Why My Girlfriend And I Broke Up

So this is going to be kind of a personal video, and it's because it's about a breakup. And it's a breakup that happened a while ago. But when I made the video on it, I don't think that I was ready or had the perspective to share what I want to share with you today. And that's because I didn't know it, because at the time I thought that we broke up because she had one set of values, I had another. We wanted different things in our life, and despite the fact that we loved each other, it just broke us. But I realized that there was something else that sabotaged our relationship without me even realizing it. And it was something that I let happen. So I'm making this in the hopes that if this is you or has been you or could be you, that you do better than I did. And I want to start by kind of giving some context to this relationship so that you can see if it is for you. Because truly, this is not relationship advice for everyone. It's really only for the people who relate to the stories that I'm about to. You tell. And the context is that we had a very masculine and feminine dichotomous relationship. And what I mean by that very simply, is that we had kind of an opposites attract thing going on. And I see this in many relationships, though not all, where one person, the more masculine person, tends to be more outwardly focused, they tend to be more future focused, they tend to have a more narrow range of emotions than they might experience on any given day. And the person who is more feminine tends to have a wider range of emotions. Higher highs, lower lows, they tend to live more in the present moment, and they tend to be more focused on their social and familial connections. This doesn't mean that you can't have bits of either and either person, but it just means that the masculine person tends to live most of the time here and the feminine person tends to live over here. And what happens when those two people meet is it can be awesome. Like, the spirit sparks are incredible because they provide for each other something that they don't often get. And I think for this woman that I dated, I provided for her a sense of groundedness, perspective, and I think I made her feel very safe for me. I got this wider range of emotions. I got to experience some of the most intense feelings that I've ever gotten. And it made me feel alive in ways that I. That I, quite frankly, hadn't up until that point. So really, really, really good Sparks. But one of the things that I have noticed, and I noticed early in the relationship, is that people who tend to be a bit more feminine, a bit more emotionally driven don't always communicate so directly. And what I mean is that the three layers of communication are not in sync. And those three layers are what someone says, what someone wants, and what someone needs. So a couple of examples, just a very basic stereotypical. One guy's about to go out on a Friday night. His girlfriend sits, is not happy about it for whatever reason, and she doesn't look happy. And he says, what's wrong? And she says, don't worry about it. It's fine. Just go. Now, what are these three layers of communication? First, literally, what she says is just go. If he were to just go, he would be probably not in a very good place, because what she says and what she wants are not the same. What she wants is for him to stay, perhaps right, to spend that time with her. But what she needs could be anything, depending on the context of their relationship. Maybe she needs him to say, you know what? I've been totally neglecting you. You're right. I'm going to go out tonight because I made plans, but let's definitely do something tomorrow, and I'm going to block off next weekend for you. Maybe she needs him to say, you know what? You've kind of been really upset since you got in a fight with your friend. I think that this is something you need to work through on your own. I'm going to go out, but we can talk about it later. It completely depends on the context of the relationship. But the point that I am making here is that I do believe that with the people that you love the most, your family, your friends, and especially your intimate relationships, it is your job to, of course, listen to what they say, to give them what they want, but really to deliver what they need. And that is what we were able to do for one another at the beginning of this relationship. And because her three layers were sometimes out of sync, I oftentimes had to feel what she needed, what she needed that was going on underneath what she was saying. Right? So, for instance, maybe she was upset about something and we were having a conversation. She said she wanted to talk about it. And I noticed that as she was talking about it, she was just getting more and more upset, and it wasn't really helping her to feel better at the time. I'd say, hey, hold on one sec, just come over here. And I give her a big hug. I'd crack a joke. She'd laugh and then she'd bawl. She'd cry on me. And 20 seconds later, after she was done crying, she'd say, thank you, I needed that. And then the next day, we could actually address the problem and talk about it and come up with solutions. That's an example of listening not to what someone just says, but to what someone needs. And at the beginning of our relationship, we were both just able to cut through and give the other one what they needed in such an intense way. And of course, there were plenty of times what we said and what we needed were the same, in fact, most of the time, but when they didn't match up, the other person just knew. And I especially feel like I had such a. Such a good grasp on her value system, on what ultimately was going to