Creating Emotional Safety by Confronting the Past

Foreign.

My friend. Welcome to the Man Talk show. How are you feeling today?

A little nervous, but good, Happy to be here.

Good stuff. Yeah. I mean little, little bit of nerves is, is, is normal in these types of conversations, you know, where I don't know you very well. You don't. I mean, maybe you have some context for me. Um, and you know, we're gonna have a conversation that people are gonna tune into and so recognize that. But I thank you for, for just joining me and being willing to have this, this dialogue and to explore what you might want to work on. So on that note, maybe give me a little bit of context for what, what questions you have, what, what struggles you're dealing with or what you'd specifically like to address or get out of this, this conversation that we'll have today.

I would say a couple things. Recalling childhood. I don't really have a resource for that.

So it's kind of, it's shooting in the dark. I remember maybe 10% of it and it comes fleeting.

And then I would say maybe finding.

Safety and connection.

And how to kind of work on that from a place of being single.

Uh huh. So is that, can, could we frame that as. I, I don't necessarily feel safe in relationships.

How would you, how would you frame that?

Good question.

It doesn't feel organic. I guess would be a good way of putting it. Whenever I do kind of connect and share to a little bit of a deeper level, it comes from a place.

Of.

Trying to ease something or trying to, I guess relate to somebody from a place of like being in service to them, I guess, if that makes sense.

Yeah. So I'm in, I'm in this relationship to try and figure out what you need versus expressing what I want and need.

Yeah. From a platonic standpoint, it's to ease their, I guess, anxiety of kind of opening up themselves to me. So that's usually when I would share just something that may be relatable or something to just kind of ease that tension.

Okay. Do you have a sense of where that came from?

Or maybe I'll ask this a different way. Who did you have to take care of or feel like you had to attune to growing up?

Definitely my dad.

And it.

What? Well, I guess in a sense it was a tune. I would say that I kind of had to curb whatever I was experiencing.

And just kind of. Yeah. Figure out what he needed or ways to avoid eggshells as best as possible.

Okay, why was that? Why did you have to attune to what he was Going through and. And try and sort of tailor your behavior to him.

Just volatile.

You know, kind of. He wasn't equipped with the tools to be able to process his own experience and attune with mine as well and hold space for that.

Got it, got it. Okay, so two follow up questions, which is tell me about his volatility. What was his volatility like? Let's just start with that one.

Loud, big.

Angry, just kind of.

I.

Guess in a sense that's where he found his power, if you will, to kind of get the outcome that he may have been looking for.

What was that like for you?

Scary, frustrating. And just kind of.

Created a disconnect. And we still have it to this day.

Okay, got it. Well, just take, take a breath for me, buddy. Take a breath for me. This sounds like there's a lot of charge there. It feels like there's a lot of charge there just talking about it. So take a nice deep inhale. Just slow down the breathing a little.

And when you're ready, tell me what's happening internally. As you talk about, as you talk about that.

I would say it feels like my throat's closing.

Okay.

Just kind of a bottleneck, I guess.

Okay, so breathe into that. Just stay with it for a moment and just breathe into that energy in the neck, trying to close off.

Creating a little bit of a bottleneck in the body.

And just see if you can let it stay open a little bit. We don't have to force it open. You don't have to.

Completely close off.

But as you notice that happening to the best of your ability. Say what? That's protecting you from.

A flood.

Yeah. Flood of what?

Emotion, experience. Frustration, anger.

And obviously that's kind of top level. There's a lot more to that, kind of the gateway, if you will.

Okay, Gateway to what? Part of you or what aspects of you?

The inner child, the boy that shut down and his experience.

Yeah.

So just take another breath with me here.

And just let yourself stay in contact with that energy in the neck.

And everything that's underneath.

Sounds like there's a lot underneath it. Lots of emotions, lots of energy.

So maybe if you want, you can just let the eyes stay closed for a second and just try and stay with some of those emotions. We don't need to move away from them.

Now. I'll just say it to you directly right now, which is though, all those emotions are welcome here.

I get that they didn't have a place with dad.

But they can have a place here and you can be safe in Expressing those emotions.

So just let that hit you. It's okay to feel what I'm feeling right now.

Take another breath into it.

And just say what it's like to hear that.

Different.

