Breaking Male Performance Anxiety with Alex Grendi

All right, Alex, welcome back to the Man Talk Show. How have you been?

Really good. Thank you for having me.

Yeah, man, yeah, good stuff. Well, I mean, I think. I think we chatted back in 2024. It was a good conversation, so it's nice to sort of like, dive back in. I know a lot of life has changed, but let's just kick things off, man. How does a man's sense of self worth impact his relationship to sexual. And how does a man's sexual performance maybe impact his sense of self worth?

Yeah, well, I can tell you in my work, I'm working with men who have performance anxiety in the form of premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, even delayed ejaculation. And it's affecting them in a very serious way. They're feeling like they can't satisfy their partners the way that they want to. They can't provide that type of pleasure that they believe that she deserves. And because of that, they feel like less of a man. And it's having a huge impact on their self worth and how they feel about themselves, and it starts to creep into all different areas of their life.

Do you think. I mean, in working with men for so long, do you think that there's some. Some primary things that we experience, like emotionally or psychologically that end up becoming sort of precursors to things like erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation? Like, are. Are there certain subsets of wounds or experiences that a man will have gone through that, that can contribute to that? Because I think for a lot of men, they look at ed. They look at, you know, premature ejaculation, it's like, oh, this is a physical issue. There's something going on with me in my body. But a lot of the times when I've worked with men that have these issues, there's a huge psychological or emotional component that are showing up within them somatically.

Yeah, there's a bunch of different factors, but one of the main ones that I see is just this idea of what a man is supposed to be and what it's supposed to look like, how sex is supposed to look. And. And that can be all different types of societal conditioning from porn or what we see on TV and movies. And it's more this disconnect of it's not about what I want and what feels good for me, and how can I have this amazing experience with my partner? It's like, what am I supposed to do? What is it that I'm. What are the goals that I'm supposed to hit So I am good at this. I don't care how I feel. I just want to be good. And that type of performance mindset is what keeps men in their head and keeps them so disconnected and worried about what's going to happen. And then that just collapses on itself.

Well, so let's pull on that thread a little bit. How, how has porn and sort of like, you know, digital sex impacted a man's nervous system, his expectations, his ability to show up within sex?

Yeah, I think it has a huge impact and I don't necessarily think it has to be. You know, I don't think porn is the worst thing in the world, but I also don't think it's, it's good. I don't think it's, you know, a good starting point. And in my case, you know, for me personally, it immediately impacted me. I was comparing myself to men in pornography and I didn't look like them, you know, anatomically. I was like, I'm not that big. Like, how am I going to be able to satisfy a woman? So my own performance anxiety started before I was even sexually active. I was like, I can't compete with these guys.

And that persisted for me for 15 years where I was in this performance mindset. So absolutely it has an impact. It had an impact on me. And I know, you know, from all the men that I work with, it's important for them that they stop watching porn or at least reduce it considerably because it wasn't serving them either.

What have you seen in terms of men that do watch a good amount of porn and their sexual arousal, arousal system? Like, what, what ends up happening? How does it actually impact them?

So it depends. People can develop porn induced erectile dysfunction, for example, where they're so used to this high level of arousal and stimulation that once they get in front of a woman, they're like, wait a minute, I'm not watching this super intense scene. I'm just seeing a normal naked woman and they're unable to get aroused. So for those men in particular, you know, it's really important that they dial it back. But and also with men with premature ejaculation, again, they're just, they're looking for like this, the highest level of arousal. And to me, that is what porn is. I mean, it's like, it's made to get you to ejaculation as quickly as possible. So if that's what you're practicing and you're priming yourself with all the time, it's, it's going to become like More of a natural process. So it definitely doesn't serve you in the performance zone.

Yeah, I think it's, I think it's tough because I mean, when I talk to my, my buddies and you know, I look at my, my past.

There'S sort of like a double edged sword around porn. And I think performance expectations for us, as mentioned, you know, it's like we watch porn, we see these sort of maybe unrealistic expectations of, of, you know, what our dick should look like or how big they should be and then, you know, how you perform in the bedroom and depending on the type of porn that you're watching, what that should or shouldn't look like. But then there's also the very real, you know, I think for a lot of guys, they, they are scrolling through social media and they come across the accounts of like hearing women talk about certain sexual exploits and escapades. And, and so I think there's like this reinforcement sometimes that can take place, you know, from what men are seeing, but also from what men are hearing, you know, from women online. And maybe they're not getting that data set in their relationship. Maybe it's a very different conversation in their relationship. But I think that there's a lot of external pressures that I think men communicate and men experience having both from the pressure of what they see when they watch porn and they're like, oh, I have to, you know, do that or I have to be able to perform like that. But then I also hear men talking about, and I've seen these reels as well, you know, like scrolling through social media where you, you hear women talk about sexual, you know, adventures, let's just call them. And I think that for a lot of men, they hear that and they're like, oh, see, women do want that, right? Women do want this sort of like five hour long stallion in the bedroom, like have to be able to toss him around, blah, blah, blah. And so I think for the average guy it's like, well, if I can't live up to that, then something must be wrong with me or their shame or what have you. So how do you address that part of it where men are maybe having shame because they don't think that they're living up like if you take porn off the table and they just feel like they're not living up to a woman's expectations or women's expectations societally. How do you address that piece?

