This Is How to Command Respect Without Asking for It

The more you try to get respect, the less of it you will probably wind up with. And I know that might sound weird, so let me be more precise here. Yes, you can absolutely learn to command more respect, but many of the most common ways people go about that just lead to them getting way less of it. So I want to break down 3 of those most common respect-killing moves, and we're going to be using characters from The Peaky Blinders to illustrate those, including showing the better way from Tommy Shelby himself. But first, we're going to start with the first respect killer coming from the Digbeth Kid. Now, for context, this is someone who has come to Tommy looking for work.

"No, I'm Digbeth Kid." "The Dig—

what are you, a boxer?" "Digbeth Kid, like Billy the Kid." "What are you—?" "Wait, wait, it's not a real gun." So the Digbeth Kid, as he calls himself, comes in with a fake name and a fake gun. He knows he's meeting Tommy Shelby, and so he's trying to appear dangerous, but his body language gives him away. You can see his twitchy prey-like movements. He shuffles from foot to foot, He can't decide where to look and he holds his hat across his body like he's afraid of taking up too much space. We've talked about this on the channel before, but these herky-jerky prey-like movements that you might see in a squirrel instantly signal internal unsafety. So to avoid this, you can maintain eye contact, slow down your movements, and open up your stance. And you see Tommy doing this throughout this entire video in comfortable settings and in high-pressure situations. Please allow me put a bullet in this scum tinkerer's head.

No. He's been chosen. Could the chosen one smoke?

But back to the kid. He is attempting to portray the facade of a hardened criminal because he thinks it's gonna get him a job, but the facade actually causes a problem.

You ever been arrested? Yeah. Yeah? No. Good. You're the first bloke we've had in here today with no criminal record.

You see, the tough guy act nearly loses him the job. It's only when he drops that and admits he's never been arrested that he gets what he wants because his idea The idea of what they're looking for is the complete opposite of what Tommy needs. And this is just as true in all of our lives. It can be very tempting to change what you say or how you act to appeal to others, especially in job interviews or dates or when you're talking to someone that you admire. And in the short term, yes, it might work out, but those facades have gaps, and eventually the gaps will get exposed. And when those cracks show, the whole thing usually backfires. So the first respect sin that you want to cut out is don't try to be what you think think others want. In fact, holding true and saying what you won't give other people often creates more respect. This works because people trust and respect consistency. Whatever short terms that you gain from morphing yourself to become what other people want will just cost you respect when that consistency breaks down the line. And that brings us to the second respect issue coming from Billy Kimber.

Is there any man here named Shelby? I said, is there any man here named Shelby?

Gimber enters loud and brash, and many people think this is how you command respect—by dominating everyone else in the room. The problem is that this inevitably creates a combative frame where one side wins and the other side loses. If you do this, you're gonna either wind up surrounded by yes-men that are down to lose all the time, or in an argument. Either way, you've got extremely fragile respect. Tommy avoids this trap by rejecting the combative frame. "Gotta get these men a drink. Everyone else go home." By not reacting to the gunshot with fear or anger and instead calmly ordering drinks, he turns this confrontation into a discussion. And you can follow the same playbook when you sense someone is trying to get a rise from you with some sort of insult or a threat, and it's a surprisingly simple move that pulls others into your frame. You can watch how Tommy does it here. I'm told the boss is called Tommy, and I'm guessing that's you because you're looking me up and down like I'm a fucking tart.

I want to know what you want.

You see, the frame of an insult or a threat is that you need to match their energy. You have to reply super quickly and intensely in order to win in this combative frame. But pausing before you speak, usually for 3 to 5 seconds, up to 10 or 15 if you need it, will allow you to reset the frame. Frame. You could take a breath, center yourself, and then respond instead of react. And to be clear here, a reaction means that you are being totally pulled into that other person's frame. You're allowing them to set the tone and then dictate your behavior. But a response means that you take in what the other person has said but you're maintaining your frame. You're replying on your own terms. Now, Billy Kimber doesn't respond, he reacts to any perceived challenge. Which one am I talking to?

Which one of you is the boss? I'm Mr. Kimber's advisor and accountant. And I'm the fucking boss, okay? I am Billy Kimber!

I run the races! And here he is demonstrating what might be termed the Joffrey Rule, which is that if you have to insist on your status in any situation, you don't have status.

I am the king! Any man who must say, "I am the king," is no true king.

This highlights a key difference between Tommy and Kimber and the types that we encounter like that in the world. Kimber fights and argues to be respected. Tommy never does. So many people think that being respected means insisting upon it all the time. You can't let anyone get away with disrespecting you but there's always going to be people who want to undermine you, play status games, or just casually disrespect you without even thinking about it. If you get defensive or you overreact, you will just come across as insecure. So when these sorts of challenges come, it doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong. You do not You don't need respect from every single person and you don't need to win every interaction. Just take a breath, ignore the bait, and maintain your frame, which brings us to the third issue coming from Inspector Campbell. For context here, Campbell and Tommy are meeting to negotiate. Now, watch how Tommy opens this conversation.

