A Man’s Guide To Being Naturally Attractive (Whether You’re Single or In a Relationship)

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We talking about A Man's Guide to being Naturally Attractive. Whether you are single or you're dating, maybe even married, whichever one. Either way, don't forget to man it forward. Share this episode with somebody that you know needs to hear it or enjoy it. And don't forget to subscribe, whether you're listening on Spotify or watching this on YouTube with your eyeballs. All right, let's get into it. I've been wanting to do this for a while. I've had a lot of guys ask me about what, you know, creates attraction. And I'm not gonna speak on women's behalf necessarily. And I'm not going to talk to you about the normal crap. Right. I think I've. I've watched a whole bunch of videos in preparation for this and it was, it was almost mind numbing how much of the crap out there is so basic. It's like, yes, do all the obvious things, you know, move out of your mom's basement, stop vaping or smoking so much weed and drinking off after eating a bag of potato chips all the time. Go to the gym, you know, make some money, learn about money. Like, yes to all those basic things. But there's more to attraction than just that. And that's what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about what actually creates real attraction. And some of the things are probably not what you think they are. So let's just start with number one, Be untamable. Be somewhat untamable. Now, this is a little bit of a different take on attraction, but when you look at something like A Billion Wicked Thoughts, which is a book that, you know, these sort of Google Analytic nerds put together geeks, which, by the way, no hate on the nerds and the geeks. I love them. I've worked with many of them. I'm not one because my brain doesn't work like that. But shout out to all the geeks and the nerds out there, we love you. Thank you so much. I mean, at one point I worked for Best Buy and they literally had something called Geek Squad, which I always loved. I was like, man, you guys are just owning it. Anyway, be untamable. Be somewhat untamable. Why is this important when you look at something like a billion wicked thoughts? The Google engineers, what they were looking at was a whole bunch of different data points for what people were searching for. And they stumbled across this interesting piece around women's desires, women's fantasies. And when you look at a lot of women's fantasies, whether it's in a romance novel or what they're searching for online or the dynamic that they're looking for in porn. What you begin to find is that women are attracted to a kind of very powerful, sometimes monster like, sometimes beast like individual that they sort of tame over time. And if you look at something like 50 Shades of Gray, here's this wildly successful, you know, billionaire playboy who's incredibly powerful, who's, who seems like nothing can reign him in. And of course the, the woman in the book manages to domesticate him and tame him to a certain degree. Right. And that creates the, the, the love arc. I mean you can look at Beauty and the Beast is another one. Belle sort of tames this wild, literally wild beast who turns into a prince. And you can look at so many of the female fantasies, romance novels, you can talk to women and really get a sense of like, what do you look for in a man? Or you know, if you're, if you want to get an even better look at it, it's like, watch who those women are dating and that will give you an even better sense than maybe what they're telling you. Because they might say, oh, I want this, you know, really nice, really caring, really compassionate guy. But then who they're dating is this guy who, you know, yeah, he's kind, yeah, he can be compassionate, but he also has this really edgy, kind of untamable part of him that she's grappling with. And so this is a part that a lot of modern men have lost. You know, if you don't have challenge in your life, if you're not taking risk in your life, if you're very risk averse, risk avoidant, then you are probably very, very tame. Now I'm not saying that you should be, be wild and you know, do all kinds of crazy stuff, but you probably need to develop this kind of wild beast, like part of you. And in the book Iron John, for those of you who have read of it, read it or heard of it by Robert Bly, he talks about how the importance of a young man and a man needing to, what's called, bucket out the water to find the wild man in the depths of our being. And this is sort of symbolic for being, being able to go into your own psyche and develop a relationship with the wild man that is in you. And so you can do that in a number of different ways. One, start to take some smart risks and start to do things that maybe go against your innate, safety oriented, protection oriented, anti risk oriented identity. This is very, very powerful because what it signals is that you are capable of a analyzing risk, assessing risk, and you're able to mitigate some of the challenges that come along with risk. And that's attractive, right? A man that is able to face adversity, face risk, and sometimes is choosing risk consistently shows a sort of different level of status because it is confronting, it's sometimes dangerous to choose the path that is risky. It's, you know, entrepreneurs are taking a risk constantly because of the rates that businesses fail. So these types of things are going to help you to start to develop this kind of untamable Persona and nature within yourself. And again, it's not even about being seen as somewhat untamable or having these untamable parts inside of you for attracting a woman. It's actually because this helps to sharpen your own masculine edge. This helps to develop your own life level of manhood. This will help you to develop a deeper level of respect within yourself. And unfortunately, a lot of young men go about this through the phase of. I can't remember exactly what it's called, but it's like young man syndrome or something like that, where between the ages of 16 and 25 or 27 young men, you know, it's the, the, the place in life where we have the highest mortality rates, where we have the highest injury rates, where we have the highest rates of being jailed and committing crimes, people. Because in that space, usually men are grappling with this part of themselves, right? And I went through this myself. I was street racing motorcycles, I was stunting motorcycles, I was running from the police on my motorcycle. I had like, you know, 2 inch metal spikes like a mohawk on my motorcycle helmet. I was getting into bar fights, I was taking risks with money. I was taking, I mean, I was just taking risks in a lot of different ways. And I was very sort of wild. And a