Yeah, you brought up a really important point and I think we don't realize how much women are influenced by porn. Also. And they think that that's what they're supposed to want also in a lot of cases. And listen, if that's how you want to have sex, that's totally fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But I think it's become exaggerated and conditioned in their minds as well to feel like, oh, I need to be able to get, you know, pounded like that or act a certain way and.

That this, this conversation's never going to get monetized on YouTube.

Like, listening to our government, I'm like, oh, yeah, we're.

Whatever. Sexual sexually explicit. Check for under 18. No, sorry, keep going back.

No, But I think women are also thinking that that's what men want because they're seeing it on porn and it's like double conditioning that men are seeing it from the male side and the female side. But when you peel back the layers and when I work with men and I start to understand, what do you actually want to experience? You ask a man, what do you want and need to feel safe and comfortable in the bedroom? They're like, what the hell are you talking about? Like, if a woman wants to have sex with me, I just have sex. Like, that's it. I need to like, flip a switch, be ready and just figure it out, you know? And I'm like, it doesn't have to be that way. Like, you're not a sex robot. You don't just have to be ready at a moment's notice because your wife's in the mood. There are factors that need to favor you as well.

So helping men understand that they're not.

You know, just this sex robot type of thing where they need to be ready to perform at all times is important. But also understanding, like, how do you want your sex to look like, like, get clear on. What do you think is a perfect night of sex for you and your partner? What happens? You know, is it that. Is it you're in, you know, a porn style situation where you're going as hard as you can and all these different positions in. Or is it more connected and slow? So I think they don't know. They're like, this is what I see. I thought that these are the professionals, right? That's what women want, but I'm just not so sure about that.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was talking with a buddy about this the other day that like, men and women have such different sexual experiences in terms of like, sexual acquisition, you know, like the. It's very. I mean, it's sort of like crude, but, you know, I think Women spend the majority of time. This is gonna be very crude. I'm prefacing what I'm about to say. But, like, women spend the most, like, the majority of time, like, turning dick down, right? It's like, no, I don't want that dick. No, I'm not interested in that dick. Like, that dick's not for me. Please put that dick away. Get that dick away from me. You know, and it's like a constant, like, dick rejection and like, you know, and then like, oh, that one. Like that. That man. And I get that it's not just about dick. Like, I'm. I'm sort of, you know, but men, we, like, our experiences are. Is the inverse of that. It's, like constantly putting it out. You know, it's like, do you want this? Are you interested in this? And I remember going on a show called Girls Gotta Eat, and it's like these two female comedians, and they have this huge podcast, and they were like, why do men send dick pics? And I was like, oh, this is so. This is the easiest thing. Like, women don't understand. It's literally a game of numbers. It's, I'm going to send my dick out to a whole bunch of women, and the woman that responds to my dick wants my dick. Like, it's literally that simple for the majority of men that are sending dick pics and. And it's a game of numbers. But I think that we have such inverse experiences. To come back to your point and to come back to making somewhat of a point and being less vulgar, we have such different experiences that I think, because men are almost always in this state of trying to initiate, trying to offer sex, trying to create sexual connection. And men are generally in the rejection position, right? Men are generally in the position of, like, hearing no. Being turned down, being rejected, being shut down, trying to figure out what's the way in which I make sex happen. That I think you're right, that there is this kind of expectation that. That a lot of men put on themselves of, well, when she wants sex, I just have to go for it. And I just. It's like, finally, you know, it's happened. For some men, that's the experience. Or because she wants it, I have to perform, and it has to be a certain way. And I do think that there's a huge amount of expectations. And so what would you say to the man who has these huge expectations on himself? The expectation to perform, the expectation to perform when he's supposed to and what it's supposed to look like, how does he start to unravel some of that puzzle and maybe take some of those expectations off the table? Yeah.

First and foremost, I think.

It'S really important for men to know, like, you can say no to sex. And I think it's like a foreign concept. I was on with Larry at Dad Edge, and he was like, what do you mean I can't say no to sex? Like, I'm never gonna say no to sex. He was so funny about it. But, like, if you're, you know, your wife wants to have sex and she's all over you and you're thinking about work, you're thinking about something completely else, something that's consuming you, you're completely stressed, and you feel like, all right, I gotta just switch modes and get into this and make it happen. Like, there's a very low probability that you're gonna have a good experience. Sure, you could. But for men with high anxiety and fear of performance, that doesn't breed a good possibility for a good sexual interaction. So if you're feeling extreme fear and anxiety about your performance before sex, don't have it. Like, that's not the time to try. Because if you do try and it fails, you know, you're just gonna go deeper and deeper into, you know, putting yourself down and replaying this pattern of, I can't perform, I can't satisfy my partner. So being able to say no to sex and then create the environment of what does it mean for me to feel safe and good and ready for sex with my partner? Maybe it's, you know, I need to initiate sex for a little bit to get comfortable and make sure I'm in the right headspace. And then maybe my partner's gonna say no to me, which is okay. But understanding that for me, like, I want my partner and myself to both be a yes, not one person be, yeah, okay, like, sure, you know, and then them try to make it happen. So making sure it's. It's a yes for both will create the best experiences for sure.

