The Dark Side Of Mainstream Dating Advice

Almost all of our expectations about love and relationships have been set by Hollywood. The problem is that these movies are putting absurd ideas into our minds about what love really looks like, which can lead to some boneheaded decision making, maybe even ruining what could have been a great relationship. So in this video, we're going to look at eight ways that Hollywood ruins your relationships. And a caveat here. This goes against romantic conventional wisdom that is often espoused by friends, family and Instagram quotes. And I share it in the hopes that it improves the quality of your relationships. And even though a major theme is that I'm trying to take you off of love's rollercoaster, which actually brings us to the first point and the title of the video. Movies train us to substitute emotional intensity for emotional quality. This is the bipolar nature of Hollywood romance. You can think about it from a scale of minus 10 to positive 10 and a Hollywood romance lives at the extremes. For instance, the beast is awful to Belle, kidnapping her. And then they have their beautiful dance. Then they have to fight for love. And finally they are reunited. In the Notebook, Noah and Allie are head over heels in love, then painful, separated, then reunited with tons of drama to spare. And this scene displays it well visually.

They fought all the time and they challenged each other every day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.

The biggest offender here is probably Twilight. There are too many whiplash moments in the series to count. And the entire series is about the rush and obsession that comes with being together, followed by the suicidal depression that the characters experience when they're torn apart. Now, the list goes on and on, but the point is that these relationships are driven not by positive experiences, but by drama, as defined by the dramatic reversal of fortune. And to be fair, this goes back way before Hollywood. Romeo and Juliet, the most well known romance of all time, is a story about two 13 year olds who've known each other for five days before deciding to commit suicide when they can't be together. Now, you may inadvertently be chasing the same rollercoaster relationships and passing up on the ones that are just consistently good. Thinking that if there isn't drama, there must not be love. And you would be better served to aim for a genuine lack of drama in your relationships. Something that would make for an uninteresting movie can make for an incredible relationship. Now, our second point has to do with how we find our partners. Most movies pander to the fantasy that despite how bumbling, awkward and uninteresting others may find you the perfect person will magically take interest because they see the real you deep inside. Take Fifty Shades of Grey for example, where a 27 year old self made billionaire takes special interest in a socially awkward college student that's interviewing him for the school paper. The roles are reversed in the Girl Next Door, where the beautiful and spontaneous Danielle literally shows up on Matthew's doorstep to take him on crazy adventures, despite the fact that he demonstrates nothing interesting about himself.

So what's the craziest thing you've done lately? Oh, I mean, it's hard to tell, you know, because I've just done so much nuts stuff. I mean, it's just off the hook, off the walls. I mean, you haven't done anything, have you?

The fantasy here is that without changing anything, your dream guy or girl will pluck you up and whisk you into a magical life. Now the truth, which we all encounter every single day, is that one is going to pick you. If you're morose or uninteresting. If you want someone spontaneous, fun loving or accomplished, your best bet is to put in the effort to become that type of person. Otherwise, you won't even catch their eye when your paths do cross. Another early relationship trope that you will see is love at first sight. And it looks like.

I'm really very sorry.

And it's no mistake that in every version of this trope, from the Little Mermaid to Twilight or the Notebook, the person that's being seen is impossibly beautiful. Which is your first clue that love at first sight has far more to do with fleeting attraction than with long lasting love. Now, unfortunately, this makes us incredibly prone to mistaking attraction for love in our own lives. Then, like our favorite movies, we ignore the wise advice of our friends and justify sacrificing our values and goals in the name of love. Despite the swelling music that frequently accompanies these scenes, don't be fooled. It's not romantic and attractive. Attractive to be googly eyed for someone that you don't yet know. It's shallow and it's a disservice to the friends and the family who have probably been there for you your entire life. Now, one particular symptom of buying into the trope of love at first sight is the refusal to take no for an answer, which is our fourth point. Love in Hollywood is proven by ignoring rejection. Here's the Notebook's Noah asking Ally, for instance, to dance after seeing her just for a few seconds.

Why not? Because I don't want to.

Now, it would be fine if this was the end of it. But Noah, of course goes on to threaten suicide if Ally won't go on a date with him.

Oh my God. Okay, okay, fine. I'll go out with you.

And while she does give in in that scene, she winds up still avoiding him, which makes sense. But of course, Noah tracks her down in the street and presses her further. These are the behaviors of a stalker, and we see it romanticized in several other films. Pop Culture Detective has an entire video this stalking as love trope alone. Other times, the rejection that we see takes the form of self disqualification where the person says that they would make for a terrible partner. Here's Natalie Portman and no strings attached, clearly signaling that she's not interested in a loving relationship.

Why don't you go find some other girl who's not gonna hurt you? Because I love you.

But of course, the romantic plot insists that Ashton ignore her, which of course works out in the end. Part of Edward Cullen's entire mysterious appeal is that he says outright that he's not a good match.

What does that mean? It means if you were smart, you'd stay away from me.

