DIY Practicing Self Observation Wisdom From Anthony Demello

Welcome. I'm Connor Beaton and this is the mantalk Show, Training for Men and Answers for Women. Now, on this week's midweek mini episode, we are going to start a little bit of a new topic here. I am going to be taking concepts and sections out of some of my favorite books of all time and reading a small excerpt from that book and sharing some wisdom from the author, but also how I have integrated this concept into my own life and seen it shown up for clients. What I have noticed in the past is that I've had a lot of people reach out to give me feedback on the podcast saying that they really love these mini segments because they feel like do it yourself personal development, do it yourself self help, and do it yourself reflection. And I love that idea because I think that far too often in this modern age where content is a dime a dozen, there's a ton of content out there. It's, it's so easy to listen to content and not actually integrate the wisdom that we are listening to, integrate the lessons that are being taught to us. And so I want these mini episodes to be a little bit more tactical and tangible for you to start to integrate the concepts that some of these men and women have discussed over the years and give you a little bit of insight into how I have integrated some of these pieces into my own life and how I recommend that clients that are working with me integrate some of these pieces into their life as well. So the first book that I want to start with is one of my all time favorites and it is by a man named Anthony Demello. And Anthony Demello was a Jesuit priest who really was known around the world back in the 60s, 70s and 80s for a lot of his writings and for his quote unquote spiritual conferences. He passed away in 1987, so he's no longer with us. And he's written quite a few books. I'm not going to list all of them off, but the segment that I'm going to pull for you today is from a book called Awareness. And I have read this book.

Probably about a dozen times. It's not a very long book and the concepts in it seem relatively simple. Some of them are quite confronting. What I've noticed over the years is that I've given this book to a number of people. I've recommended it to clients and friends, and it's always interesting to see the reaction that some people have to certain ideas and concepts that are in this book. I think one of the major pieces that Anthony d' Mello talks about is the differentiation between relief and a cure. A lot of us in our lives are just looking for relief from any form of pain or suffering. You look at the medical system, a lot of it is not predicated on curing people. A lot of the medical system is built on the foundation of giving people relief from the pain that they are experiencing without actually solving or curing the root cause that people are experiencing. So a lot of people are unwell and they find themselves sick and they go into the doctor and, and the doctor gives them a medication, but they don't actually discuss how their diet needs to change in order to actually have them feel better in a long term manner. And we do this in a very real way with personal development. A lot of us approach these subjects and we hear a lot of content, we consume a lot of content, but we don't integrate this content. And so these mini segments, like I said, are going to be all about integrating some of these lessons and wisdoms and insights from some of the greatest teachers that have ever lived. And I'm going to start off today with what I think is probably the foundational piece of what we all need to learn how to cultivate in our lives, which is self observation. I'm going to read you a little segment from the book Awareness and It's on page 35 for those of you who have it. And let's just dive in and then we'll discuss and talk about how to integrate it into your life. So Anthony Demello starts off by saying self observation. The only way someone can be of help to you is in challenging your ideas. If you're ready to listen and if you're ready to be challenged, there's one thing that you can do, but no one can help you. What is the most important thing of all? It's called self observation. No one can help you there. No one can give you a method, no one can show you a technique. The moment you pick up a technique, you're programmed again. But self observation, watching yourself is indeed important. It is not the same as self absorption. Self absorption is self preoccupation where you're concerned about yourself, worried about yourself. I'm talking about self observation. What's that? What is self observation? It means to watch everything in you and around you as far as possible and watch it as if it were happening to someone else. What does that last sentence mean? It means that you do not personalize what is happening to you. It means that you look at things as if you have no connection with them whatsoever. The Reason you suffer from your depression and your anxieties is that you identify with them. You say, I'm depressed, but that is false. You. You are not depressed. If you want to be accurate, you might say, I am experiencing a depression right now. But you can hardly say I am depressed. You are not your depression. That is but a strange kind of trick of the mind, a strange kind of illusion. You have deluded yourself into thinking, though you are not aware of it, that you are your depression, that you are your anxiety, that you are your joy or the thrills that you have. I am delighted. You certainly are not delighted. Delight may be in you right now, but wait around. It will change. It won't last. It never lasts. It keeps changing. It's always changing. Clouds come and go. Some of them are black and some are white. Some of them are large, others small. If we want to follow the analogy, you would be the sky observing the clouds. You are a passive, detached observer. That's shocking, particularly to someone in the Western culture. You're not interfering. Don't interfere. Don't fix anything. Watch. Observe. The trouble with people is that they're always busy fixing things they don't even understand. We're always fixing things, aren't we? It never strikes us that things don't need to be fixed. They really don't. This is a great illusion. They need to be understood. If you understood them, they'd change.

