Becoming a dad made me a better man - 5 Lessons From Fatherhood

Is it really worth it to have kids, to start a family? Are there lessons in there that as a man you might not be able to learn or integrate without that experience? I wondered this for a really long time. You know, as a young man, I kind of questioned whether or not I ever wanted to have a family. I jumped on the fence. Jumped on the fence. I just was on the fence. You know, I didn't really know. There was a part of me that really liked the idea of kind of. Kind of being responsibility free for the rest of my life, not having to worry about providing for another human being, not having to really worry about whether or not I could pay the bills for them, whether or not I was going to be a good role model for them. And I like this notion for a period of time in my life where I didn't have to think about those things. And then on the other side, there was this inherent part of me that was kind of baked in. And some might say that it's a genetic predisposition that we as men want to spread our seed, that we have this driving force and desire to procreate and to have our genetics get passed on. But there was this other part of me that wanted to be a dad, you know, that wanted to see what that had to offer, that knew that it would be deeply confronting and challenging and bring up a whole other set of issues and obstacles that I hadn't really faced in life. And now I'm three years into being a dad. You know, I'm three years in, I have a son, and I have another child on the way. And there's some lessons that I've learned that have fundamentally changed who I am as a man, but also made me a better human. It's made me a better man in ways that I actually couldn't have predicted before having my kids. And so I thought it would be great to share a couple of those lessons with you. And in case you are a dad and you're wondering how to navigate that, or you are considering it, or you've never even thought about it in your life, but these are things that I've found are inherently important for any man, regardless of whether you are a father, you want to be one, or it's not something that you are ever interested in, ever in your life. All right, team, this episode is brought to you by Mando Whole Body Deodorant, which will have you smelling great and feeling fresh all summer long. They have some really cool products. It's very different from just like a normal deodorant stick. While they do have that, recently I went and led a men's weekend in Northern California. It was like 90, 92, 94 degrees and we were outside for a decent amount of it. And I brought these like deodorant wipes, which I'd never seen before that they smelled great. And you know, normally I've used their, their just the sort of like normal deodorant and they have a bunch of different products. But I brought these deodorant wipes and I was like, well, let's see how these do. And I didn't have any other deodorant with me, but these wipes worked great. So I love their products. You don't have to worry about, you know, jamming in a big like massive thing of deodorant into your carry on or into your, you know, shaving kit bag, which, you know, honestly, some of those deodorant sticks take up a lot of space. And so if you're looking for something different that's going to help you stay fresh and stay smelling great all summer long, head over to shopmando.com use the promo code mantalks and you will get five bucks off of your starter pack. Again, go to shopmando.com and use the promo code mantalks to smell great this summer. So here's a couple things that have stood out to me. Number one is this reminder that masculinity is something that's modeled. Masculinity is something that's modeled. This has made me a better man in a lot of ways because it's reminded me that my son's watching and he's always pretty much watching. He's looking at me like a damn hawk, you know, at any given moment. And he wants to be like me. He wants to have rough and tumble play, he wants to wrestle with me, he wants to play, he wants to see what I'm doing. Like the other day I was building a garden bed for my wife with, you know, a full six foot fence to keep the deer out. And he, you know, he's so young that he doesn't really want to be a part of building that. But he kept circling back around, you know, like, dada, what are you doing? Dada, what are you doing? And then he wanted to try and use the hammer either. A couple months ago, I chopped down a tree in our yard and he was right in there, you know, he was like, he wanted to use the ax. At first he was standing back and he was watching me and it was Kind of like this. You could kind of see that it was like this peak experience. I had never seen a person, like, chop down a tree before. And so I've got my big ax, and I've got a smaller ax, and I'm working the trees, a pretty. Pretty big tree on the property that was leaned over. And he's watching me. And at first he's just standing back and observing me and watching me. And then all of a sudden, I, you know, took a break after five or six minutes of, like, chopping this thing, and he comes over and he's like, dad, on my turn. And he was into it. And it was this reminder. And there's all of these examples, right? Those are things that I'm doing. But another example is he's constantly checking in, like, dad, are you happy? Dad, are you angry? And he's trying to get a sense of where I'm at. Because what I've. What I've really been reminded of and what's made me a better man in a lot of ways is that we as men. We as men, model masculinity, and we transmit it out into the world. And despite what culture is maybe telling you, as a man, masculinity is something that is absolutely necessary. Masculinity is something that is absolutely beautiful. Masculinity is something that is absolutely required in our life. And masculinity is something that, in my opinion, in watching and observing my son, every little boy is wanting to embody, is wanting to get a sense of, like, how to grapple with this part of them. And so for me, it's been a reminder that I model that for men wherever I go, right? I model that for boys wherever I go, whether it's my buddy's kids, you know, whether it's I'm out at the grocery store with my son or by myself, or I'm in a coffee shop or I'm in a restaurant. I model what it looks like to be a man to other men and to other boys. And I think we've lost a connection to that. You know, we've lost this remembrance that you, as a man, transmit that masculinity on a daily basis, right? The way that you interact with the server at the restaurant who maybe got your order wrong. The way that you interact with your. Your wife or your girlfriend or your partner when you're out on a date and they do something that you don't like your mod modeling what it looks like to be a mature man.