lot of men in our modern culture, a lot of young men especially, have been so over overly tamed and overly domesticated and afraid to take risks, that they are so tame and so safe. And I'm not saying that you need to be unsafe or that you need to be specifically dangerous, but you need to have the capacity for that. Like a woman needs to feel you in some ways. A buddy of mine, Trevor Bohm, has a great saying which is be dangerous, but not a danger, right? So in this, it's the, it's the notion that you have the capacity to be somewhat dangerous, that you can take care of yourself, that there's kind of a wildness in you, that you have capacity for that, but that you have some type of control over that. Now if you don't have that and that's not developed, then a whole bunch of stuff can happen. One, women might not found you, not might not be able to really feel attracted to you. They might feel like, oh, you're a nice safe guy, but I don't really feel a spark or a charge with you. You might hear statements like that. And you might also just not be putting yourself in situations where you're going to be attracting women in the first place. Because men that have this kind of untamable part or connection to themselves and I joke around with my wife all the time that like there's, there's just parts of me that she will never change or tame. And it's this like ongoing joke in our relationship of like you'll, you'll never fully domesticate me. Like there's just, that's just a lost cause. It's completely hopeless. And she kind of, you know, sometimes she'll roll her eyes and she'll chuckle and, and but she, she likes that part because no woman wants to feel like she's in complete control of you. No woman wants to feel like she's completely responsible for you. A woman wants to be able to trust you. And when that happens it puts her in a very mothering role. Like she has sort of taken over your emotional landscape. She can get you to do whatever she wants. And there's never any real pushback, there's never any real sovereignty or autonomy on your part. So start to find ways to develop this untamable nature. And again, it's not in any every single way but to have access to this part of like you won't tame this part. This part of me is wild and it's free and it's mine. And it's a part. And it's a part of me that I've connected to and that I've developed and I've fostered over the years. And so that might mean that you start you know, going off grid camping or you take on, you know, a, a sport that feels intense. Maybe you start to do Brazilian jiu jitsu or martial arts. I do Muay Thai a couple times a week, which I absolutely love. And it's a place for me to channel that kind of untamable wild beast that knows that he could head kick, you know, a six foot three dude. Just, just because again, it's not that I'm going to go put myself in a situation to do that, but it's to know that I have access to that part inside of me because we as men, that's part of our journey to reconcile with our own sense of power. So that's number one. Number two, I'm going to go through these last ones a little bit faster. Number two is develop emotional sovereignty. Develop emotional sovereignty. What does that mean? It means stop taking her emotions so personally. Stop personalizing how she's feeling constantly. This will create attraction. When you have some space and separation between how a woman that you're dating or or married to is feeling and how you're responding doesn't mean that you don't take responsibility for some things. It doesn't mean that there's no apologies. It simply means that you're not personalizing everything. What happens for a lot of modern men is they've been told to caretake women's emotions and how they've interpreted that is that they're responsible for how a woman's feeling. You know, this whole notion of happy wife, happy life. And so what a lot of men do is they take on, I'm responsible for how she's feeling. And so if she's feeling sad or upset or angry, he gets all distraught and disheveled and.

His whole rational thinking and his whole being gets turned towards, how do I fix this problem for her? Versus I trust her to be able to take care of herself and take care of herself emotionally. And I don't need to personalize how she's feeling right now. I can listen, I can hear. So be able to apologize, be able to repair after a conflict, be able to regulate your own nervous system and have some separation between who you are as a, you know, boyfriend, as a husband, as a partner. Have some separation between that and your partner's emotional experience. This will be very attractive for a lot of women because you will be able to hold space. Uh, the reason why maybe you've heard that term, maybe you haven't, gets thrown around a lot in therapy speak. But the reason why a lot of women don't feel like their male counterpart, the male partner can hold space, is that he's personalizing how she's feeling. He's taking responsibility for how she's feeling, even if he doesn't feel directly responsible for her grief or her sadness. What happens for a lot of you guys is that when your woman is feeling something that is unsavory, you take the responsibility of trying to fix it, and that collapses any type of space. Number three, direction and discipline. Having a mission, having a direction in your Life having an upward aim that you are moving towards within your life, something that you want to build, something you want to create a trajectory in your career. Um, stagnation really kills attraction. Men underestimate how much stagnation kills attraction. And for a lot of you that are out there, if you feel like you lack purpose, you feel like you lack a mission, you're like, I'm not really too sure, maybe you're like, you're like, I'm 22, I'm still in university or college. I don't really have that like mission purpose focus right now. That's okay. Let your mission or your purpose be developing yourself into your highest or best self. That can be a really wonderful mission or direction that will, will really showcase that. You are developing discipline. You are creating routines and habits. You have the ability to set boundaries to say no. You have the ability to prioritize yourself in a way that, that shows that you are working towards some higher aim. Women are drawn towards men who have momentum. Women are drawn towards men that have momentum. And this is really part of, I mean, we could get into the conversation around hypergamy and status and all of that type of stuff, but really it's showing that you are moving in an upward trajectory in some way, shape or form. And so if you don't know what's happening in your career, you don't have a sense of like real big clarity around what you want to be doing with your life in terms of purpose or business