If you want to calm an aggressive person, use these 3 words

Ye has been doing interviews recently and they have not all gone well.

Hey, hey, bro, I ain't finish. I ain't finished my sentence.

Nothing you're saying has anything to do with.

It's not uncommon for someone to get frustrated in a disagreement. What's rare is for you to argue with someone and have them walk away liking you more. But that's exactly what happened in a conversation between Ye and Lex Friedman. So in today's video, we'll break down that conversation to show you eight tips to change someone's mind and have them love you for it. For first, let's start with two common mistakes you have to avoid if you want to be persuasive. Here's a quick example of mistake number one.

Now tell me this. Have you seen the Candace Owens BLM documentary?

I have watched some of that documentary, but here's what I would say to you when you watch that video of George Floyd.

No, it's not a but. It's not. It's not a but.

Ye clearly wants to say something about that documentary. That question was a tee up. When you transition away from a topic without first listening to what the other person wants to say, and it can make them feel like you don't value their thoughts. The ultimate form of this is mistake number two, Cutting someone off. This is what starts the conflict between peers and yay.

I'm told you to watch.

I know, I know what you said about.

Wait, I'm going to finish.

La la.

Sorry.

You don't have to do that.

I know what it means.

La la la means be quiet and let me finish.

You did interrupt my question.

So almost every heated argument starts when you stop listening or empathizing with the other person. So if you want to disagree with someone without it turning into a fight, the first step is to listen deeply and make the other person feel heard. Lex does this in a very overt way.

Do you think I would trust anybody at this point in my life?

Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. It's tough. I hear you.

I hear you. Three powerful words, especially when someone is sharing a negative feeling. For more complex ideas, a great way to make someone feel heard is with positive paraphrasing. Repeat back what they've said accurately in a way they'll agree with.

When you've allowed people to be in your life that shouldn't be there, and then they do the thing you knew they were gonna do and you're screaming at them, but you really need to scream at yourself.

Yeah. So you realize anything that's like anger or frustration. That's something that's wrong with you that needs to be dealt with.

Yes, making someone feel heard is an important part of any conversation. So now let's get into how to command respect, specifically in a disagreement. Here's a quick example where Ye says something Lex disagrees with.

A Jewish friend of mine said, come, go visit the Holocaust museum. And my response was, let's visit our Holocaust museum. Planned Parenthood.

The first step when you want to disagree is to use a calm, slow voice.

With all due respect, I grew up in the Soviet Union. I'm Jewish. Parts of my family perished in the in the holocaust of Nazi Germany. I have to push back.

How your argument is received is not just about what you say, but how you say it. Specifically your speed and volume. Listen to these next two clips. Who would you rather argue with? Ye or Lex?

Or why don't you empower yourself and don't need them and do it yourself?

How?

Sway, Take a few steps back to go, you ain't got the answers, man. You ain't got the answers. You ain't got the answers. You ain't got the answer, Sway. The most dangerous place for a black person in America is in their mother's stomach.

900 to a million abortions in the United States a year. I hear you, but there's something about the rape, the torture, the murder.

This advice is most useful when something triggers you. If you feel yourself getting angry, let that be your cue to pause, take a breath and use a calm, slow voice. For example, a few days before the conversation with Lex, Ye tweeted, when I wake up, I'm going Death Con three on Jewish people. Then throughout the conversation, Ye has been talking about the evils of the media and he insists on calling it the Jewish media. This frustrates Lex, but listen to how he responds.

Don't say Jewish media and Jewish Jewish controlled media.

JM.

Like, man, you sound. You sound like. It sounds too much like 1930s Nazi Germany.

That last clip has another great habit. If you're going to criticize, criticize specific behavior. Listen here for another example.

And when you say Jewish media, it's funny how this world works that way. When you say Jewish media, there's a large number of people that are hurting and have anger and even have hate in their heart when they hear, when they hear Jewish media, they start. That hate starts being directed towards the Jewish people.

Lex doesn't call ye racist or anti semitic. He criticizes the specific actions he didn't like. If you want to Persuade someone. You have to avoid the far too common mistake of negatively labeling the entire person. Imagine how you would feel to be peers in these next clips.

No, you're a liar. You're pressing the agenda. You're being a Karen.

When you label the entire person as bad, they're likely to dig in and become hard to persuade. If someone already seems dug in, there is something you can do to help them become more receptive to new ideas. When you agree with them, tell them, that's beautiful.

That's beautiful. It's well put. It's really well put. I agree. I agree.

Most people make a common mistake. They keep their positive thoughts to themselves and say their negative thoughts out loud. Sharing when you agree helps build rapport, as you'll see in this next clip. It's also a great way to diffuse anger for context, just so the clip makes sense. Ye previously said he doesn't like BLM and and thinks the organization used George Floyd's death for their own benefit.

You should find people in your life you can trust.

Don't tell me what I should do. I'm not one of your BLM marchers.

Listen, I'm with you on the blm. A lot of organizations use tragedy, and I watched the Candace Owens documentary and.

What was your take on it?

Now, sometimes you truly struggle to agree with anything the other person is saying. But no matter what your disagreement is, you can almost always express empathy. For example, Lex hates what Ye said about Jewish people, but he can still express empathy for how hard things must be for Ye right now because of that tweet. And notice how this improves Ye's mood.

