This is What Grounded Confidence Looks Like

I absolutely love this clip. It's a simple expression of grounded confidence. It's not flashy. Almost nothing is even said here. But if you take this in, you're not going to get riled up around controlling people and you will remain in control of yourself in high-stakes conflict. So the situation is in Mad Men. Don's company is about to be sold here and the new guy, Duck, is going to be the president and Duck wants to run the company in a very specific way.

I'd like to bring this company into financial maturity. Good creative is important.

—"But it can't be running the show." Creative, which is Don's department, is getting downgraded to squeeze profits, so the old owners push back. "I don't think I heard the word 'client' once." But ultimately, Duck just doubles down, and he casually insults Don's entire career.

"Well, Bert, when the economy is good, people buy things. And when it's bad, they don't.

There's no reason for us to be tied to creative's fantasies of persuasion." Now, this is where most people's charisma goes out the door. They reflexively defend themselves. How dare you say that? Creative built this company. But all that does is just weaken their position. This is where Don shines though. He stays silent. He's even reluctant to speak when they ask for his opinion. Don? What? But then he drops this.

I think it sounds like a great agency. I just don't think I'll be a part of it. You don't want to be a part of it? If this is the agency you want, Duck is the man for the job.

There is so much charisma in those two lines, and it's because they are the perfect embodiment of the fourth charismatic principle, which is charisma doesn't convince, and you don't have to convince anyone of anything. Now, this can be very hard to feel in the moment because when you want to keep your job or start a relationship or trying to make some kind of sale, the default move is to convince. So you might act like, "I need this person or this job," but when you convince, you're manipulating yourself. You wind up squeezing to the space that that other person has for you, or you try to change them to get them to accept you, which is still just you chasing them. And it never actually works because that convincing energy is neediness. Now, people don't like to connect with other people who have given away their power like that. This is equally true in sales and in romance and in friendship. But that's exactly what we see in the next scene. Duck tries to convince, which just reveals his neediness. So he insults Don to win over the owners.

This is what I'm talking about. Artistic temperament. Don, is this really necessary? It is, because he loves this room and hearing his own voice and saving the day.

And then he tries to strong-arm Don by threatening his job, but Don fires back with another perfect response.

Don, you can either honor your contract or walk out that door with nothing and start selling insurance.

I don't have a contract. I don't have a contract. A contract. In this context, he's saying, "Your threats don't bother me because you don't own me." Now, I want to pause and pull out exactly what Don is doing here because there are 3 great habits that he's showing, and you can use all 3 of these the next time that you feel tempted to try to convince someone. First, slow down your response when you feel under fire. You don't get any points for defending yourself quickly, but you might lose some for being hyper-reactive. Second, rather than engaging in some kind of power struggle, you need to fully accept that other person's choice, and then you name your voice in response. When you do this, there's no room for argument because you're allowing them the power that they actually have. The president does make the decisions about the direction of the company, but you don't grant them the power to choose how you respond. So you don't say, "You can't do that," or "I've been so valuable," or even "You're going to regret this." All of these are just attempts to convince the other person. They almost never get the other person to change, and they wind up hurting your own self-esteem. So you just say, "I hear you." If that's the case, I'm going to— and then fill in the blank. But there is one more step, and that's that you invite the other person to a solution that works for you with no pressure. You just name what you're aimed at and let the other person decide. You can watch Don do exactly this.

I can't see as far into the future as Duck, but if the world is still here on Monday, we can talk.

Don, hold on. Now, I know this works because something similar happened back at my old consulting job, though it was much less dramatic and there was no walking out or slamming the door mid-sentence. Basically, I was working in Washington, D.C. and I wanted to move to New York City to be closer to my best friend and future CoC co-founder. I scheduled a meeting with the president of my company and I wanted to let him know. And he said that they couldn't have me moving because analysts weren't allowed to work remotely. So I paused and I said, "Totally respect that. Thank you so much for how awesome you guys have been. You have been so personally kind to me and the company's been great professionally. So I want to repay that kindness by making sure that when I leave, it doesn't have a negative impact on this project that I'm doing. So I'm happy to stay on for another month or maybe a little bit longer, and I'm willing to make a few I do make some trips back and forth between New York and DC, but I need to move to New York and I'm planning on it being done at this date. Now, because I didn't argue with him or try to persuade him to please let me, the president felt unattacked and we spent another 15 minutes chatting and actually wound up working out a remote work arrangement with a raise. All that had to happen was I switched from analyst to outside contractor. So I hope that story makes it clear, not convincing doesn't mean withdrawing from conflict immediately or never selling anything to anyone. Otherwise, Don's not gonna be very good at his job and I never would've gotten that remote work arrangement. But it does mean not getting hung up on one company or one client or one date. And it means that you tell the truth as you see it and then give the other person the space to freely make their decision. Now, Don does this forcefully sometimes, but he doesn't cross the line into convincing by insisting the other person agree with him. You're happy with your agency?

You're not happy with anything. You don't want most of it, you want all of it. And I won't stop until you get all of it.

"Thank you for your time." Now, you don't have to go quite that hard. The mantra that I try to live by is to live invitationally. So it's, "Hey, here's what I'm selling," or, "Here's what I'm offering," or, "Here's what I'm about. Interested? Great. If not, all good." And just in case the point isn't clear, Duck's attempt to convince rather than invite people into his world loses him the job that he already had. This is what happens when you can't embody the belief that you don't need to convince anyone.

—Let him go. Let him throw his tantrum. The man disappeared for 3 damn weeks and I put this deal together. What more do you need to know?

Doc, would you excuse us for a minute?

So concretely, when you feel the urge to convince someone, slow down. Accept that they have their choice, let them know yours, and state how you'd be open to collaborating, if at all, and then just give them the space to make their own decision in response. And yes, I know that in intense situations where you really want something, knowing this and feeling it can be two very different things. So when your boss tells you, "Hey, you're not getting that promotion," or a client says that they're going with someone else, someone you're dating doesn't respond to a text, in all of those moments, that convincing energy, it's gonna rush back up. And I've had to work at this for years and I can still feel it sometimes. So if you want help building that into how you show up in those moments and with being so compelling that those conversations happen way less often, you might be interested in joining Charisma University. Tons of the students have gotten promotions or raises or just felt more in control in situations where they need to display leadership, like this one. Charisma University taught me you have to take control of your actions. You have to be the one who leads, and people respond naturally to that. Now I am more in control in my career and just generally happier as I'm more comfortable with the honest expression of who I am. And the course comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee, so if you're thinking of joining, you've got nothing to lose. Link is in the description. Either way, I hope that you got something out of this video, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.