A Man's Guide To: Dating An Anxious Person

All right, you 80,000 marvelous men, welcome back to the Man Talk show. I say 80,000 because we hit 80,000 subscribers on YouTube, which is absolutely phenomenal. Thank you so much for everybody that is a part of the audience and community. And thank you for everybody that tunes into the podcast on Spotify or Apple or wherever you tune into it on. We have now hundreds and hundreds of thousands of downloads a month and that is billions of blowing my mind. So thank you so much for being a part of this community and this conversation. Let's dive into today's topic. What do you do? How do you handle dating a anxious woman? This is a question that I have had a lot. And for those of you that are out there, for those guys that you are out there that are not dating a woman, but you have an anxious man or partner in your life, everything I am about to say applies to you. So do not check out our tune out because this is still going to apply to you. So how do you deal? How do you navigate with a partner who has a very anxious attachment or they're just an anxious person to begin with? Here's the big thing I want you to know straight out of the gates, one of the most important elements to undoing this dynamic, okay, people with a lot of anxiety, they will generally attract people that create a classic over functioning and under functioning dynamic. That's I've seen this in pretty much every relationship where one person is more secure, more grounded, more calm and the other one is more anxious. So one person might be the over functioning one and the other one will be the under functioning one. And it doesn't have to be. It's not like the anxious person is always the over functioner or always the under functioner. This is the, the key is that it can be either person. So some anxious people will get into a relationship and they're like the, you know, classic over functioner. They're controlling everything. They're constantly stressed, they're constantly following up a lot about details in the relationship or life, talking about the schedule, talking about what's going to happen tomorrow or next weekend. And the other person is more laid back, more sort of like go with the flow, doesn't really track things as much and doesn't feel as responsible for the things that are happening in the relationship. And they often are really frustrated by their partner's, you know, hyper vigilance. Now that's one category of anxious person. The other category, so that's the anxious person who is the over functioner and the anxious person who is the under functioner is sort of crippled by the anxiety. So they don't want to go out. They get stressed out about having to do things around the house or the chores. Their anxiety starts to come out when it comes to like social situations or planning anything in the future. And so all of a sudden when you start to talk about like, you know, hey babe, I want to like go see that, you know, I want to go see Dune 2 in theaters. Although I think it's, it's definitely out of theaters now because I just watch it at home. But you know, I want to go see this movie this weekend. And they all of a sudden start to get stressed out and they can't plan it. They, they, you know, they, they don't want to think about what's happening in the future. They are forgetting the details of what's going on in your relationship a week or two down the road. And they are under fun functioning when it comes to things around the house. And you're generally the person that is scheduling things, keeping track of the calendar, making sure that things around the house are being taken care of, the bills are being paid, et cetera. So the anxious person can be the over functioner or the under functioner. The really important thing that I want you to start to think about is if you are dating an anxious person, what role are you playing and what role are they playing? Are they the over functioner and you're the under functioner? Are they the under functioner and you're the over functioner? Where you're constantly sort of taking responsibility for absolutely everything in the relationship and around the house. And again, it's not everything, everything in a universal sense, but you're dealing with a lot. So knowing that dynamic is super, super important. And here's the thing, it can be hard to admit, especially if you are the under functioner in the relationship. It can be hard to admit some guys will have a lot of shame around this. But what I want you to know is there's like one of them isn't better than the other, right? Like just because you over function doesn't mean that you're better than the under functioner. And I say that because that's often what happens in a relationship is that a dynamic where you have one person over functioning and under functioning, the over functioner is usually saying things that imply that their hyper vigilance and their over functioning is better than your under functioning. And it can push you and that person into this dynamic that feels very hard to get out of. So Again, anxious people attract partners where it creates a under functioning and over functioning dynamic. Every time. I have not yet seen a relationship where this has not been true. And it is incredibly important that you and your partner have the conversation, the really hard conversation of are you the over functioner or, or am I the over functioner? And you'll probably know pretty quickly. Watch this video with them. The two of you will probably be able to very quickly identify like, oh, I'm the under functioner in this relationship for sure. And part of undoing and supporting that person with their anxiety is ending this over functioning and under functioning dynamic. Because here's the thing, whether your anxious partner is the over or under functioner, that role allows them to stay in their anxiety. And I haven't seen many people talk about this ever. And so you have to be willing as a couple to undo this over under functioning dynamic. It will benefit you, it will benefit them. You will come closer together as a couple in your relationship. The intimacy will grow, you will trust one another more. But more specifically it will help to alleviate some of their anxiousness and it will cause you to have to confront something that, that you've likely been avoiding, which is the reason why you're in an under functioning or over functioning dynamic. Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk about the signs that your partner has a lot of anxiety, the impact on you, and then what to do. Five things that you can do immediately to support your partner, but also move out of this sort of like anxious dance. So the signs are pretty simple. You've probably heard of some of these. You probably felt some of these over texting, over communicating, constantly checking in with you emotionally, like, are you okay? How are we doing? How are things going? Like, do you feel connected to me? Or a constant criticism? I don't, I don't really feel connected. I don't really feel like things are going well. And there's kind of this always undercurrent of checking in or telling you that there's something inherently wrong all the time needing lots of validation. Another sign of that anxiousness, they can come across as not trusting you, which can be very, very challenging. Even if you haven't done anything wrong, they can be sort of on the hunt constantly and hyper vigilant for, you know, this notion that you might leave them or you might get something wrong, you're going to betray them or certainly some, at some point in the future you're going to do something that is, that's going to betray them or cause some type of rift between the two of you. They can be over overly critical and constantly worrying. And so that, you know, anxiousness will come out in that way. They can kind of be distracted and on edge. And so, you know, this is being around the person who's constantly checking their phone, constantly following up about certain things. They can, you know, you'll be talking to them and all of a sudden they'll just like, start talking about something else. And you're like, I was literally just speaking at you, like, what's, what happened there? And that's just a sign that their anxiety is causing them to shift focus pretty consistently. They can have lots of negativity, lots of worry. They can have, and this is an interesting one, they can have a much lower sex drive or a much higher sex drive. Usually the lower sex drive is that the anxiety is taking such a toll on their body that they don't have a ton of energy. And that will usually coincide with them being sick a lot. I've seen this time and time again. Or they'll have a very high sex drive. And, and it's because they're sort of utilizing sex and climax as a means of helping them to just feel a little bit more calm, a little bit more grounded, a little bit more regulated. So those are the two modes. Very low sex drive or very high sex drive. They can get easily overwhelmed. So, you know, just even sort of like mundane things that for use, don't seem like that big of a deal will all of a sudden, you know, trigger them to go into being critical or being really worried about something or, you know, pulling something out from the past. So they can get very easily overwhelmed and can't have that conversation with you. And then lastly, they can be very, very irritable, so they don't want to go out or be in situations where they might feel that the anxiety is going to come on. So you might be planning like, hey, let's go to this concert or this comedy show or out to dinner at this place. And they will come up with some adjacent reason why they can't go do that. Not because they're busy, but it's like, no, I don't. Oh, I don't really like the food at that restaurant, or I don't really wanna go do that. So those are some of the signs of anxiousness in your partner, the impact on you. Generally, a lot of frustration.

Sometimes over personalizing, like taking on the responsibility of trying to help your partner feel better can be very, very taxing. It can feel like you are doing a lot of the heavy lifting in the. Especially if you are the over functioner, if you're in that seat. It can feel like, man, I'm just, I do so much around the house with the kids in our careers, making sure the bills are paid and the car is everything and blah, blah, blah, blah. So it can feel like you are doing a lot of the heavy big lifting in the relationship. It can feel like you're not getting your needs met, you know, where it doesn't seem to be that your needs are a priority because their anxiousness and their anxiety is occupying so much oxygen in the room of your relationship. And that can cause resentment to build. So resentment and contempt is a really big one that can start to come up, which I would just say immediately you need to address with your partner, whether it's with a third party, a couples therapists, et cetera. But you need to address as soon as resentment or contempt starts to build. A lot of research has shown that contempt and resentment are essentially like acid for intimacy. It will erode your intimacy and the connection between the two of you incredibly quickly. It is the thing that I wish every single couple knew, every single human being knew. As soon as resentment and contempt starts to take hold in your relationship, you need to address it immediately because that is a sign that some pretty significant disconnection is starting to take place. Especially if it's resentment or contempt that you had for a while and you've had about some very, you know, specific things in the relationship, whether it's sex or feeling like you're taking things on all the time, or, you know, feeling frustrated because the other person is like constantly on your ass or like whatever it is. The other impacts on you if you are dating an anxious person might be that you feel very burnt out, you feel very tired of the situation, of the anxiety, of you feel burnt out from having to sort of take on so much. And the anxiety can feel like it rules the roost of the relationship. It can feel like everything that happens in the relationship when you have sex, when you watch certain movies, when you go out for certain dinners or hang out with certain friends or go to certain shows or travel to certain places or whatever it is. It can feel like the relationship is sort of dictated and driven by that person's anxiety, which again can be quite frustrating depending on the degree of anxiety that that person is struggling with. Now, obviously immense amount of empathy for people that struggle with anxiety. It can be crippling, it can be debilitating and really be an experience.

