This Shift In Masculinity Is Scary

Something bad is going on with young men. It's bad for them and it's bad for the women around them. I have been feeling and seeing how poorly young men are doing.

Why are men and boys struggling? Why are men in such crisis?

And what made me really see it is a bit silly. But stick with me here. It was the Amazon prime show Reacher. Now if you haven't seen it, Reacher is a show based on the Lee Child novels of the same name. Their action packed male fantasy fulfillment. And in them we follow Reacher, the impossibly Jack wanderer who miraculously doesn't go to the gym and eats whatever he wants.

How do you eat like that and still look like you do? Like this.

He kills bad guys, saves the day and beds a new woman most every book. This is nothing new in the male fantasy fulfillment genre. Except there is something that's weirdly new in the show. Reacher, who is the most assertive dominant action hero you could ever imagine in your wildest dreams and never initiates anything sexual.

I know. Wash your mouth boss. You're ketchup's lines.

He's entirely passive with his female leads. We barely even see him. Look at the leading lady who inevitably has to make the first, second and third move before throwing herself at him. Now this was not the case in the books from the early 2000s. It's an amendment from the 2020Show.

Do it just because like a fantasy of this guy who every guy wants to be. You want to get the girl in every town you visit. And Jack Reacher fulfills that fantasy.

And just so you know that I'm not exaggerating here. In season one, after asking him to dance and hanging out in a hotel room with him in her underwear, Roscoe literally has to walk in on reach her showering to to make something happen between them. And she of course leans in for the kiss in case he didn't pick up on her intention. In season two, Dixon indirectly asks Reacher out at work.

Will you buy me a drink?

I gotta keep working on these reports. Maybe next time.

Yeah.

Then she directly asks him why he didn't do anything about it.

Is that why back in the day you and I never happened? I mean, come on Reacher. It's not like I didn't drop any hints.

Then she has him play doctor with a wound on her breast. And when he doesn't lean in, then she finally throws herself at him.

You don't have to be lonely tonight.

As the relationship continues, she makes every.

Overt move shot at by Hitman and almost Blown up. I mean, to put it mildly, I've got some pent up tension.

Season three is the same exact dance until Duffy finally just leans in and jumps Reacher.

I can still make sure she stays safe. I know it's important to you, so I want to make sure we.

Later. Reacher bashfully compliments her, but of course can barely hold eye contact.

If he cheated on you, he's an idiot.

And in the middle of tactical planning for a coming shootout, she completely jumps Reacher's bones.

You really want to make me feel better? I got an idea.

Now, I'm not saying that we should go back to the cardboard cutout female characters with zero agency. The male fantasy genre 50 years ago had its own issues.

Men talk.

What I'm saying is that if Reacher is the updated male fantasy, we need to ask ourselves, what does this fantasy of sexual passivity tell us about young men today? Think about that, because before I give you my answer, I want to tell you about the male fantasies of my bygone era, the 2000s, and what they told us about my generation. You see, when I was a teen, there was one movie that mirrored the dream when I was of so many young men and their hopes about women. The Girl Next Door. My God, did this movie hook me?

I personally kind of find it a perfect film. In my opinion, at least it's the.

Teen fantasy that lit up the early 2000s.

The girl next Door became an instant cult favorite. In it, Maddie, who is played by Emile Hirsch, has a stunningly beautiful girl move in next door to him. And when she does, his entire life is turned upside down by her impact on him.

Finding that one thing you really care.

About.

That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world.

Now, the fantasy, which is specific to the 2000s, is that she sees something in him without him doing anything. Stereotypically attractive. Maddie gets the girl of his dreams just by being his nerdy, previously unnoticed self. She literally appears next door and just likes him. This was, of course, my fantasy and the wish of many mathletes across the world.

I'm all wet. Can I come in?

But even though Maddie is smaller and nerdier and way less capable, there's one thing he has that Reacher doesn't. He is undeniably attracted to Danielle. His desire for her cannot be hidden or suppressed, and his victory is in acting on that desire, despite not being the stereotypical hot guy in the Act 1 climax, which is such an iconic scene that I wish I could just play it outright. Maddie's at a Party. And the jock has just slid up on his girl. Maddie is out.

Man, what's up?

Can you come here for a second?

Yeah.

Oh, no, that's cool.

They're pals.

Danielle is now with the jock because, come on, look at that guy. And just as Maddie's about to leave in defeat, something shifts. Maddie acts on his desire. And we get one of the defeats. Finding shots of my teenage life. Matty wins because he goes for it. He doesn't do a million push ups or beat anyone up. He just goes for it. This is the inverse of Reacher, who is super high agency in every action scene.

If you boys knew what's about to happen to you, you'd leave now. So I give you to the count of three. One.

But totally passive around women.

Good thing I'm doing the asking.

Come on now.

Of course this is a teen movie and Reacher's action based, so maybe it's an unfair comparison. So let's look at an action film from the same 2000s era. Casino Royale. The name's Bond. James Bond. We have the same impossibly capable lead who kills bad guys and gets the girl.

Doesn't bother you killing those people?

I wouldn't be very good at my job if it did.

But in 2006, he of course, still wants her. Bond's desire for vesper is immediate and he's anything but passive in communicating it. I'm the money.

