In this instructional video, Connor Beaton addresses the common challenge couples face when trying to initiate intimacy. He explains that routine and shame—often rooted in cultural or religious upbringing—can make initiating sex feel awkward, leading to reduced sexual frequency. Beaton proposes three primary approaches: (1) Lead the charge by making a clear declaration of intent, either to initiate oneself or to invite the partner to do so, and follow up with open questions about turn‑ons and preferences; (2) Move beyond the stale “Do you want to have sex?” script by using detailed, personalized communication—such as asking specific preference questions and discussing fantasies—to create excitement; (3) Employ “advanced initiation” through non‑physical cues like text messages or verbal descriptions that build anticipation and convey desire. He also warns that avoiding these conversations can push partners toward pornography or internal fantasies, which can further erode intimacy. The video concludes with a call to share the advice with one’s partner and to reach out to Beaton via Instagram or Facebook for further guidance.
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So we're going to talk about how to initiate sex or intimacy with your partner. Let's dive in because the reality is that for many couples, initiating intimacy can be a challenge. It can be something that falls into a routine or a habit, and you kind of initiate sex the same way over and over again. And maybe that gets boring for you. And maybe that becomes the thing that starts to be the reason why you're not having more sex in your relationship more often. So, When to initiate, how to initiate, what to do. These are all questions that I get from clients that are in relationships. And so we're gonna dive into it. So one of the very first way that I encourage couples to actually engage in this is to lead the charge. And couples can often get tripped up of sort of deciding who should be the one to initiate. And, there's a lot of research around who tends to initiate and who likes to initiate. And, the reality is that both men and women have some shame around initiating in sex. And, women oftentimes, depending on their upbringing, depending on the religious circles that they grew up in, depending on their family's relationship to sex and sexuality, women will have their own shame or shyness or hesitation around initiating sex because of what it actually means or can say about them as a woman. Well, one of the things that you can do to lead the charge and really get things rolling is to make a declaration. Now, a declaration to your partner can be something as simple as being able to say, hey, you know what, I'm going to commit to engaging in and initiating sex more often. I'm gonna commit to that. I'm gonna take leadership over that. It's something that I kind of like enjoying, enjoy doing. Or you can make the declaration, an invitation that you'd like them to initiate sex more frequently with you. And out of that, have a bit of a conversation and a dialogue either way around what you would like to explore. So if you're the one that is going to lead the charge and you're saying, hey, I would like to initiate sex more often with you, one of the best follow-up questions Yeah. So some questions for that is, what really turns you on? What do you like? What do you enjoy? What do you want me to explore with you? What would be a good way to let you know without having to say the words of, hey, do you wanna go have sex? Which is where a lot of couples kind of get tripped up in is they can get into a routine of saying, hey, do you wanna have sex now? Or, you know, kind of being sheepish about it and a little shy around it. Without doing that, how do you want me to explore Initiating sex with you. When it comes to sex, when it comes to intimacy and foreplay, guys, we don't always need to physically touch our partners in order to excite them. And ladies, you don't always need to touch your partner in order to excite them. It can be a simple text message. That can be the art of advanced initiation, actually reaching out to them and saying things like, hey, just so you know, I am really— I was really turned on by you this morning, and I'm really looking forward to seeing you again tonight. And maybe even expressing verbally some of the things that you would like to do with them or to them, and actually going into detail and expressing some of the things that you'd like to explore with them. And that can be a little confronting. It can be a little maybe embarrassing for you or taboo or a little out and edgy for you, or that can be completely normal depending on where you're at. But being able to express that and start to build Some hype. And if you know that your partner likes certain things or specific things and it turns them on and gets them in the mood, then you can start to express those things. And you can say, hey, later on, this is what I want to do to you. Or when I see you again, this is what I want to have happen. And actually lay out in some detail, as much as you're comfortable with and as much as you feel comfortable with expressing, actually start to go into a little bit of detail around The type of fantasy or vision that you have for the sex and intimacy that you are going to enact later on. And so that can kind of lead your partner through this journey of getting very excited, of not necessarily knowing what's going to happen or what's coming, but it puts your partner, if you are the one that is giving the commands, it puts your partner in this very relaxed space, but also this very excited space where they don't know where this is going. They're not too sure what's gonna happen. The challenge is that oftentimes couples feel awkward about having these conversations. And rather than have these conversations, they run the story that their partner's not open to exploring sexually, or they just give up and they go get their needs met from pornography and they explore fantasies in that way. Or they explore their fantasies mentally with themselves, but they never actually bring them into the relationship. Or they just say, you know what? I don't think that I really have any fantasies whatsoever, and can oftentimes shut down from exploring Some of the things that would create a deeper sense of intimacy emotionally and sexually and mentally and, and even spiritually. So that's what I have for you today. I hope that this served you. I definitely encourage you to share this with your partner. Write me back if you have any questions, either on Instagram or on Facebook. Write me back and let me know how these landed for you. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.