How do men start to confront some of the anxiety? Because I know we're, you know, we're sort of talking about how diminished self worth, a sense of self worth, can impact sexual performance. And a lot of the times that, you know, will show up as some type of insecurity or a lot of anxiety of, like, is this going to go well? Am I going to be able to perform, etc. How do men start to deal with either the diminished sense of self worth of I'm not good enough, or What I want and desire sexually isn't okay, or there's something wrong with it. And then how do they start to deal with some of that anxiety? Let's, let's start to explore those pieces.

Yeah, sure. So I think it does start with, you know, if you think you're the only one and you're just terrible at sex and you keep bashing yourself for it, there's really no place, there's no way out. You know, you're just constantly putting yourself down and diminishing your self worth, which is, which is a horrible place to be. And, you know, for premature ejaculation, for example, it's up to 30 to 50% of men that experience it at some point in their lives. So being able to have the understanding of like, okay, I'm not alone in this. This isn't like totally abnormal and you know, what can I do to fix it? Or it's, there's a perfectly good reason for this. That's another important thing for men to understand that they think, like, I was just born this way. I'm fucked. Like, I'm just going to have this for life. And that's just not true. Like, every man can overcome their performance anxiety and have an amazing sex life. Life. So having that starting point of like, you know, and this is something that I wanted to bring into the conversation is, is having some faith and belief of like, well, I have premature ejaculation right now because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know why I have it, but once I know I'll be okay, I'll be able to fix it. So, but that starts with the awareness and acknowledgment that like, ah, okay, the way I'm living my life, the way I'm experiencing sex, the way I've done it so far hasn't worked. So I need to change that. And it's not because I'm doomed. It's because I just, I didn't really know what to do. So that's a really important starting place for me.

Yeah. And what about the guys that you know? Cause I think here's what I've heard from a lot of men is they have some type of performance anxiety, whether it's premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction or there's like a lot of anxiety around sex. And they, you know, maybe they're in a relationship where sex isn't happening frequently. And so it sort of pressurizes the system even more because it's like the opportunity to de stress and, and reduce the anxiety and sort of like practice some of these things is maybe happening less than they'd like. How does a man start to deal with some of that anxiousness? Because that's, I think it can be. It can be compounded when sex is happening infrequently and then when it does happen, there's like this extra added pressure.

Yeah. Like if you're not working on it, like through a process with a coach or, you know, with some program and you're not doing self practices to help you build the confidence, I think the only other tool you have in your bag at that point is open communication. So being able to share with your partner how you're feeling that like, hey, because we don't have sex that often, I am getting a bit nervous before. And so that might mean that we're about to start and we actually need to stop for a little bit and do some other things. Maybe we need to start a lot slower and really build up on the foreplay. Because for a lot of men, penetration is the main thing that they're like, I'm afraid of penetration. I know I'm going to go soft or I'm going to go too quickly once penetration starts. So it's like, how can we ease into that process and create safety every step of the way? And most men that I know and talk to don't want to have that conversation. It's the last thing they want to do. They want to like, how can I do everything in the world so I don't have to have this conversation basically, you know. But our weekly call last week in my program, it was like, every single guy was like, fuck, I need to have a conversation. I need to share this, you know. And one of the conversations was, you know, hey, babe, I know I'm not where I want to be yet, but if we can go into tonight without any expectations and, you know, no judgment, then I would still like love to do this with you. And it ended up being, you know, she fully received him and they had a much better experience.

It wasn't like it was fixed, but it was okay. Pressure released.

I think it's like, I think what you're talking about is just making progress, you know, and actually taking some incremental steps. And I've. I've likened, I mean, having worked with enough men that have some type of performance issue, I've likened it to, you know, it's like the first step of AA is admitting that you have a problem. I think for A lot of men, because there's so much shame around having some type of sexual challenge that it usually is this thing that's hidden, right? They don't want to admit to their buddies, they don't want to talk about it. You know, in. In therapy, they don't. It just doesn't want it. They don't want to bring it out. And so I think that, you know, to your point, part of it is that you need to find an environment where you can talk about it, where you can say, like, look, there's something that I'm struggling with, and I have a lot of shame around it. And. And I want to start addressing this. And I think that. That for so many men, is going to alleviate some of the pressure and the anxiety that's there, because, you know, in Jungian psychology, like, what you hide, what you suppress is, Is going to gain more power. And so for a lot of men, it's this first sort of therapeutic step of admitting that there's something that you're struggling with. And to the right people, you know, I think that's also important because you might share with your buddy that, you know, you watch UFC with on Saturday, and he's like, you know, just doesn't go well. He's like, just get the fuck over to, like, take some Viagra or whatever. And so you want to also be mindful of who you're sharing that information with and looking to support. Looking to get some support from. What about tactically, in the bedroom, like real time. Okay. Say a man's dealing with some type of performance anxiety, and, you know, he has some open communication with his wife or his girlfriend, and, you know, they start to have some type of sexual connection and performance anxiety comes up. What do you recommend that man does in the moment when he's kind of dealing with it?