make her feel good. And I was able to deliver it in a way that made us really, really close. So that, that went great for a long time. But as the relationship progressed, and especially at the end, I lost sight of that. And whereas before, I just had this gut feeling where I knew what to do. I knew she needed a hug. I knew that she needed to talk. I know that she needed space. I knew that she needed me to come be with her. Whatever it was, I couldn't feel it anymore. And so I'd find myself in conversations that turned to arguments. And after 20 minutes I go, how did we get here and how come I don't know how to get us out of here? I don't know what she needs. I felt disconnected from her. And it got so bad that I was literally even more frequently bumping into her. Like I couldn't anticipate where she was going. And I was trying to puzzle this all out in my brain. How do we go from feeling so in sync to just so disconnected? And I realize it is something that happens all the time and it's that I lost my masculine center. And I know that sounds very hippie dippy, very woo woo, but what I mean by that is that I got so scared that the relationship would end. And it meant so much to me because it created so many positive feelings in me that I stopped doing the things that I needed to do to be this grounded person. And instead of really understanding what she needed at the time, I started listening only to what she was saying because I just wanted to fix things. I wanted everything to be better. So I just listened to what she said and I delivered that. But I wasn't giving her what she needed. And sometimes I wasn't Even listening to what she said, to be totally fair, and I'm sure if she ever watches that she would say I didn't listen to her the whole time. But I did lose sight of what she needed. And what that meant is that over time, we slowly drew apart. Now, in order to fix this, because I'd lost my masculine core, I thought, oh, you know what I need to do? I need to grip this relationship tighter. So towards the end, when things weren't going fantastic, I planned three weeks for us to just stay together. And at this point, she even said she knew. She's like, hey, I don't think that's a great idea. And I said, no, no, no, we have to do this. But again, my gut, my intuition for telling us what we needed was. Was completely off because I was just living kind of in fear that this relationship would end. So I planned three weeks. We spent them together. And while it started, okay, we both disconnected from, in my case, my friends, in her case primarily her family. And just spending so much time with each other, little things got blown tremendously out of proportion. For instance, we're standing in line, we're about to get some food. She's a little bit peevish. Cause she hasn't eaten that day. And she's just a little bit short. With me early in the relationship, I would know that has nothing to do with me. She's hungry. Let it go. She's going to be fine in three minutes when she eats. Which is what happened. But because I was scared that the relationship was going to end, I was upset that she was upset. I got upset. And now, even though she was fine three minutes later, I was harboring a grudge. And that grudge lasted for hours and then created another argument that went into the evening. That is what destroyed our relationship. It is me losing my masculine center. And it's only having gotten this distance from the relationship that I realized the things that I stopped doing, the practices and the habits that I need. And I think probably a lot of guys might to maintain that. So I want to share with you now what those are. Because if you lose that and you can't give the other person what they need and you lose that intuitive sense that I do believe comes kind of inborn. When you really do click with someone and you understand their values, it can end the relationship. So there might be a female corollary to these things, or rather a feminine corollary. I don't know. That's not my experience. But I just want to share with you the three Things that I did afterwards wish I'd done earlier, but that you can potentially do if you find yourself in this kind of a situation. The first one is absolutely create time for. For male bonding. And it sounds so simple, but I see so many guys who meet a girl that they're crazy about, and they just want to spend all their time together, and they begin to isolate themselves from their male friends. This is not a good idea. I know it sounds romantic to be the only people in the world that you need, but that for me, and I think for many men who have the same kind of a core that I would say that I do, is that you need to replenish that perspective. And what was so interesting is that after we broke up and I did have more time and I called my friends, they immediately, in conversation with them, made me realize how lacking in perspective I'd be over this stupid argument that we had about food and the fact that she was peevish. And I couldn't believe how I got so caught up in the moment and so upset. They helped ground me. They teased me, they poked fun at me. And it just made me feel more centered. Unfortunately, when I didn't create time for that in the relationship, well, that kind of messed things up. The second one is that you need to keep the things that attracted her to you in the first place. And what I realized is that when a lot of people start relationships, they're flirtatious, they're fun, they're challenging, they're dangerous, a little bit edgy. And then as the relationship develops, it becomes so logistical. What do you want to do tonight? What movie would you like to watch? Do you want Italian? I don't want to. And it could be