he took from the course. I highly recommend Charisma on command to any people, professionals or businesses looking to add practical edge in the world of soft skills and relationship building in both professional and personal situations. The training videos are super easy to follow. The summaries are easy to note down and make very efficient for easy following. One of my best investments in personal growth and leadership training. Beautiful, simple and lifelong lessons. This person transformed his job search to make it work for him I must confess that the course has been life changing for me. I aced all of my interviews and had several options to choose from. I now feel much more comfortable at networking events and I can easily make fruitful connections. I'm also the guy who links others together, which I think is an even more rewarding feeling. I highly recommend this course and it's been a remarkably transformative journey for me. Finally, this person used it to get a job that was originally looking for more experienced candidates. I don't even have a bachelor's diploma yet they want me to fill this position and when I asked why, this was the answer. You have great social skills, which is rare for an engineer. You can think quickly on your feet and you're open and self assured in your demeanor. Thank you so much for all that you have taught me. You have truly changed my life because without cu, I wouldn't have qualified for that position in a million lifetimes. Now if you do join the course, it comes with a 60 day money back guarantee which is 100% for any reason at all. And it's 60 days even though the course only takes 30 because I want to make sure that every single member truly feels like they're getting a ton of value from the course. So if you'd like to check it out, click the link on screen now or below in the description. There's been thousands of members who went through this program and got a ton out of it and I'd love for you to do the same. Either way, I hope that you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.