That is hard to explain to people that have not experienced anxiety. Especially if you are dating a partner who has, you know, an anxiety disorder or has sort of chronic anxiousness or has really severe social anxiety. If you're dating a person that has anxiety to the point of like, depersonalization, which happens more so in men than it does in women. And that depersonalization is simply that reality starts to sort of feel flat, and that person can feel so anxious that they kind of disembodied from themselves and they are questioning whether or not their reality is sort of real. It can be a very, very frightening experience for somebody that's experiencing the anxiety and experiencing that depersonalization. So I want to just say I have a tremendous amount of empathy if you are the anxious partner, man, I get it. It's so challenging to express to the other person what's happening. And it can feel very a shame. You can have a lot of shame around it because if you're the anxious person and you know that it's taking up a lot of space in the relationship, that can add to the anxiousness, that can add to that anxiety of like, oh, man, I don't want to f this up again. I don't want to screw this up again. And then if you're the person that's, you know, on the other side of that, it sucks because you don't want to see your partner hurting. You don't want to see them struggling, you don't want to see them going through that hard of a time. And it can feel a bit crippling because in many ways, you can't really do a lot. You know, the tough thing about a partner dealing with anxiety is that they need to really learn how to navigate that anxiety themselves. Now, that doesn't mean that you can't play a critical role in it, which I'm going to talk about here in just two seconds. But largely, they need to learn how to address and navigate their anxiousness. Much like if you're with somebody that's very avoidant, you are sort of helpless in the sense that they have to choose to lean in. They have to choose to maintain connection, they have to choose to repair when they want to run away from the relationship or a conversation. And so your partner has to do the work and they have to put in the effort to learn how to navigate and build a certain level of tolerance for their anxiety. Doesn't mean it'll ever go away, but they can work to reduce that anxiety significantly to the point where it's not actually infiltrating the relationship so severely. So what do you do? How do you support a partner who has pretty bad anxiousness or anxiety? First, what I want you to know is that it is not your job to constantly regulate or calm them or fix their problems or solve their anxiety. At some point, they need to do this themselves. And the reason why I reinforce this is that part of the cycle that many people get into is that the person who's dating the anxious person, right? So if you are the person watching this and you are dating an anxious person, it's very likely that you've fallen into this trap countless times of trying to solve or fix their anxiousness. So what do we do? Number one, plain and simple, stop trying to fix or solve their anxiety. It's not your job. And it'll likely create more tension and more issues and problems. It doesn't mean you can't help them, which is going to be my next point, so stay with me. But you do have to be able to communicate to your partner to say, listen, I think I've actually tried to take on this unachievable responsibility of fixing your anxiousness, and it's not my job. And I think it's actually made things worse. And so I'm going to trust you to handle your anxiousness and I'm going to trust you to tell me when you really feel that anxiousness coming up. And I'll support you and I'll love you and I will do my best to, you know, help calm and ground you. But I think I've been taking on too much responsibility and it's been causing some challenges in our relationship because again, what can happen for that person? It's almost like the analogy I'm going to use is if you've ever seen somebody fall into water and it's freezing cold or fall into water and they, you know, they're not really too sure how to swim or, or they're in some pretty intense water and all of a sudden they start to panic. If you go out there to try and save them and you start to help them, sometimes what can happen is if they can't calm themselves down, they can actually drown the person who's come to help them. And this is such a poignant analogy, I'm going to say, or metaphor for what can happen in a relationship where you can actually spend so much time trying to save the quote unquote drowning person who is drowning underneath that anxiety that it actually causes you to go underwater. Or at the very Least it causes your relationship to go underwater. And so by making it very clear that, hey, this isn't my responsibility, I'm going to trust you to take care of this and I'll be in your corner, I'm going to be cheering for you, I'm going to support you, I'm gonna help you, I'm gonna love you through this, but I'm really going to trust that you have what it takes to move through this, because that's why I'm with you anyway in the first place. So that's number one. Number two, regulate with them when you can, regulate with them when you can. Now what does regulation mean and look like? It means that you move from a stressed out state down to a grounded state. And I'm gonna have some other things that are gonna help you with this. But the big one is the breath. Okay? Anytime you have an anxious partner, it's very likely that their breath is shallow in their body. It's quite quick, their heart rate is moving fast and