Uneasy, but at the same time, refreshing.

I can feel my nervous system starting to relax and kind of lean into that.

Mm.

Good. So just stay with it for a sec. Close the eyes again if you're comfortable with that. Just try and stay with everything that's happening inside of you.

And breathe into it.

And just make a statement about what it was like for you to be around his volatility and his anger.

What was that like for you as a boy?

Exhausting.

Frustrating. Scary.

And.

For a while, I picked up the same traits.

The same. Same habits.

Yeah. So just, again, just let yourself be affected by what you're.

It was really scary for me as a boy.

And I became.

In some ways, the thing that I never wanted to become.

Just keep letting that come up a little bit.

What just happened. When I said that what happened inside of you.

It just. It brought back memories.

Okay. Memories of what?

My actions.

In relationship.

Yeah, relationship. And just in general.

Makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense.

How you doing?

Just straight in. Hey, we're just going straight in. Sorry, bud.

No.

I came kind of expecting it. I knew this was gonna be a roller coaster and a bit of a rocker.

Yeah. Okay, good. So close your eyes with me again. Take another breath in.

And I just want you to stay with the intensity that keeps coming up inside of you, because it I'm with you, I can really feel what you're going through, and I can tell it's a lot. And I just want you to know you're not going through that alone. And I've got you. And nothing that you have to say, feel, experience, it's too much. None of it is too much for me.

And I can hold you in. And through all of that.

Just let yourself feel that. Let yourself be affected by what I just said.

Because that is not what you got as a boy.

And just for a moment, let yourself connect to the deepest part of you that wanted to be held by dad emotionally, physically.

That needed love.

And that needed safety.

And then just breathe into that.

And make a statement from there.

Take your time. Let's try and stay with it, okay? Just try and stay with it.

Say what's happening inside.

It's.

Peaceful. The shakes are gone.

It's not.

The best way I could put it is the bouncy ball that I felt was inside of me is not there.

Tell me about the Bouncy ball. What's that?

Just the charge.

It.

Yeah, just. I get shaky. I can feel it basically from the chest down.

Yeah. So breathe in. Again.

Is when I just do a little piece of work here.

Good. That was a great breath. So stay. Stay in there for a moment. And I just want you to try and visualize.

That boy back in the house that you grew up in.

Maybe he's in his room, maybe he's in the living room.

But just connect with them. See him. Connect with him energetically.

And once you're connected to him, just again, make a statement. It.

Stay with it.

Say what's happening.

A little bit of the shakes coming back. I can feel a little bit of the charge.

And.

Yeah, just kind of went back to.

The little house that I grew up in. In the backyard, playing with my dog next to his. Next to the red fence, in his little red.

What's it like to see that? Just stay. Just try and stay with it for a moment. We'll go nice and slow. Just keep the eyes closed. Say what it's like to see that boy in the backyard next to the red fence and dog playing outside.

I don't really have words for it.

That's okay. Just let yourself. Just let yourself be affected by it.

Let it hit you.

And then make a statement to him. To that boy.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Make a statement to that boy. What do you want to say to him?

Don't hide.

Take another breath.

Yeah, so it's okay for you to come out.

So maybe just say that to him.

Say what's happening.

Tension. I can feel it in my arms, but it's different. It's not like the bouncy ball. It's a.

It's a constant, I guess. Can feel it through my back, through my lats, down into my mid to lower back.

And then like a vibration and hum, kind of in the belly.

Okay, great. So that's all right. Stay with that for a moment.

And just really tune into all that energy through the arms, this sort of constant force.

Embrace whatever it is that you're experiencing. And then.

Just tune into.

What that energy wants to say or who it wants to speak to. And then just make a statement from that place right there.

What is that part of you want to say to dad?

To watch his words.

His words will become reality.

Keep going. What else?

Some things can't be undone.

And to be mindful.

His needs growing up aren't my needs.

So breathe into that. You're doing great. And just stay there for A second. Stay with that.

And I just want you to, again, bring back that visualization of being out in the backyard seeing that boy.

But also having dad back there.

So he's out in the yard as well.

And I just want you to position yourself in that visualization between you.

As a boy and dad.

So you can be standing in front of the boy. You can be standing beside the boy with your hand on his shoulder.

And just describe what's happening. So I'm right there with you.

