Talking About My Biggest Frustration

There is an incredible scene in the show Shogun, and it highlights a psychological battle I have fought my whole life. So in this video, I want to share what exactly that battle is, how it ruins most people's lives, and three questions that I used and recommend you use that will help you to avoid that outcome and change your life for the better. But let's get back to Shogun, because this will all make a lot more sense when you watch that battle play out on screen. So in the scene, we have John Blackthorne, who is this Englishman, and he is shipwrecked in Japan in the early 1600s.

My name is John Blackthorne. I'm English pilot of the Erasmus.

And he's talking with his interpreter, Mariko. Now, Mariko is miserable because she is living her life entirely for other people. She's married to this guy that she just hates and has gotten so bad that she does not want to live. So Blackthorne, being this Western explorer individualist, says this to her.

You died to avenge your father. You'd live in anguish to spite your husband. Which is it? What becomes of you? My life is mine and yours is yours. If you can't see that, you'll never be free of this prison.

When I watched this scene, I was nodding along in total agreement because this is my philosophy. I want to be free. I want to live my. My life. Trying to please others and live up to social expectation has basically felt like a prison for as long as I can remember. But Mariko's response to him, I swear it made my heart drop.

It is you who is imprisoned. Freedom is all you ever live for. You will never be free of yourself.

I want to say bars here, but I'm too old for that, so I'll just say, ouch. Just so, so dead on. Because yes, I can confirm maximal freedom can easily turn into an insatiable pursuit of more, more, more. And that could be a $10 billion step. And I eventually want to be the anchor of the first trillion dollar company.

You'll.

You'll just.

You'll never get enough. You're just going to make yourself more and more thirsty.

Like when I set my first goals. Quitting the job that I'd hated, starting my own business, working on my charisma. That was all so thrilling, so fulfilling. 10 out of 10, definitely, definitely rec. But there came a point where that way of being expired. I had hit my real goals. And setting new ones for more revenue or more subscribers felt empty. My first goal was say, 100,000, and then a million And I just watched the goal posts get moved while my satisfaction with the completion of those goals did not rise. But with no worthy goals to orient me, I was also rudderless and lost. I had all of this freedom and nothing worthy to do with it. So like Mariko said, I was in a prison of my own making.

It is you who is imprisoned. If freedom is all you ever live for, you will never be free of yourself.

That's when I started to wonder. What if Blackthorn and Marco are both right? What if the real trap is thinking that we have to choose one or the other? I've lived thinking about that for years at this point. And I've gone back and forth trying to figure it out. One moment it was believing Maro's right. Maybe freedom leads nowhere. So just get back to helping other people and find meaning in that. And then the next, I would swing all the way back to the Blackthorn. Maybe I hadn't aimed my personal ambition high enough. I needed more goals. It's been years of me going back and forth in that. And I want to let you know what I've come up with, because it feels really good. I believe that many of us grew up like Mariko. We thought that if there was any social disharmony, it was our fault. So we adjusted ourselves to try to make things in our families and friend groups go more smoothly. That meant doing whatever we had to in order to fit in and be liked. So we developed these functioning social relationships by becoming what other people wanted from us.

You've made your point. There's no need to die for it.

There is every need. It is the very reason my father kept me alive.

This is a superego driven life. The question that we're constantly asking in this way is what should I be doing? Or what will make the people around me like me more and love me? Now, this can work for a while. It gets you solid relationships. But it will feel awful at some point. Maro can attest.

Do not be fooled by our politeness, our bows, our maze of rituals. We need it all. It could be a great distance away.

So I and many others snap to the other direction.

Give the guns to Fujisama. She's your consort. She will give her life to defend them.

I could damn well defend myself.

I'm gonna do me. I'm not gonna do what you want. I'm gonna do what I want. Which means separating from our prior group in some way. It was only when I studied abroad that I created that space to break out of the Sweet shy boy identity. Because if you don't do that disconnection in some way, the expectations of the people around you are are usually too heavy for you to break out of and embrace the freedom to define yourself. But I do think that that phase that I went through of living your life ferociously separate from the expectations of others, that Blackthorn way of living is a coping strategy. Just like the strategy of doing whatever it takes to fit in that Mariko way is a coping strategy. First we're anxious Marikos, then we're avoidant Blackthorns and we become that Blackthorn avoidant. Because living as Mariko hurts so much much, but living separately hurts too. So most people spend their lives tipping back and forth, ping ponging between these strategies. And they only shift when one extreme hurts too much. Just to repeat the cycle over and over again. And yes, I'm telling on myself here. And so I got, I got turned off to the whole process of trying to grow past a certain point of enough except, and I hope that you have experienced these. There are those few poetry precious moments where you're doing exactly what you want and it winds up being what is most valuable for other people. If you think of this as a Venn diagram with Blackthorn and Mariko, self and other, there is that little sliver of overlap in the middle. And when you hit it, it is the most amazing feeling. And it usually comes as a surprise. For instance, I had no plan to help anyone when I quit my job and moved to Brazil. I was just focusing on solving the biggest problem in my life, which was relationships. And still to this day, they are. But it was fun to share what I was learning with others at the time. So I started writing and then making videos. I'm here on Ipanema beach answering reader questions ten years later without even meaning to. I have made more of a positive impact doing that, what I wanted than I'd ever imagined. And it all happened while I was living my own dream. It happened seemingly by accident.

