This Is the Friend All Men Need

Life gives every man a brutal season, a time where you feel like you are crumbling from the inside. And if you are very lucky, you may have a friend who supports you through that period in a way that bonds you for life. This video is about how to be that friend, how to be the person that others are beyond grateful to have, especially in the hard times. And for inspiration, we're going to be using the one and only Samwise Gamgee.

Glad to be with you, Samwise.

"Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all things." Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Sam is perfect. He can be overly deferent to Mr. Frodo.

"Mr. Frodo? Sorry to wake you, Mr.

Frodo." "Frodo Baggins is my name, and this is Samwise Gamgee." "Your bodyguard?" But Sam does exemplify 5 of the most important traits that make people feel truly supported in rough patches, starting with seeing what others need and offering it before they ask. You see, people, especially men, hate asking for help in their low moments. And this makes them blind to the ways that they may stop taking care of themselves. So simply noticing and stating what you see is huge. Sam does this with food—

"You're not eating." Sleep— "Haven't you had any sleep, Mr.

Frodo?" —and water. "Take mine. There's a few drops left." But what makes Sam a truly excellent friend is that he doesn't just notice. He helps. He cooks. He keeps watch. He takes tasks off Frodo's plate all without being asked or seeking any recognition. Boromir: "What about you?" Frodo: "Oh no, I'm not hungry." It is critical though that you keep our second point in mind, because if you don't, it can actually make things worse. And that is that you need to offer kindness and advice and help without hooks. You see, a lot of people offer help because they need something. They need to feel like a good host, so they insist that you eat something even when you're not hungry. Now, at first, it might sound like they have your best interest in mind, and that's exactly how Boromir sounds when he first tries to convince Frodo to give him the ring. You suffer.

I see it day by day.

You sure you do not suffer needlessly?

There are other ways, Frodo.

Other paths that we might take. But underneath all the friendliness and support, there's a hook. And you'll know there's a hook when the other person gets upset if you refuse their offer, which is exactly what happens with Boromir.

I ask only for the strength to defend my people.

Lend me the ring. No. It should be mine!

Give it to me! Give it to me! No!

Give me the ring! No! That is what help with a hook looks like: nice at first, but resentful if the quote-unquote "offer" isn't accepted. Now contrast this with Sam. He tells Frodo to sleep more, eat something, and to ditch Gollum repeatedly.

"There's naught left in him but lies and deceit. It's the ring he wants.

It's all he cares about." But when Frodo doesn't listen, Sam doesn't get bitter. "I want to help him, Sam." He tells him the truth of what he sees without sugarcoating it, which is a critical aspect of being a good friend, but then he allows Frodo to make his own decisions.

He's led us this far, Sam. Mr. Frodo, no. He's been true to his word. No. Lead the way, Smeagol.

You will know that your help has no hooks if you can genuinely feel good when somebody refuses your offer of help. If you're upset or you're angry, don't try to force that help on them or manipulate them into taking it. You've got to find out what you get out of being helpful, and when you figure that out, just pursue that thing directly. Now, there is one moment where Sam slips up here, and it deserves to be highlighted because this is how most good people wind up offering help with hooks. But in order to understand it, we need a bit of context. And see here if you can spot the specific hook. Frodo, Sam, and Gollum are climbing the stairs of Cirith Ungol in Return of the King. They are exhausted and low on food. Then, just like Sam said he would, Gollum betrays them. He throws most of their rations away and frames Sam with the crumbs. "He took it!" So to make things worse here, Frodo begins to buy this lie. And it's here that Sam snaps and attacks Gollum. Now, when Frodo is looking at him with shock after all this has happened, this is when Sam makes his offer. "That thing around your neck.

I could help a bit. I could carry it for a while." So, what's the hook here?

Did you catch it? It is that Sam needs to prove himself. He's terrified that Frodo will leave him, so he tries to make himself valuable. And the same thing happens in real life when we feel insecure in relationships. We might try to prove our worth, but unfortunately, this just makes it more likely that we're left. Sam. So if you mess up in a friendship, do not go into overdrive trying to quote unquote fix things. You have to let the other person be upset. Let yourself be upset that they're upset. And only when you are grounded and feel calm about them being upset should you consider offering help. Otherwise, you're probably offering help with hooks. Sam doesn't catch himself though, and this brings us to the third point, which is that when someone draws a boundary, you need to honor their boundaries even if you think they're mistaken. And this is exactly what happens with Frodo and Sam after Sam tries to carry the ring. "Get out of here!" "No, Sam.

It's you.

You can't help me anymore." This rejection is a crushing moment for Sam, and it happens frequently in real life when people are deep in a struggle. They ask for space, tell us that our support isn't wanted, and send us away, and it is critical in these moments that we honor those boundaries. But there are two important caveats. First, you don't just walk away the instant someone says "go away" because when people are having a tough time, they sometimes push others away to test if the support is real. So when someone is drawing a line, you don't immediately dip. Instead, you respond vulnerably once and then let them decide. Sam does this beautifully with Frodo at the end of Fellowship of the Ring. "I'm going to Mordor alone!" "And I'm coming with you!" He pushes through Frodo's objection one time, nearly drowning in the process. Once Frodo picks him up though, Sam shares why he's being persistent—one time.

