The Power Dynamic: How To Command More Respect

Game of Thrones appears to be about war and violence and grand flashes of power. But the person who ultimately wins the Game of Thrones will not be the best at riding dragons or fighting wars. Because as violent as Game of Thrones is, most of the power you see on screen isn't wielded with physical force. So even though Cersei says things like knowledge is power.

Seize him. Cut his throat. Stop. Await. I've changed my mind. Let him go. Power is power.

She actually acts like this.

No, I won't do it.

Yes, you will. You're still fertile. You need to marry again and breed.

I am Queen Regent, not some broodmare.

You're my daughter.

You will do as I command and you will marry Loras Tyrell.

Father, don't make me do it again, Please.

Not another word.

It's the same in our world. Power is not always enforced physically. It comes from these tiny mini conflicts that are occur under the radar in something that I call the four W's. And these mini conflicts are why less physically capable players like Tyrion have a very strong chance of winning the Game of Thrones. So in this video, we're going to explore these mini power conflicts in a conversation between Tyrion and Daenerys. And you're going to see why Tyrion is such a force to be reckoned with and how you can use his principles in your own life. So let's go ahead and start with the four W's of power. The first W controlling when things occur. Notice how Danny chooses exactly when the silence will be broken in this next clip.

Your Grace, I want to say you.

Will not speak in this scene. Tyrion and Jorah are completely at Dany's mercy because Jorah betrayed her and Tyrion is from a family that she hates. She's Queen and she has all of the power in this situation. And the scene shows how she lets that silence sit for a while to emphasize her power. When Jorah interrupts the silence, she tells him to be silenced, effectively deciding when the interactions begins. And what this shows is the importance of sitting easily in silence. That conveys power, which is something that other characters really struggle with. Maybe you do, too. So check out Joffrey vs. Tywin. And notice who fidgets more when there's silence.

I'll make sure you understand that when I've won your war for you.

My father won the real war. He killed Prince Rhaegar. He took the crown while you hid on a costly rock.

The king is tired. See him to his chambers. Grand Maester, perhaps some Essence of nightshade to help him sleep.

I'm not tired.

Come. The power dynamic here is obvious. Less movement means more power because movement means that that person is reacting to the other person. Clearly the one who is in control, who is not reacting is Tywin. And that is the point of the first W. If you control when a meeting starts, when it ends, and if you can sit comfortably with silence, then you are taking control of that first W. We're going to talk specific tips for your own life at the end. But for now just note that Daenerys wins round one in terms of handling the timing. Tyrion and Jorah are there when she wants them to be there and the convers starts on her timing. So let's now go to round two and the second W who matters more. I discussed in another video how Tyrion is excellent at finding what other people want and making himself valuable in that end. He's also excellent at making himself seem like he is the important one in any interaction. So watch now as he makes himself seem highly, highly important by acting like he is screening Danny for a chance to work with him.

I am the greatest Lannister killer of.

Our time, so I should welcome you into my service because you murdered members.

Of your own family into your service. Your Grace, we have only just met. It's too soon to know if you deserve my service.

This type of screening occurs all the time in real life. Typically, an interviewer is going to ask why an applicant is a good fit. But a good job applicant is going to flip that at some point and say wait a second, why should I come work at this company? A buyer typically will ask why should I buy your product? But a salesman's going to say why should we work with you? This is how people who might be in a disadvantage from the situation elevate their status and convey that they are the best choice. Now, oftentimes the who is more important question is going to be answered non verbally. So watch this example of Tywin and Joffrey to see how physical space makes each person feel more or less important. Your Grace, clearly this scene is shot in a way that makes Tywin come across as inferior. Joffrey is lounging above him while Tywin stands beneath. And indeed, this is how so many job interviews are set up. They have the nice chair you sit in, the crappy one. Clubs too are set up like this, with tables in off limits areas, velvet rope, all that kind of stuff. In these situations you are at a disadvantage as long as you stay in the inferior position, or which can be very tough to switch out of. Watch, though, in this clip, as Tywin recognizes his social inferiority in the situation and completely changes the power dynamic by refusing to stay in that literally lower position.

So if I wanted to attend a council meeting, I would now have to climb all the stairs in the tower of the Hand.

We could arrange to have you carried.

And you see how quickly that bravado switches to nervous fidgeting, which is excellent acting on Jack Gleason's part. But the point is that ideally, that's what we should do when we find ourselves in analogous situations. Without making a big deal of it, you can break the social ritual that reinforces the uneven power dynamic. So I mentioned interviews before, just to give you an example. One of the things that I know worked really well when I was doing consulting interviews was using the written part of the case interview as an excuse to change your seating position so you could slide over adjacent to the interviewer to show your work, kind of like a teacher would with a student. And that simple shift from moving from across the table to next to them made it feel like you weren't just proving yourself to them, but working together and they would feel it too. The root of creating this kind of importance and status for yourself, though, isn't just in saying, well, why should I work with you? And then switching physical positions to actually elevate your status. You need a deep seated belief. Because like Varys says, power resides where.

Men believe it resides. It's a trick, a shadow on the wall. And a very small man can cast a very large shadow.