Yeah. So one of the only levers that you really have is connection to your breath. You know, so to be able to calm yourself in that moment, right? So if your arousal is going really high, that you can slow it down. And for a lot of men, especially if they're stuck in their heads thinking, I hope this doesn't happen, their breath gets short and sharp and it can bring them closer to an ejaculation or, you know, they completely stop breathing altogether.

And same thing happens. So being able to just slow your breath down and connect will get you back in your body and, like, point blank, for guys who aren't really struggling that much with performance anxiety and. And it's just something that, like, happens Every once in a while or it's happened once or twice. Like if you know and you have the intention to stay connected to your breath and slow it down and be aware and mindful, like that's enough, you'll be able to figure it out, gain control and be able to perform. But yeah, that's like the number one thing. If you know, it's not ideal to say, hey, a guy's having sex tonight, he's in the middle of performance anxiety, like what's he going to do? It's not the best situation to be able to fix it, but that would be the first lever to pull is like slow down your breath, get connected and that will bring you back in your body.

I think one of the things that's interesting is how few men know like physiologically how their erection and, and ejaculation actually works. You know, they sort of know like, oh, blood goes in my penis and then you know, etc. But the amount of men that I've talked to over the years that, that haven't known that you have to be in more of a parasympathetic dominant state. You have to be in a more relaxed state to get an erection and maintain an erection. And that the closer you get to climax, the more your nervous system moves towards sympathetic dominant like, moves towards this more stress oriented state. And then when you climax it's like, you know, you're like your system like red lines. You kind of bounce off the rev limiter of being in that sympathetic state. And then you go down to a very, very parasympathetic state, very, very relaxed state.

And I think that that is something that I wish more men were taught, you know, and educated on that, you know, if you, if you really want to have a really good sexual experience, part of it as you're talking about is about maintaining this level of ease and calm in the face of a lot of excitement, right? Which is generally the battle that most men are having. So can you just speak to that part?

Yeah, that's very well said. You know, a lot of guys, if they're so nervous going into a sexual situation, they might enter penetration at that like 90% of their point of no return. They're not connected to themselves. They're thinking, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Like they're gonna be in damage control the entire time. Trying to bring yourself down from 90% is really hard, you know, so that, that's not where we want to start. I want you to start your sexual interaction at 50 to 60% right? Like, more in that parasympathetic state where I'm just.

Fully relaxed during foreplay, and then I'm transitioning into penetration when I'm still feeling completely calm and relaxed. So. So then during penetration, I'm staying at 60, 70% to the point of ejaculation at a place where I feel really comfortable and in control. And I think a lot of men want to go really hard, really fast, really soon, and that can just take them right up. And maybe they think that's what is expected of them or what their wife expects or a partner.

But being able to know yourself and be like, well, I like to start slow. I like to gradually increase into that and undulate into going faster, going slower. But the whole time I'm conscious of this. What is my point of no return, right? And so much of this is learned during self practice, right? Doing an edging practice and just knowing, like, what is my scale? Like, what is too far, how do I stay at around that level, how do I modulate my breath to be completely cruising, where, if this was penetrative sex, I feel amazing. So that's a really important part of the process.

I almost was going to give an analogy, comparing it to Muay Thai, comparing it to.

So, like, every week I do kick, like, kickboxing, slash Muay Thai, some version of it. And with this guy that fought in the ufc and he, like trans people that go and fight, you know, mma. And I remember when I first started, it was so hard to regulate my breath, and I would, like, max out all the time. You know, I would just go as, like, go as heavy as I could, just, like, throwing hands at the pads, trying to punch as heavy as I could, trying to kick as heavy as I could, and I would gas myself out immediately. And I think, to your point, this is what a lot of men end up doing in the bedroom, is that they. They like, gas out. You know, if we could use a sports analogy, they gas out too quickly and end up not only pressurizing their system, so there's like a lot of adrenaline, like, oh, this is going to happen. Almost like you're. You're going into a fight, but very, very different. Uh, and then, you know, you end up expending yourself too quickly. And one of the things that I had to learn was not only how to pace differently within kickboxing, but how to use my breath to ensure that I wasn't holding, you know, when I was taking a punch or taking a kick on the inhale, uh, I had to make sure that I wasn't like, you know, holding my breath and gripping when I was throwing a punch or a kick and like really having to learn how to be fluid with the breath while fighting. And sexually that's exactly the same. You know, I think that for a lot of men, I think, you know, I look back into, I mean I, I started watching porn back when it was like dial up Internet, you know, and it's like loading line by line. Just like, you know, you're like, oh, there's a nipple. Amazing. You're like, I can't wait for the.

Rest of the scrambled pay per view, you know.

Yeah, right. I feel like every young man should have to go through that part of porn to have some understanding of like anticipation instead of just like, here's every vagina in the world and you can access any, anything that you want at any given time and it's all in your pocket. I think that's terrible. But you know, I think back to, to discovering pornography and, and you know, sort of like acclimating to that. And I remember like as a, I mean I was pretty young, but I think one of the main things that it sort of like influenced me on was.

For better or for worse, that sort of like delayed experience, you know, of having to sort of like take my time, as it were, because I had no fucking choice because it was dial up Internet.