Who transmits and puts out the signal. Of what it looks like to be a healthy man who's embodying masculinity. So that's been the first and foremost. I mean, that's been really remarkable to watch my son witness what it looks like to be a man who is angry, who's upset, you know, who might be sad. Like, I lost my mom a couple months ago. And so I think for him. And, you know, he was there. I brought him to the hospital, you know, in the. To hospice, when my mom was in the sort of like, last week of her life. And he could kind of tell that something was going on. He didn't really know what it was, but he got to see me in this process of grieving my own mom, you know. And of course, he's three, so he doesn't really get what's going on, but on some level, he gets that something's going on. And so this is just like that reminder that it's something that we model, it's something that we transmit, it's something that we put out into the world. The second thing is this notion, and this is from.

Old mentor of mine and friend and man that I learned from. He had this saying that he said, I would die for my kids, but I won't live my life for them. And that always stuck with me. Like, I wasn't a dad at the time, but now that I am a dad, I really get it. I really get this notion that we can get caught as men living our life for other people. You know, you can get caught living your life for your parents, trying to make your dad happy, trying to appease your mom. You can get caught living your life for your partner, right? Wanting to make sure that they're constantly happy and taken care of. And you lose yourself. You kind of de. Center yourself in the equation and lose a sense of how you want to fundamentally live. And when you have a kid, what I've experienced is that you spend so much time making sure that they're okay, they're safe, they're provided for, they're protected, all of those things, that it can be easy to decentral yourself and lose yourself in the mix. And for me, this motto of, I'll die for my kids, and I literally would. I would die to protect them and keep them alive and keep them safe and keep them healthy. I won't live my life for them. And so I still run my business. I still travel. I still go away and run men's weekends. I still take solo trips. I mean, last year when I turned 40, I went to Scotland by myself for a week. And those things are me signaling to my kids that this is what it looks like to be a healthy, autonomous individual who is still living their life for them. Now, of course, I live my life from a place of contribution to others. I live my life from a place of providing and protecting for my family. Of course, those things are all there, but that doesn't mean that it has to come at the cost of how I want to operate, what satiates me, what fulfills me, what I want to pursue and do. And so there's some very simple things that I do, right, in order to live in some ways, for myself. I work out every single day. I take care of my body. I eat super healthy, I go on the trips that I want to go on. I hang out with my buddies. I don't negate the things that actually fill my cup and become some type of victim or martyr in the face of like, well, I do everything for my kids. It's like, well, we can get caught in this notion relationally, that when we love somebody, we should sacrifice who we are and what we want in order to take care of them first. And we do this as men in so often, especially in relationship. So that was the second one. The third one that has really hit home for me is that your anger as a man is actually necessary, but your aggression isn't. Your anger as a man is necessary, but your aggression isn't. I really believe that every son has the right to be angry at his dad. At some point in every young man's life, he's going to be angry at his dad. And there's going to come a point where you as a father or you as a son get to grapple with the anger that is going between each of you. And what I've noticed with my son is that he, for a period of time, was trying to evoke my anger. Like, he was actively trying to make me angry to see, like, well, what will happen? Where are the boundaries? Are you serious or not? Are there consequences or are there no consequences? Are you just going to rage out and I'm going to be scared? Or are you actually going to have some type of structure and order that helps me to feel safe? And what I realized with my son is that he was really testing me in a way to see, can I be safe? Him, right? Can he be safe in the face of my anger? And I really learned this beautiful distinction between anger and aggression, that he's okay with my anger. But what neither of us are okay with is any type of aggression. And that, for me, was a huge lesson out of my childhood. I either didn't see anger at all or anger was explosive, aggressive, volatile, abusive, hostile, et cetera. Right. And so I think as a father, part of your anger. I mean, there's a poet named David White who has a beautiful expression on anger where he says, anger is the deepest form of care and compassion for another, for a love, for a self, for a relationship. And there's more to it. But I love that framework that, like, anger is actually a necessity in your relationships and that we as men have. We've. We've kind of cast aside our anger or viewed it as something that's completely negative because of societal inputs. Right. Constantly being told that an angry man is a bad man or an evil man or a dangerous man, when the reality is that anger is a useful thing to know if a boundary is being crossed, right. If there's a boundary that needs to be put in place, if there's something that actually needs to be protected. Right. If your kid or your partner are disrespecting you, it's actually okay to be angry and say, hey, I don't actually like that. That's not okay. I love you. But this behavior isn't all right. And that. That disconnection between that separating of personhood and behavior, to say, I love you as a person and this is not okay, actually requires us to be connected with a little bit of anger. Now, aggression would