Desire Versus Seeking

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not. Remember that what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for. EPICURUS welcome to the mantalk Show. I'm Connor Beaton and today we're going to talk about why it's so hard to find happiness and why it's so hard to maintain that joy. We're going to talk about a lot about desire and the root of desire. So what we desire are not the objects themselves. And I'm going to just digress here because I think in many ways we look outside of ourselves for the path, for the way, for some resemblance of a map to finding what brings us joy and what brings us happiness and contentment and peace. Look into building things, becoming someone. We use substances to try and create some type of spiritual experience and get lost in the ever present knowing that maybe we don't know what happiness really is or how to find it. So we look into objects. We look to objects like I'm buying a new car, a new phone, or finding a new partner. People fantasize all the time, you know, when things go wrong within the relationship about how easy it would be with somebody else. And maybe they catch themselves going down the thirst trap of Instagram and, you know, searching through and, you know, fantasizing about engaging in conversations with other partners. But it's not the objects themselves that necessarily bring us joy or the objects themselves that we actually desire, but rather the return to the experience which we already are. So desire itself is not inherently bad. Desire is actually a part of the understanding, a part of the return to a sense of happiness. So as I talk about this, I just want you to think about the things that you desire in your life right now. Maybe you're desiring a little bit more ease in your finances. Maybe you're desiring a little bit more clarity in what's going to happen post election. Maybe you're desiring a little bit more connection from friends and family. So we look to things. We look to things. A fancy new car, psychedelic experience, a sexy woman or man. When what we are actually desiring is not that thing, but what we have attached to that thing, which is happiness, which is peace, which is a sense of wholeness. And as Friedrich Nietzsche said, ultimately it is the desire, not the desired, that we love. But why might this be true? Why might it be desire itself that we love? I think it's true in a sense, because we crave the thing we think we desire that will bring us joy. Desire is the addiction that we Crave because it has sort of cornered us and conned us into believing that it can satiate our inner emptiness, our inner loneliness, or our unhappiness. And you see this in our culture. We have a culture that has really built up a whole entire framework designed to feed that part of us, to feed that desire, to feed this addiction to. To desire to desiring new things, to desiring new experiences constantly, to desiring bigger and better, to desiring more expansive, to desiring more enlightened experiences through ayahuasca or psychedelics, whatever the case may be. So we desire these things, these objects, these experiences that we hope and pray will give us a hit of the thing that we have forgotten is within us. We are seekers, my friends. We are seekers. We seek joy. We are seekers of peace, we are seekers of happiness. But we've been duped into believing that these things are not already inherently within us. So many of us have been enveloped in a sort of shroud or darkness of thoughts, a sort of conjuring of marketing that constantly tells us that we are lacking in something. So we need to buy, we need to smoke, we need to fuck, we need to drink it into existence. And that those things that we purchase, those things that we can potentially become, those things that we can potentially have in our lives, those people that we can be with, those things will bring a fullness into the void that we feel internally. How many times have you said this to yourself or heard a friend say this? If only I had a. A better partner, the perfect partner, then I'd be. Or if only I had that job, or if only I had that career, if only my financial situation was. Or when I buy the car or the new home or the phone, then I'll be right. Then I'll be happy. Then I'll be okay. Then I think it'll be all right. If only my partner wouldn't X, Y and Z, then I'd be fine.

Sure, we get a hit of the thing we are looking for in those moments when we buy the new car. We've worked really hard. And it's not to say that these things are bad. It's not to say that these things are inherently evil. Not to say that your hard work and your efforts don't sort of demand a reward. There isn't some sort of outcome that's going to happen on the other side of that hard work. Of course there is, but some last longer than others.

Inevitably, we come to the depressing and frustrating realization that we've outsourced our happiness to Something or someone outside of us, that we have given away what is inherently and innately ours and that we have attached that happiness to another person. And this is a part of relational death for people. When we get into a relationship with someone that we idolize, our twin flame, our soulmate, and we become so enamored with this person. I see this happen constantly in relationships. Or we get into a relationship with somebody that we think checks off all the boxes. It makes so much sense only to wake up a few years later and realize that we are miserable and that we have given away our own sense of trust, We've given away our own sense of happiness. We have outsourced.

