Men stuck in nice guy patterns use complaints and passive aggression to avoid asking directly for what they want. The fix: practice asking for specific things even when rejection is likely, accept the confrontation that follows, and maintain boundaries while your partner adjusts to the new version of you.
Time and time again, is that if you want to break free from being a nice guy, number one, you have to know that it's not going to be easy. But number two, there are some very specific, fundamental things that you can do in order to make that happen. And the first thing, the very first thing that I see most men failing at is that they are trying to use complaints, judgments, criticisms, passive aggressiveness, in order to get what they want, in order to get their needs met. So the first step, the very, very first thing that you can do in your relationship, or even if you're not in a relationship, even if you're just dating, is to stop complaining, stop criticizing, stop judging, to get what you want in your relationship from women. Because the truth is, women want to date. They want to be with, they want to sleep with, they want to hook up, they want to be around men that they respect. And the more that you complain, the more that you criticize them, right? The more that you tell them that they're not good enough or they're not meeting your needs or whatever it is, the less likely that they are to want to fulfill your desires, and the less they're going to respect you. Hard truth, the less they are going to respect you. So the second thing that you can do in breaking free from the nice guy syndrome after letting go of complaints, after letting go of the criticisms, is to not only act, ask directly for what you want, ask directly for what you need to be assertive to practice those things, but is to practice exposure therapy. Exposure therapy. So when. When people have anxiety, when they're anxious, when they have a lot of fear or they're nervous, you know, a lot of nice guys have a lot of anxiety and a lot of worrying that if they ask for what they need, they're going to be rejected. So they don't ask that. If they say what they want in the relationship, sexually or physically or what they want to have for dinner or whatever it is, that they're going to be rejected, the other person is going to leave them. And so the threat becomes very high. And what does a man do in that situation? What does a nice guy do? He retreats. He retreats. He falls in. He doesn't ask for what he wants or needs. And so part of what you are going to have to do, you're not going to want to do it. Just to be very clear, there's going to be resistance. But one of the things that you have to be willing to do is to sharpen yourself against the relationship, against your partner. By practicing exposure therapy, by engaging consciously, actively in asking for what you need. And that can be very simple, right? Your partner can say, hey, what. What do you want to have for dinner? And where you would normally say, I don't know. What do you want to have? Or I don't care. Say, you know what? Give me a second, let me think about that. And then come back around and say, you know what? I'd really just love to have chicken and asparagus for dinner. That's clearly what I had for dinner last night. So I'm giving you what, what I chose for dinner last night. But you come back and you say, I want to have this. Now, that doesn't mean when you say, this is what I want, this is what I want to do, this is how I want to do it. This is how I want it to look, you know, this is how I want to make out with you. This is how I want to have sex with you. This the date that I want to go on, where I want to travel, what I want to do on Friday night, what I want to do. When your family's in town, when you speak your needs and wants, that doesn't mean that she has to acquiesce to it, or it doesn't mean that she has to say, okay, babe, no problem. She might give you pushback. It might not be what she wants. She, you know, you're going to get some resistance, and that's okay. The main point is that you. It's not about the outcome necessarily in the beginning, right? What it is about is about exposing yourself to the risk of rejection, the risk of failure, the risk of getting it wrong, and staying grounded, centered, calm in the face of knowing that those things might happen. The last thing is that you have to be willing for people to not like you for a period of time. The real big challenge that most men face when they start to make these fundamental behavioral changes, right? Because you're overhauling your identity. You've been this nice guy for a long time. You've let you know you've given everybody what they wanted. You never caused any problems. You don't disagree. You're not combative. You don't engage in confrontation. That's a huge one for nice guys, right? They just don't engage in confrontation. And suddenly you start to practice some of these things, right? You stop complaining about the things that aren't happening and you start saying directly what you want. You be assertive and bold and courageous. You start to expose yourself to some risk and some failure. And what that means is that inevitably, inevitably, you are going to engage and create a little bit of conflict and a little bit of confrontation. And that is okay. It's actually necessary. Confrontation is the prerequisite for potential to actualize itself. I'm going to say that again. Confrontation is the prerequisite for the actualization of potential. So if you want to be more assertive, right, if you've disconnected from being direct and assertive and it's crushing your relationship, it's, you know, hindering you at work, you have to be willing to engage in a little bit of what feels like confrontation, right? Say what it is that you want. You're not complaining anymore. You're not acting like a petulant child and all of a sudd. She doesn't know what to expect from you, right? And she's getting this different version of you. She's used to getting her way, right? She's used to just saying, like, no, I don't want to do that. And you just rolling over and saying, oh, okay, no worries. We'll just do whatever you want. And suddenly you're saying, actually, no, I'm really not okay with that. I really don't want to go there for dinner, or I don't. I really don't want to hang out with those people on Friday night. You can go, but I'm not interested in that. And that's going to cause a disruption, a disturbance in the relational dynamics. So you can expect pushback, resistance from your partner. And the key to all of this is to still be able to stay connected to some compassion for them because they have known you, they have interacted with you, they've built a relationship with that other version of you, with that nice guy that was easy control, easy to get what they want and they knew what they expected. And all of a sudden you're changing that dynamic. So comment below and don't forget to, like, subscribe. Feel free to share this video and hit the bell icon if you want to be notified of more videos just like this. See you next time.
How to Raise Strong, Unshakable Boys in Today's Culture, with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