I like this is like, this is either going to be like, you know, I, I, people are either going to really love this conversation. On my side, you're doing great. It's just more on my side. Not going to be like, what the fuck was Connor talking about? Like, that's, that's too much information, bud. But you know, I do think that for a lot of men they experienced masturbation pornography in a very different way where it's like hyper stimulation immediately, everything that you could possibly want, hyper arousal immediately. And it gives you this kind of like super normal experience and then that, you know, when you're watching porn and you're, you know, you're masturbating and you're whatever your teens and your early early 20s, and then you carry that into sex. And I think for a lot of men, they've carried that into sex. I'm curious though, from your perspective, is there a correlation between men who struggle with self worth and men who have higher levels of performance anxiety? Like, is there a. I know there might not be research on that, but do you notice that more men with self worth issues generally tend to have some type of performance Issue.

It's hard because I only work with men who have performance issues. So I don't really have, you know, anyone else to compare it to. But I can say it's affecting their self worth 100%. Anyone who's. Who's not performing the way they want to in the bedroom feels like they can't satisfy their partner. You know, the main thing that comes up is they're like, I feel like less of a man. Those are the words that they use.

Why is that?

I think it's just.

This standard that they believe, you know, that men are supposed to be able to protect and provide and, you know.

Be this rock in so many different ways. And it includes in the bedroom. And that's one part where they're falling short. And I work with a lot of men who feel like they have everything else going right and this is the one place that's off and it's shaking their foundation quite a bit.

What's the sort of subsequent work that a man needs to do around self worth? Like, where. Where should a man start? Because I think self worth is not something that maybe most men would look at and be like, yeah, I have poor self worth, and that's affecting me in the bedroom. I think that's usually for a lot of men, I think it's. There's a disconnect there, or at least they don't see the through line. So where can men, you know, start. Start that work on self worth?

You know, I think this is complicated, and I think most people don't feel good enough. Right. Like, never enoughness is a very normal human thing to feel. I don't feel good enough because I don't make enough money. And, you know, there was just a news article that said Elon Musk made another trillion dollars. Right. And I compare myself to that. I'm not even making X amount. Then I feel like nothing. Right. And I think there's a lot of different things that influence us and make us feel this way, that I can compare myself to a million things where someone's doing better than me. But I also consider some of the conditioning we get from our parents. And if you were parented in a way, I was a soccer player and I had a father who was hard on me in a really good way and very supportive, but also expected a lot of me. And, you know, if I scored two goals, I should have had three, you know, so in a small way, I wasn't ever enough, you know, and that was kind of bestowed on me where I was like, oh, yeah, I should be better. And I think when you said, you know, this perfectionism, I think that's a big part of it too, is feeling like I need to be a complete and perfect man. And if I'm falling short in any way, then I'm not good enough. And in the really extreme cases, men come down, they're so hard on themselves, and if one area is off, they deem themselves unlovable, undateable.

So trying to understand where that comes from, maybe you would have a better understanding of that, but it's definitely present.

Yeah, I mean, I've been playing around with this idea. I mean, my son's four and a half, and so I've been playing around this idea of like, high standards, high support, you know, And I think what ends up happening for a lot of kids is that they've grown up in a lot of. Just a lot of us as people is that we've grown up in an environment where there was super high standards but very low support, and that can be crippling. Or there was no standards. Like, I grew up in a household where I didn't. There wasn't really any standards for me and there wasn't, you know, the expectations. I didn't really meet the expectations that were there, but there weren't really many expectations to begin with. But there also was. So I know there was also very little support. So there's like no standards, no support. And for some people, they have all the support in the world, but there's no real standards, there's no real expectations. We've kind of demonized that. You know, in, in modern culture, I think in, you know, part of the, just part of the cultural narrative right now is expectations and standards for kids are evil or bad or, you know, we should get rid of test scores and shit like that. And it's like, no, no. Kids actually need a standard to try and reach. There should be something aspirational, but they also need high levels of support. And I think when you look at individuals that have good self worth, there's a high standard that they're held to, but then there's also extreme support that they're given. And I think that's where we, as young boys and as men, we often miss out on that, is that we have these huge standards and expectations that we have for ourselves. But for better or for worse or, you know, because of our upbringing or whatever, we've. We've negated to have any type of support and that cripples, I think a lot of men and so, yeah, I mean, I think that the self worth piece is, is interesting because I do think that for a lot of men, what I've seen is that when they lack a sense of self worth, it can either negatively impact their, their sexual arousal system and their connection in their relationship, or it becomes the place where they try and find self worth. Like, I think that was me, you know, in my, in my late teens and early twenties. It was like, I wasn't good at much, but I could get women's attention, you know, and.

And I liked having sex. And so, and, you know, whether or not I was good at that is sort of up to other people to, to decide. The arrogant 20, 20 year old of me was like, and I was good at it, but, you know, and so, but it's where I got a lot of attention. And so it was like, oh, I'm good in this area. There's validation here. And because I lacked a sense of self worth, that became like one of the only places where I could get value and worth in my life. And that had its own sort of issues and challenges that I had to deal with.

When it comes to. Can we just touch on the sort of differences between.