Charlie, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and.

Hundreds of millions of people have benefited from your work. But actually, as I look back and I really think about it, it wasn't an accident. I actually think that's inevitable because when you align with what is most important to you, it is impossible not to be of service to others. That means that there is this way to combine the best of Mariko and Blackthorn. We're following your deepest, very personal desires is the greatest offering to the group. And the magic of this is that that Thing thin slice of the Venn diagram can grow. And that way, over time, just doing what you want lazily can become a gift to others, to your relationships, to your livelihood. That way you get more connected, you get more wealthy and more fully yourself. That is the freedom that I've always wanted, and I believe it is actually the way the world works. The catch is that you have to really connect with the deep you. That means deeper than your surface level ego, deeper desires. It's fine if you want money or status, but from what I've seen, I am most able to feel truly free when I step out of my survival fears that more, more, more money, more status, more whatever. And I drop into the things that I truly want. And I found that there are three orienting questions that help me get on that path to my deepest wants. So ask yourself right now, what would I do if I had $100 million? This is the question that led to me moving to Brazil in the first place. Second question, what would I do if I knew I couldn't fail and no one would be upset with me? When you break out of this, there's no social expectation. And this led to me throwing myself into uncomfortable social situations. The third, what gift do I most love giving? For me, it's that I basically wanted to be a big brother to myself. So I want to help versions of me that are three to five years younger. These questions are so powerful because they take you out of the fear that has you bouncing from anxious people pleasing to avoidant withdrawing. You're not back and forth with this Mariko Blackthorn dilemma of being imprisoned by the other and then yourself. You transcend that, and that means that you're able to become who you truly are, which is an individual like Blackthorn who embraces deep connection with others. Like Mariko, Blackthorn's selfishness becomes sovereignty. Mariko's servitude becomes service. You get the best of both worlds, and that little sliver of the Venn diagram can grow into a deep whole life of connection with self and other. So ask yourself those questions seriously write down the answers, but most importantly, live them. You do not need to know where the answers to these questions is going to lead you. I promise you, I did not. But it was the asking of those questions, the orienting towards them that led me, without having any sort of grand plan, to create charisma on command. And now when I ask those questions again today, they point me somewhere kind of new, which I don't know where that is yet, but it feels really exciting. I did charisma for five years before I made a dime. And I'm willing to do Dungeons and Dragons or explore psychedelics and open a clinic for five, ten years because it's, it's what I like to do. And by the way, if one of the things that you answered with that $100 million question is I want to feel more confident, I want to feel more charismatic, you might enjoy checking out my course, Charisma University. This is the 30 day program that I made so that developing charisma and confidence is as fast as possible. It's the thing that I wish that I had when I started years ago. And it's got a step by step action guide so that you know exactly what to do every single day for 30 days to guarantee massive results. And this is what just a few students have said about what they took from the course. I don't even have a bachelor diploma yet. They want me to fill this position. And when I asked why, this was the answer. You have great social skills, which is rare for an engineer. You can think quickly on your feet and you are open and self assured in your demeanor. Thank you so much for all that you have taught me. You have truly changed my life. Because without Charisma University, I wouldn't have qualified for that position in a million lifetimes. Or check out this student's experience with dating. Loving the course. I've liked a girl for over a year now, but never thought much of it because I thought she was just too pretty. Took your lessons, gave things a shot, and now we are dating. And try this one out for friendship. It has been truly incredible. I have instantly had results that seem insane. So many more meaningful conversations. My friendships have improved and my interactions with total strangers are a new, exciting, fulfilling thing. I want to recommend this to everyone. This should be in our basic education system. The whole course comes with a 60 day money back guarantee for any reason. So there's no risk if you want to just try it out. And honestly, if you like the channel, I recommend it. Either way. I hope that you've enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.