Stop Being A Loner: Tips To Get A Thriving Social Life

We are in an epidemic of loneliness and it's a real problem. Roughly half of adults report feeling socially disconnected. And science is showing loneliness is associated with greater risk of dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and even has a similar risk of premature death as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. On the flip side, you've probably heard that you are an average of the five people you spend the most time with. That means, with rare exceptions, your happiness and success are heavily dependent on who your friends are.

So.

So in today's video, you'll learn how to improve in each of the four main phases for making incredible friendships. How to meet new people, how to turn those meetings into friendships, how to make those friendships world class and how to maintain those world class friendships for decades. Okay, so step one. Meeting new people. By far the most common way that people meet their close friends is proximity. Do you know all your neighbors and coworkers? It's very possible that an incredible friendship is already nearby. You just have to follow the advice in this video to create it. When there is someone you want to meet and you aren't sure what to say, try this simple conversation starter. Hey, I don't think I've met you yet. I'm Ben. Say it with a smile and energy and you'll be shocked at how easy it is to start a conversation that feels natural. Now, let's say you've met your neighbors and coworkers and you don't think your next great friendship is there. Well, you've heard birds of a feather flock together, so join a flock. Look for a pre selected group that shares your interests. So for instance, if you're interested in improving your charisma, you can join things like a beginner's improv class or Toastmasters. If you feel like you don't have time to start a new activity, then consider how the things you're already doing can be done more socially. If you work from home, join a coworking space. If you like athletics, join a gym that specifically fosters community like CrossFit or Jiu Jitsu. Replace a solo habit like weightlifting with a similar habit that automatically connects you with potential new friends. If you can't find a pre existing group that excites you, you can also become a beacon, create the group and host events yourself. You may think this is impossible if you don't already have a lot of friends, but. But that isn't the case. You can use public platforms to attract like minded people to your event. So if you're in school, you can do this by starting a School sponsored group. If you've graduated, you can do this by using something like meetup.com or a local forum like your city's subreddit. You'll automatically attract people who share whatever interest you're creating the group about, and those people will want to meet you because you're the host. Lastly, if making friends is a priority, say yes to invitations. You'd be surprised how many people say they want to make new friends. But. But then don't go when a friend invites them to something with new people. Okay, so now that you're meeting new people, how do you go from meeting to being friends? This is a two step process. First, you have to make a good enough impression that they want to see you a second time. And then you have to figure out the logistics of actually hanging out again. We've made other videos on how to make a great impression, so instead of covering that again, I'll link to two videos at the end of this video if you want a refresher. That said, I do want to take a few seconds to go over a mindset that makes it way easier for you to connect with new people. No exaggeration, this mindset will help you with every goal you have in your life. Focus on the process, not the outcome. So in the context of making friends, don't make your goal in conversation to become friends with the person. That outcome focus can make you nervous and kill your charisma. Instead, make your focus in conversation to have fun and see if you two connect. If you do that enough times, you'll eventually end up making friends with the right people for you. If you're thinking to yourself, even if I met 50 new people, I'd be lucky to have one who wants to be my friend, then you need to start by prioritizing your own self improvement. Become someone who the people you want to be friends with will want to be friends with. Once you hit it off and it's clear you're both enjoying the conversation, you want to set up a second hangout in a way that feels natural to do this. Bait for shared interests. So for example, if someone asks why I live in Malibu, I could just say I love the warm weather. Or I can say I love the warm weather. It lets me surf and golf year round. So many times that's led to someone saying they also like surfing or golfing, or that they've never surfed but have always wanted to try it. It creates a very natural way to make plans together. On the flip side, if you've met by Joining a flock or becoming a beacon. You already know your shared interest, but you might find your friendship gets stuck in that one setting. So you see your friend at improv or the gym, but never outside of it. In this case, just ask them if they want to get food or a drink after whatever you're doing. It sounds obvious, but a true friendship is hard to grow in just one setting. So sometimes purposely going to another venue is all it takes to go from acquaintance to starting a friendship. Now let's talk about making your friendships stronger. The obvious thing that helps is simply time together. The more fun memories you have, the better your friends will be. But beyond that, there are three ways you can strengthen your friendships. Any one of these is all it takes to become close friends. And with all three, you're very likely to be friends for life. Also, just a heads up for the rest of this video, I'm going to sprinkle in some clips of celebrity friendships as examples to highlight some of the points. The first thing that can deepen a friendship is a shared North Star. That's what took Ben Affleck and Matt Damon from simply being neighbors as kids to being lifelong best friends.

We both were in love with this. You know, the same thing with acting and with filmmaking and I don't know, I think we kind of fed on each other's obsession during some really formative, important years and that bonded us for life.

I think a shared goal automatically creates a ton of deep conversations and a catalyst to spend time together. It also natur creates opportunities to strengthen the friendship. For example, listen to Ben explain why he and Matt had a joint bank account at one point.

We were teenagers and we wanted to go up to New York. We were in Boston, wanted to go to New York and audition, and we were kind of like we wanted to help each other and we hope one of us would make enough movies so that we could money. So we keep having enough to take the train to New York to do the next audition.

