If You’re Doing This in Your Relationship, It Won’t Last

In today's video, we'll show you four early signs that your relationship is secretly heading towards this.

Every day I wake up and I hope you're dead.

Okay, maybe not that extreme, but Dr. John Gottman has developed a model that can watch you talk to your partner and then predict with 90% accuracy if your relationship will end. He does this mostly by looking for four common communication mistakes. So today we'll go over each one and the four antidotes that can save your relationship. If you or your partner have these bad habits. The first bad habit is extremely common. It's criticism. Oh, you can't be serious.

I'm dead serious. You're a psychotic.

There's a difference between. Between criticism and a complaint. A healthy complaint points to a specific behavior you don't like. It will look something like this. Why didn't you call?

Why didn't you call me?

Criticism is when you go beyond addressing a specific behavior and attack your partner's character or personality.

Have you been doing this the entire time? Are you that insecure?

Are you so insecure that you have to pull that crap?

You're being so much like your father.

Do not compare me to my father.

I didn't compare you to him. I said you were acting like him.

If you or your partner let your complaints turn into criticisms, you will slowly kill your relationships. Unfortunately, this is a very common mistake. This next movie clip is a good example of how that shift from complaint to criticism can happen.

Let me see if I'm following this, okay? Are you telling me that you're upset because I don't have a strong desire to clean dishes?

No, I'm upset because you don't have a strong desire to offer to do the dishes.

I just did.

After I asked you.

Jesus, Brooke, you're acting crazy again.

Don't you call me crazy.

So far, these examples are all purposely extreme so you can see what it looks like on the far end. But not all criticism is this obvious. One subtle way that criticism can enter a relationship is. Is by speaking in absolutes. Key phrases to watch for are never or always. When you use those words to describe something your partner does to upset you, you are prioritizing, making them feel bad over addressing the behavior that's upsetting you. The next few clips are very dramatic because they're from movies and TV shows. In your own life, you want to watch out for sentences like these, even if they're delivered without yelling.

Always take advice from people besides your wife.

You always made me aware of what I was doing wrong. How I was falling short.

You think that I nag you?

That's all you do. All you do is nag me.

Criticism is a poison that slowly kills relationships. But that doesn't mean that repressing your complaints is the key to a happy relationship. In fact, this is almost guaranteed to lead to resentment and eventually a big fight. So how can you express that you don't like something in a way that's healthy and doesn't slowly destroy your relationship? The facts and feelings method, using a calm tone, speak to a specific instance they can't deny, like not doing the dishes yesterday. And rather than label them something negative, explain how that behavior made you feel. Here's an example that's a little too vague on the specifics, but nails it in terms of tone and focusing on her feelings.

When we argue, like, the things that you can say really upsets me when you say that kind of stuff.

One thing you want to watch out for here is the false feelings trap. This is where you or your partner say, I feel, followed by a negative judgment. This is not actually expressing an emotion. It's a criticism in disguise. I feel like you is the sneaky phrase most often used.

Feel like you become upset or something.

Like, for no reason. I just, like, feel like you.

You don't want to respect this culture.

The second sign your relationship won't last is contempt. Of the four behaviors we'll cover today, this is the single greatest predictor that a breakup is coming. If you see this in your partner, run. And if you see this in yourself, kill this habit before it kills your relationship. Contempt has three common ways it gets disrespect, disgust, or superiority. The most obvious example of contempt is name calling. For a quick example, watch how this woman reacts to her boyfriend telling her that he's scared of heights and doesn't want to do a canyon swing.

You're too pussy for everything. Like in the farm, you are like a princess. Or here, too.

If you see this type of name calling in your relationship, it's very likely doomed.

How are you? I'm not sitting here bitching about it, am I? You are. That's the difference between me and you. You're a baby.

Another example of contempt is if your partner frames you as inferior. Look out for phrases like, that's the difference between you and me. This next clip is a good example. Although, again, in your life, you'll likely see this without as much yelling.

You know the difference between you and I, Michael? I have a heart. I'm a mean, I fight in a goddamn minute and I with y'. All.

You have no A more subtle version of superiority is if they consistently act like you're embarrassing them.

What does a dance number look like.

Between the two of you? Your relationship isn't doomed if one of you ever feels embarrassed by something the other one says or does. But if someone's reaction to feeling embarrassed is to scoff, roll their eyes, or tell you you're being childish, that could be a sign that their embarrassment is a mask for superiority or contempt. One last example of contempt you might see in your relationship is put down sarcasm. Like this joke where the punchline is ross failed marriages.

That is the most beautiful engagement ring ever.

Yeah, well you should know, you bought like a billion of them.

The show is fiction, but unfortunately these jokes where people attack something you're sensitive about are all too real in many relationships. Another example would be sarcasm, where the underlying message is that someone in the relationship isn't a capable person and I.

Picked up all the forms. I'll take care of everything.

Well sure, if you say you're going to take care of everything, I have no reason to doubt you.

Good sarcasm lets you laugh along with it if you feel hurt. It may not be that you're sensitive, it may be that there's contempt behind the joke. Contempt has even more subtle, non verbal ways. It shows itself like eye rolling, sneering and scoffing. The opposite of contempt is appreciation. If you want a relationship that's full of love and lasts a lifetime, then purposely build the habit of telling people what you appreciate about them and filter for a partner who's good at sharing what they appreciate about you. For example, Robert Downey Jr. Is notorious for being sarcastic in interviews, but listen to how he talks about his wife.

You know what's so amazing is just how happy you are in her presence. It's so beautiful.

Yeah, you just make everything better. This doesn't mean you can't be sarcastic, but you want your sarcasm to communicate love. For example, watch how Michelle Obama uses sarcasm to launch into a compliment.

