3 Ways To REWIRE Your Attachment Style

You were asking me, how do we, how do anxiously attach men break out of that? And there's actually two outcomes when anxiously attached men break out of that one. Yes, secure attachment. You can absolutely fix your attachment styles. That's one thing I want to hammer in right now is you don't have to stick with whatever, whatever your attachment quizzes you take online or whatever you identify with. You are not stuck there. That's why I, when I began this process, I hated attachment styles. I would not talk about them because people wanted to take them on like zodiac signs and say, all right, well I'm, I'm an anxious today, so let's look at my horoscop. And that's not it. People do not do that. You can change and become secure and it does not take three years. There's a couple steps that you need to follow. Number one is identifying the core elements of yourself. And when men do this, they're defining principles, their values, the things they put aside when it comes time to make a decision. Right? Honesty, courage, compassion for others, loyalty, integrity, keeping your word, freedom, creativity, whatever values you have, your honor code, if you will. That is what men throw away, especially nice guys. Oh, no. I'm in a circumstance where someone might be mad at me. Throw out everything that makes me proud of myself and have any self esteem, do whatever's going to make somebody happy so that I feel safe. And that's, that's why they hate themselves. That's what leads to that self loathing. So number one is identify that core code that you want to live by. Number two is to start instilling that in yourself. Daily with practices, meditation practices, phone reminders, writing on your bathroom mirror and dry erase marker. It's one of the first thing I have my coaching clients do. Write your code on your bathroom mirror. Set phone reminders every day that ping. You meditate on it for five minutes every night. Did I uphold my values today or did I give in to them? If I gave in to the fear, what am I going to do differently tomorrow to maximize my chances of going up 1% over time? Every day you boost that, Then you go and you open up to somebody else. One person. You have what I call the I am an anxious person speech. Hey, I just want to tell you, you might already know this about me, but I'm an anxious person and I overthink things. I play games, I try to make people like me and I hate it. I never want to do it again. And I'm telling you because I trust you. So let's build a relationship that is honest and open. And if I have confusion or need clarity, can I just ask you and you do the same with me, and odds are good the other person is going to say, yeah, I already knew this about you. Yeah, that's fine. Let's do that. Who you relax and you get all this rush of good hormones and bonding chemicals and everything you didn't really get much of before. And then you start feeling better. And the more that you lean into those relationships, the more open you are. It's like filling an experience gauge in a video game. You're leveling up. Your goal is to fill that up and fill that up and identify that the magic number by, by anecdotal evidence through my clients seems to be three people. When you have three people who fully accept you and you are able to be open with them and reality test with them when you have irrational fears, when you do that over and over and over, it reprograms your brain every single time. So maybe John Bolu saying two to three years for fully 100% rock solid, secure attachment, but it grows drastically. Even within a couple of months of these efforts, you'll see tremendous growth. If you really st with it, I'll pause for breath. Do you have any questions on that? Otherwise, I'll tell you where it goes wrong. When nice guys try to break out.

No, I mean, I think that that tactical approach is very helpful because there is something in there about being able to trust the connection again, you know, like, I know in.

I know in like developmental psychology, in those early few stages, it's a lot of am I okay? Is my world okay? Or it's, that's reverse. It's is my world okay? And then am I okay? And if we don't get. Get that neurologically and in our nervous system, it can be very hard to reconfigure that. And so I love the tactical approach because what you're sort of saying and that what you're laying out there is just a pathway for guys to then recondition their nervous system. To say, I'm okay being honest, I'm okay being forthcoming. I'm okay telling the truth about my needs and my wants and my desires and, you know, how I want to fuck in the bedroom and like, all that kind of stuff, which is usually somewhere down the line. Maybe don't start with that one. But, um. Or do. I mean, I don't know, it's your life, but it could be the place where you want to start. But you're giving a sort of pathway towards understanding that attachment and connection relationship is safe and trustworthy and that your needs are going to be prioritized. And so that's awesome. Please go ahead and tell us where it goes awry.

