You Think You’re Charismatic… But This Proves You’re Just a People Pleaser

Today we are covering people pleasing. Now this is a very interesting topic for this channel because a lot of what we talk about is how to be charismatic, how to get people to like you, and if you don't know the difference, that can sound a lot like people pleasing. So we're going to be talking about what genuine charisma is, which we want, and this people pleasing stuff, which we don't. So we're going to cover the subtle signs that you are likely doing in your own life, how to get rid of those signs and the emotions that will be tells for each when you're doing it right and wrong. So, so to jump into it, there are three signs and three strong triggers that characterize people pleasing. The first one is a mismatch. You're looking for a mismatch between what you are saying out loud to other people and the voice in your head. So if you find yourself saying, for instance, absolutely no problem, don't mind at all, but the voice inside your head is going, oh my gosh, I don't want to do that. That guilt thing that you have coming up, strong sign that you are likely people pleasing. Now that's well and good when you can hear both of those voices clearly. The problem is sometimes guilt, people pleasing have become such a habit for people, at least in certain situations, that that internal voice is so quiet you can't even hear it. And these are some of the most amenable friendly people who think that exactly what they want is what everyone else wants. And they don't realize they've just shut off their own internal voice. And despite how kind and friendly they are to everyone else, they don't have have charisma. It's because they lack self assuredness. It's because they lack conviction. And people can detect that. If you remember from our video on the five keys to charisma, one of those is self assuredness. It's conviction. And if you are just being that tumbleweed for everybody else, you lack that your charisma is shot. So the second thing that you want to pay attention for when we are talking about how to not be a people pleaser, is going to be looking for areas in your life where you are trying to get something without being explicit about it. Now, there's nothing wrong necessarily with having trades in your life doing something for an outcome. The issue is when you have what are called covert contracts or you are doing something that on the surface is kind, but you are really expecting something in return, you haven't said so. And if you don't get it, you are going to be resentful. So maybe you are doing all these favors for your boss with the expectation that when reviewed season comes around, it's time for promotion. You get that promotion and you know for sure that you've done this. If you haven't set up any sort of agreement, but somebody breaks a rule that you haven't told them about and all of a sudden you are resentful. The issue with this is that you are lacking in authenticity. All those nice things that you are doing, there's going to be a hundred tells that they are not genuine in and of themselves. There's something that you want out of it. If you look on Reddit, the subreddit, nice guys, people who turn from gentlemen to complete cruel people in the span of a text message, people. This is an exact caricature of this thing. So you don't want to do this. It destroys your authenticity and thereby your charisma. The third thing that you're looking for is a difference in behavior between groups. Genuine personality traits will be fairly consistent across groups. If you are a certain way, you will tend to be that way with waiters and waitresses and taxi drivers all the way up to CEOs and people that you're attracted to. Now, sometimes nervousness can get in the way, but that's going to be the mode that you go based to. When you're in that people pleasing mode, you're breaking out of that. Your enthusiasm, your energy levels are wildly shifting depending on who enters the room. So the boss enters the room and you went from being the most boring, dull person to all of a sudden you're on top of it. You're eager, you're engaged, you've got really interesting questions, he leaves and with your colleagues, you're shut off. Or that attractive person comes in the room. Same sort of thing. Now you're cracking jokes, you're the funniest person, but they leave and then you're just dull. So this is a fantastic sign that you are faking it. The problem is that enthusiasm, that wild shift is detectable even to that person who hasn't seen you at your low. They can tell that there's this startup going in, that you are trying to put it on for them and that destroys your charisma. So now the natural question is, okay, so here's things that you might be doing. Maybe you know that there's a person in your life or a group of people you're doing it with. How do you get back to genuine charisma? Which would make people like you, but not just to be a pushover who is doing what everybody else says. How do you be kind without trying to make people like you? So here's three things that you can do. First, get back in touch with that internal voice. This can be tough to do if you have a habit of being a people pleaser. But one fantastic question that you can ask yourself is pick a person that triggers someone that you might be doing this with and ask yourself, if I knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt this person would handle it beautifully, I would fill in the blank. So if I knew that my boss would handle it beautifully, I'd stop laughing at all of his dumb jokes. Or if I knew that everyone in my life would handle it beautifully. One thing that's come up for me, there's a lot of people that are asking to stay at my house right around the same time I've said yes, I've started to feel stressed and resentful and frustrated. If I knew they'd all handle it beautifully, I would ask them to get a hotel instead. That first step is about being internally honest. It brings back your self assuredness and your conviction. But it's not the same as step two, which is how you express that. Because the problem with people pleasing is that it is often black and white. We think if I do not, in my case, for instance, let everyone stay at my house the entire time, then there will be a problem. They won't like me, they'll be frustrated with me, whatever it is. Oftentimes in the real world, there is a third option that works. And as I went through this kind of with myself, I realized, you know what? It's not that no one can stay with me. It's that I don't want this many people for this long. So if my mom, for instance, who was coming instead, got a hotel for a couple of nights, that would make me feel much better. And it's not like everyone else is shelling out a ton of money because I don't want to share my space. That is a way to find that third option that is going to be expressed honestly. It's slightly different from the first one, which is like, I want everyone to get away. And that is a way that you can come to a genuine, not compromise, but a realistic thing that is going to work for other people while still protecting your own boundaries. Now, the third piece is going to be going forward. You want to pay attention to the personality traits and ways of being that you feel like you can do consistently across groups of people. And if you don't feel like you can, you are likely staying in that people pleasing mode. This is how, this is the subtle difference between personal development and people pleasing. If you feel like you can only be fun and funny with people that you know that you want to like you, members of the opposite sex that you are attracted to, that you want to like you back, that's people pleasing. But if you go, you know what? It is fun for me to be more engaged, enthusiastic with everyone around me, even when I'm just in line trying to get some food or even I'm in my Uber talking to the driver. That has become a personality trait. You're no longer trying to get something from every individual, you are instead enjoying that state and in and of itself which is beneficial to the people around you. Another thing that I have found that I like to do, I like to work through problems. So independent of who it is in my life, whether it's my mom, my dad, friends, someone that I'm dating, someone that I just have gotten to know very, very recently. If they have an issue in a social situation in their life, I like to hear about it, I like to help with it. That is a consistent thing that I do and I'm not expecting them to owe me anything at the end of it. So really get in touch. What ways can you grow and what ways can you you give that are consistent amongst groups? So I hope that you have found this useful. I hope that you start to put an end to your people pleasing. If you are interested in learning how to make an authentic, amazing first impression, we have a video that can help you with that. It covers the four emotions that everyone feels every time that someone has made an amazing first impression on them. And if you begin to understand what these are, you can do it in a genuine way and not in this people pleasing mode. So if you would like to go ahead, check that video out, you can click the link in the description below or the one on screen now. Either way, I hope that you have enjoyed this video. Make sure to subscribe and hit that notification bell if you haven't yet done so. I know that YouTube doesn't send these videos to everyone anymore. I hope you have enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.