Connor Beaton argues men often mirror their partner's emotions instead of regulating their own. When she's upset, you become anxious; when she shuts down, you panic. He suggests practicing detachment: pause, breathe, and affirm that you can stay okay regardless of her mood.
Stop outsourcing your regulation, your state of being okay, to her mood. Their mood as a man goes along with whatever their woman is feeling. If she's upset, you're anxious or stressed. If she's shut down, you're there within seconds, or you're frantically trying to solve whatever it is that she's feeling. Your internal state becomes run, really, by her nervous system, by her emotions. What we can do is shift to separating our internal state. When she's not all right, take a breath and then say, I can be okay even when she's not. I can be okay when she's upset. I can be okay when she's sad. I'm still all right even though she's angry with me. You have to practice detachment. You have to practice detaching your internal state from hers.
How to Raise Strong, Unshakable Boys in Today's Culture, with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