they feel like a little disheveled and disoriented. So what you can do is one physical contact, right? Putting your hands on their shoulders, holding their hands, etc. Maintaining some contact with them and breathing with them, saying, you know what, let's take some breaths together. And this can be a practice, you can do forehead to forehead. You guys can put your foreheads together or you can just make eye contact or they can close their eyes, really whatever is comfortable for them. That's something that you're going to need to ask. But then the breath that you use is going to be inhaling through the nose for a count of four and exhaling longer out the mouth for a count of six, in the nose for a count of four, out the mouth for a count of six. This is going to help to what's called down regulate their nervous system. It's gonna help them to calm and ground and feel more settled because it's going to pull their heart rate down. Now you might need to do this for three to five minutes. This is not a quick like 30 second solution. And I want you to really, you as a couple need to discuss that. This is what you're going to do sometimes. The other thing is that anxiety might be that they actually need an emotional release. And so sometimes what I've seen to work really well and grounding and regulating for a partner is to say, hey, I know you're feeling anxious, but you know, are you just so frustrated about your anxiety that you just need to cry? And sometimes for some people, that's just like, the waterworks will come, they'll cry, they'll release whatever has been pent up inside of them, and then, boom, the anxiety's gone. Because they've actually, you know, sometimes anxiety is grief or fear or sadness that's underneath the surface that the person hasn't allowed to come out. And so sometimes what you can do is say, you know, is there something happening underneath the anxiety? Like, are you sad? Are you stressed out about something? What do you need to get out or express in order to maybe feel a little bit better? And that can be very, very helpful as well. And reinforcement, reinforce that they need to develop the skill of reassuring self, soothing themselves. Right. Being able to soothe themselves is super important. And continue to reinforce that you believe in them, that they can do that. Sometimes people with anxiety need somebody in their corner to say, you know what? I know you're going to get through this. And it's not like some BS rah rah cheerleading crap. It's just genuine. I know you can get through this. I know you can. So that's number two. Number three, don't personalize the panic, okay? Don't personalize the panic. And where I want you to start with this, because for a lot of guys, this is the hard part. You want to fix, you want to solve, you want to protect, you want to help them feel better. When the person that you love is constantly anxious, you can begin to take it personal personally, because you can't seem to shift them out of it. You can't seem to solve this equation of their anxiety, mostly because it's not for you to solve. So really take a look and ask yourself a very simple question. What part of my partner's anxiety have I been taking personally? And then again, have that conversation with them, say. And you can determine whether or not you want to have this conversation with your partner and. And when's the right time to. But then maybe it's just like, hey, you know what? I've been taking it personally a little bit because I've been trying to fix your anxiety, and I don't think that's been helping. You know, I can imagine it's probably been taking it, you know, making it worse. What's that been like for you? And then they might say, you know, I feel like there's a tremendous amount of shame because I have all this anxiousness. And then you keep trying to help me, but it's not getting better. And then I feel like I'm letting you down. And then it Makes me more anxious. I've seen this happen so many times. I'm like, I'm just giving you the dialogue that I've seen dozens and dozens and dozens of times, maybe hundreds of times now in relationships with couples. So really, look at what part are you personalizing with their anxiety next? Shift away from the anxious conversation when you can. The blessing of social media bringing a lot of psychological insights, therapeutic content into people's consciousness. There's a lot of benefits, but there are some curses. And one of the curses is that people with anxiety are just inundated with content about anxiety so much that they can't get their mind off of their anxiousness. They're constantly thinking about it. They're scrolling through social media. You know, all these posts are like, how to deal with your anxiety. You know, what to feel when you feel anxious and what to do when you feel anxious. And so they're constantly thinking about, okay, oh no, I'm feeling anxious right now. What do I do? How do I handle this? Oh, I gotta do that thing, or I should talk about this and da, da, da, da. Sometimes what's needed? Again, depending on the severity of your partner's anxiety, right? If they're on the brink of a panic attack, don't just try and shift the conversation. That's probably not, that's not going to help. It might alleviate their mind. But see, if, when they start to feel anxious, if. And they're identifying, they're like, I'm feeling anxious. You just shift the conversation away from whatever is anxious inducing in that moment onto something else. Hey, no problem. Let's talk about something else and come back to this. Why don't we go for a walk? You know, how about we, you know, how about we go look at the trees outside or