Just like performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed? Because I think those are all a little bit different in their own way. So maybe we just start with some of the challenges that men experience with.

Just start with like erectile dysfunction, where they either, you know, struggle to get an erection or maintain an erection. What's happening in their psyche, what's happening in their body and what can they do to start to address that?

Yeah, I definitely want to talk about that, but I wanted to touch on, like, what you just mentioned about raising your kid and how much support is such a huge part of that. You know, having the standards and the support and, you know, for men with low self worth, with performance anxiety, they can't talk to anyone or they feel like they can't talk to anyone, and so they just keep burying themselves and saying, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough. But when you do actually get support, you know, whether you're in a men's group or a community like mine, or talking to a therapist, you can actually start to unravel this and realize, you know, wow, I'm not alone, or I can get through this and there's a path forward and having a bit of faith and support, you know, having someone in your life who believes in you more than you, you know, if I, if I Talk about my father in the, in the way some of those things influenced me. At the same time, he also made me feel like I could literally, I could score three goals and I could be playing at a higher level and I could be anything. And that belief made me feel like I could also achieve so much. So I think the value of having a support community of people who have been through it or who know what you're going through can help you along the way too. And to just know that men, there are other men going through this.

Totally. Yeah. Agreed, agreed. 100%. Yeah. I mean, and shifting the conversation, you know, I think a lot of the times men's conversation with one another around sex is like very one dimensional. You know, it's like, here's the highlight reel and how amazing it was. Not the, here's where shit's not going well and here's where the disconnection is. And you know, that can be, that can be incredibly isolating, but it can also like really pressurize a man's internal system of like, oh, I got to get this right and figure it out by myself.

Yeah. And you mentioned this before, there are certain men who just aren't able to hold that space. And that's okay, you know, but there are people who can. And that's really important to know too.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So let's, let's look at ed. So when a man's struggling with erectile dysfunction, what's happening inside of him? What are some of the main contributing factors that are leading him to either struggle in, you know, getting an erection or maintaining it?

So, you know, you said, let's go through each one and you want to, let's put it all under the umbrella of all of these are performance anxiety based sexual dysfunctions. That's how we're looking at it. Because ED could be because you're overweight and have all these health related issues or you're on certain medications. We're not talking about that. We're talking about a young, healthy guy who's in his head worried about how he's going to be able to either get or maintain an erection. And for most of the ED based ones, it's literally one interaction where it happened. Right. And of course, this is not all cases, but in a lot of cases that I work with, they're like, they distinctly remember, okay, this one time I couldn't get it up, I couldn't perform. And ever since then, it's all I've thought about. I'm so terrified of that happening. Again and feeling the embarrassment and feeling low self worth and feeling like less than a man, that I'm just completely fixated on it. And the more they think about it, the harder it gets, the more they're unable to perform. And it's just, it's so much pressure that they put on themselves and they feel like they can't get out of it, you know. And in most cases with those guys, I'm like, let's look at that situation. What happened? Why was it so different? And it's something like completely unsafe, you know, something that no one would be able to get or maintain interaction in. And I reflect that back to them. I'm like, I wouldn't be able to perform under those conditions. And they're like, oh, shit, okay. And they realize they've just been so hard on themselves. Like there's no understanding for the fact that one time they could feel not ready to have sex. And this goes on to those like, unrealistic standards I was talking about before that I'm just, I, I, my partner wants to have sex with me. Like, it's like, I, I like to say men think that their penis like work for them. It's like, hey, it's time, like, just fucking do it.

Wait, hold on. He doesn't work for me. What are you talking about, Alex? Hold on, hold on.

He doesn't work for you. And you know, instead of just demanding him to perform the way you want him to, why don't you start considering what he actually wants and needs and to allow an erection to happen, not force it?

And there's a huge difference there. It's like, how do you want to be touched in order to get an erection? Not just forcibly with your head. Be like, hey, it's time. She's touching your leg. You need to be hard. It's ridiculous.

Yeah. Would you say that, would you say that in some cases.

Like your sexual arousal, your ability to get erect is going to be like a litmus test for whether or not you want to be in that situation or you want to be engaging in it or. Because I think sometimes there's a big disconnect that men experience in the body. And so would you say that it's a litmus test sometimes that we maybe ignore? Because it sounds like what you're talking about is in a lot of these situations, guys have been in some type of situation where it, you know, they didn't want to, or it wasn't optimal, or there was like something that was super stressful about that situation. And and then they, they couldn't get it up. And you know, for good reason. Right. It's like your dick was trying to tell you something and you didn't listen. And then, you know, he was like, no, no dice. This ain't happening. So can it be a litmus test sometimes that something's off or wrong?

Yeah. And when you say, you know, it's like, yeah, your penis is telling you something. Your nervous system is also telling you something. And another situation might be you're with your partner. You know, there is a long period before you have sex because you're busy and you, you're actually quite resentful over some argument that you had. And your partner's like, hey, I want to have sex. And she starts initiating sex with you. And you feel like you should because you haven't had sex in a while. But the truth is you're pretty pissed off at her and there's something that you haven't said yet. So that can be another situation where you're just like, I'm not feeling connected to you right now, but I haven't communicated it. And I'm trying to press on anyway and push through. And then it results in, you know, an ED or a disconnected experience. And you're both left thinking like, oh no, what's happening? Our sex life is falling apart. Meanwhile, a conversation just need to be had.