Really quick. Let's jump in there. It's not just that you are dismantling the fear and soothing the nervous system. You're releasing of the big five brain chemicals. There's a lot of brain chemicals, but the big five that we really look at with attachment. Attachment oxytocin, which is the love hormone, makes you feel loved and safe. If you got inconsistent attached oxytocin as a kid, that often leads to that anxious attachment. You're chasing it. You're a junkie all the time for the rest of your life trying to get loved and safe again. Oxytocin releases something called GABA. Gamma Aminobi uric acid. GABA is an inhibitory neurotransmitter that shuts down the release of cortisol. It minimizes the release of cortisol, shortens the length of the release of cortisol. It's an anti anxiety and antidepressant. It also helps synthesize melatonin. It also helps you be efficient on utilizing magnesium to relax and sleep and let your muscles uncramp. So you have to have a lot of oxytocin to really release an adequate supply of gaba. If you don't, I mean, that's literally your brain saying, somebody loves me, I don't have to be scared. That's those two chemicals. If you don't have them, you don't have them. The next one is vasopressin. It's the hormone release. When you solve stress together, it's men accomplishing something together. It is resolving a challenge together. Men are goal oriented. Who knew that men have a little bit more receptors for vasopressin than women do? But we all have the receptors for it. It. And when you have receptor vasopressin, your system, it actually makes you more protective of other people. But it also, the research shows, makes you feel safer. Because you're saying, I have allies that solve stress with me. I'm not alone. Right? You don't have lone wolf syndrome anymore. Next is serotonin. You can get this through a number of ways, but especially through deep abiding relational connections and good conversation, good memories, good moments, peace. Right? People who have bad attachment, if they're on the self improvement path, they obsess over serotonin. But they're never going to get as much as they need because they, they won't get it through their relationships. The last one is dopamine. Right? When you have attachment issues and you're alone and you're separated from other people, you don't have conversations to that depth. You don't open up, you don't share, you don't bond, you don't solve problems together. Your brain looks like this. And you have dopamine, which is going to lead to porn addiction, it's going to lead to sugar addiction, it's going to lead to nicotine addiction, it's going to lead to all kinds of impulsive behaviors. Every time you're stressed out, you're going to binge on dopamine. That's all you're going to think about, and that's going to be your primary driver for life is dopamine. And then your relationships are going to wear out at about seven months because you won't get the novelty dopamine anymore. From the first seven months of relationship, then they start to fall apart. When you fix your attachment, yeah, it soothes your nervous system. But then your brain does this inside your relationships and opens up like this and you have a full, rich life and it feels good. And you have discipline and control and fulfillment. And then it feels amazing. Then nature takes its course, and then you want to have secure attachment, so you lead in that direction. It's not like, oh, I have to suffer through fixing my attachment. No, you fix it a little bit. Then you have an amazing experience where you open up and you get these chemicals. You go, whoa, what was that? And then you start leaning into it. It feels great. That's, that's, that's the good part. Everybody out there. So if you're afraid to fix your attachment, you feel like it's going to be a living hell. It's amazing. You're already in a bit of a living hell. It feels so much better once you fix it. Fix it. And it feels so good. As far as falling apart, the sad, sad, terrible truth that I have seen that I hate is that a lot of anxiously attached men, they tend to connect with the opposite. They tend to connect with avoidantly attached women or women with personality disorders, or they just fall apart in relationships, even with nice women, and they ruin them because they won't open up about their needs. And then they feel like a victim. Then they go online and they type in bad woman, hurt me. Right? Or they, you know, what does it mean when a woman is manipulative? What does it mean when a woman is unkind to you. Why are women so mean? And the only thing they're really going to find online is fairly radicalized red pill circles of formerly anxiously attached men who have never met a securely attached woman. It seems it appears that they were primarily hurt by women with personality disorders. And now they have codified how to act around women with personality disorders or into how to treat all women forever. Because all women on earth have borderline personality disorder. And all women are waiting to shank you with a knife and laugh at you. All women will cheat on you if you have the slightest emotion. All women are just waiting to trade up at the moment's notice, and they have no loyalty or kindness whatsoever. All women are sociopaths. And that is. That is the sad version of how men get out of an anxious attachment because they become avoidant attached. The red pill circles teach men. Most gurus over in the red pill circles, I should say, teach men how to switch to avoidant behaviors, how to use avoidant behaviors, in fact, to then prey upon anxiously attached women who are insecure, who are otherwise very kind and very sweet, but are already hurt and are afraid, and then to prey upon them, pit them against each other, and then emotionally coerce them into all kinds of sexual shenanigans. And it just turns these men into people they don't want to be, which is why they're in it for a couple years. And yeah, they usually have more sex, but then they start to really be disgusted by themselves and very unhappy because all they're doing is going through one relationship after another, and that's not what they want either. So then they start looking for another answer. So guys out there, if you're anxiously attached, becoming avoidant is not the answer. Becoming afraid of women is not the answer. Fear is not the answer. Manipulation is not the answer. Women out there, same thing. If you've been hurt by an avoidant man, becoming manipulative and hurtful yourself is not the answer. Do not be afraid. Secure attachment is where you're looking for.