or career, that's okay. Have an aim of what you are working on in yourself. It might be simple things like not, not drinking or getting yourself into shape or prioritizing, learning about money and finances and that you are looking at saving money and investing, you know, in a really responsible way, all of that will show direction and show discipline. Number four is, is have some non negotiables. Please, dear lord, have some non negotiables. A lot of men out there do not have any non negotiables about what they're looking for specifically in a woman. And it's almost become like faux pas in some ways for men to have non negotiables. And what I mean by this is, for example, having a, you know, having the non negotiable that you are won't tolerate disrespect in relationship, right name calling, character assassination that those things are not welcome in a relationship that at least with you and, and stating that fairly early on in the dating process. And look, if you've been with a partner for a Number of years, maybe you're married and that has not been set into place. You, you can start to institute, hey, this is a non negotiable for me. We've let this go for too long and I really want this to be a part of our relationship. So the other thing in terms of non negotiable that I would just say one, that for me, if I was dating, if I was single, just a non negotiable for me is that the women that I would date have to like men. They have to, they have to see the inherent value in men and, and appreciate masculinity in men. I would not be interested in dating a lot of these women that are out there that are like the world would be better without men. Men are the problem. I want nothing to do with that type of woman because I respect women. I see women's inherent value and I want that respect to be reciprocated. Not because I think I deserve it or I'm entitled to it or anything like that, but because of the simple fact that if you are a man or a woman and you hate the opposing sex that is going to be carried into your relationship and at the end of the day that is an unreconciled wound within you, right? No woman in her right mind would want to date a man who doesn't like women, who dislikes women, who hates women and who openly talks about that and says that women are the problem. Why? Because she could be assured that she's going to be the fundamental problem in the relationship. And so a non negotiable for me. And what I would encourage you men to sort of take on is find women that see the value in men. There's a lot of women out there right now, unfortunately, that are saying, you know the world, be better off with men. Why do we even need men? I don't need a man in my life. Men are just more of a hassle, yada, yada, yada. That to me is a big red flag. And so for me it's a non negotiable that women just like men, that they have an appreciation of men, of masculinity, of manhood and what you can bring to the table and contribute to the relationship. Because if not, you will always be the fundamental problem. What I have seen time and time again is that when a woman has that mentality that men are not necessary, aren't needed, that she doesn't need a man in the relationship, he is always the problem. He's always the problem for like 90% of the issues that come up relationally, they stem from her unconscious wounding and irreconciliation with men in the masculine because she was probably hurt at some point by a father figure or a man in her life or somebody that she dated, et cetera. And that's on her to reconcile and heal. And it's not on you to disprove that story. Next, last but not least, is being unapologetically you. Being unapologetically you. A lot of talk about authenticity these days, but the truth is that you just own who you are. And you know, at the end of the day, we are. You are human beings looking to belong, right? Every single person is looking to belong. And you kind of have to go against the grain of all this BS pickup artist crap that infiltrated the Internet for like a decade and told men, turn yourself into a pretzel of a man that you are not. Pretend to be this smooth talking guy that has these, you know, specific tactics and sentences and phrases and way of being that can get a woman. But then inevitably you start to run into problem that none of those women really know who you are and it might get you laid, but you never feel satiated or satisfied because you're never really known in a relationship. And so for me, the tactic that I unintentionally took for a long time, that honestly worked really well for me, is I was just unapologetically me. I was just me. Whether it was wild, whether it was, you know, kind of crude and lewd, sometimes, sometimes my sense of humor is, is really off the cuff and kind of like over the line. Used to have like, really sexual humor. Whether you are, you know, a nerd, if you're just a big geek and you love computers and quantum physics, like own that. If you, you know, if you're a stock geek and you love finances, talk about that. Be honest about it. If you just love creatine and pushing weights, get into that, talk about that. Because the truth is, you are going to want to be chosen for, for who you are and not who you're pretending to be. I'm going to say that again. You are going to want to be chosen for the man that you are and the man that you're becoming and not the man that you are pretending to be. That facade is a recipe for disaster. And so if you really want to be attractive, be unapologetically who you are rather than trying to pretzel yourself into some image in your marriage or in your relationship or in your dating life of a man that you think somebody's going to like, it takes a tremendous amount of energy and you will always be disappointed on the other side of that. And the other thing here, at the very last point I want to make is that this requires that you start to figure out who the fuck you are as a man. Okay? This is predicated on the found on the foundation of you starting to figure out who you actually are as a man. And at the end of the day, if I could leave you with anything is that that is arguably one of the single most attractive things to a woman, is that you know who you are as a man. Your values, your morals, your ethics, your likes, your dislikes, what you'll put up with, what you won't. And it doesn't mean that those things have to stay the same forever, but it just means that you're very clear about what those things are so that she knows what what she's choosing. And that is half the battle and half the game. So comment below if you're watching this on YouTube or on Spotify where you can comment, let me know what you would add to this and which one you are working on. Don't forget to men it forward. And until next week, Connor Beon signing off.