So in order to have power, you need to believe that you have power, which is Joffrey's problem with Tywin. Now, you don't need to be like Joffrey. This isn't about feeling morally superior. It isn't about believing that matter more than other people. It simply means that you believe that you do not need any specific person, that you have options that you may want to create a relationship with, a job interview or a buyer, a boss, a date, whatever, but that you'll be fine whether you do or don't. Now, this can be tough to pull off when your life is on the line, like it is with Tyrion in so many of his encounters. But in terms of the situations that I've mentioned, job interviews, dates, sales, your best bet is to mentally review the reasons that you don't actually need the other person. It's to mentally review all the options that you really do have. Then you can move forward from A position of it would be nice to get the job, to work together, to go on a second date, but you won't come across as powerless and needy. So anyway, let's go back to Tyrion's position and explore the third w what you focus on. Watch how Dany asks Tyrion a question and rather than shooting back with a straight answer, answering it in her terms, he begins a story.

If you'd rather return to the fighting pit, just say the word.

When I was a young man, I heard a story about a baby born during the worst storm in living memory. She had no wealth, no lands, no army, only a name.

See how Tyrion doesn't directly respond to her comment, but instead tells a long winded story. He is controlling the agenda now Dany's listening intently because it's interesting to her. The story has a bit of mystery. Where is he going with this? What is the point? And she puts together very quickly that he's talking about her so it immediately becomes relevant to her. And now Tyrion has her listening to him exactly the way that Jorah wanted her to at the beginning. You in your own life can direct what people focus on in a bunch of ways. You can tell a fascinating story, especially one with mystery, or teach them something they didn't know. The point is to take their attention in any way that you can get them on the edge of their seat. Because once you've gotten that attention, you can redirect it wherever you want. In the case of this clip, Dany goes right where Tyrion wants her to. As soon as he finishes, she asks him why she should keep him around. So check out what happens.

And then a few years later, most well informed person I knew told me that this girl without wealth, lands or armies had somehow acquired all three in a very short span of time along with three dragons. He thought she was our best last chance to build a better world. Thought you were worth meeting at the very least.

And why are you worth meeting?

It might seem like she's still attacking him, but now they're at least talking in an area that Tyrion has dominance over. How he can help her reclaim Westeros. He is an expert because he lived there and she's not. He shifted the what of the conversation from maybe I should kill you to how can you help me? Just with a simple story. So round three who goes to him and from here so does the rest of the conversation as he hammers home his social status by screening her.

When I served as Hand of the King I did quite well with the latter, considering the king in question preferred torturing animals to leading his people. I could do an even better job advising a ruler worth the name, if that is indeed what you are, and.

Then moving up the stairs to switch the dynamic from one of an interrogation to actually advising her.

Did he have an opportunity to confess his betrayal?

Yes, many opportunities.

And you can see that at this point, Tyrion has gotten what he's wanted, he is advising her, and she's listening to him. So the final and fourth W is where clearly Dany had this one sealed from the get go. She started on her home turf with her guard surrounding her perched atop a throne. But just to illustrate how powerful location can be, contrast her power plays when she isn't in such a dominant location. It may go without saying, but you want people on your turf. If they're not, guide them to your turf. Have a first date at a place where you know the people who work there. Hold a meeting in your office. In short, whenever possible, do things in places where you have status. Now, Tyrion probably doesn't think of it like this, but he has a very, very firm command of these four W's. And even when he's physically outmatched, he's often able to snatch back power from winning these mini conflicts over the four W's. When he can't control when the conflict occurs, he shifts to what the person focuses on. If he can't control where the conflict occurs, he subtly changes who is more important in your own life. You can start to notice these four W's and how they affect if you get what you want. The most actionable piece of advice I can give you though, is to get your mindset in the right place. And you do that by focusing on what you bring to the table that is unique in any interaction. You do that by focusing on the options that you always have, whether it's a job interview, a sales pitch, a first date. Never walk into any of those situations feeling like you need something, because that is the fastest way to communicate that you can be walked all over and you will be get your mindset back to your options. Be willing to walk if things don't work out and you'll do better just about every single time. And just so you don't make the same mistake that I did years ago. Not everything in life should be viewed as a power game where there's a winner and a loser. It's a helpful perspective for seeing how you can be more assertive, but don't get obsessed about it. You've Got to balance an eye for power dynamics with a realization that sometimes the best way to win is just to ignore power dynamics altogether. I apologize if that's a little bit too Zen for you. If you want me to talk more about that in another video, let me know. But in the meantime, if you're looking for something more concrete, we set up another video that covers the four emotions that guarantee a great first impression every single time. If you hit those in the right order, doesn't matter whether you're in a bar, a club, a boardroom at work, it doesn't matter. These make an amazing first impression on anyone because they're based on the emotions that generate that. So if you're curious what those emotions are, go ahead, click the box. It's gonna take you to a page where you can drop your email and you'll get immediate access to that video and you'll understand what those four emotions are. Also, if you've enjoyed this video and you haven't done so yet, go ahead and click the button on screen to subscribe to the channel. We don't always do Game of Thrones breakdowns. I love Game of Thrones. I'm happy to do more if that's what you guys like. But really, at its core, this channel is about how to be your most charismatic and confident self, and we're gonna cover that in the best way possible. So sometimes that means advice videos with me on camera, sometimes that means Game of Thrones breakdowns, and other times that means me breaking down famous celebrities that really are charismatic. So if you have a suggestion as well of someone that you'd like to see me cover, maybe someone on Game of Thrones or just a topic, go ahead and write that in the comments. That stuff is so helpful to me. This channel exists because you watch, and I want to make the things that are going to be most helpful to your life. So please subscribe to the channel. Let me know what you want to see in the comments or upvote somebody else's comments. So I know that that is the thing. In any event, I really appreciate you guys watching. Looking forward to the next video, and I hope to see you there.