I'm a businessman. I want to make my business successful. So we're on the same side.

I think perhaps we could be. Tommy is direct. He says what he wants clearly and he maintains this directness throughout the conversation. Contrast this with how Campbell handles it.

"How can we be on the same side when I see things like this?" Campbell is repeatedly sarcastic, he's condescending, he's indirect.

He is uncomfortable with the direct aggression so he uses passive-aggressive comments instead. Now, people who use this kind of comments don't want to fully own their hostility so they hide their aggression under innocent-sounding comments to give themselves plausible deniability. They want to maintain power over people without other people realizing that they're doing it. We all know people who play games like this and nothing feels more patronizing but if you respond in the right way, it can totally turn the tables. So how does Tommy handle these sorts of passive-aggressive comments? Well, the same two steps that you can use. First, Tommy responds to the superficial layer of Campbell's underhanded remark.

Forgive me, I don't seem to have a pen to write down this rather long list of demands.

And this is true in real life. If someone makes a comment that could be interpreted as either genuine or maybe it's sarcastic, it's a really powerful move to respond as if it's genuine the first time. This is another form of that non-reactivity that we saw from Tommy earlier. It shows that you're unaffected and it forces the other person to either explain their insult or to just move past it. But if the indirectness persists, you can move to step 2.

I have what you're looking for. I have the guns. What guns? We're not here to play games.

Wait, wait. Tommy doesn't overreact. He just walks away. And when we want something, we can find it really hard to do this. You see it all the time. People work for bosses who undermine them, or they stay with passive-aggressive partners when it would just be better to get up and leave. But the moment you show that you're willing to leave, people realize that they have to drop the passive aggressiveness and engage with you honestly, or they risk losing the interaction altogether. You see that happen with Campbell as he's forced to call Tommy back to the table. I actually broke down a similar real-life scenario in much more detail with Robert Downey Jr. that follows a very similar framework. In that video, I actually highlight 4 steps if you want to go slowly through the nuances, but the key point holds: indirect and passive-aggressive games will fall apart when you first interpret charitably and second, refuse to play. So what do levels 1 to 3 have in common? They are all trying to get respect by proving their worth. The kid is lying to prove that he fits in, Kimber is trying to prove that he's in charge, and Campbell is trying to prove that he's respectable despite his double-dealing. And this desperation to prove themselves actually makes us respect them less. But Tommy is operating at level 4. He does not have this proving energy. He's not trying to prove that he's dangerous, clever, or in charge. His disinterest in proving himself to others underlies all the behaviors that we saw earlier—his consistency, his non-reactivity, and his directness. He is not trying to prove his worth. But there is a problem here.

He's gonna trigger the grenade and your very combustible rum will blow us all to hell. And I don't care because I'm already dead.

Tommy's disinterest in proving himself comes from his lack of self-worth, and this emptiness shows up in his destructive behavior, his drinking, his violent outbursts, and his relentless ambition at the expense of the people around him. Tommy struggles to express himself emotionally, and he believes that he can never find peace. There's no rest for me in this world. So this is the big question: how can we stop trying to prove ourselves without cutting ourselves off emotionally? The answer is by building self-respect. And self-respect comes when who you want to be aligns with who you are. Tommy lost sight of that ideal self due to the trauma that he experienced in the war. But to build self-respect, you need to have a clear and realistic picture of who you want to be. Now, this might sound simple, but you have to ask yourself some very challenging questions like, how does my ideal self respond to conflict? And how do I do that today? How does my ideal self respond to the possibility of rejection? And how do I do I at today? And how does my ideal self act in awkward social situations? And don't answer these questions with how you want other people to react to you. It's about how you respond regardless of the situation. Now, Kimber, Campbell, and the Digbeth Kid all know who they want to be, but they ignore the gap between that ideal self and their actual self, and so they look to others for validation. They do not realize that external validation can only get you so far because the truth is you cannot outsource self-respect. It's in the definition. Only you can build it. So once you have a clear idea of who you want to be, just take one small concrete step towards that thing. So if you wanna be more productive, focus on spending less time scrolling social media. If you wanna be more disciplined, choose a small task and do it every day for one month. Just start small and then follow through because whenever you deliver on a promise that you you strengthen that self-respect. And when you start respecting yourself, people notice. They see that you're not relying on them for validation, that you're not shaken by being undermined or insulted, and that you're not terrified of rejection. And through that, they will see that you're not trying to get respect, and that actually makes them much more likely to respect you. So if you're interested in the fastest way that I know of to make this stuff effortless, you might be interested in my course. Of course, Charisma University. They get full details at the link here, but basically, if you like the YouTube channel and charisma, confidence building, respect is a priority for you, I highly encourage you to click the link, check it out, learn more, and maybe join. Either way, I hope that you have enjoyed this video, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.