Becoming The Man You're Capable Of Being

How do we, as men. How do you become who it is that you are ultimately born to be? How do you become who you know internally you're capable of becoming? Right, because we all. Most people have a sort of maybe idealized version, but most people have a version of themselves that they know they could become. It's usually somewhat clear, you know, there's usually an understanding of I could become somebody who was in better shape and made better money and, you know, woke up earlier and read books more and was more charismatic or funnier. Oftentimes we stand in this place where we understand and can somewhat perceive the potential that resides on the other side of who we are. Right now, in this moment, there's this sort of notion that you're standing at the precipice, looking into this sort of vague and hazy version of who you know you're capable of becoming. The challenge is actually doing that. The challenge is actually stepping into that version of you. And over the years, I've worked with tens of thousands of guys. I've gone on my own journey. I've done a tremendous amount of work. I've studied countless different types of psychology, everything from Gestalt therapy to cognitive behavioral therapy to Jungian psychology to nlp.

Developmental psychology, I mean, you name it. Polyvagal theory. I've kind of gone down the rabbit hole of trying to understand how it is that we become the next version of ourselves. And there's a lot of stuff that's out there that's very sort of existential and esoteric, and there's some more pragmatic and practical stuff. But I wanted to condense down what I've learned over the years about becoming who it is that you ultimately can be. And for me, these are the tools or the skills that I've had to deploy in order to be who I am today. And I would say that these are the same tools that I will need to deploy in order to become who I am tomorrow and next year and a decade from now and all the way to the end. So here we go. Number one, very simply, is develop the skills that matter to you. Develop the skills that matter to you and will improve your life and the lives around you. So develop the skills that matter to you that will improve your life and the lives of those around you. So for me, part of that is being able to. Like, personally, I've had to work on public speaking. I've had to work on doing this. This was not comfortable for me when I first started out public speaking. It was not something that was comfortable for me, but it was a skill that I had to learn and to develop and curate in order to better my life. It also mattered to me. There was things that I wanted to say and express in the world that for a very long time, I didn't know how. You know, I was that kid in elementary school that struggled to read out loud in front of the class. I was embarrassed. I, you know, had adhd. All the reasons, all the excuses why I couldn't do it, you know, why it would be challenging for me. But when I started to curate this skill of public speaking, of being able to talk in front of people, being able to create content for people, it not only elevated my sense of confidence, but it developed some capability within me that was fundamentally imperative to me. Feeling and knowing that I was the type of individual that I ultimately wanted and knew that I could be. There was a part of me that always saw that I could be. I could be good at communicating and conveying a message. Now, it doesn't mean that I'm the best in the world. I'm still working on it. There are people that are far better than me. But it's something that I've continued to curate and hone and develop, and it's served me extremely well, not just in my business, but also in my friendships and my intimate relationships and with my family. So that's number one. Number two is beginning to know the risk and take the risk of becoming who you are. There is this misconception that. That stepping into change, that becoming more of who you know you are capable of becoming.