I never get to do anything with my husband. I haven't seen him in three days. This is a nice date. This is good to see you lookin good.

In a healthy relationship, expressing appreciation creates mutual appreciation and makes your partner more likely to respond in kind. I hate following Michelle. She's so good. How lucky am I to be married to Michelle Obama? Without mutual appreciation, it can be extremely easy to fall into the third habit that kills defensiveness. Defensiveness is when you attempt to make your partner feel bad for something they've said instead of addressing the thing itself. This makes it almost impossible to fix an otherwise fixable issue in your relationship. One way you may see this is with righteous indignation. Here's a quick example from La La Land. Emma Stone's character is trying to help Ryan Gosling's character. She isn't going about it kindly. And so rather than consider her point, Ryan's character gets defensive and attacks her back.

When do you care about being liked? Why do you care so much about being liked?

You're an actress. What are you talking about? If you match aggression with aggression, it will almost always escalate a conflict. Instead, use an easy three step process of de escalation. Pause, take a deep, slow breath, and answer in a purposely calm low voice. Another common example of defensiveness is reverse blame. Let's say one partner promised to make dinner and forgot. When asked what happened, you can take ownership for your mistake, or you can defensively say, well, you forgot to take the trash out last week. What you're saying may be true, but it doesn't help heal the relationship or get your needs met. It just further erodes the partnership.

But you can't just waltz into my room and turn it into a damn art field, Gary.

I've only taken up a little bit of space.

I don't care if you only took an inch. There might not be a door here, but this is my domain, okay? I don't go into your bedroom and set up a goddamn sawhorse.

Well, then what the hell is that pool table doing in the dining room?

Because that's a common area.

It may feel like two wrongs make a right, but what they don't do is help heal a relationship. The antidote to defensiveness is accepting responsibility. That doesn't mean you need to apologize or admit to things you didn't do. It means own your part in the conflict. The show Desperate Housewives actually does a good job of showing what this can look like. Since this whole thing began, have you ever once asked me how I'm doing?

Oh my God. I haven't.

Defensiveness escalates a conflict because you're denying the other person's reality. Calmly accepting responsibility to the extent you can do so honestly helps to de escalate a conflict and make the other person feel heard and understood. Now, if your relationship has criticism, contempt, and defensiveness in it, it can result in the last relationship destroying habit, stonewalling. Stonewalling is when someone withdraws emotionally from a conversation. This can include things like shutting down, going silent or walking away. When your partner says something you don't.

Like, you're not sor.

You know what I meant.

No, I don't know what you meant. I know what you said. Why don't you show some regret? Why don't you show me that you're sorry?

A common misconception about stonewalling is that the person doing it has given up or doesn't care anymore. But the real reason they emotionally disengage might be that they're emotionally overwhelmed, so they shut down to protect themselves.

I slept with someone. Get out of the car. I think the fact that I did it, it just shows how broken we are, how much we really need.

If feel the instinct to stonewall, the solution isn't to force yourself to stay in a situation that's hurting you. Emotional overwhelm is real and it will make you make bad decisions, say things you don't mean, or otherwise hurt a relationship you care about. So the healthy alternative is to call a time out. When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed and wanting to shut down or run away, tell your partner, then ask for a 20 minute break from the conversation. You can resume it when you're ready. This next clip is again from a fictional TV show, but it does a surprisingly good job of showing what a healthy timeout can look like.

Maybe we just shouldn't get married at all.

Maybe not. Pause. Unpause.

Unpause.

One important note here. Don't spend the time out planning out what you're going to say that will just keep you in that heightened emotional state of fighting. Spend that 20 minutes focusing on clearing your head and de escalating your emotions. Now, throughout this video you've seen some pretty extreme examples and you might be thinking, why does anyone stay in a relationship where there's regularly fighting, tears or emotional disconnection? The first reason this happens is because these bad habits build over time. They start out small and infrequent, but if you don't cure them quickly, they get worse and worse. In a relationship spanning multiple decades, this can end up getting really ugly. The second reason is because deep down, at a subconscious level, most people are scared they'll end up alone. They lack the confidence to end bad relationships, or they lack the charisma to attract great people. So they settle and marry the wrong person, never finding someone that truly makes them happy. If that resonates with you and you want to avoid that fate, you may like our program, Charisma University. It's a step by step guided program guaranteed to give you more charisma and confidence in just 30 days. Now you can read all the details in the link in the description below, but I figure the best way to let you know what it's about is just to let the members speak for themselves. So here are a few things that past members have said I was at a low point in my life when I began the course suffering from heartbreak. The trifecta of healing myself was exercise therapy and Charisma University. Whereas before I was always one of the most socially awkward within a group, I am now one of, if not the most charismatic and confident. And I'm only a little over halfway through the course. I am significantly more confident in all social situations. The connection I feel with strangers and close friends and family has increased dramatically. I transitioned from someone who never got asked to hang out regularly to multiple people texting me on a daily basis. I've grown so much because of this course and I cannot thank you enough. I had confidence in some areas, but not in others. Then Charisma University changed that for me. Since beginning the program, I have seen noticeable changes in my life. It has helped me unlock the confidence that comes with knowing that I can go into any social situation and crush it. It has had a far bigger impact on me than any traditional class I've ever enrolled in. You'll see more success stories like these in the comments if you decide to join the course. And if you do join, it comes with a 60 day money back guarantee which is 100% for any reason at all. We make it 60 days even though the course is only 30 days because we want to make sure that you truly feel like you're getting a ton of value from the course. If you want to check it out, click the link on screen now or below in the description. We've had thousands of members go through this course and get a ton out of it and I would love for you to do the same either way. I hope you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.