"I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to.

Then he lets Frodo make the call. Sam follows the same approach when Frodo sends him away on the stairs. The difference here is that Frodo held the line even in the face of Sam's rebuttal, which illustrates a point that is true in real life. When someone draws a boundary, it is loving to offer one vulnerable pushback, but once you get to two or even more, you're entering into the realm of pushiness and trying to offer help with hooks.

I ask only for the strength to defend my people.

"Let me the ring." "No." And importantly, when Sam finds the bread that Gollum used to frame him, he doesn't just refuse to return out of spite. Because honoring a boundary does not mean abandoning the relationship. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to honor someone's boundary, love them through them pushing you away, and still be willing to show up for them in times of need. "Let him go!" "He will not touch you again." And that's ultimately why Sam is such a moving character, because the strength of his heart is enormous. But that is not the best Sam moment. The one that gets me every time I see it is also the one that most illustrates the next point, and it's at the final leg of the journey. Frodo has collapsed right in front of Mount Doom, and then Sam does this: "Come on, Mr.

Frodo! I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you!

Come on!" [Speaker:CHARLIE HOUPERT] Okay, so that's beautiful, and in my opinion, it's Sam's best moment across 3 movies. But obviously, I'm not suggesting that you literally carry someone who's having a tough time. What I am suggesting is that you recognize which burdens are theirs and you refuse to carry those, even while you support them in other ways. You see, there are some burdens that we cannot carry for the people we love, even if they're being crushed by life. You cannot have a hard conversation on behalf of the person that needs to have it. You cannot be depressed in someone's place. And if you try to take those burdens from them by doing the conversation or joining them in their depression or making it your mission to lift them up, you subconsciously affirm that they don't have what it takes to do their life's core work. So knowing which burdens you can help with and which are theirs alone is essential. How do you do that? Well, here's one question that you can ask yourself: will this help expand their capacity, or does it make them dependent on you? That means that what might be proper for you to support with for one week might not be proper to support with for a month. It means that something that might be invasive in one context, like trying to take the ring on the stairs when you have something to gain from it, might be totally loving and appropriate in another context, like taking the ring to prevent the orcs from getting it when Frodo's being incapacitated. Now, obviously these are metaphors, and what I'm trying to say is that there's no perfect rule set here. The same behavior can be either invasive and demeaning or supportive and loving, depending on why you're doing it and where inside of you it comes from. So there is one final mindset that Sam holds that will serve you in all of your relationships, especially when someone's having a tough time. You want to see them not as the person who is going to be swallowed up by their struggles, but as the person in the middle of making it through them. Sam does this the entire trilogy.

"I don't think I'll be coming back." "Yes, you will. Of course you will. That's just morbid thinking.

We're going there and back again." He is always planning for the return journey, even when Frodo's written it off. And when Frodo despairs, he reminds him that they are in the middle of the story. They have to keep fighting.

"There's some good in this world, Mr.

Frodo." —And it's worth fighting for. So take a moment, think of someone in your life that's having a hard time— maybe it's you— and ask: tough as things might be for the next weeks or months or even years for this person, is it possible that they're in the middle of writing a deeply inspiring story? A story that requires darkness in order for their heroic triumph to be inspiration for others in their challenges? Because when you see people and heroes in the midst of their own battles, you won't subtly hold them back by trying to make them small and helping out with things that they ought to be handling themselves. You won't keep them down. You won't try to take their core work out of their hands, but you can support and encourage them as you accompany them on your journey.

I wonder if people will ever say, "Let's hear about Frodo and the Ring." You've left out one of the chief characters— Samwise the Brave.

I want to hear more about Sam. Now, deep friendships like Sam and Frodo's are rare. In fact, most people struggle to make any close friends after they graduate college. But you can build friends as an adult. It just requires more of you than it did as a kid. You need the confidence to show up authentically, the charisma to turn small talk into a deeper connection. When you have all that, you can connect easily with the people that you admire and turn brief introductions into real lasting relationships. So if you'd like those kinds of results in the fastest way that I know, you may be interested in our course, Charisma University. It's a step-by-step program that tells you exactly what to do every day so that 30 days from now you radiate confidence and charisma naturally without even thinking about it. And rather than tell you about the program myself, here's just a few things that past members have said. Before, I wasn't truly confident. I was constantly seeking validation and cared too much about other people's opinions. But now my life has improved tremendously because of Charisma University. I find it way easier to connect with people, to have great interactions, and to be happy even if things don't go the way I want them to. Taking this course has been one of the most impactful decisions of my life. I can't recommend it enough. Another member writes, I am way more confident now having gone through the Daily Action Guides, and I can see a big difference in the attention and respect that I get. It makes life so much more fun. I don't think it's an overstatement to say charisma is literally a gateway to anything you want in life, so thank you for making Charisma University. Now, this course is guaranteed to boost your confidence and charisma massively, so you can go through the entire course, and if you don't think it's worth every penny, you can get a full refund right from inside the program. So if you want to see if it's right for you, click the link on screen now or in the description below. Either way, I hope that you enjoy this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.