Doesn'T come with a risk, right? Most people are like, oh, it should just be easy. And, you know, I should be able to change and I should be able to grow. I should be able to expand and just manifest. And it's all bullshit, right? The reality is that there are consequences to you changing. There are risks to you stepping into a newer version of who you are, right? If people around you have always known you as the fun party guy who goes out, you know, has a few beers or has a couple Jack Daniels and Cokes or whatever it is, and you suddenly decide that to get the best out of yourself, you have to get sober, and you make that decision for yourself, there's a risk involved in that. And the risk might include people around you suddenly being like, oh, I don't. I don't know who you are anymore. Or like, I like the old version of you way better. I like the version of the you that used to drink, and so you might get pushback and you will get pushback inevitably, right? Anytime that we take a step, anytime that you take a step towards the version of yourself that you want to become, there will be pushback from those around you that have known you a certain way. And unconsciously almost, they will try and push you back into the older version of you because that's more comfortable, because it is easier for them to know the old version of you than it is for them to get to know the new one. Because it also might mean that they have to change. It also might mean that they have to pause and think, huh, do I want to drink that much on Friday nights? You know, John or Mike has decided to get sober and you know, maybe that means that I should question whether or not I want to drink as well. So know that there are going to be risks involved in whatever you want to do. Whether it's waking up and going to the gym earlier, whether it's, you know, getting into the best shape of your life, whether it's starting to eat healthier, make more money, whatever it is, whatever it is that you are wanting to focus in on, know that there are going to be risks and pay attention to them. Actually, let yourself write down some of the risks, like what is the potential risk of me leaving this relationship, starting my own business, getting sober, right? Whatever it is that you are looking to move towards in your development, write down what are some of the risks and am I willing to take them? Am I willing to lean into those risks? Number three, Connect to your direct felt experience. Stay present to connect, to develop awareness of however you want to say it. Your direct felt experience. What does that mean? It means get the fuck out of your head and get into your body very simply, very directly. It means get out of your damn head. This doesn't mean that your head isn't a helpful thing, right? Your rational mind can be a very, very use useful tool if you learn to develop it properly. But what it means is that your rational mind can't make the best decisions if it only has some of the data and the information. And your nervous system is, and your body specifically is one of the most potent tools that you have for understanding what it is that you want or don't want. Like dislike, will tolerate and won't tolerate what you want to move towards, AKA your body is one of the most important elements and understanding what is true for you internally and not so. Another great example of this is we've all heard the Saying communication is 80% nonverbal, right? We hear that all the time most people nod their heads and like, oh yeah, communication is nonverbal. Well, what the hell does that actually mean? What it means is that your body is actually receiving data constantly and that the majority of how you as a man interact with the world is through your physical form. It's through your physical body. It's that your body is receiving data and information with your wife when you're interacting with her or your girlfriend or your colleagues at work or your kids. It's constantly receiving data and information and that data and information is being sent up to your head and then your head is trying to process it. So if you are disconnected from, from the experience that you're having in your body, from the anger or excitement or joy or peace or love or frustration or anger or whatever it is, grief, sadness, et cetera, then you are limited in the amount of data that you are taking in and working with in making your decisions outside of this. Just to sort of make this clear, women feel the safest with men who are connected to what they are experiencing internally. Period, full stop. Women feel the safest and trust men who are connected to what they are experiencing internally. Why is that? It's because a man who doesn't know what he's experiencing internally or is lying about what he's experiencing internally is very dangerous. Because a woman can't trust that she doesn't know what she's going to expect. She can't tell whether or not you're going to fly off the handle or if you are angry when you say that you're not right? If your wife or your girlfriend says, hey, honey, like, you seem pretty angry and what you say is no, but what you're experiencing internally in your body and transmitting out to her, because remember what you're experiencing, you're transmitting out to her. What she's going to receive is very confusing and it's going to feel unsafe because she's going to feel from you, I'm really angry. But what she's going to hear from you is, no, I'm totally fine. And that's going to create this experience in her body of, I don't know if I can trust you. So start to connect on a daily basis to what you are experiencing directly. What emotions, what physical sensations, how your breath is, what your experience is in any given moment. Starting to tune into am I angry? Am I sad? Am I happy? Am I bored? Am I lonely? Breathe into the body, bring some of your conscious awareness down into the body and start to notice what you experience in Any given moment in a