I'm standing behind him with my hand.

Over the shoulder and a little bit under the collarbone. And he's just got. He's got his pup laying across his feet. We're just kind of standing there looking out.

Good. So let that hit you. Just let it hit you.

So now from there, make another statement to dad.

Walk away.

Walk away and what?

Just walk away? No more?

Yeah.

You don't get to hurt this kid anymore.

You okay to say that to him?

You don't get to hurt the kid anymore.

Yeah.

Another breath. You're doing really good.

Anything else you want to say to him?

Just that I wish he.

Did the work for himself and stepped away from ego.

So say that to him directly. What would that sound like?

I wish you would have leaned into yourself rather than.

Leaning into.

Simply kind of business and looking for success solely from the physical, material way. The relationship that you wanted would have been possible, but only through.

Doing your own work.

And I wished you would have and could have.

Another breath. Deep breath. And out.

Another one of those.

I just want you to feel some of that energy ripping through the arms and in the back and shoulders, down the lats.

And really feel your spine.

Really feel the strength in your spine.

And make a statement from that place right from your spine to him.

What was that? Really make a statement directly from your spine to dad. It.

Another breath. Deep breath in.

You okay if I give you something to try out?

Sure.

Okay.

So. Dad, I'm gonna do what you couldn't.

I'm gonna do what you couldn't.

Dad, I'm gonna do what you could.

Yeah.

Say what that's like. What's happening inside?

My hands are numb. I can feel, like, the tension through my back. And it shifted down.

It's lower.

It's right on the outside of my spine.

And that one, it just. It cuts deep. That's at the core.

It's overwhelming, to be honest.

Mm. That's okay.

Just breathe into it.

Maybe let yourself. You can open and close the hands if you need. Open and close them. Or you can just squeeze them really tight.

You can also grab onto the desk or on the chair. You find something to squeeze.

Now I just want you to take an inhale in and you're going to exhale and you're just going to let some of that tension out with a sound.

You can sigh. You can say a word. You can say. You can let it yell out whatever you need, but just let some of that energy out authentically.

Again.

You don't have to go full blast, but a little bit louder if you're comfortable with that.

Damn it, man.

Yeah.

Why couldn't you.

Why couldn't you just show up?

Why couldn't you just leave him alone?

Why couldn't you have just loved me?

And why did you have to keep hurting me?

Why couldn't you just love me?

Why couldn't you just show up for me?

Deep breath. You're doing good.

Just let him reply back in his own way. Let him respond back. Just see what he says.

What does he say back? Or what happens? What does he do?

He shuts down and just says that he didn't. Didn't. And doesn't know how.

Yeah.

So breathe into that.

So that might be true.

It may not have known how.

Breathe into it.

And that still doesn't make it okay.

And that still doesn't make it okay.

Yeah.

Just make one more statement to him. I needed you to get over your own. I needed to get out of your own ego. I needed you to grow up. Just make a statement to him from that place.

I needed you to set an example.

Yeah.

One that could be followed.

Yeah.

And one from a place of compassion and.

Love. Yeah.

Well, you're setting that example now.

You're doing a good job.

So take a breath in. I'm just going to make a.

Bit of a statement here. And you just notice what happens inside and you just see if it feels true for you or not. Okay.

My. My gut is that you followed in his footsteps.

In some ways because you were trying to figure out why he treated you the way that he treated you.

It's not a rational, conscious decision. Doesn't make sense.

But he did set an example.

And you stepped into that.

To try and figure him out. And likely to try and just feel close to him.

So take a breath and just say how all that lands.

It kind of hits.

I think it's definitely like a subconscious experience.

And I knew nothing else.

Yeah.

You know, in a sense, he was my elder, and so I lived through that example until I was shown otherwise.

And I. I didn't know anything else.

I didn't know what.

Compassion looked like. And in those moments.

Yeah.

So take a breath.

And out.

And just come back to hands on the shoulders of that younger boy.

And again, straight to dad.

And you have to find your own words for this. But something along the lines of.

I'm going to take it from here.

And I'm going to treat this boy in the way that he needed.

I'm going to give him what you couldn't.

I'm gonna show him a different path.

I'm gonna lead by example.

And show him how to hold space for those around him that look to him.

Good job.

Good job. Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead.

