Why Your Conversations Feel Boring (And How To Fix Them)

Ryan, good to see you again, my friend. How are you?

Are you in a volcano? Do you have help on the way?

Now, Ryan Gosling's response here might seem random, but hear me out. He's actually using a technique that you can use to turn any dull conversation into an incredibly memorable one. But in order to get there, we need to talk about the problem first, and that is that conversations feel repetitive for one primary reason: because we are all stuck in the frame. Now, frames are the unspoken rules that influence our interactions, kind of like the templates that we have to stick to. For instance, if you're getting to know someone, you'll usually start by asking where they're from or what they do for work, maybe. Now, the frame is there in all of these situations for a reason. We need some sort of understanding of how we're going to interact, but the frame can be restrictive and it can leave you second-guessing what you can and can't say. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. So anytime you've thought, can I say "Should I say that to my boss?" or "Should I ask that on a first date?" You have found the edge of the frame. Most people think that terrible things will happen if they break out of the expected frame but the surprising truth is you actually become far, far more likable and charismatic if you escape the frame. You can watch how this interviewer does it.

"I've got these glasses in because these were from the original Blade Runner.

This is what they used." "That's so cool that you did that.

Are you a fan of the original?" "Never seen it." Now, in a situation like this, most people would very embarrassed to admit that they hadn't seen a classic film in front of that lead actor, and they might even bend the truth to try to avoid that awkward moment. But this interviewer gets an incredibly positive reaction by breaking the frame. She sets a playful tone for the rest of this conversation.

Did you get your knitting needles out? Because I know you like to relax.

Oh, we're going to go there.

We're going to go with the knitting needles out.

Oh, it's going to be like that.

I just looked at your jumper and I thought, "Did you knit that?" This is what I did on set.

I knitted this sweater.

So when it's done in the right way, escaping the frame can turn very boring conversations into fun ones. It'll make people love being around you.

Ah! Alison!

Ah! So how do you break out of these frames? Well, the first thing you can do is to follow the shiny thing. The shiny thing is anything in the environment that grabs your attention.

Ryan, good to see you again, my friend. How are you?

Are you in a volcano?

I was rushing back from a tour of the Grand Canyon to do this interview. And we broke down on the side of the road.

Most people will notice the shiny thing in conversation, but they don't mention it because they see it as a distraction. But pretending the obvious thing doesn't exist actually means that they miss the opportunity to have a more fun conversation. So if you're in a Zoom meeting, you see a cat walk back through the background, or you see a colleague's lock screen and it's got a picture of a trip that they took, ask them about it. Bring it up. It's going to make for a far more interesting conversation. But It's not the only way to break a frame. You can also open the circle. You see, many frames exclude other people. At a job interview, people will tend to talk to the interviewer, but they're very short with the receptionist. They completely ignore the other candidates. At a coffee shop, people will place their order with the barista, but they often ignore the other people right next to them in line. We're all sort of pretending that these people in the same room don't see one another, but opening the circle to include those people is actually super charismatic.

And you know the best part of this? My girlfriend is holding the phone.

Can she turn it around, please? Hi.

Hi. Hi.

This is Iris.

Hi, Iris.

This is Ryan.

You're MVP, Iris.

You see, in the interview frame, anyone who's behind the camera, you're supposed to pretend that they don't exist. But Ryan doesn't do this, and by including Iris in the conversation, he gets a very positive response. So one easy way to do something similar when you're not in an interview is to bring people who are around you in your scenarios in your life in with a compliment.

You got some sweet moves, my friend.

Thank you, my brother. Thank you. So look out for those people that you tend to see every week but you barely interact with. This could be someone at work but they're on a different team or the neighbor that you see when you collect the mail or the person that is near you at the bar. It doesn't matter. Just find a way to acknowledge them instead of ignoring them and compliments are a great start. Now, if you use these two frame breaks, you're going to create way more fun flowing conversations, but those alone will not reliably make lasting connections. And this brings us to the third point: you want to imply friendship fast. So ask yourself, what would I say if this person was a close friend? Watch how Ryan does it.

I definitely want to hear that you got out of this.

I will reach out to the studio and let you know.

Okay, let us know.

Now, I'm not saying that you need to ask the bartender to message you when they get home, but Treating people like you are already friends is a great way to connect with people, and one way you can do this is to acknowledge other people's emotions as so many frames have no space for those. For example, if someone at work is frustrated after a meeting or it looks like they're going through a hard time at home, most people try to pretend they don't see it, they don't address it, they stick to that work frame. But if you were to say something like, "Hey, seems like you might be going through a hard time. Do you mind if I ask how you're doing?" You'd actually be amazed at how often people want to open up about these things and how your relationships go deeper. Now, take a look at what using all 3 of these frame breaks looks like in a work environment and watch how it makes everything more enjoyable. And so, how can we make sure that they're getting the right data now so we don't have this problem again?

What's your daughter called?

She's called Scarlett.

Scarlett, I think it looks better on the lower shelf. And it's a lovely unicorn. It's a lovely unicorn. Okay, so obviously—

Wait, what's his name?

And do stop me if you need to crack on. Do tell us.

What's his name? My name is Christian.

What's his name?

His name's Christian. Christian?

Yes.

I'm just deciding where it can go, where Mummy wants it to go.

Oh, right. Where does Mummy want it to go?

I think just on that shelf is great.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry.

This is the most informative interview I've done all day.

Um, when you do what this interviewer did and what Ryan Gosling did, you immediately become the charismatic leader in any interaction because you're the person who is acknowledging the reality that everyone else pretends not to see. Because of course, we all notice when someone's kid walks into a Zoom meeting. Of course, we see that the wife or the husband is standing there idly while we're having a conversation with their partner. And of course, we notice that that coworker seems sad but is holding it in. But almost no one will take the leap and include those impossible-to-ignore things in actual conversation even though deep down, we all want to; we just think we're not allowed. And when you go first in saying the thing that everyone was thinking, you become the instant leader. That small social risk is actually what makes people like you; it makes them trust you. So if you've thought, In this video, of any frames that you're stuck in, my challenge to you today is to step outside just one of them. And if you want to get a full step-by-step guide to the little actions like this that make you magnetic in your private life, your dating life, and work, wherever, you may want to join our course, Charisma University. It's a step-by-step 30-day program that tells you exactly what to do every day so that by the end of it, you are radiating confidence and charisma without even thinking about it. Here's just a few things that our past members have said. "I had confidence in some areas but not in others. Then Charisma University changed that for me. Since beginning the program, I have seen noticeable changes in my life. It has helped me unlock the confidence that comes with knowing that I can go into any social situation and crush it." Another member wrote, "I've always been bad at expressing myself in situations that weren't one-on-one in conversations. I'd find myself hesitant to speak or I'd get caught in my own head overthinking things." "After CU, I am now way more confident in saying what I think. I feel much happier all the time. I was even able to talk to a woman I've had a crush on for about a year and made a great first impression. Overall, I love this course and I keep going back to it when I need a refresher on the daily action modules. This program is literally guaranteed to change your life which means that you can take the entire course and if you don't think it's worth every penny, you can give yourself a full refund right from inside the program." So if you want to see if this course is right for you, click the link on the screen now or in the description below. Either way, I hope that you've enjoyed today's video, and I hope to see you in the next one.