Yeah. So emotional suppression, also a solid contributing factor to performance anxiety, is what you're saying Huge.

You know, there's just so much tension that can build up from those things that aren't said, from those emotions that aren't expressed. And it's really difficult to connect to someone who you feel disconnected from. It's quite impossible.

What about, what about for the guys that. Because I've heard this quite a bit as well from men where they're like.

Start dating a woman, they think that she's somehow above them. Right. That she's like out of his league or that she's, you know, so hot or whatever the case may be. And that's when he struggles to perform. Right. So it's like. Because I think that's, I've heard that from a number of guys where it's like, found a woman super attractive. I think she's so crazy hot, couldn't get it up. What the fuck? What's happening in that situation?

Yeah, I think that's like, you know, if the guy thinks she's better than him, that's like a self worth issue. Right. Right off the bat. And he's kind of proving it. He's like, see, I told you to himself, he's saying, I told you you weren't good enough for her and you couldn't satisfy her and you're not supposed to be with her. So it's. It can be a form of self sabotage where they're kind of psyching themselves out even before the interaction, and they're going, you're going to fuck this up. You don't deserve her. And then they make sure it happens. And sex and, you know, poor performance is one way that that can manifest for sure.

So fucked up.

Oh, it's hard.

So I, sitting there listening, I'm like, that's such a pain in the ass.

Yeah.

As a dude, where you're just like. You're like, wait. So, okay, so I think that's. That's very apt. So you're, you know, I think it's another good example of how your sense of self worth can be, you know, if you're lacking self worth can be reinforced through some of these experiences. Like, oh, you're like, oh, I knew I was going to come too fast. Or like, oh, I knew I would be able to get up. Oh, I knew. And then that continues to diminish your sense of self worth. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. Versus the opposite, which is, you know, men who do work on these issues and then they get to a point where they're like, I know I'm gonna be able to satisfy my partner. I know I'm gonna be able to satisfy myself. And that obviously does contribute to self worth. And you feel really good about that. And then, you know, I work with guys who never think about performance anxiety again once they fix it. And they kind of. They can look back and be like, holy shit, I can't believe I had that, you know, and for so long. And now it's just this easeful part of their life that they're extremely confident in.

How would you say that a man can approach. Like, should men have routines around masturbation or sex? Should they have rituals that they can deploy that are going to support them in.

Maybe optimal performance isn't the right way to say it, but, you know, I think about going to the gym. It's like, I have a stretching routine that I do every single morning, and that makes sure that my body is, you know, limber and loose enough to go and do throw around the weights that I want to throw around. So should men have rituals and routines that they have on a daily basis? They're going to Support them within sex and intimacy?

Yeah, that's a really good question. And I think one of the best ways is to have the intention of not trying to increase your sexual performance and instead have the intention of, how can I connect deeper with myself? How can I experience more? And if going into, you know, an edging practice or a pleasure practice, your only goal is to just feel and experience. And you don't have a goal and you don't have an expectation, and you practice that, that's going to lead to the best experiences. Get used to not performing, especially with yourself. The goal shouldn't be, I need to get 10 edges. You know, I have to hit this objective, right? Or how much time between the edges. It's like, are you having a good time? Are you enjoying it? Are you connected to your experience? Do you feel in control? Because those are the things that matter. And being able to. If you say a ritual, I like to say setting the intention before, let's say an edging practice, because that's a very common practice that anyone can try tonight is being able to look yourself in the mirror, say to yourself, hey, this isn't about trying to fix my pe. How can I just enjoy connecting deeper with myself and experiencing pleasure? Because that's how you're going to have the best experiences with your partner. Not going, I need to hit this goal. I need to last over 10 minutes. I need to be. You know, it's when you feel free and you're like, I just get to enjoy being with my partner and asking for things that give me the most pleasure. And her giving her the things that give her the most pleasure. And then let's just see what happens. And when you do that, more often than not, you get all the goals that you want anyway.

I think what you're saying. I always try and put myself in the conversations on the show, in the mindset of who I was at 25, you know, or before I started this work. And I think part of the challenge with what you're saying, I think for the average guy is like, we are so results oriented and so performance oriented and so outcome focused, you know, and so it's a huge mindset change, I think, for a lot of men to go from, okay, I have a goal, I'm going to last for this long, or here's the outcome that I want to have happen, you know, or whatever that is. And that you have this objective that you're trying to shoot towards and to shift away from that towards something that's more about internal connection. And satisfaction, I think can be. I think it can be challenging for guys, you know, so for the men that are very like, hyper linear and very rational focused, how do they go about doing that? Like, how do they go about making the shift from kind of being really fixated on a result or an outcome and shifting away from that? Because it can feel safe, right? I think for a lot of men, it also feels safe. It's like, okay, I'm Gonna last for 20 minutes tonight. And like, that's my goal. That's my mission, you know? And then they're focused in on that, and it gives them something to sort of think about and take their mind off of other shit. So how do they make that shift?