Every penny of it.

So as far as I can remember, in the 2000s, male desire for women still existed in that stereotypical male fantasy genre. Victory came from risking rejection to act on that desire, that one special thing.

That means more to you than anything.

Else in the world.

And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all. And a capable man could handle rejection without forcing the issue or. Or getting overly flustered. And this is what worries me about Reacher. Desire for women. And if it were gay, it doesn't matter. It's desire for sex, for intimacy, for a relationship. It's all gone. Sure, Reacher is a participant, but he's not an active initiator. And by the way, I see the same thing in a lighter form in 2019's Witcher.

They say witchers can't feel human emotion. What do you believe in?

Geralt acknowledges his attraction to Yennefer, but it's her initiating at every stage.

But you can't contend with me. Sorry I couldn't be direct. I knew you'd fight it.

Now, perhaps I'm extrapolating based on just one show. And I'M reading too much into it. But consider how broader media habits have shifted since the 2000s. It had its serious issues, but TV required you to feel what you wanted. You had to tune in at a particular time to watch your show. You had to select the YouTube video based on a title that said, this is what I want to watch. Sure, we had the channel surf, but every millennial knows how miserable of an experience that aimless searching was. Now the TikTok mentality is basically, I don't know what I want. Feed me anyway.

What happens when you're just scrolling and scrolling and you just can't like stop? Well, social media has essentially taken human connection and turned it into a drug.

The moment you turn it on, it's like playing you new. He just sucked into it.

And it's not miserable. You can be entertained for hours without once feeling your own desire. So that's the meta landscape that this is occurring in. But there's also what I hear from young men. Up until a few years ago, I had never spoken to a young man who planned to spend his 20s on his business and his money and his health while ignoring dating completely.

As a man, you need to, before.

You get into any relationship, build your frame as a man, build your internal.

Kingdom, staying single, put you ahead of everyone. Everyone.

Just think about it, just go fucking monk mode. Everything, like, as long as it takes to get to the top. And that's now something that I've heard repeatedly, and I don't think that's the purely rational monk mode move that it's sometimes framed as. I think it's the result of being raised in a world where feeling your own desires, but particularly the sexual and romantic ones, was more dangerous than ever. And in part that's because rejection in the social media era is so much more public. And perhaps it's in part because the MeToo had a chilling effect, not just on the men that we wanted it to, but also on the young guys who weren't quite sure where the line between healthy romantic initiation and cancellation worthy boundary crossing was.

I often hear from men that they are now more reluctant to go up to a woman in a bar or whatever. There's this problem of fear of being falsely accused of something, and so.

So they chose to just avoid the whole thing altogether. And I think that's where this passive fantasy we see in Reacher comes from. It's the wish that if you're maximally capable, you won't ever have to face rejection from a woman. You'll never have to even initiate It'll just find you. And that scares me. Because we need men who are connected to what and who they want, who are capable of risking their egos to pursue those desires, and who are capable of dusting themselves and their egos off in the face of rejection. If you don't have that, if you can't feel your most raw, instinctual desires, you will spend your whole life as a sheep. You'll chase socially approved stepping stones, telling yourself that one day you'll go after the real thing so you can make money, sculpt your body, build a social Rolodex. But you do it all in avoidance of the things that you really want. So my advice to you is that if you find any of this compelling, ask yourself, where in my life am I avoiding what I deeply want by telling myself that I need to focus on stepping stones? Is there someone that I'm attracted to, but I won't ask out until I have that six pack in six months or six years? Is there a business that I want to start, but I won't begin until I have the right made up credential? Is there a creative project that I haven't shared because I'm not yet perfect enough at that thing? If something comes up, my advice is to go for it. Risk rejection. Especially in a world where everyone else is distracted with imaginary stepping stones, the person who can risk rejection and pursue their deepest desires is the one who winds up leading. Now, for me, skipping stepping stones meant that I had to take a good hard look at my social life. And when I did, I realized that I wasn't approaching the women that I liked the most, or asking for the promotions that I wanted and felt I deserved, or connecting with the people that I admired, all because of social fears and awkwardness. And if this issue sounds familiar to you and you want to stop putting off solving it, you might want to check out my course, Charisma university. It's our 30 day program that will help you unlock the confident and charismatic person that you already are deep down at your core. And here is what can happen when you do that straight from the students mouths. I don't even have a bachelor diploma yet they want me to fill this position. And when I asked why, this was the answer. You have great social skills, which is rare for an engineer. You can think quickly on your feet and you are open and self assured in your demeanor. Thank you so much for all that you have taught me. You have truly changed my life. Because without Charisma University I wouldn't have qualified for that position in a million lifetimes. Or check out this student's experience with dating. Loving the course. I've liked a girl for over a year now but never thought much of it because I thought she was just too pretty. Took your lessons, gave things a shot and now we are dating and try this one out for friendship. It has been truly incredible. I have instantly had results that seem insane. So many more meaningful conversations. My friendships have improved and my interactions with total strangers are a new, exciting, fulfilling thing. I want to recommend this to everyone. This should be in our basic education system now. The course comes with a full money back guarantee so there's no risk to you trying. There are thousands of people that have improved their lives with Charisma University and I would love for you to do the same. Either way, I hope that this video has helped you and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.