A Man’s Guide To Ending Codependency: In Brief

Foreign.

What is codependency? Why does it matter? How does it get formed? And maybe most importantly, how the hell do you get out of it? There's something that I want to talk about that's very important when it comes to unraveling codependency and getting to know your part in the codependency so that you can step out of it. And that very important piece is the two roles of codependency. So the interesting part of codependency is that it puts people into two roles, all right? And for you, as an individual, you may have played both of these roles, depending on the relationship. You might oscillate back and forth, depending on the other individual that you're dating, or you might just occupy the territory of one of the roles. So those two roles are the giver and. And the taker. And I'm sure that there's a good sexual joke in there, but I'll leave that for you, because I'm not a comedian. But the giver and the taker are the two roles that emerge in a codependent relationship. And in a very simple form, the giver is the person who is trying to find belonging, security, relational security, worth, value, confidence, connection, intimacy by in some ways disregarding their own wants and needs and over prioritizing the other person. Let's segue into very important conversation of what causes codependency, and then we're going to talk about how does it show up in your intimate relationships? I'm going to give you some specific examples, and we will wrap up with how do you get out of it? Because that's what we all want to know. So if you don't want to know what causes it and how to identify it in your relationship, you can skip forward. But what I will say is that sometimes and often what I've learned is that this psychoeducation, this psychological education of what causes codependency, what creates it, and being able to identify how it shows up are actually two very important stepping stones to letting go of the codependency. So if you are thinking of skipping ahead, I would just say maybe stick with me for a little bit. So let's get into it. What causes codependency? Well, in large part, it is a byproduct of your childhood. Now, I know maybe you didn't want to hear that. I know for a lot of guys it's like, oh, why does it always come back to my childhood? Why do I always have to talk about my past? Why does it always why do I always have to talk about my family? You know, my family system? For men in this situation? And it's. I think, in some ways, for a lot of guys, this is the sort of, like, hidden killer. For a lot of men that have experienced trauma, have experienced abuse growing up, have never really talked about it, this will be the. This sort of the skeleton in the closet that is actually fueling the codependency in the relationship. And so if you are somebody, I'm just going to create this little caveat here. If you are somebody that has come to realize that you're in a codependent relationship, but you've never really actually dealt with some of the abuse or trauma that you experienced growing up, the codependency is very unlikely, almost. I don't want to say impossible, but it's very unlikely that you will be able to shift out of that codependent behavior until you address the abuse and maybe the trauma that you experienced. Because those two things are interconnected. They are unequivocally interconnected. For men who have grown up with emotionally absent parents or just absent parents altogether, to chase, chase their partners, right? To chase their partners to find is very common. I see a lot of men who had emotionally avoidant parents or emotionally absent parents who end up in this chasing, pursuing dynamic. So they're constantly chasing women that are, like, unavailable or hot and cold or leave them on red. And there's like this. Sometimes there's even a sexual charge that can come along with it, right? For a lot of guys. Because in psychology, there's this great turn of phrase which I have seen to be true many, many times, which is that we sexualize our pain, we sexualize our trauma, we sexualize our hurt. And so for a lot of men and the guys that are out there watching this right now, what can happen when we've had an emotionally unavailable parent, whether it was mom or dad, is that that can show up in our relationships where we are trying to prove inadvertently to the women that we are pursuing that we are worthy of their attention, that we are worthy of their affection. And if I can just get you, it'll disprove the pain that I've been carrying around within me since childhood. Lastly is enlist someone outside of the relationship. Enlist somebody outside of the relationship, whether it's a men's group that you're in, whether it's a buddy of yours, but enlist somebody outside of the relationship to support you in letting go of this codependency. So that's what I got for you today. This was a very long in depth episode. I hope that you enjoyed A Man's Guide to Codependency. Everything that you need to know. I'm going to be doing more in depth dives like this. I'm very curious to hear what you thought about this and what topics you would like me to go into in this way. Because I really want to unpack psychological concepts and support you as a man to really do, do the work, to really have yourself work in your life and on your life to be a better man, to be a better husband, to be a better father. And I find that these types of deep dives can be incredibly rewarding when it comes to unpacking some of these things because there's a lot of like flash in the pan content out there that's like, here's the three things you need to do to end codependency and it's like one slide and you don't implement any of it. So do the work. Send this to your partner, send this to a friend that you know could use it, talk about it, have some discourse and let me know what topics you would like me to cover in future episodes. Until next time, this is Connor Beaton signing off.