The Masculine Skill Modern Men Are Losing

There's a skill that solves almost all of the important problems in men's lives. But with each passing year, it seems like they're losing it faster and faster. Half of Gen Z men no longer actively even trying to date. They're not even trying. 62% of them have taken themselves out of the dating market. They're not even looking.

45% of men 18 to 25 have never approached a woman in person.

Never asked a woman out in person. A while back, I made a video showing how this problem is reflected in our culture's male fantasies. For instance, Jack Reacher, who is the most assertive, dominant action hero that you could ever imagine—

You're about to get your ass kicked. No, I'm just gonna break the hands of 3 drunk kids.

There's 4 of us. One of you's got to drive to the hospital. —never initiates anything romantically. He is entirely passive with his female leads. They have to make the first, second, and third move before finally throwing themselves at him. And what's What's really weird about this is that despite being hyper-masculine looking, Reacher attracts women the way that women typically attract men— not by initiating but by being so desirable that they come to him. Now, the fantasy is that she'll want you and chase you so that you never have to actually risk rejection by asking her out. And obviously, this can work. Looking better helps. Being extremely capable helps. But the problem is that by relying exclusively on this more passive mode of attraction, you're stuck in the passenger seat of your own dating life. You're waiting to be chosen instead of going after who you want. Now, the skill that men seem to be losing is much simpler than that. It's direct action. Instead of trying to become some ideal and waiting for what you want to come up to you, you just go after it. With dating, that means flirting with the woman that you like, asking her out, and initiating the first kiss. And unlike Reacher, there's one male fantasy character that actually does this. That's the Marvel character Matt Murdock, AKA Daredevil. And I know it's silly, the blind, fearless vigilante with super senses, but this character actually has a lot to teach about how to lead in romantic situations. So I want to make this video to help men lead romantically like this, especially for the younger guys who might be feeling confused by what I would consider incomplete advice from many influencers. But I'm not making this video just to talk about dating because how you approach this balance of indirectly attracting what you want, which is the typically feminine mode versus directly pursuing it, which is the typically masculine mode, will impact nearly every area of your life. And I want to be clear here, whenever you say masculine and feminine, we all use a mix of these modes in our lives, and masculine direct action doesn't occur without receptivity. You still have to listen to the moment, read her signals, and this is where Matt Murdock actually shines. Watch in this clip where Karen's giving off multiple signs that she's attracted to him. And yes, all of these signals are real-life signals that you can notice. These are things I didn't know when I was younger, so pay attention. How'd I do? Well, you've got potential. All right, here again.

Straight ahead, just real soft.

So notice if a woman is touching you and letting it linger a little bit longer than she needed to, or if she keeps playing with her hair, finding reasons to stand closer than the conversation requires. When I did the first video, I actually used The Girl Next Door as an example of direct action, but the problem with that scene, iconic as it all is, is that it doesn't show all of the earlier moments in the movie where the buildup happened. There is always this slower buildup of signals that are invisible to most young men who haven't been taught what to look for. So if you're seeing a bunch of these, there's a good shot that she is interested and it's time to take action, which is what Reacher almost always fails to do. He doesn't seem to know how to move from "just friends" to romance, so he just gets bigger and stronger and tougher and waits for something to happen to him, and because it's his show, ultimately something usually does.

You really wanna make me feel better? I got an idea.

Now in real life, there's actually 12 fairly common steps for how people generally move from strangers to friends to romantic partners. And zoologist Desmond Morris identified these in his book Intimate Behavior. His observation was that human attraction doesn't just jump from "I see you" to "We're kissing." It moves through a sequence of gradually increasing physical contacts. Now watch how Matt moves through these with Karen. He goes hand, shoulder, face, and then they kiss. And if any of those hadn't been well received, he could have just pulled back without either of them feeling super uncomfortable. You can compare that to what Most guys do. They spend hours in conversation and then wonder how to make their intentions known and it's not usually girl-next-door smooth; more often, it's an awkward end-of-date doorstep moment. That physical connection never grew and so that kiss feels like a huge leap and this is why the Reacher fantasy is so appealing. If you're unable or unwilling to lead through progressively more intimate connection, you're gonna want to exist in a world where she just takes you from stage 3 to stage 12 all while you just shower and think about your feelings. Now, you don't need to be a robot and follow the 12 stages exactly but the advantage of moving stepwise is that you're reading her the entire way. She leans in, you move forward. She pulls back, you just stay where you are. You always know where you stand. One practical thing: if you are planning a first date, I recommend you skip dinner across the table. Instead, find a way to go dancing or take a walk so that you can hold hands and if you do do dinner, at least sit catty-corner. This gives you a chance to make physical contact rather than just talking with this huge space in between you. But what if you do end up in one of these Reacher situations and she's the one making the move? First of all, congrats! But Reacher makes another mistake here. Shot at by hitmen and almost blown up.