conversation with your boss, with a colleague, with your kids, with your girlfriend, et cetera. But bring some consciousness down into the body and start to pay attention to what am I actually experiencing when I'm having this conversation, when I'm trying to make this decision. And it doesn't mean that that's the be all, end all, that we should listen to that completely, that we should adhere to whatever we're experiencing in any given moment. It simply means that we bring that information into the fold of our life. We bring it into our decisions, we bring it into the bedroom, we bring it into our relationship, we bring it into our work and our vocation. We bring our experience and our awareness of our experience and being present to our experience into the different moments of our life. Next one, Number four is very simple. Expressing and transmitting what it is that you're experiencing. So being able to connect to your own sense of truth internally, that's a no. That's a yes. I'm interested in that. I'm not interested in that. I want to date you. I'm not interested in dating you. I will tolerate this, I won't tolerate that, et cetera. Being able to tune into, tap into an internal sense of truth and both express that verbally and transmit it externally out from you into the world. And the more that you can do that, the more potency that you will not only embody and experience, but the more that you will attract people who respect that and you will attract people who can see and feel and sense a deeper quality of alignment within yourself. Now, the reason why this is important to becoming who you are is that you can never, ever, ever, ever. I promise you, you can never become who it is that you are without tuning into what you are experiencing internally in your body, in your direct felt experience. If you are disconnected from that, if you are numbed out from it, and if you are terrified of it, which is understandable for some people because of abuse and trauma and et cetera. It is going to be very challenging to really step into the most authentic, congruent, aligned, coherent version of who you are, because you will be disconnected from the truth of what is happening and what you are experiencing in your body. Number five is realize what you want. Realize what you want. So have a sense of what do I actually want? What do I want from a woman? What do I want in life? What do I want from a career? What do I want from my body? What do I want from myself? From my family, from my, you know, from my, for my Boys that I go out with and go racing with, like what do I want in life? But pay attention to the information that life is trying to give you about what you actually might need. Because the truth is that most of us, most people, almost all of us, have a very deep understanding or some understanding of what it is that we want. But we lack and are limited in knowing what we need, right? There's a whole bunch of stuff that we just don't know. We don't know about ourselves, we don't know about what we actually need in order to grow and develop. And so we have to do this dual duty as men of paying attention to what it is that we want, but also starting to learn how to track down our what we actually need, what we need in a relationship, from a woman, from a vocation, et cetera, from a sense of purpose. So find that balance. That's a very, very important one. It takes some time to curate, but it's a very important one. Next is pursue your fears and discomfort. Pursue your fears and discomfort instead of comfort and safety. Right, Tim? Sarah Tim Ferriss said, success is determined by the number of uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have. I have seen this true in every walk of life. Most of us in society is set up to encourage you to find comfort in any given moment, right? To find comfort in porn and jerking off and booze and, you know, skipping the gym and staying up late and not handing in the project on time. Society has become this domesticated cage where you as a man never have to really get the hell out of your comfort zone, face your fears and get uncomfortable. What I can tell you is that my life has benefited deeply and greatly in every single way by pursuing discomforts, by facing some of my fears on a daily basis. Now it doesn't mean that you have to do this every single day, but even something like doing a cold shower every day, that's it's still uncomfortable for me. I've been doing it for years and a lot of the mornings I just don't want to do it. But I do it because I am living with my discomforts. Lastly, I try and make this one brief.

Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention to your darkness and learn the lessons that it is trying to teach you.

However you want to frame that. Your shadow, your darkness, your self destruction, your self sabotage is not something that you want to try and kill off. It is something that is trying to curate who you are becoming. It is something that is trying to help you understand what you need to step into. Whether that's a deeper spiritual practice, whether it's a deeper level of commitment in a relationship, whether it's a deeper level of commitment to your purpose. Whatever it is, your darkness, your shadow is trying to teach you a lesson and when you begin to face and confront that part of yourself you can begin to learn the lesson. So the question I will leave you with is what is the lesson that your darkness, your shadow is trying to teach you? All right. I hope that you found this informative and helpful. I would love to hear what you have to say. What would you add to this list? What did you like? What did you not like? What did you know? What would you add the list Comment below if you're watching on YouTube. Otherwise don't forget to man it. Forward and subscribe on whatever channel you are listening on whether it's YouTube, Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Thank you very much. Talk to you next week.