You've done what you could with what you were given.

It's my turn.

Yeah.

And so just let him leave of his own accord. Let dad leave. Let him walk back into the house or out of the yard. Just let him leave.

Yep.

Stay with it. You're doing good. Stay with it. Say what's happening inside. So I'm right there with you.

Hands are numb. My arms.

I don't really feel much going on. I can feel a ton of tension in my back and the upper, like, shoulder blade areas.

And then right down kind of mid back into the spine. Just tight.

Kind of almost feels like somebody's taking a massage gun over it with just the vibration that I can feel the energy.

And kind of in my solar plexus up underneath my ribs in the front.

Good. So just put a hand on the chest, hand on the belly. Let yourself sit up, and you're just going to take a couple breaths in through the nose. Long exhale and sigh out the mouth. So some audible sound out the mouth as you exhale.

Just let some of that tension and energy move out. Almost as if you're releasing it out of the mouth.

Great. A couple more and just let a sigh. Can a little bit of sound.

Good. Couple more. Really elongating the sound now may feel a little bit odd.

Good. Couple more like that. I'll do it with you.

Good. Say what's happening in the body as you do that.

It's relaxing.

I don't feel as charged.

Good.

My shoulder blades feel like they've kind of rolled back into better posture. They're not.

Tense.

A little bit in the lats, but not like it was just kind of.

Coming back to being grounded.

Good.

Good. So take another breath in.

And at your own pace, just facing that younger self and maybe getting down on a knee.

Making contact with him.

And then making one last statement to him. Whatever it Is that you want to know him, to know.

You're gonna be all right.

Yeah, you're gonna be all right. Because I.

We'll show you a different path.

Yeah. I'm going to be the role model that you actually needed.

The arrow model.

And show you how to lead with compassion rather than destruction.

And I'll teach you that anger doesn't have to be harmful, that it actually can protect.

Instead of be hostile.

So just notice how he's responding to that. Anything that he wants to say back to you?

Skeptical.

That's okay.

But curious.

Good.

So just take another breath, and then at your own pace, come on back in.

And just try and maintain connection with him. But come on back in.

Good work.

So maybe just before I break anything down, do you want to make any statements about that piece of work or any questions that you have for me?

Any resources, recommendations.

Kind of to work through that charge?

Yeah.

Yeah. So.

What I. Well, let me. Let me just give you. I'll break down two or three things, and I'll give you a very specific practice, which is what I was actually walking you through in the. In the piece of work. So.

One of the things that can happen when we grow up around a parent who is very volatile and hostile and we feel like we have to walk on eggshells constantly, is that it's hard to. It becomes hard to remember things because your system is in a state of fight or flight on a regular basis. Sometimes it's almost always in this state of fight or flight when that parent is around. And so that physiological somatic nervous system state becomes the dominant force. It becomes the dominant experience that then imprints itself on us. And sometimes we don't remember. We don't remember things as clearly as we could because what we do remember is just this sort of chronic state of, am I okay? Right? Am I safe? Am I going to get in trouble? Am I going to get yelled at? Am I going to get hit? Am I going to, you know, know, be told I'm stupid? Or like, whatever your experience was. So you might find that.

As you do the exercise, I'm going to walk you through that. Some of those memories do start to come back and you. But you might find that your memories are more felt. They're just more in your body, right? Because your. Your body is. Your body is sort of its own brain and it has its own memories. Right? Your nervous system literally remembers things. You know, it remembers what it's like to be around dad or be around mom or be around that ex. Or play with the dog, it remembers what things feel like. And so your core memories just might be a little bit more experiential than visual.

Okay, so what I want you to start to tune into is what are. Maybe I'll just get you to write down this question or you can come back and find it after whatever is convenient for you. But what are some of the somatic experiences I know I had growing up? What are some of the somatic or physiological memories that I have from growing up? And you can explore that, right? It's like I remember what it felt like to, you know, go to grandma's house. This is how it felt being at grandma's house. You might not have visual memories of what people said or what you did. It's just, here's how it felt and here's what I experienced at grandma's house or at grandpa's house or with that aunt and uncle. And what I would encourage you to do is to go through a lot of your family system growing up. Do you have siblings?

Yeah, two.