The skill set that is required for us to connect with and generate that within. So desire, my friends, is not an arrow pointing in the direction of the thing we really need, but, but rather a map that we need to turn around so that we can explore within. This is where, in many ways, peace is. We look outside of ourselves, wishing to find the things that we want to feel within. But all this requires is awareness and it requires us looking within ourselves, which may be even more terrifying and scary of an endeavor because what is within us might not be what we want to see. For many of us, the thought of going within is the thing that we're trying to escape, right? To be with ourselves, to be alone with ourselves, to be alone with our thoughts, to be alone with our emotions, to be alone with our pain and our fear is sometimes the hardest thing. To be with ourselves and to be with the realization that what we actually feel is never enough, that what we actually feel is alone or worthless or hopeless, that we can't find joy within us to save our lives, that we can't find happiness within us because we have outsourced all of it to social media, likes to getting comments on our posts, or making sure that our product is selling a certain amount, or making sure that our body looks a certain way, or getting validation from our partner on a daily basis. So to go within for happiness is to see our own shame, our own shadow, our own pain. It is a journey we embark on that requires us to develop the skill of self compassion, the skill of self care, and the skill and strength in perseverance and discipline. Because for many of us, we haven't been taught these things. I certainly wasn't. I hadn't been taught self compassion as a child. I hadn't been taught self care. Nobody taught me how to persevere or be disciplined. None of these things were given to me growing up. I didn't learn those things. And it's not to say that I had bad parents. It's just to say that those things weren't things that were taught to me. They weren't inherent in my household. And maybe for you, that is a very similar experience. Maybe you were never taught self compassion. Maybe you were never taught proper confrontation or how to deal with conflict. Maybe you were never taught discipline or the form of discipline that you were given was detrimental and was harmful. But for many of us, we feel lacking in these skills. So we continue to meander and wander through relationships, new cars and fun tech toys, looking for the next mini dopamine dump that we can suckle at to tide us over and, and get us through another day of ignoring our inner exploration, our inner understanding, of cultivating a relationship with ourselves. And we can do this through a number of ways. We can do this through breath work, we can do this through yoga, through qigong. We can do this through. We can do this through all kinds of meditation practices. There are many different forms. Shadow work is another powerful tool and vehicle for inner exploration. Understanding our family systems is another tool for inner exploration. So whatever you have going on right now, whatever you're being confronted with, wherever you are, notice your desires. What are you desiring for right now? Maybe you're desiring for a little bit of more ease in the relationship or for your partner to not be so volatile or so angry or so reactive, or so shut down. Or maybe you're wishing for your partner to be more sexual or more sexually connected. Maybe you're wishing for a raise or for your company to come back around. Maybe you're desiring for those things. Allow yourself to sit in silence. Allow yourself to find stillness each and every single day, to be with the awareness of these desires. Notice and ask yourself what is desiring these things? What part of me is desiring these things? And often what we'll find is that it's some form of lack, it's some form of void that we haven't come to terms with because we have been focusing in so heavily on what's missing that we have forgotten to see what is already there. So become aware of some of the joy and some of the love that already resides within you. Practice the skill set of self compassion daily self compassion to combat the inner critic that might be tearing you a strip as you listen to this right now. To heal the shame, to deal with the immense amount of pain you may have been given throughout your life, through the heartbreaks, through the breakups, the divorces, the loss, the grief, the abuse, the trauma. Practice these things daily. Return to awareness, sit in silence and find stillness. So my challenge for you today is every day just find five minutes of silence and stillness and see if you can just become aware of a little ounce of joy, a little ounce of happiness, just a little pocket that might reside within you that's already there, that has always been there, that's always there behind everything that's happening, all the chaos that's happening in the media, in your job, in your career, at home, in your relationship. Just return to this little place of peace behind all the desires, all the wants, all the chaos, all the turmoil. Return to it and be with it and cultivate it and practice it. Thanks for tuning in. I hope that you share this episode with a person or two that could use this gentle reminder, this not so subtle reminder. And until next week, this is Conor Deaton signing off.