I mean, to put it mildly, I've got some pent-up tension.

He again responds passively. She's coming towards him and he just sits there. When she's reaching for you and you're not reaching back, she's going to read that as disinterest and she will pull back. Watch what Matt does instead. "I win." "Yeah, first round, baby. We're just getting started." He matches her energy and he takes it up a notch. He's not passive in the face of her desire; he meets it with his own and then goes one step further. Whatever she's bringing, you bring it back and then lead. Now, everything that we've covered so far is about physical connection, but you're going to be starting with conversation, and that means flirting. Flirting sits right here in the sequence. Now, the way to think about flirting is that it has two seemingly opposite ingredients, and you actually need both. So the first is going to be playfulness—a lightness, a teasing, creating a fun vibe. And the second is forwardness. That's serious and it's building sexual tension, actually letting her know that you're interested. And as the name implies, that's gonna help you move your relationships forward from friends to more. Most men land hard on one side of this and tend to avoid the other. The guys who are all playful but never forward end up as the funny friend. They constantly make her laugh but they never date. She doesn't know that he's into her and there's zero tension. The guys who are only forward, only complimenting her, only asking her out, will move the relationship towards dating but it can come across as too intense or sometimes just boring. So the trick is balancing both. You can watch how Matt does this in the next clip when he's responding to Karen's question by playfully feigning ignorance but then he follows it up with forwardness in asking her out. So, uh, last night. Last night?

I don't know. What happened last night? Uh, Josie? Foggy? Something happened? Anything else?

Yeah, it was great and I like to think I can do better if we're still on for dinner. Uh, yeah. It's a date. Now, by balancing both of these elements, you'll keep the conversation fun and lively but also moving the relationship forward towards romance and dating. Now, to give you another example, here's what it looks like in a more real situation with Craig Ferguson and Diana Agron. Of course, it's a talk show for sure but just watch her reaction to Craig's forward compliment and then how he uses playfulness to defuse that tension. Are you being nice to me because you just saw a clip of me beating up a boy?

This may come as a surprise to you, but I am often nice to beautiful women. Well, that's nice. I am also European, though, so you can hit me with a tennis racket and I may enjoy it.

Now Craig does this again later, but this time his forward compliment is much more blunt. You can watch how he immediately brings in playfulness to balance that out.

You seem very even, sort of— I'm mellow. You're kind of gorgeous, actually. Yeah, you really don't— you don't have a 10? Don't applaud when I say that, it makes me look even creepier. This is what flirting tends to look like.

It's a balance of letting her know that you're interested while relieving that tension with fun, playful vibes. Because it isn't just jumping in for the kiss like in that Girl Next Door scene,— it's actually taking small, active, and attuned steps to create the moments you want. And that is exactly the skill that men seem to be losing across all areas of their life. So much of what is being sold to men right now is to become someone else's ideal. You have to get jacked, you have to get rich, you have to get status, you should become so irresistible that the life you want just falls into your lap. That's all instead of taking one direct and scary action that actually gets you what you truly want. But the guys who push this are never defining the life that they actually want. They just want to attract what everyone else seems to value so they want more money, they want more options, more status to seemingly no end. And if you don't know what you want, you can't go directly after it. You have to wait to be chosen. You have to stay passive while you do all of this other stuff. You don't need to make yourself first more jacked, more wealthy, or even more capable before moving. You just have to get clear on what you want and then take a step towards it—a small, active, attuned step which is just like flirting. Now if this pattern sounds familiar and if you can see the places in your life where you are waiting instead of just going for the thing, you may be interested in checking out our course Charisma University. It's our 30-day program that is designed to help you become the most confident and charismatic version of yourself. And here's what just some of the students have had to say: I've liked a girl for over a year now but never thought much of it because I thought she was just too pretty. "I took your lessons, gave things a shot, and now we're dating. And for friendship, I have instantly had results that seem insane. So many more meaningful conversations. My friendships have improved and my interactions with total strangers are a new, exciting, fulfilling thing." Here's another one. "I don't even have a bachelor's diploma yet, and yet they want me to fill this position. When I asked why, the answer was, 'You have great social skills, which is rare for an engineer. You can think quickly on your feet and you're you're open and self-assured in your demeanor. Without Charisma University, I wouldn't have qualified for that position in a million lifetimes. This is what I mean by going at directly what you want. And there's a 100% money-back guarantee. There are thousands of people that have taken the course, and I would love for you to be the next one. Either way, I hope that you've enjoyed this video, and I will see you in the next one.