Yeah. You know, so same thing there. What did it feel like to be around them? Were there different periods or stages that you and your siblings went through? Um, and just start to connect to that more experiential based memory of what it felt like to be around them and what you experience? So I think that'll be a great exercise for you. And what I found for a lot of clients is that in doing this process, sometimes memories pop back up or like, oh, yeah, I remember like this feeling activated, this memory of like playing outside in the backyard with my sibling, you know, digging holes underneath the fence, like, whatever you guys did.

What I would. What I want you to try and do is a couple times a day.

Probably.

Well, whatever feels reasonable for you. But at least three times a day for the next month, I'd like for you to do the exercise that I walked you through. So hand on the chest, hand on the belly, and you're going to take a nice little long, deep inhale in through the nose. And you're going to sigh out through the mouth. Okay. And an audible sigh.

And you're just going to let some sound move through the body. So it's almost like you're. And you can play around with it, right? You can find one note.

And you just let that sound out. Or you can move the sound around or you can go down. Ah.

But what I want you to start to do is this is going to help you do two things. I want you to focus on a couple of things. Number One, you're focusing on a very easy, relaxed breath in through the nose and then a long exhale out the mouth with some tone. And this is going to help your nervous system to what's called down regulate and to find a deeper sense of safety in the body. Because your body has, I would imagine if I was around you and I could see you physically, you probably carry a ton of tension in your musculature. You probably have very dense muscles.

And so this is going to help you find some relaxation, but it's also going to teach your nervous system how to downregulate and to find some safety. And so at least three times a day, really good to try and use this. Like, when you feel stressed, when you feel anxious, when you feel overwhelmed, do this exercise for just two or three minutes. Doesn't have to be super long. You can do it for a little bit longer if you want, but two or three minutes. Okay.

Do you have trouble going to sleep at night?

Depends. Okay. It if I got a lot going on or if I kind of go down a rabbit hole, it can be hard to shut my mind off.

Got it. When. When that happens, lay on your back with your butt against the wall, legs straight up the wall so that your feet are facing the ceiling. Okay. So lay on your back, butt against the wall, legs straight up the wall, and lay there for four or five minutes before you go to bed and just focus on breathing into your belly. And what this does is it forces circulation. It literally draws the blood from your legs down into your chest and forces circulation. And it slows your heart rate down, which slows your breath rate down, which puts you into a more parasympathetic nervous system. So this will help you to calm. So you can use that throughout the day if you're feeling really taxed. But that's a good one to do at night. But the main one that I want you to focus in on is exhaling with the sigh and starting to practice moving some of that energy out. Okay. To vocalize moving some of that energy out. What. Maybe I can be more concise here. What can happen around, especially a father who's very loud and big and volatile is, is we. We develop a safety system within our body of protecting oursel by locking up. So we lock up our breath, we lock up physically, we. It's like bracing for impact, right? It's like right before you crash your bike, you're like, you know, you tense your whole body, right. That becomes a kind of chronic state that we can live in when we grow up around a parent like that. And so this exercise I'm giving you is going to help to undo some of that unconscious locking that I am guessing is happening in your body whenever you move into a stress state. Okay. So bonus points, you can try some yin yoga, which I think would be good. It's a very slow form of yoga. You sit in a posture for, you know, three, four minutes. You can find it online. It's Y I N yin yoga. And I would recommend that you do that a couple times a week. And that's, again, it's just going to help you to get more into your body and to release some of the really intense locking and gripping that your body sort of developed to protect itself against. Dad.

Makes sense.

No, absolutely. Everything that I do that gets me into my body is always tense. Whether it's, you know, riding the motorcycle, going to the gym.

Yeah, no, that's.

Yeah. Wow.

Thank you.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. So reach out, reach out in the next week. Let me know how all this is landing if you have any follow up questions. There's a couple other things in there that I think maybe need to be worked on, so just send me an email separately and we can talk about those and maybe have you back on at some point to address another piece.

I would love that and I really, really appreciate it.

Yeah, you got it, man. Thank you so much for joining me. Appreciate you just trusting me and diving in so deep with me, considering that it's your first time having this conversation with me. So I appreciate you. And yeah, I mean, for anybody that was tuning into this, don't forget to man it forward because there's likely many, many, many men who experienced something very, very similar to this that could use this insight. So thanks so much for joining me.

Sam.