very loving, but it loses that spark. You need to if you want to have that polarity. One, create the time apart, which I think is important with your friends. And two, you need to flirt with the person that you're dating. And in order to do that, I do believe that you have to flirt with the world. Right. I spent so much time just worrying about this relationship that when I would interact with someone in the world, whether this guy or a girl, I was so straightforward. In the past, when I went into Chipotle or I talked to someone, I always was messing around. I was having fun. I was cracking jokes. I. I was creating relationships. But because I got so obsessed and so scared that this relationship was going to end, I stopped flirting with the world. Now, I'm not saying flirting in the sense that it must be someone of the opposite Sex, it could be, but it doesn't have to be. You just need to mess around, be playful, be challenging, be fun with people out there. And you bring that energy to your relationship. It makes it better. It keeps that spark going. And third, and I believe this is the most important thing that I. That I lost sight of, that you need a purpose that is bigger than the relationship. And I know that this is controversial, but I do believe that it is important for people that have a masculine center. If you disagree, feel free to let me know in the comments. In fact, I shouldn't say with such certainty that this is true of everybody. This is true of me. Maybe it's true of you, but when I woke up in the morning, the most important thing for me at a period in my life was making sure that this relationship didn't end. And what that meant is that rather than treating this relationship as somewhere where I went to just give positive emotions, where, like, I was having an amazing day, and when I saw her, I was just ready to dump these amazing stories and emotions on her. It was that I stopped really enjoying so many of the things in my life that I used to enjoy. And I went to her to make me feel loved and connected and peaceful. That is a recipe for. I began treating the relationship like a well to be drawn from rather than a cup that I could fill up when I separated. And I started to reconnect with the things that really mattered to me. And I came back to charisma on command, which I'd been doing, but really thinking about, honestly trying to help more people and thinking about that purpose and really dedicating myself to that. All of these feelings that had for a while only come from her, this feeling of connection and love and doing the right thing and being significant. I started to feel that in myself, and it let me spread that in a way that I didn't. So if you relate to this, what you need is a purpose that is bigger than your relationship. And I know it sounds romantic to have your relationship be the only thing, but what I have experienced is that in making sure that I'm doing something for the world that contributes, that gives back, that is good, right? That does, of course. And my relationship can play a part in this. She absolutely did help me with charisma on command, in fact, and she loved to be part of it. And. And in excluding her from that, I mean, what a dumb thought. But I did it because I was just like, no, this relationship must work. In losing that purpose, I really, more than anything, I did I lost that masculine center. I lost that drive to give to the world. I lost that drive to give back. And I became so obsessed with what I might lose. If you do that, you stand to absolutely lose the relationship. And so I wanted to create this video not just as a confessional, but because I do think that I see a lot of people doing this, and it is unfortunately very common both for men and women, that when they get into a relationship, they lose themselves. I would say they lose their center. So clearly I'm speaking from a masculine perspective, but there's absolutely a feminine perspective. If my ex were to make this video, she could tell you about her experience. But you need to not just lose yourself in another person. And again, I don't mean to proclaim I'm sorry for doing this, but it has been my experience that losing yourself and another person is not the way to have a healthy relationship. You need to be your centered self with that person. And that is how you create an amazing relationship. You maintain your relationships, your life, your family, your friends, purpose. You incorporate that person into it. But you don't lose sight of the things that make you work independently of them. Because if you do, not only you're screwing yourself, but you're screwing the relationships. So I hope that you have found this helpful and not too rambly and perhaps self indulgent, if you will. But I did want to make this because I think that it might help some people. One last thing before I let you guys go is that we have or we are so close to hiring our video editor, Andre. He's been doing. He's been doing the YouTube videos for a long time and he's going to start and already has been creating content for. So if you want to follow a little bit more short form content, you can follow arismaoncommand on Instagram. Or if you want to follow me, this is more pictures of my studio stuff that's going on in my life in California right now. So if you want to follow me, it's Arliehoopert on Instagram. Would love to see you guys on there because I am looking forward to creating kind of different styles of content as I have reconnected with my purpose, which is just charisma on command right now. It touches my heart. I'm blushing. But anyways, I love you guys. Thank you so much for watching this video. Hope you enjoyed it and I will see you in the next one.