I Tried Ayahuasca And Finally Understood Myself

Today I'm going to share with you the story of the one and only time that I did ayahuasca. And I thought about not putting this on the channel, but quite frankly, I think that the insights are important enough that I couldn't not share them, even though this subject matter is a sensitive one, because it has left me and the people that I've been able to share these exercises with feeling more joyous, more energetic, and more positive in their life. And I didn't want to hold that back. So the reason that it's sensitive subjects is because ayahuasca is a hallucinogenic plant drug. However, depending on how you want to categorize it, that comes primarily from the Amazon rainforest. It is illegal in the United States of America, but tribes indigenous to the Amazon have been using it for a long time in rituals and ceremonies. And increasingly, Westerners have participated as well. So you should know that I did not go into this lightly. I went into this very, very deliberately. In fact, the reason that I did it was because I'd had a breakup and I was struggling, and I'd had a number of friends tell me that this was something, it was the right time to do it. I said, okay, but I'm not the type of person to do drugs of any kind. I've never smoked a cigarette. I don't drink caffeine these days. I've never done anything with weed or beyond that. And I don't even drink alcohol except for, like, a glass of red wine before bed because I heard that it was good for me. So this was something I researched the heck out of. And if you do decide to do this, you absolutely have to do the same. So we arrive, and the way that it works is that there is this circle, and prior to sitting in this circle, you come up with an intention. And my intention is that I want to not feel the crappy feelings that I have about this breakup of regret and wishing I could do things differently and not sure if I handled it appropriately. And so that's my intention. And there is a shaman who is the person who conducts this entire ceremony where people sit and they pass out this brew and everybody goes down and drinks it while one by one. Now, at first you're just sitting there, and after 20, 30 minutes, I'm in this circle looking across, and the person across from me just grabs their bucket and goes and retches right in the bucket. And I go, oh, man, I'm in for it. Person next to them, a few minutes later just bursts out into Tears. And I'm going, oh God, this is going to stink. And then a few minutes later, somebody else cries and I start hysterically laughing. And I have to stop myself because I feel guilty because these people are clearly having a difficult time. And I think it's so funny. And then somebody else pukes again. And I'm like, I'm sitting there covering my mouth, trying to restrain the hilarity that I feel as these other people are having a really hard time handling it. And I'm going, you are such a jerk. But I can't stop smiling. This is too silly. So that goes on for a little bit. And ultimately I decide this is everything is starting to seem hilarious to me. We were told specifically you can go outside, but just don't go to this one area. And I immediately think I know where I'm going. So I stand up, I walk outside, I go to the one off limits area because screw the rules, that's how I'm feeling right now. Everything is a joke. So I start kicking rocks, I'm twirling, I'm behaving like a little kid, basically just like completely flaunting the rules and having a grand old time in the dirt. And. And as I stand out there, I go, wait a second, I start dialoguing with myself. You are here for a reason. You are here to not just feel good. This isn't a party drug. You're here to solve some issues with yourself and the way that you feel about this breakup. And I hear back from myself, ha, ha ha. You thought that you were gonna solve your problems by puking in a circle with strangers. And then that immediately makes me burst into more laughter. Eventually the shaman comes outside and gives me a stern look. It's like, what are you doing out here? Brings me back in. And I have to sit there, you know, a little bit disappointed, but immediately I'm back to happy. I steal someone's notebook because they're incapacitated and I just start journaling. I just start writing, like in seven year old handwriting. It's ridiculous. And that's how my night goes the first night. The next day you have a talking circle and everyone goes around and shares their experience. And I sit there and I say, first off, I'm sorry. I know there was one area that we were supposed to go to that I ran to, but I couldn't help it. I felt I could have helped it. I didn't want to help it. I gotta be honest, I felt like a little kid and I was giddy and everything Was silly to me, and it was a fantastic experience, and I don't really know what to make of it. And the shaman said, first off, it's all good, but that was your inner child coming out. And I've seen this before. And what happens is, in people that have not had contact with their inner child, it can come out with a bang. And that was what happened last night. And I'm glad that you had that experience. But it tends to happen when people have repressed feelings of joy for a long time. And I sat there and I thought of it. I was like, I don't know if that's me. I have a pretty awesome life. And minus this one breakup, I'm very, very happy. I have a job that I love. I spend time with my friends. I get to hang out during the day or the night. We have awesome conversations all the time. I don't know that that's me. But the shaman says, you know what? We're going to do it again tonight. And all that I'd like you to do is when that feeling comes back up, I want you to ask your inner child about the pain that they are having. Because typically when our inner child has been repressed, it's because they're in pain and I'm sitting there and none of this is really connecting with me. I go, these are all kind of weird, Freudian Jungian terms that I'm not totally on board with. I don't really agree with the diagnosis, but I'm here, so this is what I'll do. So the next night, comes around back in circle. Drinks come around. I take mine, and it's immediate. Immediate. I feel that presence of me. And I'm stoked because here we are, we're about to have a good time again. I say, how you doing, inner child? He says, I'm great. I say, awesome. I was told to ask you about your pain. And of course, I'm not verbalizing this. This is all going on in my head. And he says, okay. And