go put our feet in the grass, go jump into the water, you know, in the pool or the ocean or whatever it is. How about you go take a hot shower or a bath or something, create some movement, both physically and in the conversation. Because it's very likely that that is going to help shift away from whatever the experience is that's coming up. It's not helpful to say, well, why are you feeling anxious? In fact, that's probably one of the worst things that we can do. Why are you feeling anxious? You might be able to say, do you have a sense of, of what might be causing this? And they might be able to say, well, I was just thinking about this thing, this conversation that I had with my mom and dah, dah, dah, dah, and that might be there, but they might say, I actually have no idea, there's no reason why I'm feeling anxious. And then create some movement, right? Go outside, get sunlight, go stand outside in the rain, do something to shift and disrupt the homeostasis of that anxiety. Okay, Last but not least, pull them and the conversation back to the present moment. Anxiety is a future based disruption, meaning it is a fracturing with the present moment and a being stuck in the future in some way, shape or form. And what I mean by this is that people will get stuck thinking about something that that hasn't happened, that they think is going to happen in the future. And they will get stuck worrying about it, fixating on it, right? He's going to leave me, I know it. And if I don't stop doing this, he's definitely going to break up with me. And then that causes all the anxiousness in the body. Or they are experiencing something that they feel like is never going to end. This is another big thing that can cause anxiety. Some people will have sensory based anxiety where they hear, hear certain sounds, certain sights, certain patterns that start to show up and it can induce anxiety in their body because they're like, oh, I don't know if this is going to end. And that anxiety is like, oh, I feel trapped. And anxiety is like a self fulfilling loop, right? It's almost like this, like the aurora snake, right? The snake eating its own tail. Anxiety, once you become aware of it, there's, it feeds off of itself. It's like, oh no, am I going to feel like this forever? When is my anxiety going to go away? And then it starts to build and build and build and build and build. So if anybody has anxiety that's watching this, take a nice deep breath, exhale out the mouth and just know that you're going to be all right. And I know that that might be hard for some people to hear. Even hearing the system of how anxiety works can cause anxiety for people. So bring people back to the present moment. What's happening now? What do you see? Let's create some movement and change our state, let's change our environment. Let's just shift a little bit and create some movement and bring us back into the now. So if it's somebody that is constantly thinking about the future and stuck worrying about the future, bring them back into right now and just say, hey, we're here, I'm here with you. Let's hold hands, let's close our eyes, let's hug, let's take a breath, let's make out for a minute. Let's go put our feet in the grass outside. But let's just be here right now and we can talk about that future thing later on. Because for some people just thinking about going to the comedy show, going to the music event, going to the dinner can create some anxiousness because what they're doing is they're thinking about well what if I get anxious this there in that moment and that creates the panic in the present moment. So you want to pull them back to the present, help them create some safety in the present moment, remind them that they're okay here and now and that that situation is actually not happening. And again, I'm just going to reinforce this not your responsibility to fix or solve your partner's anxiety. And so you can offer suggestions. But the last thing that I'll give you number six is ask what do you think you need right now? Again, the biggest thing with people that have anxiety, especially pretty severe anxiety, they are very used to having people around them that have and I don't know what else other word to use but have catered to the anxiety and to the anxiousness. It's very common that people with a lot of anxiety have grown up in households where either there was a lot of abuse and trauma which caused this very physical response of anxiousness or they had parents that were very sort of helicopter parents constantly swooping in, not wanting them to take risks, you know, directing that child's attention towards the future. Well, have you thought about how that's going to unfold and like what if this happens and what if that happens and actually inducing a lot of fear anxiety into that child just through the conversation. So you want to just pull that person back to the present moment and reinforce that they are in the driver's seat, that they are the ones that can self soothe and get out of the anxiousness. You are there as a support person, you are there to love and help them but you are not responsible for it nor can you fix it. So thank you so much for tuning in. Comment below if you're on YouTube and let me know what you thought about this video, what you would add, any questions that you would have to add on and then if you are listening somewhere else definitely hit me up on social media and don't forget to man it for man it forward. Share this episode with just one person or two or three or five or ten, but share it with one person that you know would enjoy it and could benefit from it. Until next week. Connor Beaton signing off.