The first step to chasing a dream together is learning what someone's big dreams are. People often ask their friends small questions. How's your day? How was work? What are you up to this weekend? You should also ask your friends big questions. What's a dream you have for your life? What's your ideal vision for your life in five to 10 years? Simply asking these questions will deepen your friendships. Another great way to see if you share a North Star is to send your friends whatever book or video inspired your big dreams. Some people won't look at it Others won't like it like you did, but for a few, it'll inspire them just like it inspired you. And now you have a friend who shares your North Star and wants to pursue that dream vision with you. The next thing that can turn a friendship into a lifelong friendship is being a lifeline, offering support and help in a time of need. For an extreme example, listen to Matt Damon tell the story of getting attacked in high school by a student way bigger than him.

So before I knew it, it was like I was on the ground, he was above me, and I was like, this is going to be bad. And it was right then that little five foot two Ben Affleck tackled this dude off of me, literally at the risk of his own Life.

It's been 30 years since that fight, but you can see the memory still means a lot to men.

But I remember that was like a big moment going like, this guy is like, he will. He will put himself in a really bad spot for me. Like, this is a good friend.

And if someone already likes you and then they see you're willing to sacrifice for them or take a risk for them, it can create a powerful bond.

Because there's never been a time that I called on him and asked him for his help, that he wasn't the first responder. But just know, whenever you call on me, I will come because you have been one of the greatest friends that I've made in 35 years.

Now, not everyone you support and help will reciprocate. Some will be selfish and some will take you for granted. You should never give to someone expecting or demanding something in return. But if you're supportive and generous with your friends, it is very likely they will love you for it. And then based on their behavior, you can decide who you want to be close with and who you want to keep as an acquaintance or filter out of your life. Being a lifeline doesn't always require a huge sacrifice. When someone is having a hard time, sometimes all it takes is letting them know you love them and you're here for them.

I now, like, see resilience as, like a major quality in friendship. When your stock is down, if they're still wanting to hang out, that's like. And I know who those people are now. It's really fun.

There was a few critical times which are private and I don't want to share, but which where your support was so profoundly meaningful to me that I don't think I would have been able to be successful with that.

So now in your ideal close friendships you won't just have two people who help each other achieve their goals or support each other through tough times. You'll also have mutual vulnerability. Two people who feel seen, accepted as you are and loved without judgment. How can you create this? There's three pieces to this and they feed off each other. The first piece is a willingness to share honestly. Prioritize being honest over looking good. Often you'll have to go there first before the other person will follow you. So share yourself fully, including things that you're scared will make you look flawed. The second piece is a willingness to accept honesty in return. Friends won't always agree with each other. You have to be open to hearing the other person's honest truths. Long term standing in the gap. No matter what, I'm here for you, gonna tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it.

We can go to one another and the other person will give like very loving advice to. I mean, you've left me messages before where you'll say, lady, I think it's you. I think you're wrong. Actually, I have to be honest. We're a safe space for each other.

The third piece, which is crucial if you want complete authenticity from your friends, is a lack of judgment and an underlying sense of acceptance. Even if you think a friend is making a decision that's bad for them, give that feedback in a way that makes it clear your advice is for them for their sake, but you're here for them no matter what, even if they do make the mistake you're trying to help them avoid. Now, if you think the person is doing something morally wrong, you shouldn't pretend you're okay with it. At that point, your advice may hurt the friendship. But if they're doing something you think is truly awful, that's probably for the best. After all, your goal isn't to have as many friends as possible. It's to have deep, meaningful friendships with the right people. Now for the last chapter in today's video. How to maintain your close friendships for decades. The first step to maintaining a decades long friendship is getting good at constructive conflict. Most people have an avoidant strategy for conflict. Don't say anything. Pretend there's no problem. Don't make it a big deal. This works if it's something you're willing to put up with forever. After all, no friend will be perfect. But ask yourself, if this Never changes for 10 years, how will you feel? Will you still want to be this person's friend? Or will the small fight you're avoiding Today become a huge source of negative feelings and ultimately ruin the friendship. If it's the latter, you're much better off learning the three steps of constructive conflict. First, set a loving container. Let them know that you want to talk to them because you value the friendship. You're not blaming them. They're not bad. You love them. That's why you want to talk to them. Lead with love and you'll be shocked how much better your conflicts go. Second, make the conflict about a specific behavior, not the person. It will look something like this. What you don't want to do is go beyond addressing a specific behavior and attack your friend's character or personality. Are you so insecure that you have to pull that crap? The third step in construct even actively tried to sabotage each other. Instead, they rooted for each other other and are still friends today. If jealousy is something you struggle with, you should check out our video on happiness from last month, which I'll link to in the description. When you're genuinely happy with your own life, it's much easier for you to be happy for your friends. The next key to maintaining a strong friendship for years is to expect and embrace change. People will grow and change. If you hope they'll stay exactly the same as they are, you are going to be disappointed. And if you try to keep them stagnant and hold them still as their old self, frozen in time, they'll start to distance themselves from you. Instead, encourage them to change in the ways that they want to and then see if the new things that excite them also excite you. For example, Ben Affleck has a new passion, one that has taken over the number one spot where acting used to be. He wants to make a film studio that gives equity to everyone involved in the film.

I want to make the second act of my life to create a really meaningful, robust company that develops a new model that tells stories in a different way, prizes artists in a different way, including behind the camera.

When someone changes the North Star that you've shared with them for decades, it can be jarring and it can hurt a friendship. But rather than Matt trying to keep.