In the real world, do yourself a favor. When someone tells you that they're bad for you, or not ready for a relationship, or just not interested, take them at their word. Now, of course, every relationship will have its rough patches. The standard way to handle these is our fifth crazy trope, and it's giving large unrequested gifts as a way to make amends. I've picked on this movie a bunch already, but the notebook is just repeat offender. So here it goes again for context. Noah dates Allie for one summer when they are 17 years old. They separate and over 10 years pass. Then Noah sees Ally and discovers that she's happily engaged to her wonderful fiance. So Noah completely rebuilds the house where they lost their virginity in an attempt to win Ally back. Because the plot demands it, this works. They live happily ever after. Similarly, John Cusack blasted a boombox over his head to get back with his girlfriend and say anything. And public declarations of love, like in Crazy Stupid Love, are commonplace in these films. The problem here is twofold. First, if you've ended a relationship with someone, it gives the impression that a grand gesture should be grounds for reconsideration. Which of course ignores the fact that many people can be great at grand gestures and completely weak on the day to day joy that makes a relationship worth having in the first place. The other issue is that we learn to pursue partners who won't accept a Simple, heartfelt apology. When we've done wrong, we joke that someone might be in the doghouse without recognizing that their partner is holding the relationship ransom pending the delivery of a large, often expensive gift. So when a partner won't forgive, you are better off apologizing and then granting them the space they've requested, rather than trying to Hollywood your way back into their life. Now, I mentioned Ally's fiance in the last bit, which is our sixth point, and it's that according to Hollywood, pursuing someone who is currently in a relationship is romantic and not at all doomed to failure. We see this in the Titanic, Wedding Crashers, even Casino Royale, though of course it's treated less romantically in his case.

You're not my type. Smart single.

In the Wedding Singer, it's made even worse by the fact that Adam Sandler is supposed to be helping Drew Barrymore in her wedding, not wrecking it. Now, any sort of moral compunction for breaking up a pre existing couple is avoided in these films, usually by making the significant other an irredeemable jerk. Wedding Crashers makes Zack a complete caricature of a prep school jerk, a cheating, entitled ass. But it's not solely on behalf of the other guy or gal that you don't want to spend time trying to break up existing couples. It's because it's very tough to feel secure in a relationship with someone who you know is willing to betray their partner. There are so many singles out there, and focusing on someone that's unavailable only reinforces a scarce mindset when it comes to finding love. Which brings us to our next point. Suffering, dependence, self sacrifice are all treated as indicators of love. In fact, there are often tests of love, like in A Knight's Tale where Jocelyn insists that William lose repeated jousts in order to prove his love to her. This is not without consequence, as William is injured to the point of being unable to walk afterwards. According to Twilight, the only way that you know a relationship was real is if you suffered deeply afterwards. The teenage Bella sits for a months long depression after Edwards leaves and affirms this point.

The pain is my only reminder that he was real.

Even the sisterly love in Frozen is defined by the willingness to sacrifice one's own life. What's common to all these scenarios is that love is proven by pain, and if you buy into that, it's exactly what you'll create in your relationships. You'll make opportunities for yourself and your partner to suffer as a testament to love. But there is another view on love that it's marked by acceptance, joy and mutual growth. That love can be so transformative that even when a relationship ends, both parties are happier, better people for having experienced it. And rather than co dependence with a beloved individual, love could be marked by a more positive approach to all of life, such that it weren't meaningless if that person were gone for some reason. But of course that lacks dramatic swings, so we don't see it on screen. And this takes us to the crux of all of this. What I believe is the most serious problem in so many of our movies, songs and novels. It's that a romantic relationship is the de facto solution to the problem of life. Specifically that we so often feel alone and incomplete. Hercules says it here.

Meg, when I'm with you, I don't feel so alone.

And the most romantic scene in Jerry Maguire is him reaffirming this point.

You complete me. And I just had. Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello.

Now, these movies deserve credit because they do get something right. Something does feel like it's missing for many people. But the answer is not necessarily romance. In fact, these movies often overlook what is probably a more foundational piece. For instance, family is often denigrated. Hercules gives up his family for a woman who has mostly lied to him and manipulated him. Ariel leaves her family behind after only three days with Prince Eric when she didn't even speak to him. Similarly, friends are often ignored or viewed as buffoonish impediments to the true prize of romantic love. Now, this isn't to say that intimate relationships are always bad. They can be wonderful. But the protagonist's willingness in these movies to give up their friends and family is a cop out of one of love's most important that it can heal and improve the sometimes difficult relationships with the people we've known the longest. Instead, Hollywood would have a search for new, magical significant others rather than understanding, forgiving and loving our family and friends. But beyond even friends and family, there is a deeper lesson that's not emphasized in most movies. And it's that self love is the foundation of a happy life and of a happy relationship. This means that instead of relying on others to fill you up, you give yourself the love and acceptance you've been conditioned to expect from a romantic partner. You learn to not feel lonely in your own company, to feel complete when you're not tied to someone else. And this allows you to let go of the narrow view of romantic love that would see you made lovesick for longing of a particular individual. And it opens up the possibility for a view of life and love that is less romantic but more heartwarming. The king of rom coms Hugh Grant says it the best if you look.

For it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

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