So here. I mean, there's a lot in this page and a half that Anthony DeMillo lays out, but I think that there's a few very profound pieces that he talks about. Specifically, the reason that you suffer from your depression and your anxieties is that you identify with them. And look, this almost sounds, when I read it out loud, like a bit of spiritual arrogance, right? Because I've been in that place where I've had depression and I've had anxiety within me. And in those moments when that depression and that anxiety is there, I mean, it feels as if I am it, that there's nothing else inside of me outside of the anxiety or the depression or the anger or the shame or the fear or the sadness or the joy. Sometimes in the moments where we lose connection to awareness, we become the emotion that we are experiencing. We become the experience within us. And there is no separation between the. I. What many people, spiritual teachers, psychological teachers, psychoanalysts like Jung and Stephen Hayes, who I've had on the show before, would talk about the transcendent eye, this sort of. This awareness that is within you, that it's Just observing everything. The sky, I guess, is the way that Anthony de Mello talks about it. So what do we do? How do we actually put this into practice? Well, the one thing that I obviously recommend is meditation. And meditation can be an incredible gift and vehicle, but not meditation in the sense of I'm going to sit down every morning and I'm going to be in this schedule of sitting here, and I'm going to sit here and wonder why I'm sitting here and am I getting any benefit out of this? Am I even doing this right? No one's really told me how to do this meditation. Right. Those are usually the thoughts that happen in our head when we're sitting down to meditate. Right? But what I'm talking about is meditating in the moments where you probably least want to. Meditating in the moments where you feel like you have been engulfed in your shame or your sadness. So you've been engulfed in the depression or the anxiety, and to sit with it and to observe the chaos that that part might bring, or the joy of the experience of happiness or elation or a deep love that we want to cling to, we want to hold on to. Right? Because this is how a lot of our culture and society has trained us, that when we experience a quote unquote bad emotion, we should try and move away from it as quickly as possible. Our nervous system is kind of conditioned to do that, so we want to move away from it. And same too, with our good emotions. It's like, oh, joy is here. I feel happy. I feel so good. I never want this to end. And we try and cling onto it, and as soon as we do that again, like being the sky, watching the clouds, those clouds quickly dissipate and they shift dynamic, they shift their form, and they change into something else. So one of the things that I have found very useful is what I call the Fire Meditation. And this is a practice that I started several years ago when I started on my own development, my own path. And the Fire Meditation is very simple. When you find yourself in your most reactive spaces, sit and breathe and observe. Sit, breathe and observe. It's actually quite simple. Sit, watch your breath, and observe the emotion inside of you. What is that emotion? What is that experience? What is your depression trying to communicate to you? What is your anxiety trying to say to you? What is the shame or the fear or the insecurity or the doubt or the deep feeling of betrayal trying to communicate to you? What is your pains actually saying? What is your hurt actually saying? What's your joy actually saying what is your happiness? Actually saying what does it feel like in your body? Where do you experience it? And just observe that cloud, that emotion, that experience as it comes up becomes very strong, releases and moves past and cultivate the practice of self observation now without having to do anything. This is the really tricky thing because we live again, like Anthony demelle talks about, in a culture where so many people are trying to fix their shit. They're trying to fix every single part of them. They're trying to fix how they look, how they feel, you know, how much money they make, the job. I mean, everything is a problem that needs to be fixed. And oftentimes we get lost in learning how to fix, quote, unquote, fix the parts of our lives because we are so busy trying to figure out the problem and we become fixated on the fixing of the problem. And one of the things that I found to be very helpful was letting go of the need to fix myself, my challenges, what I'm experiencing, fixing my emotional state. And actually that was the most profound and powerful piece. You see. Oftentimes we get sort of obsessed or fixated on trying to fix external environments and external things around us so that we can feel better on the inside when what is actually required of us is to self observe what we are experiencing. So one of the things that I got in the habit of, and this is again one of the pieces that I would encourage you to do is to make a daily practice of checking in with yourself, of sitting still, closing your eyes, taking a few deep breaths, and simply observing what you're experiencing and asking yourself the question, what I'm experiencing right now is what I'm feeling right now is what I notice within myself right now is. And to start to just be present to what's there, not needing to change it, noticing the part of yourself that wants to change it and let it go, noticing the part of yourself that thinks, oh, I need to do something about that anxiety, or I need to do something about that depression, or I need to hold on to this joy so I can feel it all day long and have a good day. But just noticing all those pieces are there without the attachment of trying to cling onto it or reject it entirely. And this practice I would encourage you to do frequently throughout the day. Just check in, doesn't take long, takes 30 seconds, you know, take 30 or 45 or 60 seconds a day, you know, a few times a day and just check in, observe what you're experiencing, breathe into what your experience is and get to know, get to know. Become more intimate and familiar with your internal universe so that your external universe, your external life can be a little bit more easy, a little bit more simple because you won't be so reactive and you won't be so fixated on trying to fix the things that are happening outside of your life. It all starts within self observation, awareness, all forms of personal growth and personal development, all forms of therapy and psychology, all forms of healing modalities all start within. And we might search for the answers outside of us, but they will almost always point internally into how we are observing ourselves and how we are observing the world. So those are my two practices. One, Use the fire meditation. When you feel really intense emotions, whether it's the peak experiences of joy and happiness or the low experiences of depression or anxiety, sit and breathe and observe the those experiences without needing to become them so fully that you lose that connection to awareness and mindfulness. And then check in throughout the day, just in moments where you find yourself distracted or in moments where you just are sort of thinking or daydreaming or fantasizing about things. Just check in, close your eyes, breathe and ask yourself how I'm feeling right now is what I'm experiencing right now is. And just observe without needing to adjust or change. So thank you so much for tuning into this Do It Yourself segment. Please share on social media. Tag me in it mantalks. I would love to give you a little bit of a shout out and don't forget to man it forward. Share it with just one person that you think would enjoy this episode or this concept that would benefit from it and that would enjoy listening to it. And if you have a few extra minutes or a few extra seconds, please go on over to whatever platform you listen to us on and leave us. A rating and review goes a long, long way. So thank you so much for tuning in today. This is Connor Beaton signing off.