The One Skill That Removes Social Fear

There is one belief that erases social fear. If you have this, you'll walk through life with total confidence and comfort like you own the world. And this has a light and a shadow side and you can see both of those sides in this clip of IShowSpeed.

Chow chow chow chow chow chow chow chow. Bark bark bark.

Now, obviously, the barking at strangers is the shadow side and is not something you should do but I do want to break down the light side of this belief that Speed has because if you have this, you will feel completely socially free, and that is the belief that no matter where you go, you belong.

I am now the mayor of Peru!

When you feel like you belong everywhere, impossible things become normal. You can keep your cool around people that you look up to because you belong with them, and you can create magic moments with strangers and walk with unshakable confidence wherever you go. Most of us, though, have a conditional sense of belonging, so we shrink from those big moments because deep down, we think we don't belong there and that's why I want to give you concrete steps to really feel like you belong and we're going to start with a simple question that will help you move into that mindset in any situation. Here it is: What if this stranger was already my friend? So if a stranger, in this case, Olympic sprinter Noah Lyles, was your friend, would you say hi to him like this?

Hey, how's it going? Noah. How are you? How you doing, Noah? Nice to meet you. Hey, how are you? What's up, man? Good to meet you, man.

Or if you were already friends, would you say hi like this?

Come here, give me some dap, man. Hahaha. Are you ready? How much you weigh? Let me feel them muscles. Let me see what I'm about to go against, man, okay? Whoo, are you ready, man?

When you imagine someone as your friend, you will naturally greet them with enthusiasm rather than shyness, and because of that, the entire interaction will go better. Now, importantly, this isn't reserved just for people of high status. You want to treat everyone with this mentality even if they're not someone that you can imagine you're going to get anything from. For instance, watch in this next clip when Speed is introduced to the mother of someone who's on his stream.

Hey, this is my mom. Your mom? Yes. Ew, Mom! Oh my god, give me some love, Mom. Wait, wait. Hey, Mom!

When you bring enthusiasm regardless of someone's status, you train your brain to be less reactive to status which is one of the biggest social superpowers and a huge unlock for most people. Now, enthusiasm is not the only thing that makes someone your friend. In fact, enthusiasm by itself can make you seem like you're just kissing up which tends to push people away and it can sound like this.

I think there's a production coming up of Oliver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was a dancer. I danced in college more for fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a writer for a magazine here. I modeled here for 3 years. No way. Well, that makes sense.

So when you're really treating a stranger as a friend, enthusiasm will be balanced with playful banter and you see Speed do this with just about everyone. For instance, rather than being just enthusiastic about being made mayor of Lima, Peru, he teases the current mayor and he says this—

Wait, I'm the mayor? For 1 hour. For 1 hour? Make it 2. Make it 2 hours. And this is my friend Porky. He's not the mayor anymore.

Similarly, when hanging out with Zlatan Ibrahimović, Speed plays around with him like this.

I think Ronaldo's the best. Okay. I think Ronaldo's the best. That's okay. That's me personally. Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? They called my name, not your name, boss. Oh, okay. Hey, hey, baby. Look, Speed.

Now, what marks a friend teasing you versus an enemy is that they're not trying to bring you down. They're not trying to improve their status at your expense. What they're trying to do is keep a game going and you can tell it's a game because Speed can dish it out as well as take it with a smile.

I won that, bro. I mean, I can pay for your doctor's appointment with your eye doctor. Bro, I— Whoa! First of all, buddy— I'm gonna go get my money.

Now, there is a danger to this teasing banter style though because if you don't feel like you belong in a group, you will subconsciously try to win at banter and this makes things worse. I think this is kind of what happened with the Brie Larson interview several years ago. She wasn't feeling that she belonged with the guys and that insecurity came through in trying to win at the banter rather than just playing with it.

So he does all the hard stuff and makes me look cool and then— but now I've told you, it doesn't make me look cool, does it? Because you know that I don't actually do it. Um, hey— You don't do— I do all my stunts. I did my stunts because I thought that that's what everyone did. Tom Cruise over here? No, I'll be the first me, not the next Tom Cruise. Thank you very much. Well, you know, I mean, he does his own stunts.

Now, if you find yourself in a situation like this where your jokes just aren't hitting the way that you intend, take a moment and ask yourself, "What if these people were already my friends? What if I didn't need to prove anything or do anything to raise my status?" That sense of belonging will help you relax into banter that people actually connect with and laugh at, and that's what I've seen from Brie in interviews where she's much more comfortable.

That's a lovely name, Brie. Is that really— are you named after a cheese? Yes, I am. Really? I'm named after a cheese. I get confused all the time. I walk into rooms and people are like, "Ah!" "Oh, wait, wait, wait." "I didn't know it was gonna be a human.

I thought it was gonna be a cheese." "No." "No!" This is kind of the core point that I want to make in this video because, yes, Speed has incredible skills that a lot of people don't. He is a phenomenal athlete and he really does exude an effortless charisma but all of us have natural charisma. We just tend to squeeze it down in situations where we feel like we have to earn earn belonging and that just makes it worse so we squeeze harder and pretty soon, we believe that some people have charisma and others, like us, just don't. Or we think that we can only be charismatic in certain situations which are never those high-pressure situations. So I want to leave you with one little mission to help unlock your natural and consistent charisma. Today, treat one stranger that you come into contact with more like a friend. Maybe that means that you bring enthusiasm to the greeting. Maybe some playful banter, or maybe you just enjoy the silence a little bit more without feeling any pressure to force conversation. Regardless of what you choose, let me know how it goes in the comments. I found that this friend mentality can be a very self-fulfilling belief. It's actually one that I see commonly in some of my most successful friends like Chris Williamson and Jack from the Iced Coffee Hour podcast. When we met, each of them treated me with assumed familiarity like we were already friends. And it made it so easy for me to like them, even though we were meeting at a time when I had a larger channel and it would've been easy for them to try to earn belonging with me. Here's me talking about my first impression with Jack. Remember one of the first things that I thought about you when I commented to my co-founder, I was like, that guy is super charismatic. Chris Williamson has the same thing, but like this perfect balance of familiar, friendly, complimentary about the thing, but also not seeking my approval.

That's funny.

Which is very rare in an event like that. It's very rare. So drop into the mindset that strangers are just friends that you haven't met yet. And if you're wanting the fastest way to develop more mindsets like this that'll help you unlock that natural consistent charisma, you may want to check out our course, Charisma University. It's a 30-day program full of missions just like this that take less than 5 minutes to do but have the cumulative effect of helping you be your natural charismatic self in those high-pressure moments. Students report huge shifts in just the first few days and here's what just a few of those students have to say about the course. I don't even have bachelor diploma, yet they want me to fill this position. And when I asked why, this was the answer: "You have great social skills, which is rare for an engineer. You can think quickly on your feet, and you are open and self-assured in your demeanor." Thank you so much for all that you have taught me. You have truly changed my life because without Charisma University, I wouldn't have qualified for that position in a million lifetimes. Or check out this student's experience with dating. Loving the course. I've liked a girl for over a year now but never thought much of it because I thought she was just too pretty. Took your lessons, I gave things a shot and now we are dating. And try this one out for friendship. It has been truly incredible. I have instantly had results that seem insane. So many more meaningful conversations. My friendships have improved and my interactions with total strangers are a new, exciting, fulfilling thing. I want to recommend this to everyone. This should be in our basic education system. Now, the course comes with a full money-back guarantee, so there's no risk to you trying. There are thousands of people that have improved their lives with Charisma University, and I would love for you to do the same. Either way, I hope that this video has helped you, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.