say, what the hell's wrong with you? And so we have to separate and move aside aggression. But what I've seen in my son is that he's trying to figure out his own anger, you know, because he's three. And when he doesn't get something that he wants, he wants to rage out. And so I'm modeling for him what it looks like to navigate through my own anger as a man. And I think that we have the capacity to do that for all men that are in our lives who maybe never had the chance to witness what it looks like to be a man, an adult who is angry about something and can deal with that anger in a healthy, meaningful way that is protective of what matters most of relationship, of love, of connection, et cetera. Next. The fourth thing that I've learned is that structure and limitations give you a deep sense of freedom. Now, one of the big things that I was terrified of leading up to becoming a dad was that I was going to lose. I was going to lose my freedom. You know, I loved my freedom before I went wherever I wanted to go. I traveled. When I wanted to travel, you know, for my work, I traveled. To go see my buddies, I traveled. I really love, love getting out into the world. And I was concerned that by having kids, all of a sudden, I was going to be compressed into this much tighter way of living. And what I've learned is that by implementing very specific structures and by understanding that there's certain limitations, there's value in having that level of structure on a daily basis, right? Having your routines, having your morning routine, having your rituals and routines for your kids. Like, one of the things that I do is I have a structure of doing stretching every single day, doing breath work every single day. And my son actually takes part in that now. And so because I have that structure, that morning ritual and routine, he follows suit. He wants to engage in it now. Not all the time and not all the way through, but he's getting a sense of what that looks like. And so for me as a father, I've really had to hone in on maintaining a good sense of structure in my life and understanding the value of limitations so that I can get everything done that I need to get done. I can still see my friends, I can still travel. I still feel like I'm taking care of myself. And so structure has become much more important. And on the other side, limitations have also become very important. What do I mean by that saying no. Becoming a dad has helped me say no to things. It's like, what's this saying? Separate the wheat from the chaff, right? It's like, really helped me to get super clear. That's a very old saying. I know, I understand. I could hear my grandfather saying it. He's like, from the farm in Saskatchewan, right in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of Canada. But it really helps you to see, is this important or not? Because I don't have a lot of time. I don't have a lot of free time. You know, I have to spend time with my kids. I have to run my business. I need to. To work out. I got to spend time with my wife. I got to make sure that my finances are in order, my health is in order. My I, you know, spend time with my friends and my family, the whole gamut. And so it really shrinks down your field of, do I have time for this, or is this just bullshit that I don't want to deal with? And that has really helped me see the value and limitations and something that I struggled with for a long time was just saying, no. To things, you know, I really want. Wanted to take everything on. And so becoming a father has narrowed that down. And then last but not least, maybe most importantly, is that the aim isn't perfection. The aim isn't for you to be perfect as a parent, as a man, as a father. The aim is progress. And so as I entered into fatherhood, I was also deeply concerned that I was going to screw my kids up. And I've come to learn. I've said this before I had kids, but it's like, you're going to screw up your kids whether you like it or not. There's going to be something that you miss. It's going to be something that you get wrong. There's going to be something that they wanted that you. That you weren't willing to do. There's going to be some type of incongruency between the two of you. And what I really have let settle in in my life is that I'm not trying to be a perfect dad. Like, that's impossible. And if I'm aiming for perfection, then I'm going to be miserable. My kids are going to be miserable, My wife's probably going to be miserable. Because I am trying to aim for something that is an impossibility. What I am aiming for is, can I be a better dad than yesterday? Can I be a better father this year than I was last year? Can I learn from my mistakes as I go along? Because the reality is, is that I'm three years into a role that I've never played before. And so for you as a dad, whether you are a year in or a decade or you're 40 years in, can you let it be about progress over perfection? And I think that that is such a profound lesson, not just for us as parents, but for us as men. You know, can we allow progress to be the aim over the perfection that we so often want to move towards in our health, in our fitness and our finance, in our relationship, in all areas of our life. I see so many men getting caught in, like, I just got to be. Be perfect. And as a dad, you know, for the first little while, every time I found myself, like, trying to be this, like, perfect person now so hard on myself, all the old tendencies of criticizing and judging and shaming and being harsh with myself and like, what the hell's wrong with you? All bubbled up to the surface. And so move back to a place of progress. Make progress your aim. So with that said, for all the dads that are out there, comment below. If you're watching this on YouTube and share your greatest lessons as a father. What lessons have you learned from becoming a dad? What do you wish you knew before you were a father? And as always, don't forget to man it forward and share this episode with somebody that you know could use it or would enjoy it. Till next time, Connor Beaton signing off.