I appreciate you saying that. And you're absolutely right. Most men are like, what are you talking about? Goals are what guides me. That's how I think. And working with engineers, they're like, this is the only way I know how to do things. But.

We need to have the understanding that pleasure doesn't work that way. You don't get to force pleasure. And I know that's inconvenient for us, but it's the one place, not the one place, but it's a place where we need to actually let go of control. And it's a funny paradox there, because in order to gain control in the bedroom, you need to let go of control. And I think the closest thing I can kind of liken it to is, is like chasing enlightenment, you know, like, the harder you try, you know, the further away you get. And it's very similar to this. You know, you have to let go and feel and be in the experience and really, truly embody it. And that might be even a foreign term for. For most men who are like an engineer type, mindset is like, what the hell is embodiment, right? And that's another thing is like, we're so disconnected from our bodies and we need to relearn and retrain and reconnect to that part of us. And it came up last night in our weekly call because part of my week two practice is connecting to your body and pleasure in your body without any genital touch. And it's like the wires just cross. And men are like, I don't like, what the fuck is this? You know, how do I do this? It's so uncomfortable. It's so new. Like, I only know touching my genitals and my penis. That's what pleasure is. But we have a whole body and we have so much to experience through, you know, Learning our breath and building arousal through the breath and touching ourselves in different ways. And I know it's a foreign concept. It was completely foreign for me. I thought it was ridiculous and I didn't want to do it, and I put it off for weeks. But, you know, for a lot of things, you have to get out of your comfort zone and try something to even know that it can be possible and real or helpful for you.

Yeah, yeah. I think sex, I mean, I think what we're talking about, which is interesting, is that all of this is a very, like, meditative practice, you know, and for men, I mean, one of the reasons why a huge part of what we do is, like, giving men tools to broaden their awareness and their consciousness of body sensation, emotions, and breath, specifically the breath, is that that is a meditative practice. And the more that you can do that, the more you can strengthen this muscle of being aware of what's happening in your body, being aware of what's happening with your breath, like, oh, it's getting super constricted. I know what that means, you know, is going to happen, or I feel this tension rising up in the body. I know what that means, you know, is going to happen. I know, you know, I know how to actually, like, downregulate that and relax and soften into it. So I think, you know, everything that you're talking about is a meditative practice. You know, it's like having a mindfulness to something that normally we're very just outcome oriented, goal oriented, and shifting that to. To something that's more meditative and more mindful, and that can make a huge, huge difference. We're going to have to wrap up here soon. But just a quick, like, side question. Do you think that men. And maybe I'll give a caveat to this. I've seen all these, like, hilarious videos on, you know, reels and Instagram and whatnot of, like, dudes with, like, a guy sitting in the gas station, he's, like, in his car and he pulls up and he's, like, listening to some, like, you know, really intense romance novel, you know, and he's got his windows rolled down, and the person across is.

Like, what the hell?

Do you think that men should listen to romance novels to better understand.

Their own desire, their own arousal, A woman's desire and arousal? Do you think that men should tune into those or is that just, like, best left in the void of the mystery?

I have no idea what you're referencing. Like, never heard of this before, so I really. I can't add much to it. So I can't say if that would be beneficial or not. I haven't read romance novels, so. Yeah, I haven't either.

Sorry, I haven't either. I haven't either. I don't, I don't, I don't know. It'd be, it'd be interesting. I had a woman on a while back and she was a Stanford professor, I think. I think she was from Stanford or Harvard. And she was talking about her like romance novel addiction. And she was like the leading researcher of addictions at Stanford or Harvard. I think it was Stanford. And she was talking about like just this insatiable urge just like go and read these romance novels and I just see it catching fire more and more for women. And I have a theme theory that AI is going to be curated. AI porn is going to be very visual for men and it's going to be very auditory for women. AI porn for women is going to be very much auditory. It's going to be about these like, you know, really curated storylines and really curated emotional characters that the woman will be able to create, right? She'll be able to like dial his empathy all the way down and his like psychopathy all the way up so that he's just like a fuck machine. Or she'll be able to do the inverse, right, where he's like this very sweet, loving, super tuned in, super emotionally connected AI chatbot that she'll get to have all types of sexual exploits with. And so I think it's gonna be weird and wild in the next little while. All the more reason to prioritize everything that you're talking about. So, dude, thank you so much for the conversation today. Where can people go to learn more about you and your work and your mission?

Yeah, if you're someone who is really struggling with PE or ED and you're looking for support, check out my website@alexgrundy.com and we could see if you're a right fit for working with me. But for free information, I have my YouTube channel and we can leave a link for that that has amazing tools and a lot of the things we talked about with practical steps where if you're someone who isn't struggling that much, you could do these things and see an immediate result. So that can be very helpful.

Awesome. Yeah, we'll have the links for that in the show notes and you definitely have a bunch of very practical stuff on your YouTube channel, which is a huge channel. Well done on that and well done on the content that you put out because I think that's really supporting a lot of men. So thanks so much for joining me. Men, don't forget. And everyone that's tuning in, don't forget to man it forward. If somebody in your life that you think would get a kick out of this conversation needs to hear it, would enjoy it. Don't forget to man it forward. And as always, this is Carmen Beaton signing off. We'll see you next week.