The Underrated Social Skill You Need to Master

The most underrated social skill is so invisible that it looks like nothing. And it is so uncommon that I've made hundreds of videos on this channel and I haven't covered it yet. And it's mostly about what you do not do. Here it is.

We don't have to talk, man. I can just sit here with you for a minute.

When people are having a hard time, they're usually met with well meaning interruptions. Like, you'll get through this. Just remember how strong you are. But what is needed most in those moments is not fixing, advising, or encouraging, but the strength and presence to simply hold space. And in this video, I want to talk to you about how you can use the skill of holding space to become adored for your quiet presence and appreciated by everyone you choose to share this gift with. For context, Sean Strickland is opening up to Theo Vaughn about his childhood abuse. But notice in this next clip how his emotions seem disconnected from the story he's telling.

I'll never forget you always tell people, the first day I trained, I got the kicked out of me. Covered in blood, bro. Like, first moment in my life I ever felt happiness. I'd sleep under the bed, you know, I'd sleep by the door because I thought my dad was gonna kill my mom. So, like, just laying underneath the bed, like, as they're fighting, because I think my dad's gonna kill my mom.

Wow, he was that violent.

Yeah, he's just coward, you know, you'll.

See this in your own life when people tell emotionally charged stories with a flat affect. And this is often a sign that they are dissociating. The experience is so painful that they haven't fully let themselves feel it, but they're telling it because it is seeking to be heard. And if you stay with it, oftentimes the underlying emotion will break through.

Dude, I remember, like, laying in bed. Like, I remember I stopped believing in God, man.

Like.

Like I have. Yeah, it's crazy, dude. Crazy.

Yeah.

These moments, admittedly can be jarring. And to be clear, you are under no obligation to hold space for that you don't feel comfortable with. But if you do want to offer support, the first step is to switch conversational modes. You see, most of the time, we are in relating mode. You crack a joke, I elaborate on it. You tell a story, I tell a story of my own. This channel is mostly about that relating mode, and Theo is clearly still in it here.

It's okay, man. It's a lot of that sad, dude. I used to be scared at night, like, I used to stand up, like, I heard when I was a kid that, like, if you peed around your, like, animals could pee somewhere that other animals wouldn't come. You know I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about, huh?

Yeah.

Have you ever heard that?

It's clear that Sean is still in the pain of his memories. And this is where you can move to the mode of holding space that is shifting out of the you go, I go mode into one of sitting patiently in a non judgmental present state. When you're holding space, you're listening to another person without an agenda to fix them, change them, or even make them feel better.

Yeah. I'm sorry, bud.

So.

I'm sorry, buddy.

It's all good deed.

This is hard. We see someone that we care about, and it is natural to be triggered into offering advice or telling them that it's not their fault. But all of this can take people out, out of their experience and stop them from sharing the vulnerable thing that they're about to share. It can make them feel like there's something wrong with them for not being okay. In fact, people are so used to being rescued in these moments that they'll often reflexively say that they're fine just to avoid the other person trying to make them fine.

I'm sorry, buddy.

That's all good, dude.

This is a defense mechanism to weed out those who can and can't hold space for the enormity of what they are experiencing. You don't need to respond here. Just listen and gently affirm that you're open to sitting with them. I'm just gonna let this next section play out because Theo's handling of this is beautiful and because his silence is the gift. See, if you can just feel it.

We don't have talk, man. I can just sit here with you for a minute.

Six sec.

I can just sit here. We can just sit here.

It's all good. Six seconds. I just process it. I think some hard things that people don't understand, like trauma, you know?

Yeah.

Now, there's a real subtlety of when and how to speak in these situations. Because holding space isn't about sitting there and being mute. It's about whether you're trying to escape the discomfort of the situation or if you're down, to just be in it without taking on the other person's burden. We've seen what are called empathetic interruptions from Theo that have this quality of willingness to just be in it. And you can see that Sean responds by feeling More each time.

We don't have talk, man. I can just sit here with you for a minute. It makes me sad, dude. No, it just makes me sad that a kid has to feel that way, you know?

Yeah. So like any kid, whenever Drus goes on there and like, he jokes about that, right? It's like, dude, you have no idea.

But there's also interruptions where Theo begins speaking for Sean or speaking from his own discomfort. Absolutely no shade here to Theo because he handled the situation incredibly well. But I. I want to show you these so that you can see how well attuned someone in this state is to the quality of your presence. And you can see how even just a little bit of less than empathetic interruption to that presence can cause them to enter into their defensive patterns.

Like, I remember I have a hole in my gum. Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to scratch my gum and I have a hole in my gum, you know.

Just from being nervous and stuff.

Just anxiety, you know? Yeah. Even to this day. Yeah, I made the day, dude. Like, I'm a grown ass man. I don't give. I mean, you could post this. I don't care.

Oh, dude, I don't have any.

No, it's all good.

Switch modes. Gently offer to listen and interrupt only from a place of presence. It's simple, but not easy. And the incredible power of holding space in this way is why good therapists mean makes so much money and why a friend who can offer this is worth their weight in gold. Now, if you're interested in mastering those other two modes, relating and sharing, so that your social confidence goes through the roof, you may want to join Charisma University. It's a step by step program that tells you exactly what to do every day, so that 30 days from now, you radiate confidence and charisma naturally, without even thinking about it. And rather than tell you about the program myself, here's just a few things that past members have said. Before. I wasn't truly confident. I was constantly seeking validation and cared too much about other people's opinions. But now my life has improved tremendously because of Charisma University. I find it way easier to connect with people, to have great interactions, and to be happy, even if things don't go the way I want them to. Taking this course has been one of the most impactful decisions of my life. I can't recommend it enough. Another member writes, I am way more confident now, having gone through the daily action guides, and I can see a big difference in the attention and respect that I get it makes life so much more fun. I don't think it's an overstatement to say charisma is literally a gateway to anything you want in life. So thank you for making Charisma University. Now, this course is guaranteed to boost your confidence and charisma massively. So you can go through the entire course, and if you don't think it's worth every penny, you can get a full refund right from inside the program. So if you want to see if it's right for you, click the link on screen now or in the description below. Either way, I hope that you enjoy this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.