immediately, immediately I feel waterworks, like, this tremendous urge to cry. But not everyone has taken their drink yet. And so there's a lot of people who are dead sober. And I go, no, no, no, not now. It's not appropriate. Not everyone's drink. And they're gonna think that you're crazy. And this part of me goes, okay, well, it's kind of funny that you're such a jerk that after all these years, you ask me to speak and show you something, and then you tell me not to. It's kind of funny that you're such an insolent. And I start to want to giggle and they go, that is funny. Ha ha. But let's not laugh right now because that, you know, these people haven't drank. And this part of me, I said very clearly, you care more about these people's opinions than you do about me. And I went, ugh. And then it said, you never listen to me. And very vividly, all of my resistance earlier in the day to saying, I don't know if that's me. This inner child thing I have, I realized how often I do not express fully, as we all can't in common society, the emotions that I feel. Whether it's just pure giddy joy, you know, sometimes something funny where somebody gets hurt happen and you stifle it, or sometimes you're hurt and you're upset and you don't want to express it, or anger boils up and you go, this wouldn't be appropriate. In addition, I thought back to all the times where I thought I was, you know, playing. And I realized that there was almost no play in my life. Like all the things that I had. I have a wonderful life, but my job is in play. No kid wants to do this. An interesting conversation with friends that doesn't count as play going and getting a massage and treating yourself again, really fun for an adult, but that's not fun for a seven year old child. And as I look through all the things that I do to enjoy myself, I realize that there is nothing, nothing that would constitute play. And I went, wait, music. I love music. I have my guitar, I sing all the time. And then immediately this part of me went, you don't play, you practice. And I went, oh my gosh. Because it's true. I haven't sat down and just played the guitar without part of me thinking, how can I get better in forever? And there has been a part of me probably for the last 15 years that has constantly has an eye on how can you improve, how can you be better? Can we drill this? What's the most efficient way to do this? And that is important for getting better at things, but it is the antithesis of actual playing. So I'm sitting there and I'm feeling bad because I basically just shut my inner child down. He showed me all these ways in which I have been a jerk. And when I say he and me, clearly these things are happening inside of me, but it feels like there's two separate entities. And I start going through, I say, okay, well, we're you know, we're here for this breakup. So let's go through. You've been dating. I want to just ask you some questions about the people that we've been dating. So I go through, what about this woman? And he says, oh, she's boring. I don't want to hang out with her. I said, okay, fair enough. What about this woman? He says, boring, not interested. And I went through the women that I was dating and this part of me had no interest, clearly, because if you think what an inner child is, this is basically a seven year old level of consciousness, not really interested in hanging out with women. I said, okay, fair enough. What about our ex? And he said, oh my God, love her, let's call her right now. Miss her so much. Can we please talk to her? I went, what the heck is happening? Like, why? Why does this part of me have no interest in the pretty much any other woman in the world, but she is so close. And he immediately responded, because she takes care of me and you don't. And again, it hit me. These images and these senses of all these times that I didn't think were important, but apparently to part of me that had been incredibly repressed, were very important. For instance, we did a charity campaign many months back and we raised money for charity water. And on that day, I was thinking, you know what? I didn't give people enough reason, I didn't raise enough money. Our audience is larger than this. And I was disappointed in how much we raised because I thought there's so many people that need help and I have to, you know, I have to do more. And this is, this is, you know, we'll do it again. And I was trying to learn from my mistakes. And I got a phone call from her on that day and she was in tears and she was so hysterically proud of me for doing this campaign. And on that day, I don't, I felt good, but I don't know that it really hit me because I appreciate that. But like, this isn't that big of a deal. Like I wish I could have done better, you know, and it was a nice thing to do and I'm glad. I'll do it. I'll do it again for sure. But I can do more. And I didn't realize that that attitude of good, but you can do better is how I treat everything, like everything in my life. Yes, I give myself two pats on the back, but then there's always, and next time fix this, and next time fix this. And there is just no Clear space in my life where I am just sit down and proud of the things that I've done. And she gave that to me. In addition, she was always encouraging of whatever feeling I had. And I, you know, would maybe say, I had this interaction, it made me angry and I'd be proud of myself for having handled it with cool composure. And she would encourage me in that moment, but it's okay that you were upset. Like, that's, that's totally. You're allowed to feel that. And she would encourage expression of emotions that I was going, that this isn't an appropriate way to behave. And I realized that she took care of this childlike part of me in ways that I didn't even realize were critical. And when it came to, like, why it is so hard to let go of this particular woman, it was because, I mean, obviously there's wonderful things about her that I will miss regardless. But it came down to the fact primarily that I don't take care of myself in the way that she took care of me. And I think that when you don't treat this aspect of yourself, this childlike part of yourself as something that is deserving of attention and needs to be listened to, that you can form codependent bonds pretty darn quickly. So the rest of the evening went on like that with this dialogue back and forth between my inner child that I had now come to accept as a real enough entity that I needed to talk to it and pay attention to it and myself. And I took a lot of