You're under a lot of attack, a lot of attack by a lot of people. You have a vision and you're trying to feel your way through it, and you might get destroyed for it. That's the human. That's the risk you take.

It's a wonderful life. Though.

Expressing empathy is a great way to strengthen your connection to someone, even in an argument. It can also help that person extend empathy back to you. And seeing things from each other's perspective is often all it takes to transform a heated argument into a calm collaboration. This is especially powerful when you combine it with another habit. Be vulnerable when you feel a negative emotion. Let's look at an example where Ye says something potentially upsetting to Lex because.

I hope I'm somebody you can trust.

I don't fucking trust you.

In Lex's position, most people would get angry or defensive. Instead, Lex and Ye talk for a few more minutes and Then Lex says this.

I gotta tell you, I have to be honest. Don't. This is silly because you don't know me, but it hurt when you say you don't trust me. You kind of lost me.

Honest vulnerability is rare and very likely to make the other person respect you more. It also helps build trust because you're sharing something that most people would try to hide in this particular conversation. It actually helps Ye see himself trusting Lex one day.

It's like, I could be turning my thing from a potential world vision to a code, or I could be opening up conversations with new friends that I may trust someday.

If you do everything we've covered so far, it's likely you'll form strong connections, even during disagreements. And with that connection, you'll often see the other person try to use humor to take little breaks in the argument. A little way to say, hey, we may be arguing, but I don't hate you for it. When you feel it's appropriate, try to accept these playful breaks. For example, this next clip is a bit of an awkward forced joke, but you can see Ye loves that Lex played along.

People, just in general, they love me so much. I'm, like, actually a hard guy to really hate for a long period of time just because, like. Because of, like, my huge cock.

And that's what I noticed. I didn't. I didn't understand why you showed it to me when we first met, but now I understand. Yeah, it's very nice. Congratulations.

Ye also tried to joke with Piers, but Piers steamrolled it, so they went right back to arguing.

No, I said, answer my question. No, I'm interviewing you, too.

Well, you. You can't interview me. It's my interview.

You're Bono. I'm interviewing you, too. See, that's the way we rap.

Let me just say. No, no, let me just. Let me just put this to you, so.

No, no, no, no.

Hang on, hang on.

You're trying to avoid.

The last habit we'll cover today is arguably the strongest thing in this entire video. If you want to influence someone, give them a reputation they like and will want to live up to. Both Piers and Lex want to guide Yay to the same conclusion. You shouldn't vilify an entire group because of the actions of a few people. Ye argues with them both that he shouldn't have to apologize for hurting Jewish people because he himself is hurt and no one has apologized to him.

Have you felt my pain yet? You haven't felt my pain. I don't have to feel your pain because I also have pain, too. That's not being recognized.

Now watch how peers responds to ye's pain. It does not make ye apologetic.

That doesn't change the fact that when you insult the Jewish people and say you're going death con three on the Jewish people, that is as racist as anything you say you've been through. And any pain that you've experienced, it's the same thing. Racism is racism. And you know that, I think, don't you?

Yeah, obviously, that's why I said it.

Piers is right. But when you're in an argument, just being logically correct won't often change how someone feels. That's a common misconception people have. Being correct is not the same as being persuasive. Now listen to how Lex responds to ye's pain.

A great man, still through the pain, does the right thing.

Lex knows that ye wants to be a great man, so he gives him this reputation to live up to as.

Somebody cares for you and hopefully can be a friend. And yay. I gotta say these words. And the words about Jews is not the words of a samurai, of a great man.

Here's a different example from later in the conversation. Instead of simply saying you shouldn't be hateful, Lex again describes ye in a way ye likely wants to live up to.

You have the skill and the capacity to really add love to the world, and I hope you do that. But I can tell you're a man that has love in his heart. And I hear that. I hear it through the words explicitly, implicitly. And I think if we're to engineer a better future, the way to do that is with love.

This is what finally persuades ye to give a heartfelt apology.

So before God, what I would do is start off as a samurai and say, I'm sorry for hurting you. As a Jewish person, I'm sorry for the way that made you feel and I'm sorry for the entire population of a race that I feel is actually my brothers.

At the end, they reach an agreement that we can hopefully all agree with. We want to live in a world filled with love, not hate. As Lex said, if we're to engineer a better future, the way to do it is with love. So to that end, Charlie and I have donated $250,000 from Charisma on command to charity water because we want to live in a world where we all love and take care of each other through charity water. Every $40 donated gets someone access to clean water for 10 years. Yes, for the amount of money that some people spend on food in one day, you can give someone clean water for 10 years who otherwise wouldn't have it. Whether you donate or not, please know that we couldn't have made our donation without you. However, you support our channel, whether it's watching our videos or joining Charisma University. You are the reason that over 6,000 people will have access to clean water. So thank you for helping us make the world a better place. If you feel inspired to help even more, you can go to charitywater.org Charisma to donate. Even a $1 donation makes a difference. It helps get people clean water and it shows the world that there are good people who care about each other. Thanks for watching and I'll see you in the next video.