things from it, which this is the part that I think is most important for you guys who are watching. The first thing is that there is a part of me, and I believe a part of everybody that is childlike. And I think that our personalities in strong ways do live on. And in fact, it felt like there was part of my brain circuitry that was like old decrepit highway that hadn't been used. That boom was like turned back on in that moment. And I was having memories of things that happened. And I was writing, if you remember, like a 7 year old. I was doing things in the manner that I did when I was a kid. And when they get hurt, that doesn't work in society. So I and everyone else says, time to grow up. We need to be disciplined, we need to focus, we need to grow, we need to get stuff done. And that's what I did for, for a long time. And increasingly my life became about getting better growth, getting better growth. And any time spent where I couldn't clearly point how this had value in the future was a waste. And I achieved a ton. I achieved so much. And all of my friends I've watched do the same thing. They're just like me. And if you're out there and you're an achiever, this is probably the mode you're in. You don't have time to waste for things that don't help you grow. But I've realized that what you leave behind when you cut out this frivolous, silly, time wasting play is you leave behind joy. You leave behind the ability to be fully integrated in your personality. And you might not even consciously realize it as I didn't. But there is an aspect of who you are, who you were, and that part of you is not going away. It is in there that you are repressing in order to achieve more. And I've come to believe that there is no thing on the planet that you can get or do or be recognized for that is more important than experiencing joy. And I'm not talking about I got the award and I feel good. I'm talking about I can go outside in the sun and run in circles and kick a rock and just feel silly, happy for no reason at all. And that has been one of the lasting things that has come with me. It's not every moment of every day, but I can feel joy for no reason. And it's incredible. It brings tears to my eyes. And again, that's another thing. Like, I didn't cry before this. I didn't want to shed tears. And there was a period in my life where I probably went a decade without crying. And I will say all of the emotions, the whole panoply that I didn't think I had. Anger, sadness, joy, I feel more intensely. And by God, it is absolutely worth it. So how do you do this now? I want to give you. I want to give you away without having to do ayahuasca because I recognize not everybody wants to, which is fantastic. And not everybody has the means to. So what can you do? What I recommend is to sit or lie down, take a few deep breaths. And this is an exercise that actually psychotherapists in the Jungian tradition use the guy that I thought was a total joke to contact their inner child and connect with that part of who they are. So you sit there, take some deep breaths, and you start to populate in your mind an area, a space with things that you would love, say, from the ages of 5 to 10. And for me that's like baseball cards, that's Pokemon Cards. That is different. I'm seeing a baseball bat. I'm seeing a baseball mitt. I'm seeing animals, puppies, red airheads, like foods that I would never let myself eat today. So you populate this whole area and then you invite your inner child while you're sitting there with your eyes closed to come out and you can see them. Little version of you. And I've sat and done this since and I've had complete, fascinating experiences, completely sober. And I have said, and I recommend that you say, how's it going? How are you? How have I been treating you? Have I been a good parent and steward to you? And then you just wait for the felt gut level echo in your head response. It's not like a word that you choose, but you just hear it in your head. This part of you is capable of communicating with you when you give it time and space. I'm not saying you have to do everything this part of you wants. My thing, my guy, when I ask him, he wants to eat junk food, play video games, hang out with puppies, never work and goof off like that's it and it's worth it sometimes. But I don't do it all the time. But I will say I went out for the first time in 15 years. I bought a PS4. I didn't know how to turn it on, it had been so long. But I play video games sometimes now and the wasted time has been so worth it because that is me recognizing there's a part of me that just wants to goof off and play and saying, here's some space to do that, so ask yourself what it is and then go create that thing. You don't have to listen in every moment. Sometimes this party will be like, you didn't let me cry or you didn't let me complain when I wanted to. And you can feel that emotion. Then sometimes it'll say that I want to eat junk food. And you can decide if this is the right or the wrong time. But what's most important is that you acknowledge and don't demonize this part of you as I did. For a very, very long time. I thought that the part of me that was undisciplined, was a complete waste, had nothing to contribute, and was total worthlessness. And I've since realized that it is the source of joy. You can be happy without play, but I really don't know that you can have that giddy, silly, irreverent sense of joy. So I hope that this has been illuminating to you. If you have questions, I'm going to do something new which is tomorrow I'm going to go on Facebook and I think at 11pM or 11am rather Pacific time, this is gonna be Tuesday, April 24th. I could be wrong about that date. I'm gonna do a Facebook livestream. If you have any questions, hop on there and ask me. I'm happy to talk more about this, but I've gone on long enough at this point. I hope that you guys have enjoyed this video. If you would like to subscribe to the channel, hit that notification bell. And if you wanna join the chat tomorrow, ask me some questions. Go ahead, click the link in the description to like our Facebook page and I think that will notify you when we are live or just go hang out on our page. You'll see the live stream there. That is it. I hope that you guys have found this video helpful and useful. I hope that you do the exercise. It is so valuable to get in touch with that part of you and it's made me more joyous than anything and I could cry right now with joy. So thank you guys. That's it for this video. I'll see you in the next one.